Free Falling

by Lisa Gerkey

“I disagree. As I recall, we got to know each other rather well that night.”

  She shakes her head from side to side. “I… I don’t remember.”

  A short chuckle escapes before I can stop it. “And, I can’t seem to forget.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I put your number on my phone. You called me two different times. We talked a lot, and then you asked me to help you. You were never there when I came for you. I bet you don’t even remember those phone calls, do you? You were high or wasted.”

  Her cheeks flush. Kennedy’s embarrassed that I’d call her out on the nasty habits. I know she’s fragile. Now may not be the best time, but she almost fucking died. Someone needs to confront her with the cold hard truth before it’s too late.

  “I thought I dreamed those conversations with you. I didn’t think they were real.”

  “Listen to the doctors. Listen to your sister and Grant. Let people help you. Your life doesn’t have to be like this.”

  “You know nothing about my life. It…it doesn’t matter. Look at me…”

  “I am looking at you. I’m listening, hearing every word. You can heal the damage you’ve done to yourself. You still have that opportunity. You’re lucky.”

  “You’re an asshole. I don’t know how anyone can look at me and call this luck. Fuck you. I saw your girlfriend. I’m nothing like her. I’ll never fit in with Jaycee and Grant and all their friends, or with you.”

  “Then don’t! Don’t try to fit in. Just be you. Without drugs. Without living with scumbags on the streets. Take the help everyone is offering you. Help the cops find the motherfucker who did this to you… If you need a friend, I’m here. Jaycee knows how to get in touch with me, night or day.”

  Kennedy closes her eyes and pulls away from me. The moment passes, leaving me unsure if she even heard my words. The door swings open, so I know I’ll have to go. For now.

  “Excuse me, sir. Ms. Powell can’t have visitors. Doctor’s orders. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave.”

  The nurse pulls me away from Kennedy’s bed.

  “I’ll talk to you later, Kennedy. Okay? I’ll be back.”

  I leave the room wondering why the hell I keep making promises to her. Why can’t I leave her alone? Why?

  When I get back to the waiting room, I kneel in front of the chair where Jaycee sits beside her husband.

  “Kennedy is awake. The nurse made me leave until the doctor looks at her, but I thought you’d want to know. I…I talked to her for a while…”

  “You talked to her? She talked to you, Josh? That’s great! She’s going to get through this. I know she is.”

  Jaycee screams her excitement loud enough she gets everyone’s attention.

  A fury-filled look passes over Staci’s face. I’m busted for sneaking a few minutes alone with Kennedy. I have an important decision to make.

  “I’m sure she’ll get through this. Staci and I are going to get out of here. Let me know how she is tomorrow. Okay?”

  “Sure. Thanks for being here, Josh.”

  Now that I’ve seen Kennedy, I should be done here. She has her family, and between them and the doctors, I know she’ll get the care she needs. I hope someone can get through to the lost girl and help her get her life straight. Get her away from all the danger. With Grant and his brother, Jon, working behind the scenes, it won’t be long until the bastard who hurt her is put away.

  I should go back to Tennessee with my fiancé.

  My heartstrings are tugging at me. Maybe I’ll wait one more day.

  I’ll come back tomorrow to check on Kennedy one last time. Be here if Jaycee needs an old friend’s shoulder to lean on. That won’t ever happen. She has Grant for whatever emotional support she needs. I’m just making excuses, finding any reason I can to stay another day.

  “I know you’re friends with Jaycee, but how do you know Kennedy? At first, I thought you were staying here for the family, and maybe because you found the poor girl, but there’s more to it, isn’t there?”

  I’m lying on the bed, still wearing my clothes, when Staci comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her, her long blonde hair piled on her head. My cock doesn’t even react when she comes into the room. A few months ago, I couldn’t get enough sex. Now, I couldn’t care less. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve rubbed one out a few times, but the need or desire to dominate or to ease my sexual frustration with Staci has vanished.

  Even with all the doubts, I can’t find the courage to talk to her about everything. I mean, the ring on her finger doesn’t lie. Whether I remember or not, I asked her to marry me. It’s not that easy to take it all back. I don’t want to hurt her, and my honesty will fucking break her heart.

  “I met Kennedy several months ago when Jeff and I went to a conference in Memphis. I didn’t know she was Jaycee’s sister. I guess…I connected with her somehow. I don’t know. She needs help. I feel like I can help her. It’s nothing for you to worry about, Staci. I know what you’re thinking, but it isn’t like that with her.”

  Why can’t I tell the truth?

  I should say to her how I’ve dreamed of Kennedy every night since the one I spent with her in Memphis. Tell her how Kennedy has rattled me to the core the way no one else ever has. I can’t tell her because it doesn’t make sense.

  Staci lets the towel fall to the floor and climbs onto the bed to straddle me.

  “I believe you. After seeing her today, I can’t imagine any man would want her. She’s probably crawling with disease. She’s lived on the streets, doing drugs, and selling her soul to the devil for the right price… disgusting, if you ask me.”

  “Kennedy’s made mistakes, sure, but she was forced to make a lot of them. She didn’t have a choice, or at least, she didn’t think she had a choice. She isn’t disgusting. She’s lost and hurt, in more ways than one, and she needs help.”

  I bet Kennedy doesn’t remember half the shit she told me. She was drunk, lying on my chest, and she used my ears for a much needed confessional. She trusted me with her secrets. I’ll keep them safe with me.

  Jaycee’s had a hard enough time without adding to it I know about the twisted shit her ex-husband did to her little sister. None of it is Kennedy’s fault, nor is it Jaycee’s fault because she didn’t know the man she married the first time. Thank God all that’s in her past now. Jaycee found her savior when she found Grant, and she’s moved on. Maybe it’s time Kennedy gets the chance to fix her messed up life and move forward.

  Fuck. Why do I feel like I’m the man who’s supposed to save her?

  Why can’t I say it out loud?

  I push Staci to get off me so I can get out of bed to find my shoes.

  “Where are you going, Josh? It’s past midnight. You can’t keep running away.”

  Running might not be the answer, but I can’t stay. I can’t pretend with Staci tonight. My feelings are too raw and too intense for a broken woman I barely know. I can’t spend the night lying to my fiancé. All this is tearing me apart.

  When I leave the hotel, I have no destination in mind. I want to see Kennedy, but the clock on the radio reminds me it’s too late. Visiting hours were over a while ago. I drive to a liquor store that has the open sign flashing in the window. They have a drive-thru window, so I don’t have to leave my truck. After I make my purchase, I drive to the church.

  Jack Daniels and Jesus by Chase Rice is the song playing on the radio. Perfect song to describe my fucked up life.

  Chapter Eight

  Kennedy

  I’m buckled into the backseat of my brother-in-law and sister’s truck. The doctor made his early morning rounds and decided I’d heal faster at home. Of course, I have to see a therapist twice a week. That’s better than some treatment shit where they expect me to stay in solitary for weeks, or maybe even months.

  I wish I could pretend that getting high hasn’t crossed my mind, but it’s all I think about. They tell me the cravings will be less troublesome after some time pass
es. They’re lying. It’s easy for people to give advice when they’ve never been in my shoes. Nothing fucking works to get rid of the nightmares and the thoughts in my head. Nothing, except the drugs.

  “Can you take me to the church where they found me?”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea. You need to give your injuries time to heal, Kennedy. You need to rest. We’re going to the hotel to let everyone know we’re leaving. After you talk to the police, we’ll take you back to Nashville. I’m going to take care of you this time, honey. I swear I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  She’s at it again. Jaycee’s always deciding what’s best for me. I don’t have the strength to fight with her. It wouldn’t do any good, anyway. She’ll let nothing happen? Yeah, right. It’s not her fault. I was seventeen when I made decisions that ruined my life. I was old enough I should’ve known better.

  Maybe it’s easier to blame her.

  I didn’t tell David no.

  I didn’t scream for help when he came into my room and crawled into the bed behind me. While his fingers were between my legs, preparing me for the intrusion that soon followed, I silently begged and pleaded for Jaycee to walk into the room. I wanted her to see everything. I could’ve screamed. If I’d made noises and fought and yelled for my sister, perhaps she would’ve come to save me. It might have saved us both from a lot of hell.

  Before I leave, I’m supposed to go to the police station to give a statement and tell them everything I remember about that night in the woods with Jayson… I’m not ready for that, but Jaycee and Grant insist I must get it over with. When will someone finally listen when I tell them what I want, what I need? Never.

  Mom was the only one. I knew the second she was gone, no one would ever fill her shoes.

  I could tell everyone about a lot of other days and nights I spent with Jayson. I could tell them the many crimes I saw him commit, but if he discovers I said anything, he’ll kill me. Maybe kill them too. Yeah, I know they all say they’ll protect me, but they can’t.

  I try to think of something, anything that will get my mind away from David, or Jayson.

  “Josh is getting married?”

  My sister probably thinks it’s strange for me to mention Josh out of the blue. He promised he’d come back to see me before I left the hospital. I’ll never know if he keeps that promise, or not, since I’m no longer there.

  “Uh… yeah, he is.”

  “Oh.”

  I pick at a loose string on the bottom of my shirt just for something to do with my hands. They know Josh. I want to ask questions, learn more about him, but there’s no point. He has a girlfriend. Even if he didn’t, there’s no way he’d ever want someone like me. There’s just something about him…

  “I want to see where they found me… I just need… Maybe I can get the images out of my head if I can see it in a different light. It was dark, and I was so scared…”

  “I’ll make you a deal, Kennedy, if you’ll tell us what happened that night, I’ll take you… Not today though. We’ll go when you’re stronger, and after you talk to us about everything.”

  Jaycee swats Grant’s arm to make him stop talking, but he doesn’t take the hint.

  “What? We already know someone tried to kill her. It will make it a hell of a lot easier to arrange protection if we know who we’re protecting her from…”

  Just outside of the city, Grant stops at a convenience store and parks beside the gas pumps. “Do you need anything, Kennedy?” Grant asks.

  “No. I’m fine.”

  “I need to use the restroom. I’ll go with you.” Jaycee gets out of the truck and follows her husband inside the store.

  I look around at everything while I wait.

  There are a few other vehicles, but I notice a specific car parked on the other side of the parking lot. A few guys gathered around.

  I know what they’re doing just from watching their gestures.

  I tap my foot on the floorboard as I glance back to the store. It shouldn’t take Grant and Jaycee long inside the store.

  I scan around the parking lot a few times, but my eyes fall back to the group of men. My hands shake slightly. Jaycee’s purse is sitting on the console.

  If I had a little something, it would calm my nerves. Maybe then I can talk to Grant and Jaycee and tell them everything about that awful night. Not just the night Jayson tried to kill me, but fill them in on all the ugly details of my life for the past few years.

  I’m making excuses. Telling myself anything to make what I’m about to do seem okay, necessary even. I know it’s wrong. Just one more time, and then I’ll stop. I swear.

  I go through Jaycee’s purse and find her wallet. Without thinking twice, I pull out a lump of folded-up cash and get out of the truck.

  I push loose hair behind my ears and look around before I hurry across the parking lot. The pain in my body screams when I move. I’ve been beaten within an inch of my life before, and those times, I didn’t even see a doctor. This isn’t my first experience with recovery. I got through it then, so I’ll get through it now. I just need something to make the pain go away. For a little while. I need to rest. Forget. When I’m strong enough, I’ll work on making myself better. Perhaps tomorrow, I’ll be ready to take everyone’s advice. I’ll meet with the therapist. Tell them everything I’ve done. Everything I’ve seen done to others. Explain how the drugs have been my only friend through it all.

  I hope Grant and Jaycee don’t come out of the store too soon. I give little thought to how I’ll explain the missing money.

  “Hey there, babe. You need help with something?” A young guy, not over nineteen or twenty, looks me up and down.

  “Yeah, I…I saw you guys over here… I thought you might have something…” I flash the cash in my hand, hoping he understands what it is I’m looking for. I glance toward the store. Still no sign of them. “I need to hurry. My sister…she’s inside, and she’ll be upset…”

  “Nah. We got you covered, babe. Why don’t you come with us? That sister of yours doesn’t sound like she’s much fun. My buddies and me, we can take you where all the action is. We can get you anything you want.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat. I know I’m making a huge mistake.

  Jaycee will never forgive me, but…I need…something. Anything to stop the voices in my head.

  “Okay. We need to hurry…”

  I can climb into the car when one of the guys opens the rear passenger door.

  ***

  “Miss? Miss? Are you alright?”

  I open my eyes to find an older gentleman hovered over me, concern written all over his face as he looks down at me.

  I don’t know where I am or how I got here.

  I swat at the bugs crawling on my skin. I can’t tell if they’re real or imaginary.

  “Where…where am I? I…I don’t remember…”

  “You’re behind my bar. Come on, get up now. Is there someone I can call to come get you?”

  I shake my head. “No. No, I…I have no one…”

  My body aches. I think it was only a day ago when I got out of the hospital. Maybe it was two days ago. I didn’t even make it home — wherever that is — before I screwed up. I’m always messing up.

  I hate my life. I hate that the drugs have this much control over me, but I don’t know how to stop.

  I need…something. Help. I need help, but I don’t know how to let anyone in.

  “Come on. Let’s go inside and find you something to eat. You can use the restroom in the back to clean up a little. We don’t have much time before the place opens and people start coming in. I’ll call a cab and loan you enough money to get somewhere… you can pay me back when you get your life straight.”

  Everything’s quiet inside the bar. Chairs are still stacked on the tables. He puts them on the floor while I eat the sandwich he sets in front of me. I can’t taste it, but to show my gratitude, I choke it down in small bites.

  ***

 
; “Where to Ma’am?” The cab driver asks in a thick accent.

  “I…I don’t know…a church. There’s a small church outside the city… I don’t remember the name. There’s a dirt road, and woods behind it…”

  “South Hill? That must be the one…”

  “Yeah, yeah take me there. That’s where I want to go.”

  Chapter Nine

  Josh

  I wake up in my truck, still clutching a half-empty bottle of whiskey. Fuck. I guess it worked for a few hours, but now that I’m awake, a sick feeling rests in the pit of my stomach. It’s not from the alcohol. I’m a dick for running out on Staci. I was on the verge of telling her I don’t want to get married, but rather than break her heart, I ran.

  The sun is up. I shield my eyes with my hand so I can look around. Something about this spot makes me feel like it’s where I belong. Less than a mile back on the property is where I found Kennedy. Even though the moment is stuck in my head forever, it doesn’t taint the land. If anything, I’m glad this is where she ended up because how else would I have found her?

  I find myself sliding out of my truck and heading around to the back door of the church. With my hands in my pockets, I stop and look around a minute before I go inside.

  There isn’t much modern about the small church. Even smells old when you walk inside. It’s a bit like stepping back in time. I saw it all as a child, but through the eyes of a grown man, I see differently, small details I missed back then. I walk further into the small office that’s to the right of the door I came in. I ease closer so I can get a better look at a picture hanging on the wall. There are several pictures. Some are of Matthew and his father, Nathaniel. Their families…

  One of the photographs stands out. My mind forms a lot of questions. I take the dusty frame off the wall and stare for a few seconds, minutes.

  “Joshua, son, I was hoping your father might have talked to you…”

  I spin around when I hear the old man’s voice.

  “He didn’t… I wish someone would explain…”

  “Paula…your mother…”

  “She’s your daughter. Isn’t she, Matthew? You’re my grandfather. Why? How? I…I don’t understand.”