by Lisa Gerkey
“I know, my boy. There’s a lot you wouldn’t understand. Now that you’re a grown man, you should know.”
“I was always told her parents died before Jeff and I were even born.”
“We tried everything we could to help your mother. She never wanted our help, only the family fortune. Paula wanted the life she chose, Joshua, and there was nothing we could do about it. Clayton loved Paula… Listen, I could stand here and tell you everything, but I think it’s time Clayton explains everything to you and Jeff. He needs to tell you the whole truth about your mother. She’s my daughter. God knows. He knows I love my child. I will to the day I die, but she’s a dangerous woman. No matter how much I love her, that’s the reality. All I can do is pray. As long as there’s life in her, there’s time for her to change and ask for forgiveness. You know, I’m not young. I probably won’t live to see it, but I sure am glad I got to see you again. You’re a good man. I’m proud of you. Your great-grandfather, he adored you and Jeff.”
I look down at the photograph one last time before I set it on the old desk. Paula Maddox…Reynolds…whoever the hell she is, was a beautiful young woman. She and Dad look happy. Dad holds Jeff in his arms while I sit on her lap. We’re probably about three and one in the picture. I wonder if Jeff can remember any of this. I feel a little jealous because there’s a chance he might, when I remember nothing that even resembles the happy, smiling family in the picture.
I run my hands over my tired face. I’m fucking worn out after drinking and sleeping in my truck, and hungry. My stomach growls loudly.
“Come over to the house. We’ll make breakfast. You can tell me what brought you here. I saw you drive up in the middle of the night. You have a lot on your mind. Talking might help you figure things out.”
Pastor Reynolds…Matthew…my grandfather, I guess. It’s going to take a minute to get used to the facts I just heard, and to process everything. He stumbles a little when he takes a few steps just outside the small office.
“Yeah, I’ll walk with you. I shouldn’t stay, but I’d like to make sure you get inside the house. Have you thought about hiring someone to help you? You’re alone, and you live so far out here. If something happened…”
“If something happens, it’s meant to happen, son. I could’ve given up years ago, but I didn’t want to let my father down. This place meant the world to him. He drifted away from his family when he was young. His brothers and sisters pursued different dreams. Made the kinds of choices that earned them a lot of money. Nathaniel Reynolds didn’t care about all that. Fame and fortune meant nothing to him. He found a different calling. Of course, he inherited his share from his parents. It meant nothing to him. All he wanted to do was help people. I guess I get that from him. As long as my old body will let me, I want to spread God’s word, and try to help people. Just like my father did.”
My head’s about to explode from all the whiskey I drank. My mind is seriously fucked. I already have enough to deal with.
I should get back to the hotel.
I’ve never acted this irresponsible before; only after I ran across a broken angel one night. Kennedy. Her halo is no longer visible, but I know underneath the wreckage, it’s there somewhere. Someone needs to help her find it, dust it off, and repair the cracks so she can shine again. Why is it, all I can think about is making her my angel? Imperfect as she is, I want to make her light shine again…for me.
We remain silent as we walk the forty or fifty yards from the church to Matthew’s house. Side by side, we make a small breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. He pours us both a cup of hot coffee. I’m not much of a coffee drinker, but I don’t tell him. We eat and talk. Mostly, I listen while he speaks about the old days. He avoids talking about my mother or any part of the conversation we had back at the church. I don’t pressure him to learn more. I’ll talk to Clayton. I need to wrap things up here and end the visit with Matthew.
Every minute I spend here is putting more pressure on the situation I’ve already created with Staci when I ran out on her. My phone battery is dead, so I can’t text her, or call. I don’t even have my charger with me.
“Tell me about your woman troubles.”
I hesitate. I really should leave.
Talking isn’t going to change anything. Keeping it all locked inside won’t fix it either.
I opt to talk.
Matthew’s lived a lot of years. He has a lot of wisdom, and maybe some words of advice to give. He interrupts a few times to read passages from the bible that relates to my current situation and the train of thoughts I have. I listen and believe it or not, I learn. I learn a lot from my grandfather.
Before I know it, we’ve wasted the day away. I still haven’t communicated with anyone. Matthew has a landline, but I don’t ask to use it. Maybe because I know what I have to say can’t happen with a phone call.
“It’s late. Spend the night. You don’t know how much it means to me to spend time with my grandson. This is a rare gift I never expected. Sleep. Get up tomorrow and start with a fresh mind and a clean slate. Go talk to Staci. Talk to Kennedy. Most importantly, listen. Listen to your heart. It won’t lie to you, Josh. Your heart will tell you which path to take.”
I don’t tell him I already know.
Things became clear for me sometimes during our conversations today. Maybe the one when we were eating our supper at the kitchen table. Could’ve been when he was showing me the photographs of him and my grandmother when they were young. Seventeen and eighteen when they started dating. I looked at those pictures, and I didn’t need to ask if they were in love. I saw it clear as day written all over their faces; all over my grandfather’s face when he talked about his late wife.
Sleeping on Matthew’s couch, I rest better than I have in months. After a bowl of cereal and a few words, it’s time to leave. No more excuses. No more tucking my tail between my legs. It’s time to man up and do what I’ve been too afraid to do. Sometimes the truth hurts, but the damage from trying to live a lie is unrepairable. I don’t want to hurt Staci, but I can’t stay bound to someone I don’t love, and to say I love her would be a lie.
I climb into my truck, and just as I’m about to turn the key over, a yellow cab pulls into the church parking lot blocking my path to leave. I tap my fingers on the steering wheel as I look at the clock on the dash to see the time. I need to get to the hotel.
I’m good to go until I see the familiar mess of a woman when she gets out of the backseat of the taxi.
Fuck my life.
I get out of my truck and go to her. She startles and turns when I step beside her.
It’s her who has the first words.
“Why do you keep showing up? Are you some kind of guardian angel sent here to save me, or something?”
I take her in from head to toe. If there was ever anyone who needed saving, I’m looking at her. Her hair is stringy and dirty. I see a smudge of dirt down the side of her face. She’s too thin. A short time ago she was close to this very spot, barely breathing. She looks even worse standing here today.
“Do you need somebody to save you, doll?” I push the hair back from her face and tuck it behind her ear. She shivers, but it’s nothing to do with my touch. “You coming off of something? You’re shaking.”
“Are you going to judge me if the answer’s yes?”
“No. I’ll offer you help if there’s anything I can do.”
“There is something you can do for me.”
“What do you want me to do, sweetheart?”
Sweetheart? Seriously, what has gotten into me?
“Walk in the woods with me? Show me where you found me. I can’t…I can’t get it out of my head.”
My stomach gets queasy when I think back to the moment I found her, naked and nearly lifeless on the ground. I understand though. Sometimes to beat the demons, you must face them. She’s not in any shape to face anything except maybe a shower and some hot food.
“You need to give yourself time to heal. Tak
e care of yourself for a while. When you’re stronger, I’ll take you out there. Right now, I need to get back to the hotel and talk to Staci.”
“You don’t love her, do you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt her. If I could remember asking her to marry me, it might help. I was in a bad place for a while.”
“I know all about bad places.”
“No! Nothing like…shit, I didn’t mean…”
“I get it! Your bad place is nothing compared to mine. Believe me, I get it, Josh. I’m…I’m as bad as it gets. Terrible. Did you know I stole Jaycee’s money from her wallet right after I got out of the hospital? My sister was trying to do something good for me, and what did I do? I did the same thing I always do. I hate this feeling!”
Kennedy scratches and claws at her arms. Her shaking is getting worse.
“Tell me what I can do to make things better, Kennedy.”
“You can make things better for yourself if you forget you ever saw me.”
“Not me, doll. You. How can I make it better for you? Besides finding you more drugs… that’s a hard no for me.”
She shrinks away and tries to hide her face behind her disheveled hair. She’s fragile right now. Barely able to hold herself up.
Chapter Ten
Kennedy
I see the way he looks at me. I want to hide. I’m ashamed of how I’ve let myself go. I wrap my arms around myself and hold on tight to hide the shaking.
“Come on, go with me. I’ll take you to the hotel and get you a room.”
Josh reaches for me. At first, I refuse to loosen the grip I have on myself. I hesitate, but I give in and let him take my hand in his. A weird feeling passes through me when we connect. He laces our fingers together and leads me to his truck.
When we get to the hotel, Josh arranges for the room. I expect he’ll drop me off and head straight to his fiancé. It surprises me when he uses the keycard to open the door and follows me inside. We barely spoke a word driving here.
“Shouldn’t you get back to her…Staci?”
“I’m already in the doghouse. A few minutes more won’t matter. I want to make sure you have everything you need before I leave. In the meantime why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to?”
I sit down on the bed but jump back up when I realize I’m too dirty. I go to a chair in the corner instead. I don’t want to admit anything I’ve done, especially to Josh. He’ll judge me the way everyone else does.
“You don’t want to hear all I’ve done. Trust me and leave it alone.”
Josh says nothing. He disappears into another room. The bathroom. I hear water running. After a few minutes, he returns.
“Take a bath. You’ll feel better. I’ll find you something to eat.”
A bath won’t make me feel better. Nothing will. Well, I can think of a something, but Josh won’t like it if I tell him what I really need.
I stand up. Josh is partially blocking my path to the bathroom. My body brushes his when I move past him. A part of me wants to move closer to his warmth. I remember what it feels like. I dream about it often.
“I…I’m sorry.”
Everything is weird for us now. Neither of us knows what to say, or what to do. What surprises me most is when he follows me into the bathroom.
The tub looks inviting. It’s filled with steaming water and bubbles. When was the last time I had a bubble bath? Probably when I was sixteen. Before my parents died.
Why is Josh so sweet and kind?
“I’ll find you some clothes. In the meantime, there’s a robe hanging on the door. When you’re finished, you can put it on and join me.”
I don’t want him to leave me. I almost beg him to stay in the room with me. I look up at him through my eyelashes, but then I turn my head slightly and see my reflection in the mirror, I flinch.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why do you keep apologizing? I brought you here because I want to do something nice for you. I want to help you.”
“Why? Look at me. I can’t even stand to look at myself. Why do you care?”
This time it’s Josh who reacts with a visible jerk. My question shocks him.
“I don’t know why I care, but I do. I won’t lie, you look like shit right now, but it’s because of the way you’ve been treating yourself. All of this is on the outside, Kennedy. It can all be fixed if you take care of yourself. And, maybe visit a hair salon…”
He smirks as he gathers a few strings of my multi-colored hair and lets them fall through his fingertips. I’d be angry, but joking is his way to make the moment seem lighter, less than it really is.
The tub is nearly running over. Bubbles are falling over the side. Cleaning service will be pissed when they see the mess.
“Stay. I…I don’t want to be alone.”
“Kennedy, We can’t go there. I’m engaged. I…I don’t know if I can see you in that tub full of bubbles without having dirty thoughts. I can’t. I’m no cheater. I’m struggling with feelings I have, or feelings I don’t have for Staci, but I can’t look at another woman until… Fuck, I don’t know. Maybe never. I’m engaged…”
I nod my head. I can’t look at Josh. I hear him though. I vaguely remember his fiancé at the hospital. I’ll never be like her.
“You’re right. I’m sorry…”
“Stop apologizing. If you tell me you’re sorry one more time, I’m going to spank your ass.”
Our eyes meet. His words surprise us both, I think.
“Can you leave the door open? I’ll feel better if I’m not all closed up in here.”
“Yeah. I can do that. What do you like on your pizza?”
“I’ve eaten from garbage cans, Josh, I don’t think it matters what’s on the pizza.”
When he goes back to the other room, I busy myself getting out of my filthy clothes. They’re disgusting. I stuff them in the garbage can. He said he’d find me more clothes. If he changes his mind, I suppose I can get them back out.
The hot water feels like heaven. Oh, how I wish the bubbles could take me away and let me live in this moment forever. For the ten minutes or so I spent talking to Josh, the immediate need for drugs slipped my mind. Maybe I do need his help. I feel different with him. Calmer. Content. I crave something different from pills or heroin. I ache for something unknown.
After I’m clean and the water cools, I step out of the tub. When I take the robe from the door, I can see Josh sitting on the bed. He doesn’t look up from whatever he’s doing with his phone. I slip my arms through the thick fluffy sleeves and tie it around my middle.
Someone knocks on the door. Josh seems to expect whoever it is. Probably my sister coming to rescue me.
I’m surprised when I see a middle-aged man and woman. The man has a pizza box and a cardboard holder filled with soft drinks. The woman is holding bags from a department store.
“Dad, Maggie, thank you for coming.”
I’m ashamed for anyone to see me. I huddle in the chair that’s in the corner to avoid their stares. I can’t stand when people look at me.
I mean, look at me. I can’t even stand to see my own reflection in a mirror.
“Kennedy, I’d like you to meet my dad. This is Clayton Maddox and his wife, Maggie. Dad, Maggie, this is Kennedy, the girl I told you about meeting in Memphis.”
He’s talked about me?
He’s told his family about meeting me, but why?
I’m nobody.
I attempt a friendly smile… Until I see the way they all look at me.
Pity on all their faces. They feel sorry for me.
Isn’t that better than people wanting to use me and hurt me, or kill me?
“Hi. I…I’m sorry. I’m a mess…”
From across the room, Josh’s eyes find mine, and he smirks. He opens his right hand and closes it. I remember his promise from earlier. My cheeks fill with color. He sees that too, and his smirk grows even more extensive.
His dad breaks the connection betwee
n us.
“Nah, sugar, ain’t a damn thing to be sorry for. Some of us have been right where you’re sitting. A little help is all we need sometimes. Josh is a good man. I’m sure he’ll take good care of you.”
Josh’s dad speaks from experience. I can tell.
“Dad! Okay, enough of that. I just wanted you to bring clothes for Kennedy. I can handle everything from here.”
“Fine, son, we’ll leave you kids alone.” With his hand on the knob, he turns back. “The cabin is ready to go if you need a place to stay for a few days.”
Josh follows them into the hallway and talks for a few minutes before he closes the door. I breathe more comfortable with just the two of us in the room.
There’s something about Josh. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’m comfortable with him.
“Why don’t you eat? I’m going to my room upstairs and take a shower. I need to talk to Staci.”
I stand up, and Josh pulls me into his arms. It feels good. Too damn good, but I would feel even better if I didn’t have these fucking cravings. He wants me to eat, but all I can think about is finding something...
When the drugs wear off, I care too much about shit.
I can’t afford to care about anything, especially Josh.
The last thing I want is to put him on Jayson’s radar.
“You’ve done enough for me. I hope this doesn’t cause problems with your girlfriend. I’ll be fine. You need to get back to your life. Don’t worry about me.”
I step around him quickly, so he doesn’t see what I do next. I grab the bags of clothes and go to the bathroom to wait for him to leave.
I fumble with the wallet I slipped from his pocket. I’m relieved when I see the cash. There’s enough money to get what I need. Josh probably won’t even know I took it. He’ll think he lost it somewhere.
It’s a cycle I can’t break. I have moments when I want to, but I can’t find the will or the strength.
I put on new underwear, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt. I twist my hair into a messy bun and put the new sneakers on my feet.
Josh will tell my sister he left me in the room. She’ll show up any minute to take me back to Tennessee. They all think it’s so easy to leave everything behind.