Day 1
I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I wake up, I have Kate’s hand folded in mine. Mr. Browdy is gone, and Marcy is in the corner reading what looks like a medical textbook. Three more are stacked beside her on the floor. The machines buzzing in my ears remind me of reality: Kate’s in a coma fighting for her life.
Marcy seems pretty engrossed in the book, and last night she assured me that Kate could still hear us in her medicated state. I doubt it.
“Hey there,” I say to her anyway, and honestly I feel like a shithead. My late night hour with Ellie reels through my mind, and I automatically wipe a palm across my mouth. “I’m sorry, Kate.”
I’m not sure exactly what I’m apologizing for. Fucking Ellie? Fucking Ellie while I should have been with her? Or that Kate is even here in the first place?
I want to tell her I won’t leave her, but I can’t promise that. She deserves better than me. And I deserve…
I think of Liam’s disgusted glare when he walked out of our house the last time—how I was supposed to be the one who went with Mom that evening.
…to be where Kate is. It should be me.
“I take it you’re not helping out today?” Tammy asks, walking in with a chart and pulling me out of the memory.
“I will in here.”
The nurse smiles at me, approving what I said.
Marcy peeks up from her book but doesn’t say anything. Standard hospital procedures are probably old hat for her.
Tammy studies the print out from one of the machines and checks Kate’s IV. “Behind you, Damian: can you read me her blood pressure numbers?”
I twist around and peer at the monitor. “Uh, one ten over seventy-five.” Whatever that means.
Tammy makes a face and jots the numbers down, sighing. “All right, I’ll be back in an hour,” she says to Marcy. “Dr. Lowell should be making rounds soon.”
“Thank you, Tammy.” Marcy lays her book on her lap and rubs her temples. “I’m going to the cafeteria for some lunch. You should grab something to eat too,” she tells me.
I nod. “When you get back. That way Kate’s not alone.” The words roll off my tongue, and it takes me a second to realize that I’d actually said them.
I think I see a tear glistening in Kate’s mother’s eye when she grins at me. “Okay. I won’t be long.”
As soon as she leaves, I stand up and kiss Kate on the forehead. Her skin feels amazingly soft against my lips, and I take my time withdrawing them. “You can fight this, Katie.”
I sink back into the chair and take her hand, gliding my thumb over the pale skin. Kate’s a proven warrior, and I believe in her. She’s stronger than anyone I know.
And that’s the hitch.
I throw a glance at the door and immediately consider making an escape. Unlike Kate, I’m not strong. Holding onto her, letting her inside, is fucked up. More fucked up than cutting my losses and getting the hell out.
But she already has me. Somehow, Kate lured me in.
Suddenly it hits me that losing her on my terms is less scary than the alternative. But even that doesn’t scare the shit out of me as much as realizing that I care about her. It’s fucking suicide.
What is it about this girl that has me sitting here, hoping to God she’ll wake up and smile at me again?
I slide two fingers down her cheek and over her lips. She doesn’t flinch, and it’s as if she can’t feel me. Something jabs into the pit of my stomach. I’d give anything to hear her voice right now. The sweet naïveté she wears is gorgeous on her, and for whatever the reason, makes me want to protect her from the world’s monsters. Monsters like me.
Except, I can’t do a damn thing about the monster that’s killing her.
I can’t save her.
~*~
“Okay, I’m back. You go,” Marcy says when she comes in.
“Yeah,” I agree. “I’m gonna run home, I think.”
“Has your dad been in yet?”
“No.” Thank God. “I’m sure he will be soon.”
On my way out, I run into Leslie. I know I’m on her shit list, but I couldn’t care less. I’m not volunteering at this godforsaken hospital by choice, and I’ve made that perfectly clear to my father and his precious staff.
This nurse, though, hates me more than the others; she remembers my brother.
“How’s Kate?” she asks.
The question strikes me as odd. What am I supposed to say? The truth? Well, the fucking truth is that she’s so goddamn sick that my dad knocked her out, and she may never wake up. But hey, Leslie knows that.
“Go see for yourself,” I scoff and brush past her.
I drive home, and my first stop is the liquor cabinet. Dad keeps it fully stocked even though he’s never home and he rarely drinks. I guess he thinks that if he keeps me happy, I’ll stay the hell out of his way.
It works.
Not bothering with a glass, I snatch a bottle of Jack and take a long swig. Damn, that’s good stuff. I hold the cap in my hand and stare at it. I should twist it back on, gather my stuff, and go back to the hospital, but I don’t. Instead, I take another drink and haul it with me to my room.
I’m not sure why I pack a bag of clothes. I just do. I grab my guitar too.
After dropping my shit by the bedroom door, I strip down and stand under the shower. Ellie is still on me, and for the first time in my life, I can’t stand it. If I really care about Kate, then what the hell am I doing with Ellie? She’s my brother’s girlfriend, not mine. Not mine!
I press my forehead against the tile. When did life get so fucking complicated?
As the hot water begins to cool, I shut it off and swipe the Jack off the counter. I don’t bother with a towel. I sit on the edge of my bed and hold the bottle between my legs. Tapping the neck with one hand, I wipe the other over my face. Then, I gulp down another swash of amber as Liam re-enters my mind.
Suddenly, I’m fifteen again and Liam is with me at the kitchen table, helping me with my chemistry assignment.
“Close, Damian. It’s actually tetrahedral; hydrogen can’t have a double bond,” he says, flipping to the back of the textbook to show me.
“I’m never going to understand this,” I say, frustrated.
“You’re a sophomore taking senior chem. You can handle this.”
I shake my head. “I’m not like you. Or Dad.”
Liam grins, but he knows I’m right. I’ll never be like either of them. “You don’t have to be us. Be yourself.”
“Nobody likes me for me. They like me for you.”
Liam sighs because he understands. He’s overheard the teachers at school. And Dad. He hears Dad all the time. “I never meant to put pressure on you. You know that, right?” Liam says.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll always be compared to you.”
“Let me talk to Dad. Maybe you can switch schools in the fall, somewhere no one knows me, and you can focus on your music.”
“He’ll never agree to that, but thanks.”
He grips my shoulder and squeezes. “You never know, Damian.”
“I know Dad, and I know how the world works. Being like the two of you guarantees I’ll be successful someday.”
Liam is silent for a moment, his gaze wandering to the sliding glass doors. “Don’t be so sure. The world is bigger than you, little brother. Bigger than all of us.”
I take another drink to wash away the memory and put the cap back on. I have a buzz going now, though it’s not enough to numb my mind. What I really want is to drown myself in the rest of this bottle and another one. Instead, I shake the loose water off my hair and get dressed. Before I leave, I rinse my mouth out with Listerine, getting rid of the whiskey and what’s left of Ellie so I can pretend I’m the man Kate deserves.
The man Liam was.
~*~
I drop off my bag and guitar in Dad’s office before slipping into Kate’s room. Marcy’s dozing in the corner where I left her, the giant book almost fa
lling off her lap.
I return to the chair beside Kate’s bed. Taking her hand, I clasp the tiny thing between both of mine. Before I say anything, I steal a glance over my shoulder at Marcy to make sure she’s still asleep. She is.
“I’m back, baby,” I say, pressing it against my lips. “I’ve been thinking, Katie, and I, uh, I have a compromise for you. A deal, if you’ll accept it. You fight this thing and wake up, and I’ll do my damnedest to be better. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I’ll sure as fuck try. Just come back to me.”
For some reason, fate put her in my life, and since I can’t walk away, I’m going to do whatever it takes to figure out why. All I know is if she beats this virus, I’ll have my work cut out for me to uphold my end of the bargain.
I study Kate’s face. Lifeless and thin, it tears at me. This isn’t her.
I think back to when I first met her. She’s perceptive, honest, sweet, hopeful, and brave—all the things I’m not. Leukemia is the catalyst that shows the world how wonderful she really is.
I kiss her again. “Come back to me.”
~*~
With visiting hours over for the night, I wander into Dad’s office. He’s not there, and I figure he went home. I check my phone, half-expecting Ellie to have called, but the screen is empty. I’m not sure what to do about her right now.
I fall onto the leather sofa and strum some random chords on my guitar to clear my mind. Whatever I played resonates with me, and I do it again.
I hum out a melody with it this time. Words form on the tip of my tongue, and they flow out of me as I play.
Here I am, hiding,
Writing out my story; tell me it’s boring or is it
All the same
Lines with lyrics
Unexpected, will there be a happy ending?
No, I’m not there yet.
I stop playing for a moment. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start. I jot down the lyrics and keep going until I have something decent. The song has definite potential. Oftentimes, my music tells me more about myself than I ever could.
If only it would speak faster because I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing.
~*~
I sit beside Kate, holding her hand again. The beeping from the machines in the room has dulled with time, and now I barely hear them.
The Browdys are here too, but no one says anything. We just stare droopy-eyed at Kate, waiting for some sign of life.
Dad walks in, his gaze trained on the floor. I tighten my grip on Kate, too scared to hear what I assume he’s going to say. He has that expression on his face. The one that’s not good.
I can’t let go of her.
He clears his throat before he speaks. “I received the results of Kate’s tests.”
Mr. Browdy puts an arm around his wife and pulls her close. Fear exudes from Marcy as she shakes her head with a hand over her mouth. We all know what’s coming.
A familiar knot twists in my chest. Is this really happening?
“The virus was stronger than we expected. I’m sorry, there’s nothing more we can do.”
I need someone to blame because losing Kate is unfair. She’s too young to die, and I can’t go through this again. I fight the urge to jump up and beat the shit out of my father. It’s his fault. He should have done more. He should have—
I choke back a sob and bury my face into Kate’s stomach. “Wake up, Katie. Please, wake up.”
Day 2
I jolt awake, sweat dripping into my eyes. I wipe my face with my palms and push them through my hair, shaking the moisture free. Even though daylight creeps into Dad’s office, the clock says it’s too early for him to be here and too early for visiting hours to have begun.
That won’t stop me, though. Screw the nurses and their ridiculous rules. I need to see her now. Need to see that she’s breathing.
I pull on a clean t-shirt from my bag and head down the hallway to her room. No one’s at the nurses’ station to stop me. I might have been able to sweet-talk Tammy, but I doubt it would have worked with the others. They know me too well.
Marcy is probably sound asleep at this hour, so I enter as quietly as I can, careful not to disturb her. I’m right; she lies in the other hospital bed, unmoving.
The machines around Kate’s bed hum, and as much as I hate the sound, it’s strangely comforting. Even though the monitor signals out a heartbeat, I lean over her, my ear pressing against her chest. I have to hear it for myself, from the source. It thumps softly as her lungs fill with air then deflate. Slow and steady.
I breathe out my relief.
My dream last night; it was only a stupid dream, but damn it felt real. Kate shouldn’t have to go through this by herself. As I sit with her now, listening to the beeps and whirls of hospital equipment, I know I won’t be crashing in Dad’s office another night. Not until she’s safe.
Yeah, her mom will stay all night too so she won’t be alone, but my decision isn’t for Kate. If she slips away and I’m not here, I’ll never forgive myself.
I wish I knew how this girl got to me, and what makes me come back for more. Even unconscious she draws me to her. She radiates strength and goodness that calls out to me, taunting me with its power. Telling me it could be mine if I can grasp onto it.
I won’t. I can’t. I’d just fuck it up.
I run my fingers over her face, letting her warmth sink deep into me. It feels so damn good to be this close to her. “I’m here, baby. I’m not leaving again.”
Even as I say it, I wonder if I mean it. Every second I’m with her is another reminder that she’s too good for me and I’m a weak son of a bitch who crossed paths with her.
When my fingers trace her lips, I peek over at Marcy. She’s still asleep and I smile. I need to feel Kate’s lips against mine before everyone’s awake. Maybe she’ll wake up.
I kiss her lightly because I don’t want to break her. Her mouth is so soft, and I can still taste a faint hint of strawberries lingering from her lip gloss. Damn, I don’t want to stop. I suck one of her lips between my teeth, then roll my tongue over the tender skin, allowing her to consume me.
My whole body instantly warms, and I mold my mouth to hers with an urgency I’ve never owned before. It’s scary how much I need this girl.
I break away and stare at her, waiting. After a minute, her lashes don’t even flutter.
She doesn’t wake up, and I’m powerless to help her.
~*~
The day slinks by, and I leave once to gather my shit from Dad’s office. Otherwise, I stay by Kate’s side the whole time. Marcy brings me food when she goes to the cafeteria. Even though we don’t talk much, I think she enjoys my company. She spends her time reading a slew of medical books she borrows from Dad. When she finishes with one, he brings her another. Once in a while, she’ll cross-reference something she read on her laptop.
My phone buzzes, but when I notice it’s a text from Ellie, I don’t read it. I should cut off our arrangement. It’s the right thing to do—what Liam would do—but I can’t.
With Ellie, it’s complicated. We have a history, and when we’re together, it’s like we’re keeping a little piece of Liam alive because he belonged to both of us. If I let her go, I’ll have to let him go, too. I’m not ready for that.
I stroke Kate’s arm; I can’t stop touching her. God, I’d give anything to fight this battle for her. She shouldn’t have to do this alone.
When Mr. Browdy arrives after work, my dad follows him in. He hasn’t spoken to me all day, and that’s fine by me. I have nothing to say to him.
“Damian,” he says, and I don’t bother acknowledging him. “Can I speak with you out in the hall, please?”
Fuck, really?
I kiss Kate’s hand. “I’ll be right back,” I whisper against her skin.
I nod at Mr. Browdy on my way out. Doc is waiting for me at the nurses’ station, which I’m relieved to see is empty.
“I see you’ve cleared your things out of
my office,” he says, leaning against the counter.
“Yeah, so?”
“Look, Damian, I don’t know what you’re doing with Kate Browdy, but she isn’t Ellie or any of the other girls you bring home at night. This is serious.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I point to Kate’s room, keeping my eyes focused on the asshole in front of me. “Kate is in there fighting for her goddamn life, and what the hell are you doing for her? Aren’t you her doctor?”
“I’m letting her fight. It’s all I can do.” He sighs, takes off his glasses, and pinches the bridge of his nose like this conversation exhausts him. “But her illness isn’t what I was talking about, Damian.”
I understood what he’d asked before. Clearly. I just didn’t have the answer.
“Kate’s been through a lot,” he continues, “and she has a long road ahead of her. Now, I didn’t say anything when you started messing around with Ellie—the two of you can figure it out for yourselves—but you need to think long and hard about your intentions with Kate.”
The more he talks the lower his voice drops, his gaze digging into me, and I realize that after seven years of treating her, he’s worried about the direction her disease is taking.
“Cancer will always be a part of her life, and the fact is, it may consume her in the end. Kate’s different, Damian. Her leukemia makes her different.”
From the corner of my eye, I notice Leslie round the edge of the nurses’ station. She’ll act as if she’s minding her own business, but I’ve been here long enough to know better. All the nurses on this floor know everything that goes on, and it’s not because they keep to themselves.
Dad’s eyes flick to her, and he slides his glasses back on. “Don’t hurt her, son. She deserves better.”
I stare at his back as he walks away, and, as much as it pisses me off coming from him, I can’t help agreeing with him.
Eight Days (Love Always #1.5) Page 2