She drops her phone on the floor beside her and readies herself to stand up. I shake my head and walk over, sliding down the wall to sit beside her.
“Ellie—” I start.
She sniffles and rotates into me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pushing herself hard against me. Tears drop onto me as she buries her face into my shoulder.
“Baby, you’ve got to tell me what’s wrong.” I pull her to me, nervous. I haven’t seen her like this since Liam died, and back then, we were both a mess.
“Just…hold me, okay?” she rasps out.
I nod against her, wishing I could comb my fingers through her hair, but she has it piled on top of her head. Instead, I massage my fingertips over the back of her neck to soothe her. Damn, I wish I would’ve answered my phone last night, I think again. She needed me—and not for sex.
Nurses I don’t recognize pass us, and I’m glad as hell they don’t know me. Lately, I’ve found myself caring about what the oncology nurses think of me, like if they approve, maybe there’s hope that I can be good enough for Kate.
And god damn it all, I’ve fucked that up again, being down here with Ellie. Already my body is reacting to having her against me. Her scent, so different from Kate’s, flows through me, and I have to reach between us to adjust my boner.
When Ellie leans back and wipes her eyes, I miss her in my arms. Having her close to me felt like I was doing something for her. Now, I’m just the douche bag sitting beside her.
“I’m sorry,” she apologizes, though I don’t know for what.
“What happened, Elle?”
She swipes her palms down her thighs, and I can’t help staring at the motion and wishing her jeans were on the floor. Because damn, those thighs around me are something else.
I’m rock hard at the thought.
“Um, yesterday when Dad came home from work, Mom said she thought he looked pale. I went over for dinner, and he was acting strange. Then he collapsed. I called 911. They said it was a massive stroke, and today they said it caused a lot of damage. That…that he won’t be able to walk again.” Her fist flies to her mouth to hold back the sobs.
At almost twenty, she shouldn’t have to deal with this yet, but Ellie’s parents are older. I don’t know what to do for her except gather her up in my arms again. Her head rests on my shoulder, and I feel her lips press against my neck.
From Ellie, I don’t need more of an invitation than that. I’ve been there for her in lesser circumstances, and I know how to take her mind off things when shit hits the fan. It’s what brought us together.
“Come on. I’ll help you get to sleep,” I say, extending my hand.
She hesitates, glancing at the door to her father’s room. “I don’t know if I should leave my mom by herself. What if…?”
Ellie reminds me of Liam—always considerate. It’s probably why they were so good for each other. Like Liam, Ellie’s one of the good ones—unlike me.
Instead of lingering in the past, I do what I do best: I take Ellie down Asshole Lane with me. “She’s a big girl, Elle. She’ll be fine for a while.”
I don’t wait for her to decline my offer. I take Ellie’s hand and lead her outside. Sure, she should stay with her mom, just like I should be in Kate’s room right now, but I justify my actions by convincing myself I’m taking care of Ellie. I’m keeping my promise to my brother.
Flurries swirl around us as we jog to my car. It’s parked on the back edge of the parking lot, and at this time of night, there are few vehicles this far out. I dig out my keys from my pocket and unlock the doors.
“Backseat,” I say, then I feel up her ass as she climbs in.
After I shut her in, I slide into the driver’s seat to start the car and crank the heat. It’s damn cold outside, and I need Ellie to be comfortable, not distracted.
I jump to the backseat with her and get to work, sucking on her neck. She moans softly and tilts her head to the side, giving me better access. Fuck, I missed this.
I move slow, even though I’d rather tear her clothes off and plunge inside her as quickly as possible. I need her on me, but I want her to enjoy it, so I take my time.
Her gaze drifts out the window, and I wonder if she’s worried about someone catching us. I pull her back to me and keep her mouth busy on mine. No one is out here except us.
A vision of Kate lying in her hospital bed, struggling with each breath, creeps into my mind. I push it away.
I can’t think about her right now. Can’t think about what Tammy said about her maybe not surviving.
I’m not strong enough to lose anyone else.
I fight through Kate’s image and focus on Ellie. My hands slip under her shirt, pressing against her ribs. Soft, familiar flesh greets me, and I want more of it.
“Maybe we should…” Ellie trails off.
“Enjoy ourselves,” I finish for her, pushing her up against the door and opening her knees to push myself against her sweet spot. I rock into her over and over.
Ellie’s breath comes faster, her lips parting in response. I glide my tongue over her throat as she leans her head back. God, I want to devour her and leave nothing but pieces of both of us scattered on the floor. We can make all the excuses we want, but we’re both here for the same reason: to forget. To drown ourselves in each other and pretend our lives make sense.
Before Kate. Before Liam.
At the thought, my movements speed up. I’m tired of thinking. Tired of breathing. I tug Ellie’s shirt over her head, not taking the time to enjoy the view of her breasts packed into her bra before I unhook it, freeing them into my palms.
I crush my lips onto hers as I roll both of her nipples between my thumbs and fingers. She loves when I do this, and I’m immediately rewarded with a breathless huff. She’s squirming under me, and it’s so fucking hot.
“Damian,” Ellie whimpers in my ear, hardening me even more.
We know each other. After two years, I’m an expert at turning her on and vice versa. Together, we’re safe.
Ellie gathers the back of my shirt into her hands and pulls it off me. She’s not as eager as I am because she’s too gentle, but I’m beyond caring. I’m losing myself in her body.
I trail my hands over her breasts, give them a good squeeze before I travel down her stomach and unbutton her jeans. I feel her tense a little, and I’m not sure why. It’s not like her. But as long as she doesn’t tell me to stop, we’re good.
She doesn’t, averting her gaze as I slip her jeans over her hips. I brush my fingers up her thighs and skim the edge of her underwear, waiting for a response. A shiver, a smile, a quiet moan. I get none of these things.
It’s okay. Whatever is bothering her at the moment, I’m in the perfect position to relax her. And I need her relaxed so that I can let go of my worries too, especially since I haven’t had a drink in a couple of days.
“Come here,” I say, pulling her panties down. She raises her ass to help me, and I ignore the distant look in her eyes. It’ll be gone in a few minutes, I’ll make sure of it.
Now that she’s naked, I shimmy out of my own jeans and sit in the middle of the backseat. I glide my hand up her inner thigh and separate her, massaging her so I know she’s ready.
And damn is she ready.
A small moan escapes her at my touch, and she locks her beautiful blues on me. A flicker of pain flashes in them before she looks away. If I was a decent guy, like Liam was, I’d back down at this point. I know she’s thinking she shouldn’t be out here with me. She should be inside with her mother, watching over her father.
I know, because it’s what I’m thinking too. With Kate.
Except I’m not a decent guy. I’m not Liam, and right now I’m in my car with his girlfriend.
I shrug it off because I’m so goddamn horny. It’s been three days—too fucking long. I grab Ellie’s hips and guide her to my lap.
“You’re still taking that pill, right?” I ask unnecessarily.
Two years ago we made
this deal. Ellie had been my first and my brother had been hers. If we’re with anyone else, condoms are a must; however, with each other, we don’t bother. I want to feel every inch of her; it’s our way of prioritizing, I guess. I’ve had other girls when Ellie’s been unavailable, but she only fucks me. I don’t complain.
“Yeah. We’re good,” she answers, distant. She’s staring out the back window toward the hospital.
I take her chin between my forefinger and thumb and bring her mouth to mine, distracting her from her guilt. Mine lingers, reminding me that I’ll pay for this later.
It’s not like I’ve made a commitment to Kate. I’m not in love with her.
That thought urges me on, and I position Ellie over me. Her knees sink into the seat on both sides of me as she dips down, my dick sliding into her.
Fuck yes.
She clenches her muscles, gripping around me as she slides up and relaxing when she glides back down. The feeling she creates on me almost makes me forget about Kate. Almost.
Ellie works on me like she knows what she’s doing, even though I catch her gaze flick up to the hospital. When I see it, I cup a breast and draw it to my mouth. It’s enough for her lips to form an O, and she closes her eyes, falling into the sensation.
If I can keep her like this, in a state of ecstasy, she’ll be moaning soon. If not, our little escape from reality will suddenly become a lot of work for me. Distracted girls don’t come easily.
I rock her hips into me, pressing deeper inside her. My fingers drift over her bare back, and I angle her head to the side so I can nibble on her neck. She usually loves when I do this, and tonight is no exception. She lets out a gasp, her breath wafting over me in ragged puffs of air.
I have her now.
I lean back against the seat, feeling every tiny motion of her body. Thoughts of Kate sneak into my head again, how this proves my father is right about me. That I’m right about me. I don’t deserve that girl.
Ellie rides me faster, and my hands automatically grip onto her ass to help her out. I push into her, my own orgasm rising within me. Ellie throws her head back and cries out in pleasure, giving me the go ahead to release myself inside her. My heart races as I push as deep as I can.
Her arms slink around my neck, and she nestles into me, laying her head on my shoulder. It’s more personal than what’s typical for us, and it momentarily catches me off guard. As if realizing that, she pulls away.
“Uh, sorry,” she mutters under her breath. Then she slides off me and begins to grab for her clothes on the floor. “I should head back in there, Damian, but thanks. Hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep now.”
I nod. “Yeah, me too.”
As she gathers her stuff, she hands me mine. Silently, we scramble to get dressed, and already guilt sinks into the pit of my stomach. I dread going back to the third floor. To Kate.
I’m a fucking asshole.
Not only to her, but to Ellie, too.
God, I need a drink. Instead, I snatch the pack of cigarettes in my glove box. I pull one out and shut the car door behind me.
Ellie begins to walk across the parking lot. When she notices I’m not with her, she turns around.
“You coming?”
I shake my head and light up. “Go ahead.”
Ellie flashes me a disapproving glare. She’s used it on me before, and I know what’s coming. She takes a few steps toward me, frowning. “You need to quit that, Damian. It’s not good for you.”
I laugh. “Thanks for the advice, Elle.”
“I mean it. Liam would be disappointed—”
“In this?” I cut her off, holding up the cigarette. “Yeah, well, I’m sure Liam would be disappointed in a lot of things if he were here. But he’s not, Elle. He’s gone.”
She slinks up to me, and I can feel her body heat radiating off her and filling the small space between us. “Your brother loved you, Damian. He wanted what was best for you…and so do I.”
I take another drag and blow the smoke in her face. She doesn’t flinch at my asshole gesture. “That’s charming, Ellie. Really.”
“You’re better than this,” she says, nodding at the cigarette, but I doubt that’s all she means by her statement. “Liam would have wanted—”
I’m done with her lecture. “I know what he would have wanted.” I toss the butt and shove my hands into my pockets. “It’s the same thing Dad wants. I’ll never live up to it, though, Ellie, so stop. No matter what I do, it won’t bring Liam back.”
I hold her gaze for a second longer, until I see tears brimming in her eyes. Then, in true Damian style, I sweep past her and jog back into the hospital. As I pass the gift shop, I notice the sales lady is still there doing inventory. I duck inside and sweet talk her into letting me buy up all the flowers they have. It won’t stop the guilt that’s threatening to consume me, I know that.
I’ve royally fucked up again. With Kate. With Ellie. With my dead brother.
I take a detour and lay a bouquet of flowers at Ellie’s dad’s door. After how I left her outside, she’ll know they’re from me.
Then I take the stairs up to the third floor. With my arms loaded down with flowers, it’s difficult to open the door quietly, but I manage. Marcy’s still asleep in the extra bed; my arrival doesn’t disturb her.
I set the flowers with vases on Kate’s nightstands, and the rest I dump on the window ledge to deal with in the morning. Except one single red rose. I pull it out of the bundle and walk over to Kate’s bed and my empty chair.
Slowly, I scoot the chair as close to Kate’s head as I can. Beside me, the machines beep in a steady rhythm, and the sound works to undo me. I sit down, holding the rose in my hand, debating. Asking someone for their forgiveness is one thing, asking it of yourself is another.
I need to decide what the fuck I’m doing. Why, after everything that’s happened, I always seem to wind up here. Beside this girl.
I don’t know how much time passes as I watch her, fighting to come up with some logical reason for why she captivates me. The only thing I conclude is how pissed off I am at myself for letting her down tonight. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. Neither she nor Ellie is my girlfriend, and I don’t owe them anything.
Still, it eats away at me.
Finally, I lay the rose by Kate’s ear and run my fingertips over her face. So beautiful. So fragile. So innocent.
So not me.
All of my faults, my weaknesses, my mistakes rush out in one short sentence. “I’m sorry, Katie.”
~*~
When I finally wake up, it’s after noon. Marcy is gone, leaving Kate and me alone. I should enjoy this. But knowing what I did last night, how I left her for another girl, being alone with her seems like a moment I’m not worthy of.
I slide my hand over her face, any part of bare skin I can find. Touching Kate isn’t like touching Ellie. It’s like touching something so precious, so special that each time your fingers glide over it, you savor every second. Because someday it might disappear, and you’ll never get a second chance to appreciate it.
That’s what I’m doing now. Appreciating her.
I can’t lose this girl.
Kate, with all her strength, all of her goodness, is exceptional. All that Kate is, I want to hold in my arms and keep for myself. I want her to belong to me and only me.
Broken, undeserving me.
I shake my head. How many times have I had to apologize to her? Too many, and I know there’ll be more. It’s what scared shitless people do. Make mistakes and hide behind them.
My mind travels back to last night with Ellie, how I treated her. Liam would never have done that. My brother was a goddamn saint that I’ll never live up to.
I clench the muscles in my jaw, my fingers trailing down Kate’s neck. Her skin is too cool. The soft, smooth flesh warms under my touch, and I’d give anything to warm her entire body this way.
Kate needs her own Liam. Someone I’ll never be, but for her, I’m going to try my damn
edest. I promised her that, and I’m doing a shitty job at keeping my end of our bargain.
“That all changes right now, baby,” I finish out loud, hoping she can hear me. “This time is for real. From here on out, you won’t even recognize me.
~*~
Two hours later when Leslie walks in, I smile at her. Marcy peeks up from behind her laptop and nods a hello.
“Here,” I say, standing up. “You can sit here if you want.”
I don’t want to give up my seat, especially to the nurse who hates my guts, but it’s what Liam would have done. You know, think of others before yourself and all that shit.
Leslie’s lips move like she’s going to answer me, but no sound comes out. I’ve made her speechless, which is quite an accomplishment, really. I laugh to myself. Had I known this trick earlier, I would’ve used it more often.
“Um, thank you, Damian, but I can’t stay long,” she finally says. “Any change?” she asks Marcy.
“No. Her blood work shows no improvement. I don’t know what else can be done for her,” Kate’s mom says. Her mouth tightens into a line.
Leslie hugs her, offering words of encouragement I can barely hear. Liam-like, I pull two tissues from the box beside me and hand them to Marcy when Leslie lets go of her.
Marcy dabs her cheeks. “Thank you, Damian.”
“You’re welcome. Can I get you anything else? A cup of coffee?”
“That’s very kind of you. Yes, coffee sounds great.”
Honestly, I should have been doing these things for Marcy all along. She’s not taken aback by my sudden offer, though. Like me, she’s been absorbed in her own world the last few days.
Leslie’s expression, however, has me chuckling. Her wide-eyed gaze follows me out of the room, digging into my back. This isn’t the me she’s grown to loathe.
That Damian has been an asshole to the nursing staff, Leslie especially. Besides my father, Leslie is my go-to person when it comes to what I’m supposed to do around here. I don’t listen to her, though, and the old Damian didn’t give a damn about her working extra hours to make up for what I failed to do.
Eight Days (Love Always #1.5) Page 4