by Tanith Morse
Slowly, I tore Pantelli’s cheque into tiny little pieces.
‘Thanks but no thanks.’
‘What?!’ he exclaimed. ‘You drive a hard bargain, lady. All right, all right, I’ll double it. Six million for your silence.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t want your money. Like I said, you can’t buy me. I don’t need you to pay me to stay quiet. No amount of money in the world could ever make me betray Bret. Please understand that, Mr Pantelli. I hope I haven’t offended you.’
The little man’s face went very dark. Then, slowly, that reptilian smile returned. ‘Nice speech, but I’m not buying it. You say that you would never betray Bret. Why is that? Because he gave you an orgasm? Because you think you’re in love me him?’ He said the words mockingly. ‘You think because he screwed you a couple of times and made some empty promises, that amounts to love? Ha! Wake up and smell the coffee Madeline. You’re being played.’
‘I don’t like the way you’re talking to me, Mr Pantelli.’
‘It’s Pani!’ he roared. ‘Why are you making this so difficult? It’s not exactly a tough decision is it? Stay in your shitty day job on your paltry salary, or get fucked by Bret Vincent for six million pounds. How is that a trick question? It’s the easiest money you’ll ever make. What’s so difficult about that?’
‘But it is, Mr Pantelli, it is. You don’t understand how much I care about Bret. This is so hard for me . . .’
He scoffed. ‘You don’t know the meaning of the word hard. Hard is sleeping rough and wondering where your next meal is coming from. Hard is watching my mother die in agony from cancer with no morphine because we couldn’t afford health insurance. That’s hard, Madeline. That’s the real world. Not the little bubble of denial you’ve created for yourself. What, you think just because you work in some dead-end job and can’t afford to take a holiday every year you’ve got it hard? Get some perspective on things!’
I buried my face in my hands. Tears stung my eyes. I couldn’t speak.
Pantelli’s tone softened a little. ‘There, there, don’t cry. I hate to see women cry. But in the end, you’ll thank me for this.’ He took out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to me. I blew my nose loudly. After I had calmed down a bit, he resumed: ‘You say you’re in love with Bret. Let me tell you some home truths about my friend. He’s a sex addict and, given the right circumstances, he’ll – pardon my language – he’ll fuck anything that moves. That’s not meant intentionally as an insult. I’m just telling it like it is. He doesn’t love you Madeline – he only shacked up with you because it was convenient. You could have been anyone. You’re not special.’
I jammed my fingers in my ears. ‘I don’t want to hear this!’
‘Do you really think Bret would choose you over someone like Maria Esposito? I’m sorry, but you’re not exactly his type are you? People like you and people like Bret aren’t meant to be together. He’s one of the beautiful people and you are . . . well, just look at you. That’s the truth. You’ll never be good enough for him. He’ll discard you when he’s finished.’
Pantelli’s words were like a knife in my heart. ‘Please leave now,’ I whispered. ‘I need to be alone.’
‘You can’t tell me to leave. I own this place!’
I looked at him, my face red with fury. ‘Yes I can. I pay my rent and with all due respect, Mr Pantelli, you’ve broken into my home. I didn’t invite you here and you’re not welcome anymore. If you don’t go, I’ll call the police, and I don’t think you’d want that, would you?’
Suddenly, we heard the downstairs door closing. Someone was coming up the stairs! Within seconds, Bret appeared in my living room, dressed as David Powell. When he saw Pantelli, he froze. Then he looked from him to me and back again. ‘What’s going on? Pani, what are you doing here?’
Pantelli didn’t say anything. He was too angry to speak.
‘Madeline? Can someone please tell me what the hell is happening here?’
‘Your friend has just offered to buy my silence for six million pounds. I’ve said no, but he’s not listening to me.’
Bret turned on Pantelli in a rage. ‘Pani, you didn’t?’
‘Yes, it’s true, Bret. I did offer her the money. But I only did it to help you. I don’t trust her, and we can’t afford to let her fuck things up.’
‘Madeline would never do anything to harm us, Pani. I know her.’
I swelled with pride at the way he had just defended me.
Pantelli stood up, ran his fingers exasperatedly through his hair. ‘Well you might trust her, but I don’t. I want to keep her out of this.’
‘It wasn’t just the money he came to see me about Bret. He said other stuff too . . . about you. He says you’re using me. He says you’re a sex addict and you don’t really love me. Is this true?’
Bret’s eyes flash with venom. Pantelli let out a shrill laugh. ‘She’s lying Bret, I promise you. I never said any of that. She’s trying to come between us, don’t you see that?’
Bret stood there for a while, looking at the two of us, trying to work out which one was telling that truth. Then, at length, he knelt down in front of me and took my hand. His eyes were warm, tender.
‘Baby, I don’t know what he’s told you about me, but none of it is true, okay? Sure, I’ve made some mistakes in the past, but I’ve been a new man since I met you. I love you with all my heart.’
‘Oh spare me the theatrics!’ Pantelli sneered. ‘Can’t you see it’s all an act, Madeline? He’s an actor for Christ’s sake. You can’t believe anything he says. If you love her, Bret, then why didn’t you tell her about Maria?’
‘What’s he talking about Bret?’
‘Did you tell Madeline about what happened with you and Maria the night you “died”? Did you tell her how you asked Maria to marry you?’
I frowned. ‘Darling, you told me it was over between the two of you. You didn’t really propose to her . . . did you? You told me you couldn’t stand her. You said she was like a Happy Meal.’
Pantelli exploded with laughter. ‘You see, Madeline? I told you he was a brilliant actor.’
Bret’s face darkened. ‘Okay, okay, I’ll admit I did ask Maria to marry me, but it wasn’t because I wanted to. Her family were putting so much pressure on me, I felt I had no choice.’
I coldly pulled my hand away. I didn’t want him near me.
‘Baby please . . .’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t know who to believe anymore.’
Pantelli stepped in between us. Puffed on his cigar. There was a look of triumph on his face. ‘I don’t know why we’re wasting time here, Bret. You don’t have to explain yourself to this woman. I mean, who the hell does she think she is, questioning you like this?’
Bret jumped to his feet and waved his fist menacingly at the billionaire. ‘Listen pal, this woman just happens to be the best thing that ever happened to me!’
Pantelli shook his head. ‘I’m really starting to lose my patience with both of you. Now Bret, I’ll make this simple for you. Either you give this bitch up, or I’ll out you to the press myself. And if I have to do that, it won’t be a pretty picture. I’ll destroy you; I’ll sue you for every last cent for breach of contract.’
‘What contract?’ I asked. ‘Bret, what’s he talking about?’
‘Pani made me sign a contract exonerating him of all responsibility. I signed a declaration stating that it was I and I alone that hatched up this caper. Basically, if this ever gets out, it’s me that’s going down, not him.’
‘That’s right,’ Pantelli grinned. ‘But you can avoid all this hassle if you honour the terms of our agreement.’
‘And those are . . .?’ I looked at Bret.
‘That I remain hidden until Oscar night to prove whether his theory about me winning Best Actor is true.’
‘This is insane!’
‘Look Bret, I don’t want to fight about this anymore. I’ll fly you anywhere you want – Brazil, Barbados, Thailand, you name it. Aren’t yo
u sick of this country by now? The terrible weather, the dog women. It’s time you got a life.’
Bret looked at me helplessly.
‘Go with him,’ I said quietly. ‘He’s right. You don’t belong here. Go with him and don’t come back.’
‘But I want to be with you!’
‘There’s no other way, can’t you see that? I’ll only get you into more trouble.’ I could feel the tears rising in my chest, but managed to control myself. ‘Go, both of you. And don’t worry, I won’t say anything. I just want to forget this ever happened.’
Bret stared at me for a long time. Then reluctantly, he made for the door. Pantelli continued grinning like the cat that had got the cream. On his way out, he placed a business card on the table. ‘Well Madeline, it’s been nice knowing you.’ He pointed to the card. ‘That’s how to contact me if you have a change of heart. About the money, that is. I can honestly say that what the tabloids will pay you for your story is peanuts compared with what I’m offering. So, don’t get any stupid ideas, okay? If you feel like blabbing, do the sensible thing. Call me and we’ll work something out. Ciao.’
The door closed and they were gone. I broke down in tears. My whole world had crumbled.
Chapter Twenty-one
I walked for what seemed like hours. I didn’t care where. I just couldn’t deal with being at home alone right now. I had to be out in the cool night air, surrounded by people and the great outdoors.
My mind was tormented by the loss of Bret. Inside it was like I was dying,, like I was lost in a labyrinth of sorrow and anxiety. Everything had changed and yet nothing really had. I was still the same Madeline Smith, wasn’t I? The same fat Plain Jane with nothing to live for.
I felt so confused about everything.
Staggering along the bridge, I gazed out at the Thames, the O2, the Canary Wharf Towers. Bright lights, big city. I stopped. Lay my hand on the railing. Closed my eyes, thought of Bret’s passionate kisses and mourned him like he really was dead.
I opened my eyes again. A happy couple passed me. Laughed. Held hands, giggled. I glanced at them and felt my heart breaking. That could have been Bret and me.
Had I really done the right thing letting go of him so easily? He’d said that he loved me, but was he telling the truth? Despite Pantelli’s vindictiveness, some of what he’d said did have a ring of truth to it. Why had Bret lied to me about proposing to Maria? Had he really just been using me for sex, or had I actually meant something to him? He was an actor, one of the best in his trade, so how could I ever be sure where the performance ended?
I stared at the dark sky. Thought about the money. Oh yes, the six million quid that could change my life. All I had to do was say the word and it would be mine. I could gain all by simply keeping my mouth shut. And yet . . . what was six million quid with no one to share it with? Sure, it’d buy me a lot of friends, probably even a lot of men, but it wouldn’t be me they were interested in, would it? No, it would be the money. I’d end up living like Bret, wondering whether people were genuine. Surrounded by sharks.
The truth was, I didn’t want to go on living without Bret. He was all I wanted, my heart and soul. The love of my life. I couldn’t imagine a future without him.
I paused, relishing a sudden cold breeze on my face. I stared down into the dark rippling water. It would be so easy to jump, wouldn’t it? Now that I’d had a brief taste of happiness I would be happy to go. Happy to smother my sadness in a wave of watery oblivion. Even if I never saw Bret again, at least I could die with a smile on my face. For a short while, I had allowed myself to believe that I could be happy; that I could live happily ever after with the man of my dreams. The cynic in me was now back with vengeance. Happy endings were only make-believe. I saw that now.
I stepped up onto the railing, leaned over, veered dangerously close to the edge. I blinked in the darkness, looked again at the water. It seemed to be singing to me, calling out to me. Jump! Drown your sorrows. Heal the pain.
Pantelli was right. What future was there for Bret and I? We belonged to different worlds. He wasn’t exactly going to come back for me was he? I couldn’t exactly see him taking me to one of his Hollywood film premiers. No, that privilege was reserved for the young and the beautiful; the wealthy, the popular. The likes of Maria Esposito. Not someone like me. Never some like me.
I put one foot forward, swung dangerously close to the water. It wouldn’t take much now. Just a little further . . .
‘Maddy, is that you?’
I turned round and stared into a familiar face. A sweet cherub face with blonde hair, freckles and wide-set eyes. I frowned. I recognised this person, definitely knew them. It was just the setting I wasn’t accustomed to.
‘Maddy, it’s me – Alice.’
‘Alice?’
‘From work.’
‘Oh God, sorry. I didn’t recognise you.’ I stepped down from the railing and stuffed my hands in my coat pockets, suddenly awkward. I hadn’t expected to bump into someone I knew in the middle of trying to top myself.
Sod’s Law, I thought darkly.
Alice smiled warmly at me. Tonight she could have easily passed for sixteen. ‘So what are you doing round here?’ she asked innocently.
‘I might ask you the same question. I thought you lived in Wimbledon?’
‘I do! I’m just on my way back from seeing my gran. She lives in Poplar. Actually, I grew up round these sides – in Shadwell. I only moved to Wimbledon last year when my mum remarried.’
I nodded vacantly. I wasn’t really interested in making small talk with Alice. I had a date with my maker, and she was getting in the way.
‘So Maddy, where are you off to now?’
‘Home. I only live a couple of streets away. Falcon Mews.’ My voice was cold, toneless. I bit down on my lip, stared at the pavement. Why couldn’t she get the hint and shove off?
‘Well, if you’re not doing anything, do you fancy coming for a quick drink? A mate of mine is picking me up at ten to give me a lift home, so I’ve got a bit of time to kill till then. Besides, it’ll be nice to have a proper chat with you, Maddy. We never seem to have time at work, do we?’
I gritted my teeth. ‘Thanks for the offer but I’m not really in the mood for socializing.’
‘Oh come on! Please. It’ll be fun. You don’t have to stay for long. Please, please please! I could do with the company.’ She linked her arm in mine.
I smiled thinly.
‘Okay, just one drink.’ Perhaps I could put my suicide on hold after all.
We went to the George and found ourselves a quiet table at the back. Actually, I could have sworn it was the exact same one Bret and I had sat at before the Krav Maga fracas. Alice asked me what I wanted to drink. I told her a glass of red wine, and reached into my pocket for some money.
‘Don’t worry Maddy, I’ll get this. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that I still owe you that twenty quid from before. Tell you what, why don’t we just get a bottle? It’ll work out cheaper that way.’
‘Yeah, okay.’ I was touched that she’d remembered my act of kindness from all that time ago.
She ordered us a bottle of house red. I could tell as soon as we sat down that there was something on her mind. Something she wanted to talk to me about.
‘This is a really nice pub,’ she grinned, looking around the rustic decor. ‘Do you come here often?’
‘No, not really. I don’t go out much.’
Alice studied the menu for a second. ‘Do you fancy getting something to eat? I’m absolutely starving.’
‘No, I’m fine, thanks. I’m not feeling hungry.’
‘Well, I think I’ll get some potato wedges. What’s the food like here? Have you ever tried it?’
I shrugged my shoulders. ‘It’s okay, I guess. I haven’t tried the wedges though, so I can’t give you my verdict on them.’
Alice glanced up at me and laughed softly. She clearly sensed my black mood but didn’t care. She was going to persevere nonethe
less.
When she returned from ordering the wedges, she poured us both a glass of wine. Abysmal, sour tasting stuff. I longed for the divine flavour of Dom Perignon.
‘I’ve tasted better,’ she admitted after her second sip. ‘Oh well, you get what you pay for, I suppose.’
I eyed her shrewdly. I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. ‘So how are you? Is the new job all you thought it was cracked up to be?’
Alice pulled a face. ‘Don’t get me started. I bloody hate it there, Maddy. They don’t give you any support; they just throw you in at the deep end and expect you to know everything from scratch. I haven’t had any management training, and when I asked William for help, he just said I had to get on with it. He called me a baby, a quitter. To be completely honest with you, it’s been a nightmare. Everyone hates me, except for you.’ She smiled kindly. ‘You’re the only person that’s ever been nice to me, Maddy. The only one that made me feel welcome. I’m so grateful to you for that.’
Poor little Alice. I had a feeling she wouldn’t have been able to hack it.
‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘I’m sure things will get better once you’re settled. People always give new managers a hard time. It’s nothing personal. They’re just jealous. Give it some time and you’ll be fine.’
‘I wish I could believe that, Maddy, I really do. But they’re all snakes in there. And that Jaiman – God, he’s such a conniving little creep. He keeps pointing out my errors to Angela. You know what he did to me the other
day . . .’
I listened to her yapping with a glazed expression. I saw her as just another person trying to dump their mundane troubles on me. What did I care about her issues with Jaiman? It was so pathetic. I had way more important things to think about – like my impending suicide.
Downing the last of my wine, I quickly poured myself another and watched the dark red reflections shimmering in the glass. Perhaps if I got tipsy I could psyche myself up enough to go through with it.
‘You finished that quickly, didn’t you?’ Alice pouted her pulpy lips. She went silent for a moment. ‘Sorry, I’ve been talking so much; I forgot to ask you how your cold is. Are you feeling any better? I noticed you sneezing at lunch today.’