by Jordan Marie
“Nicole?”
“Yeah?”
“The person you helped…did you get them back?” I ask, her answer is important.
She walks to the first door and holds her head down.
“It’s a work in progress Carrie, but I’m glad I never gave up.”
It’s not at all what I wanted to hear, but I will have to take it. I don’t have a choice.
“Crusher dear, seems you’re taking me home. My master has spoken,” she calls out as the door closes behind her.
I take a deep breath, close my eyes and try to get a handle on my emotions. Just as I’m walking into Dancer’s room, Bull comes up behind me. Damn he moves quickly. He looks at my face and I’m sure he can tell that I have been crying, but he doesn’t say anything. He kisses my forehead and opens the door for me.
10
Dancer
I’m lying in the bed feeling as if I’m floating. At first I figure I’m dead. I can almost feel relief. Slowly I start recognizing the voices, Dragon and Nicole talking. Their voices are low, but I can hear them. Maybe this is my hell? Listening to two people obviously in love talk about their poor pathetic friend like he’s not around?
“I need you,” I hear Dragon say in a tone I have never heard from my brother.
“You’ll always have me,” She whispers back.
What would that be like to know that the woman you wanted would be there beside you no matter what? Carrie would have given that to me. I know it. I’ve always known it. She’s young and she’s been protected from the world, but she’s strong and she never waivers in supporting those she cares about. She would have given me exactly what Nicole is giving Dragon and probably more. She still would. At least I think she would try. What would she do though? How would she feel if she knew the man she loves, the man who she thinks can protect her from the world was so weak, is so fucking pitiful that he couldn’t even protect himself?
The thought of Carrie finding out about the attack, of finding out what I was too weak to prevent fills me with dread. How can she love someone like that? Someone like me?
“Red, I told you…”
I try to open my eyes, but can’t. I manage to open them just enough to see blurry images, but that effort takes too much. I hear Dragon’s words but it’s Carrie’s scent that slams into me. It reaches me even over the antiseptic smell of the hospital room. It is the scent of sweet flowers and summer. It is Carrie. I take it in. I’ve dreamed of that scent for so long. It calms me, it tortures me, and it haunts me.
“I thought I gave an order,” Dragon says again.
“I ignored them. How is Jacob?” Carrie asks and then I feel her fingers wrap around my hand. I feel a little less cold hearing her voice and having her touch.
She’s here after I hurt her. She’s here holding my hand and worried about me, despite everything.
“Doctor says he’s doing fine, he just hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”
“What happened?” Carrie asks and my heart stops. I don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to have proof of how weak I am. I need her to see me as she always has.
“Car accident,” Dragon answers. My brother has my back, even after everything.
“It happened down by the dam? I know I’m new, but there’s not usually a lot of traffic by a dam this late at night. Was there another party involved? Was there other people hurt?” She questions and I can feel her smoothing out the covers over my chest. I want her to let it go, to stop the questioning. I don’t want her to know. I need her to remain clueless. I can’t see the disappointment in her face, or worse the disgust if she knows the whole story.
“I’m going to get some coffee,” Bull speaks up. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I’m glad he’s leaving. I want him as far away from Carrie as he can get. That’s just further proof that I’m a bastard, and that she deserves better.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Carrie, all due respect, but Dance wouldn’t want you here and he wouldn’t appreciate you knowing his business. Let me take you home.”
Fuck. I can’t hear this shit. I did this. I put my brother in this position. Worse I’m responsible for others hurting Carrie now.
“I’m not leaving.”
“I have to think of my brother…and this may hurt you Carrie, but you have to know the minute he wakes he’s going to tell you to leave.”
“Then when he wakes up and tells me to leave, I’ll go.”
The room goes quiet and I’m thankful. Hearing them discuss me, discuss how hateful I’ve been to this woman who even now cares about what happens to me? Fuck, I am in hell.
She still has hold of my hand, but now I can feel her fingers feather gently across my face. How long has it been since someone has touched me in a way that I can tell they care? Carrie touched me that night two years ago. Her hand had gently touched my face, much like now. She had looked at me with those damn green eyes of hers, so full of dreams and told me she loved me. I can still remember the panic I felt. Hell, I feel it now.
Maybe if I have Carrie, the darkness won’t swallow me. Maybe if I let her, she could save me. Because, I’m dying a little more every damned day. Inside I’m rotting away and I can’t stop it. I’m desperate, and when her hands are on me, it’s the first time I’ve been able to draw a breath that feels even half way clean.
Can she take away all of the darkness?
Sleep begins to drag me back under. I want to fight it, but I’m just too tired. I concentrate on Carrie’s touch. If she’s here, maybe the nightmares will stay away.
11
Carrie
My fingers move over Jacob’s face, tracing the cuts and scrapes that mar his beauty. He seems to be resting better now. Was it my imagination that I felt his hand weakly squeeze mine?
“Carrie, you might hear…well there are just things that Dancer might say while he’s sleeping that he would not want you to hear,” Dragon says.
I swallow. He wouldn’t want Dragon to hear it either.
“I already know,” I whisper the words like a guilty secret. I check Jacob over trying to find everywhere he has been hurt. I’m not doing it stay busy. The fact that Dragon knows Jacob’s secret has rattled me. I haven’t given myself time to process it yet. Dragon and I discussing it now seems like I’m betraying Jacob somehow.
I move his gown to the side and find an ugly scar on Jacob’s side. It is old, there’s no way it came from the accident. It’s healed over and ugly to look at. It’s at least a couple of months old… maybe more.
I bite my lip, but not before a whimper of noise escapes. Jacob has endured so much pain. I close my eyes and try to get control. I cover him back up. It’s another secret that Jacob should be allowed to keep. Another secret, that Jacob would hate Dragon or me knowing.
“Did he tell you?” Dragon asks, and I sigh. It would be easier if he had. I’d feel less like I am trespassing where I shouldn’t.
“No, I found out like you did. You heard him in his sleep right?” I add when I worry about if he’ll get mad if he knows Nicole told me. She trusted me, I owe her.
Dragon nods once, “Some demons haunt the loudest when we can’t fight them.”
“Amen.”
“You need to get home to Nicole. Let me stay with Jacob.”
“I don’t think…”
“If nothing else Dragon, it will give him someone to direct all his rage on.”
Dragon walks towards the door.
He has almost left the room when he stops and asks, “You care for my brother?”
“I love him. I always have.”
“Being lost doesn’t make you weak.”
“I never thought it did.”
“The strongest motherfucker still gets tired,” he adds.
My heart feels like a tight fist has grabbed it and is slowly choking the life out of me.
“You’ll get them?” I ask, knowing he will understand. If he isn’t planning on it, so help me God, I will find some way
to do it myself.
“Every last fucking one.”
“Make it hurt,” I order, sitting back down as the tears fall because I can’t hold them back any longer. I grab Jacob’s hand. I need to touch him to hold onto him as long as I can.
12
Dancer
Carrie has a unique scent that is all her. I’m not a man who knows these things, but she reminds me of the morning air after a thunderstorm. I could get drunk on that smell. Every time I breathe it in, even when I am at my most angry, I feel this surge of rightness come over me. I’ve pushed and pushed her away but she keeps coming back and if she stopped…I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have to worry about finding the courage to end it all. No, without the hope she gives me, I’d already be dead.
I’m sore all over. When I made the decision to drive off the dam into the lake, I accepted that it was over. I wanted it to be over. The problem was that I hadn’t picked a big enough dam to drive off of. The car hit the water with a splat. Nothing happened like I thought it would. No air bags released, no bright lights shown through the dark pointing the way to a better place. I got none of the things my brain had envisioned. Most of all, there was no instant relief for me. Instead, the car began filling with water. I was groggy, dazed even. I think my head hit the side of the door. I can’t really recall. I just remember feeling the water rising on my legs and silence so thick I could almost taste it.
Then, I felt hands on me, pulling. I couldn’t get awake enough to fight them off. The next thing I knew, I was on the side of the bank, coughing up lake water with the sound of an ambulance’s siren in the background.
Which brings me to the here and now and the fact that Carrie has her head on my stomach. I open my eyes slowly to see her gorgeous red hair fanned out over me. I love the color of her hair. It’s always been like a beacon to me. So bright and deep in color with these long twists and curls that I instantly need to bury my hands in it.
Hell, I could have made a living from making Carrie off limits. Her small hand is clutching mine. It’s warm—so damned warm it feels like her touch has invaded my bloodstream. I angle my head to look at her soft face. She’s sleeping. She still looks the same in sleep, but somehow even more innocent. Worse, Carrie looks so damn young. I feel ancient next to her. My large hand has signs of age that hers don’t. The sane thing to do is to keep pushing her away, to feed the anger that has festered inside of me. I should continue to blame her for it all….at least on the outside. Doing so will mean she is far away from me and that’s better for her. I’m on the edge of doing it. It’s not that I’m a selfless man. It’s just that Carrie deserves more than some dirty, bastard ex-con in her life. She always has. She is made for a white picket fence, for a three bedroom home in the suburbs, with children running around at her feet. That’s the kind of life she is made for and deserves to have. I am not that man. I wasn’t that man before my stint in jail, before the demons lodged themselves inside of me. Now? I am definitely not that man. I should leave her to a world, far away from me.
My decision is almost made when Bull opens the door. He looks at Carrie first. I can see a small shudder in his body. I know he cares for her, so I know what that tell-tale movement means. I’m a bastard. I fully admit it, but that makes up my mind.
I am not giving Carrie to a brother, a man I have to see constantly. I cannot handle the thought of Carrie falling in love with Bull and sharing her life with him. That shit is not happening.
I flex my hand in Carrie’s. Not that much, to be honest even if I wanted to I couldn’t. My body feels heavy and thick. Those beautiful green eyes open up, looking at me in confusion. I watch her blink a few times before she focuses on my face. That familiar kick in my stomach hits me.
God, she really is beautiful. She licks her pale pink lips and I’m mesmerized by her tongue sliding along the flesh. I want to taste them. It’s a move as old as time. Something women have used to tempt and lure men for years. Thing is, I know that with Carrie it is completely innocent and that makes it even sexier. I see trepidation flash in her eyes and I hate the wariness on her face. It’s what I’ve conditioned in her. She expects me to lash out at her now.
“Hey, Princess,” my voice breaks and sounds hoarse and wrong. She jerks. Her eyes go large. She tries to pull up and let go of my hand. I don’t let her, instead I tighten my grip. She looks at our joined hands and then back at me.
“Sorry, Jacob. I’ll just…”
“Kiss me.”
“I didn’t mean…what did you say?” She asks, the shock echoing in her voice and I have to grin. This is going to be more fun than I imagined.
“You said you wanted me, so kiss me.”
“Kiss you?” She asks.
“Care Bear, this isn’t going to work if you repeat everything I say. Now bring those lips down here and kiss me.”
Damn it hurts to talk that much. Part of my throat feels like it has been cut by glass. Still, the minute I use her childhood nickname, I can feel some of the tension in her body slowly evaporates. Delicious.
“Jacob, I…are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine as soon as I get your lips, Princess.”
Sadness flashes in her eyes. It seems odd how I can read every emotion she feels. I think I always have.
“I’ll call a nurse and get her to…”
“I don’t need a nurse. I need you.”
“Jacob…”
I pull her hand and bring her lips closer to me, her eyes never leave mine, until she’s so close that you can’t put a piece of paper between us. Her eyes flutter close, her long eyelashes fan out. They are even more beautiful close up. Her lips briefly touch mine. It’s a peck, not a kiss and I might let her get away with that, except for one thing. Bull is standing at the door watching us. I mentioned I’m a bastard. So I wrap my good hand, the one without the IV, into her hair and grip it hard. She gasps at the small bite of pain and I push my tongue in.
It’s not a deep kiss, it’s not long, hard and devouring like I’m longing to give her. I’m not able right now, plus my mouth and throat don’t feel like my own. Still it’s a good kiss. It’s a kiss that delivers a message—two actually. One, it lets Carrie know that I’m through pushing her away. Second, Bull can see up close and personal that I own this woman and she’s mine. Whenever and wherever I say, Carrie is mine. Maybe that’s what drives me to hold her close after our lips break apart. Carrie thinks I’m hugging her, and I am. She thinks I did it so I could talk in her ear. I didn’t. My lips are close to her ear because I like the idea of my breath fanning her exposed neck. Still, that’s not the reason for this embrace. I’m a bastard.
“No more running. I’m going to take that pussy you offered me earlier, and this time I’m not stopping with just touching it.”
Can she tell I’m not bothering to whisper? Can she hear the extra crack in my voice, as I actually speak louder than I should?
“We…Jacob, we should talk,” she says pulling back slightly so she can look at me. I worry she’s had enough and that I have burned too many bridges with her.
“Do you still want me? Care Bear, do you love me?”
She looks at me like she is trying to unravel a mystery. Good luck with that baby, I can’t even fucking figure out my own self.
“Yes, Jacob…but…”
“Then we’ll work it out baby. Together.”
Silence for a few beats and I beat down the fear. I need her to help me survive.
“Together,” she whispers and I smile. I smile because as I pull her close again to hug her and place a small kiss on her shoulder? My eyes lock with Bull’s and I grin at the way the words obviously hurt him.
That’s right fucker, I win.
13
Carrie
Is it wrong if you lie to yourself? I know. I’m not stupid. I look into Jacob’s eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is playing me. I don’t know why. I don’t understand. I want to yell and scream at him. I want to slap his face and demand he
treat me like I have a few brain cells. I don’t. Instead I remember what Nicole said. I swallow down the need to scream, the need to demand. I remember that I love this man and I want to fight for him, not with him.
So I let him kiss me. It’s not like that’s a big hardship. I want his kiss. I crave his kiss. The fact that I can count the hours from the last time I had his lips? It just makes me want his kiss that much more. So I take his kiss and I let him lie. Does that make me weak? I don’t know. I need to try and reach him and if he pushes me away that can’t happen. So I make a decision. A decision to tread lightly and see where it goes. God I hope I’m doing the right thing and not making it all worse.
As Jacob slowly lets go of me, I hear a noise. I look over my shoulder towards the door figuring Dragon has come back. The door is clicking closed. Maybe it was just a nurse peeking in to check on Jacob?
“Get me a drink of water will you?”
I walk over to the other side of the bed and grab the cup that was sitting there. I angle the straw to his lips and help him get a drink. I’m about to go back to my chair, but as I put the glass down on the table, I feel Jacob’s hand on my hip.
“What?”
“Come here, Princess.”
I shake my head no. I may have made the decision to try, but I need to try and keep a clear head and I cannot do that with Jacob’s lips anywhere near me.
I turn, his hand digs into my hip and he pulls me down to the bed. I reach out to catch myself, bracing awkwardly with one hand on the mattress, the other on his shoulder.
“Jacob, stop you’ll hurt yourself.”
“I know you’re upset with me. You have every right to be, but you’ve got to believe me. Care Bear, I’m tired of running.”
His hand moves under my hair and cups the side of my face.