by Jordan Marie
I keep staring at the pills, alternating between being afraid of what I’m about to do, and afraid of not doing it. I place my free hand on my leg and watch as it shakes. I don’t think it has anything to do with the occasional tremors I have. I hear a door close through the phone and then Dani’s voice comes back to me.
“What do you need, Bull?” she asks, her voice laced with concern. Dani has gone through a lot of changes since she and Crush worked shit out. I hated her once. Part of me still might. But she was the only one who saw me sinking. She was the only one who reached out a hand. I still remember the last time I saw her before she and Crush left to join Diesel’s crew in Tennessee. She hugged me, which frankly scared the hell out of me. Dani and I didn’t have that kind of relationship. I never wanted one with her. I blamed her for all kinds of shit, even if most of it wasn’t her fault. She made mistakes that hurt people I loved and, therefore, that made her someone not worth my time. Saying that now makes me an asshole, because the mistakes I’ve made aren’t exactly minor, and I don’t have the reasons behind them like Dani did.
“You didn’t have to lie to him,” I tell her, stalling. My voice is gruff, and I can almost taste my own fear. Hell, Skye was right to look at me with disgust.
“Did you want me to tell him the truth?” she asks, because she knows why I’m calling. She knows, because on that last day when she hugged me, she pressed a note in the palm of my hand. I waited until I was alone to read it, and I was glad I did.
I know what you do when you think no one sees. I see the emptiness in you, because I’ve lived it. If you ever need a friend, I’m here. Call me.
I destroyed the note, but I stored the number she scribbled at the bottom into my phone. I’ve never used it, never even thought about it, until Skye threw my drug test results in my face. Now I sit here facing the fact that I’ve lost a shot at a good woman because of what I’ve become.
Realistically, I knew it would be hard to get close to Skye with the damned way we met the first time between us. I always suit up. Always. Except for that one night when I was higher than a kite and feeling no pain. Melissa went down on me, and a condom on my cock was the last thing I thought about when she took me into that wet mouth of hers and sucked me like a damn vacuum cleaner.
I rake my hand over the back of my neck and hold it there. Hoping the warmth staves off some of the pain.
“Bull?” Dani questions again and, shit, I wonder how long I’ve had her on the phone, not talking.
“Not really, I guess,” I answer clearing my throat. “I…fuck I don’t know why I’m calling.”
“Yeah you do.”
“Yeah, I guess I do,” I tell her, hating the defeat in my voice.
“It’s good you called, Bull.”
“You think?” I joke, thinking it’s anything but good.
“Yeah, it means you’re tired of falling.”
Falling. Yeah that’s a good term for it.
“So, what now?” I ask her, because I don’t know what I thought she could do from another state away, but I just know I don’t have the first clue of what to do on my own.
“We find you help.”
“I thought that’s what you were supposed to be? My help, I mean.”
“You need meetings, Bull. You need sobriety. I’m an ear and someone who’s been where you’re at right now. I’m a sounding board that’s not here to judge. I’d like to say friend, but I don’t have to be. I can be your sponsor if you’d rather.”
“Sponsor?”
“Yeah, I have one. Though honestly, Zander is my rock these days. Still, there are times when I need to reach out to Leslie.”
I take a deep breath. “So, sponsor, where do we go from here?”
Her voice comes back to me and it’s one word, but I hear her happiness in it, and I hold onto it. She’s a woman who lived without happiness for so long. She had every reason to give up. If she can find it, maybe I can, too.
“Up,” she says. “We go up, Bull.”
I take a breath. Then another. I stand up, grab the bottle, and walk to the large trashcan in front of the elevators. “I want to try,” I tell her and throw the pills in the garbage.
“That’s the hardest step to take, Bull.”
She’s not lying. It does feel that way. I hope this doesn’t end up being another thing I fail at.
3
Skye
Three Months Later
I love the mountains in Kentucky. I love everything about them. From their large rolling views, to the way they make you feel sheltered and protected—almost as if you were in God’s arms. They grabbed my attention years ago, and never let me go. It’s the main reason I decided to settle here with Matty. They’re gorgeous any time of the year—from Spring, when new growth takes place and different hues of green call to you, to Autumn, when trees set off a display of colors that no firework show could match. They hold so much beauty, it takes my breath away. They all pale in comparison to what I’m looking at now, however. It’s a beautiful day, and I decided to have lunch on the cement picnic tables out from the courtyard of the hospital. It’s relatively empty, because most of the hospital staff likes to congregate in the food court area. I hate crowds, so this suits me better. The fact that Mr. Kane is staring down at me right now leaves me torn between wondering if I shouldn’t run back towards to the food court, or ask him to sit down. I haven’t seen him in three months. I thought our last encounter had chased him off, and it was for the best. I shouldn’t have missed him—but I did, and not seeing him made me sad.
“Mr. Kane.”
“Hey Doc, did you miss me?” he asks, and he’s smiling while clearly joking, but something about him is different.
“Was I supposed to?”
“Ouch, Doc, that hurts,” he says, sitting down.
“Have a seat,” I tell him, sarcastically.
“What is that you’re eating?” he says, curling up his nose.
I can’t say as I blame him. I look down at my sad chicken wrap and drop it back onto the plate.
“I think it’s a new concoction the hospital cafeteria is working on in case of a zombie apocalypse.”
“Zombie apocalypse?”
“Yeah, something they freeze dried for a year, and it was supposed to keep. Only, I don’t think it did. Oh well, I wasn’t real hungry.”
“Now that’s a shame, Doc, because I come bearing gifts,” he says, and it’s then that I notice he’s holding a paper bag and a drink carrier. I missed it before, because the man is so fine, I find myself glued to his beautiful eyes. The way his t-shirt likes to cling to that stomach, it’s no wonder I fantasize about him. I’m only human after all.
He puts his items on the table, reaches in and brings out two wrapped sandwiches, handing me one, along with a large coffee.
“What are you doing?”
“Having lunch with you? I didn’t know how you liked your coffee, so I got it black, but there’s some creamer and shit in the bag, if you want it.”
I look at him like he’s grown two heads. I haven’t seen or heard from him since our last run in, and I’m not sure what I thought would happen if I saw him again. Fantasies don’t count! But, one thing I do know, I certainly wasn’t expecting this.
“I don’t drink coffee,” I tell him, because I don’t know what else to say.
He stops unwrapping his sandwich to smile at me. “I’ll remember that for next time.”
Next time?
I unwrap my sandwich and nearly groan in appreciation. BLT! Yum! I start eating it and drink the water that I already had. We sit there in silence for a few minutes, just eating, before I must ask him.
“What is this, Mr. Kane?”
“We’re having lunch, Doc.”
“I get that. What I don’t understand is why.”
“Why? Can’t I just want to have lunch with you?”
“Mr. Kane, we discussed this. I can’t and won’t date…”
He reaches into the pocket of the
leather vest he’s wearing and pulls out a piece of paper, sliding it across the table to me.
“What’s this?” I ask unfolding it. When I read it, my hand shakes. What does he mean with this?
“Three months clean, Doc. Me and my dick,” he states, biting into his sandwich, as if he’s discussing the weather.
“I’m happy for you, Mr. Kane, but…”
“Relax, Doc. I wanted you to know that I’m not the man you first met, I’ve changed. Plus, I’ve thought on what you said, and I realized I’ve never had a woman friend.”
“This news doesn’t surprise me.”
“Sarcasm can be ugly, Doc,” he says with a wink.
I have to struggle not to choke on the water I’m swallowing.
“Anyways, I hate being called Mr. Kane, and I hate my first name. If I’m ever going to get you to call me Bull, I figure we need to be friends.”
“Friends? Without benefits?” I clarify.
“Why Doc? Are you offering?”
“No. I mean, I just assumed that…I mean I don’t want….”
He starts laughing, and I haven’t heard him laugh before. It’s a good sound. Solid and firm, warm and inviting, and I should not be noticing it.
“Yeah, Doc. Just friends, no benefits, except you calling me Bull, and me spending time with you.”
I ignore the sensation deep down inside of me that feels like disappointment at his offer. I give him my agreement with a smile. “Always happy to make new friends Mr…. I mean, Bull.”
“That right there makes it all worth it.”
“You’ll have to explain that remark,” I tell him drying my hands.
“Hearing you say my name with a smile on your face.”
“And this, all worth it? What exactly does that mean?”
“You’re a sharp one, Doc.”
“Medical school and being a mom,” I explain. “You can’t afford to let a lot slip by you.”
“Gotcha. Well that’s a question for another day.”
“It is?”
“Yeah. Tomorrow? Same place and time?” he asks.
“I don’t work tomorrow.”
“Then meet me for lunch.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I have plans,” I tell him, and wave at Buck and Alex, the cardiac floor nurse. Buck is one of the janitors on staff, I wasn’t aware he and Alex were friends, but I like both of them, so it’s nice to see.
“What kind of plans?” Bull persists, demanding my attention.
“Would a friend be asking me that?”
“Well, we’re new friends, so allowances have to be made.”
“That doesn’t make a bit of sense. But, if you must know, I have a parent teacher conference tomorrow.”
“Then meet me after it. Weavers? Come on. You haven’t lived if you don’t try one of their hotdogs.”
I should say no. I almost have the words out, then I hear myself say, “Okay, around two?”
“Perfect,” Bull says, and I don’t know whether to kick myself or him for the cocky look of victory he’s wearing.
AW
Her hair shines in the warm sun. When I look at her, it’s almost as if God is surrounding her with a halo. An angel. That’s what she is. Always so kind and giving to everyone. I left her a note today in her locker telling her how much I loved her laugh. I saw the smile and the careful way she folded the note back up. I wanted to approach her then, but I stopped myself. I can’t rush this. It has to be perfect. I must force myself to move slow and plan. I should be methodical. The last woman wasn’t pure enough. She wasn’t worthy. I have to make sure this time.
This time it must be perfect.
4
Bull
I watch as she walks towards me, and my heart slams in my chest like I am some damn teenage boy. Skye is beautiful. She’s curvy but athletic; her blue eyes sparkle, even from a distance, and that auburn hair adorns her head like a crown. I want to wrap my hands around it and feel it. Use it to hold onto her while she’s sucking my cock, or, hell, when I bend her over a table and fuck her hard. Her skin is pale porcelain, and I can’t help but imagine the pink hue it would turn after I spank her ass and the perfect outline of my hand that would be left behind. Jesus, I’m getting a hard-on in broad daylight standing outside of a fucking elementary school.
“Hi,” she says, and she looks almost shy. Her cheeks are even tinted pink. That’s not helping my poor dick at all. Now, I want to know how deep that color can run. Will her whole body flush with color? Fuck, are her nipples that same color?
“Hey, Doc. You look beautiful.” It’s not a lie, she’s wearing a green sweater and blue jeans that cling to her perfectly, with these brown boots that click when she walks and mold to her legs. I’ve never found boots sexy, but on her they are. The green sweater brings out the gold, red, and other hues in her hair, hugging her generous breasts in a way that makes me jealous of it.
“I thought we were going to meet at Weavers?”
“It’s just across the street. I saw you walk up about the time I got off my bike, figured I’d wait on you,” I tell her. It’s a lie. I was here early, because I wanted to see her with her son. Why? I do not know. I only know watching her with him, brought me pleasure. She’s exactly how I thought she would be with him. Matty is a lucky boy.
We walk across the street and grab one of the outdoor tables.
“How did the meeting go?” I ask, while we wait on service.
“Not bad. Matty’s been having some trouble with some bullies at school. Being the new kid isn’t the easiest thing in the world.”
“How long have you lived here?” I ask. I could have had Freak find all this information out for me, but I didn’t want to. I want to learn everything there is to know about Skye, but I just want her to be the one to give me the information.
“A little over six months. I wanted to do my residency here.”
“In Kentucky? What on earth for?” I ask. I can’t imagine a woman who invested the money and time it took for medical school to pick a small town in Kentucky to do her residency.
She laughs. The sound grabs a hold of my already hard dick, and I can feel him leak in my jeans. Jesus. I told her we’d be friends. What I didn’t make clear is I was going to move straight from friends to lovers, and move fucking fast. I spent three months getting my shit together. Each week that went by without seeing her, only made me want her more. I don’t know that I truly believed in instant love. Dragon said the moment he saw Nicole he knew, even when he tried to fight it. I thought he was just thinking with his dick. Now, I admit I might have been wrong. Since I met Skye, no other woman has even been in the same ballpark.
“I wanted Matty to live in a small town away from all the demands and crowds of a big city like New York. It was important to me. I’ve made so many mistakes that Matty has had to deal with, I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to give him a good place to grow up.”
“Mistakes? What kind?”
“Do friends really share that kind of information after only two lunch da…meetings?”
I grin, because I know she almost said date. Oh, if she only knew my real plan for her. I don’t want her to run away. I can’t let that happen.
“Tell you what Doc. How about we make up our own rules? I can pretty much guarantee, and you probably already know this, but your mistakes can’t be worse than mine. We can swap war stories, and show off our battle scars.”
“Battle scars?”
“We all have them, Doc. It’s an army saying though.”
She nods, but before she can talk the waitress comes in and takes our order. When I see her I almost panic. This might not have been such a great idea. I know that girl…Shit! I’ve had my dick in—well on her.
“Bull! I thought that was you! I haven’t seen you at the last couple of club parties. Where have you been hiding?” she asks, bending down to hug me, and nearly smothering me with her tits. I pull my head way back and angle away from her.
“
I’ve been busy.”
“What about tonight? I’m free if you’d like to meet up and have a little fun,” she says, clearly not taking the hint.
“Devil’s toenails,” Skye mutters.
I look at her with a snort of laughter.
“Devil’s toenails?” I ask, because I can’t stop myself.
“I try not to curse so Matty doesn’t pick up on it. You know how kids are.”
I don’t really, but something about that I really like.
“You have a kid?” The waitress says, and, for the life of me, I can’t remember her name. She was some dumb chick I titty-fucked one night. It wasn’t that great, but it got me off. That’s about all that mattered.
“Yeah, a nine-year-old,” Skye says. “Could I get a chicken salad and a bottle of water, please?”
“I don’t want kids, at least until I’m older. Probably your age. I’m not ready to let my breasts get all saggy and shit. Not that yours are that bad,” she says, and I want to bang my head on the table, because here’s another example to Skye of what an idiot I’ve been.
“I’m sure. But, then you won’t need to worry about that. You may need to replace your silicone in a few years though.”
“What? I’ll have you know these are real.”
“I’ll have a foot-long hot dog with fries and a beer,” I interject, even though Skye’s comeback has me laughing. “Oh, and make sure our order is handled by another server, or I’ll tell Bill.” The waitress shoots an evil look at both of us and stomps off.
“Who’s Bill?” Skye asks.
“The owner.”
“Ah. I see. Tell me, Bull. Am I to meet all of your play toys?”
“God, I hope not.”
“I’m starting to think this was a bad idea.”
“I warned you my mistakes would make yours pale in comparison.”
“It would appear all of yours are of the female variety,” she says. There’s a hint of something in her voice that I’m praying is jealousy.