Her eyes brighten, and she jumps off the bed and walks towards me. I hand her the juice and smile. “Thank you,” she murmurs.
“You’re welcome. So, you’re a reader, huh?”
She grins. “Yup. I love reading. I want to do something with books when I’m older.”
“You do? Like what?”
“I don’t know. Work at a publishing house, and do any job that’ll let me read books.”
I shake my head. “You are very mature for your age, you know that?”
“Yes,” she says simply.
“What about a writer?”
She snickers. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.”
“Have you tried writing? You never know, you might like it.”
“That’s a possibility.”
I shake my head and laugh.
“How long have you been dating my sister?”
I pause as I pop another fry in my mouth. She’s resting her hands on the table, waiting for an answer. I swallow and say, “Just over a month.”
“A month?” she gasps. “No wonder. It makes sense now.”
I grab some more fries, as I try to act casual. “What makes sense?”
“Why she’s been so happy.” Been being past tense. I don’t reply. She finishes her juice and sighs. “Thank you, Hamish.”
I smile. “You’re welcome.”
Tilly helps clean up, then takes the only sofa in the room that’s pulled up beside Maddy.
I should let her spend time with her, and I need to get my mom off my back anyway, so I decide to leave. “I’m going to head home for the night. Will you be okay?”
She nods, curling up with her book in her hand. I move around the bed and get the blanket out from the compartment I’ve been putting it in. I unfold it and spread it over her. She pulls it up to her neck and smiles at me. I kneel down so I’m in front of her. “You wouldn’t happen to have a phone by any chance would you?”
She rolls her eyes. “Of course I do.”
I laugh. “You’re, like, ten, give me a break.”
“I’m nine,” she corrects me then grins. “I’m actually the only one in my class with one. Maddy got it for me.”
I close my eyes and silently snicker. Maddy stole it for you. I shake my head and look up at her. “Can I give you my number so if she wakes, or if you need anything you can get a hold of me?”
She pulls it out of her pocket and hands it to me. I punch in my number and hand it back. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
She rolls her eyes again, and this time I don’t refrain myself from laughing.
“What?”
“You really are Maddy’s sister.” She seems to like that comment. Her eyes brighten and her smile widens.
“I still can’t believe she’s dating you. You’re so . . .”
I arch an eyebrow. “So what?”
“So . . .” She frowns, as she thinks, and to be honest I’m scared of her answer. This girl is straight up. “Caring.”
I let out a breath. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s just that Maddy doesn’t really like to be cared for.” She looks up at Maddy, then back to me. “She does the caring.”
Oh, I know.
I smile, then tap her book. “Doesn’t look like you have much more to go.”
“I’ll be finished by the time you get back.”
“I don’t doubt it.” I stand up and turn around to Maddy. I look at all the tubes going into her mouth, her arms, and listen to the prominent beep. I inhale deeply, and brush my hand along her arm until I reach her hand, and squeeze it.
I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I know if I do nothing it’s going to bug me. I park my car a few streets over, and jump out. There’s a couple people out walking but none of the gangsters that will be down her street. I pop the trunk and grab the grocery bags then start on foot towards her house.
I knock on the door and wait. The thought of leaving the bags on the doorstep crossed my mind but with the amount of people watching me walk here, my guess is they wouldn’t be there long. The door swings open to a young boy. He’s got scruffy hair, bright blue eyes and a huge smile. I drop down to one knee. “Hey, bud.”
“Hi.”
“I’m one of Maddy’s friends. I got some food for you.” Those bright blue eyes widen more. He glances at the bags I hold, then back at me. I hand them over to him. “Take them.”
He can’t carry them all so he places them inside the door before collecting the rest. “Thanks,” he says.
“You’re welcome. Hey, let’s just keep this a secret between me and you, okay?”
He nods then frowns. “Where’s Maddy? Is she still at the hospital?”
I don’t know why I didn’t expect him to know, Tilly knew after all, but I didn’t want him to worry. Maddy wouldn’t want him to.
I nod, “But she’s getting better.”
“She is? Can I see her?”
“Maybe not yet, buddy. Hey, it’s late, you better be getting back inside.”
He nods. “Okay, but can you tell Maddy I really need her to come home because I really miss her.”
If my heart could tear in two, I think now would be the moment. His eyes are so wide and filled with so much hope, and I hope that’s enough. God, I hope more than anything that’s enough.
I have to get out of here. I wave goodbye then whirl around. As I make my way down the broken pavement, I hear the crinkling sound of plastic bags behind me, and then an excited squeal. The sound makes my lips tug into a small, sad smile.
The front door slams shut behind me, and it doesn’t take long before I hear my mom’s heels on the floor. She’s running. I make my way towards the kitchen where she’s coming from. As soon as she sees me, she stops. I don’t think she knows how to react. Her eyes well up yet she brings her hands to her hips and stomps her foot.
“What?” I say.
“What! What?” She bristles.
I bring my hand up to my head and close my eyes. “I’m not in the mood for this, Mom.”
“You’re not in the mood?” She laughs. “Does it look like I care?”
To be honest, I’m surprised it’s worked her up so much. “I was over at Cam’s.”
“Yeah, yeah. That’s what Nick said, but I called Cam’s mother and you weren’t there.”
Shit.
I pace towards her and touch both her shoulders. “Mom, I need you to know when Nick says I’m okay. I’m okay.”
She stares at me a moment longer, then her head tilts forward, and I pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms around me.
“Okay,” she whispers, and as she pulls back, she wipes her eyes. “But from now on, I want to hear your voice. I need to hear it from you.”
I’ve never seen her this worried about me. Ever. It’s doing something to me. Affecting that guilt I feel for Sarah when I’m around her. And as I look at the tears in her eyes, it’s not so intense anymore. I nod, and murmur, “Okay.”
“You promise?”
“I promise, Mom.”
She hesitantly smiles, then wraps her arms around me again. I hold her close. “I love you, Hamish.”
She couldn’t understand how much those words mean to me right now. I kiss her head. “I love you too, Mom.”
I rest my arm on her shoulders and we walk into the kitchen. I see Nick in front of the stove cooking something. He looks up and as he catches my gaze, he smiles. “You hungry?”
“I already ate.”
My mom lets go of her hold on me and takes a seat at the dining table, taking a sip of her wine. I’m not thinking straight, and I just stand there.
Nick walks around the island, puts one hand at the nape of my neck and looks me dead in the eye. If anyone can break down those walls, it’s him. I have to do everything I can to hold it together. Not just for myself, but for my mom. She can’t see me like that. He pulls
me into him and smacks my back, then lets go and walks back to the stove.
I take a deep breath and sit down next to my mother. I know she’s about to pounce, so I beat her to the mark. “So, have you had a good week, Mom?”
And she doesn’t stop talking.
I’m practically falling asleep in the shower. When I get out, I throw on a pair of boxers then fall into my bed. I’m glad I haven’t been here in a week because the housekeepers haven’t changed my linen and I can still smell her. My chest tightens. I hold the blankets to me closer, and it doesn’t take me long to drift off to sleep.
I hear a thud, and I slowly crack my eye open. Nick bursts through the door. The sun is streaming through my windows. I’ve still got the blankets wrapped around me tightly, even though I’m sweating.
“It’s ten o’clock. What are you doing here? You should be at school.”
I groan and roll over.
“Hamish, get up.”
“I’m not going to school.”
The blankets are tugged from my grip, and I panic a bit as I try to pull them back. I sit up quickly, and he smiles. “That’s the boy. Now get changed.”
“I said—”
“I’ve already had your mom on my back all week, and that truancy teacher keeps calling the house. You’re going.”
I drag a hand down the side of my face. “Fine.”
“I’ll make breakfast.”
I don’t respond as he paces out of my room. I sit on the edge of my bed, thinking about Maddison. My phone vibrates, and I pick it up from my bedside table.
Twenty-two messages from Cam this week. Where the fuck r u???
I text back for the first time. Be at school in an hour.
Cam: WTF.
“Are you going to tell me where the hell you’ve been?” Cam holds my car door open as I get out. I lean back in and grab my bag, swinging it over my shoulder, I meet his gaze. “Huh?” he prompts.
I shut my door. “I didn’t know you cared so much.”
He pretends to laugh and then his lips purse, and he glares at me. “I thought you fuckin’ OD’d and you were in a ditch somewhere. Dead.”
I stiffen.
His face slackens. “What?”
I turn around and head for school, when his hand grabs my arm and he swings me around to face him.
“What the fuck is going on?”
I tense up, and feel sick to my stomach. I bring my hands up to my head then squeeze my eyes shut. The darkness leaves room for images I’ve been trying so hard not to see.
I feel his hands against my shoulders then he pulls me into him. I can’t pull away, I can’t do anything except try to loosen that tension inside me before I lose it. I really shouldn’t be here. I finally pull away.
“She’s in a coma,” I murmur. I shake my head again then look up. His eyes are wide, and I can read what’s flashing through his mind. “Yes, she OD’d.”
He runs a hand through his thick black hair. “Shit, bro. I’m sorry.”
He’s apologizing? I clench my jaw. He shouldn’t be apologizing. There’s only one person responsible for that, and that’s me.
“What’s up, boys? Kingsley, haven’t seen you for a while where you been?” Toby paces towards us. I lock my car then head for school.
“Away,” Cam says bluntly.
“Right. Well, Coach, and not to mention everyone else on the team, is pissed at you.”
Cam clears his throat then steers the conversation away from me. “So, the cops finished up at your house?”
“Yeah, finally. Investigators have been there all week. Apparently, the cops found what they were looking for, so they ended the investigation.”
I skip a step, and almost face-plant. What did that mean? They can’t have found what they were looking for because no one has come to arrest me for giving her the drugs. My heart races.
“Whoa, bro. You been busy this morning without us?”
I glare at him. After everything, using should be the last thing on his fucking mind.
Coming to school was the worst idea ever. I couldn’t concentrate. At all. Even when I got called into Coach’s office, I wasn’t at all fazed when he kicked me off the team. I didn’t have time for that, and my lack of commitment was just letting everyone down, so whether I was going to quit or get kicked off, it had to happen.
As soon as the last bell of the day rings, I barge through the corridors and out to my car, before Cam or Toby or anyone else can get to me. I’m not leaving her side again.
I rev the engine. Beethoven fills the car, but it’s not doing its job to calm me down. I flick through the system and play Muse, and as I peel out of the lot, I think of her smile.
I hand Tilly the takeout containers and take a place beside Maddy.
“You should try talking to her, that’s what the nurse said.”
I glance at her over my shoulder. “Talking to her? What do I say?”
She shrugs as she sips her juice. “I don’t know. Anything to get her attention.”
I look back at her and smile. Being smart usually gets her attention. My eyes trail over the tubes and my heart sinks all over again. I pull myself up onto the bed beside her and gently lay my arm across her stomach. I rest my head on the pillow beside her. Her face is so calm, so still, so peaceful. From the moment I met her there was something about her that stole my heart, and day by day the feelings have only intensified. The one thing I regret the most is how I didn’t tell her how I feel. I lean in to her ear and whisper. “There’s so many things I want to say to you.” I find her hand and hold it. “But I want you to know that I love you.” I lean forward and press my lips to her cheek. “I love you so much, Maddy.”
“Hamish, Tilly,” Dr. Grinava says. I jump up from the bed then freeze when I realize I’m still lying next to her. My right arm is completely dead. I gently hop off the bed, rocking her slightly. Tilly’s up and holding her hand as Dr. Grinava moves towards us.
“How’s she doing?” he asks.
“She’s still the same,” Tilly says.
Dr. Grinava checks her vitals. I haven’t seen him for a few days and his appearance startles me. “Is she okay?”
He looks up from his clipboard, then towards Tilly. “We’ve run several tests and everything has come back normal, but we won’t know completely until she wakes up.”
“Why won’t she wake up?”
The heaviness returns to his face. He places his clipboard down, and releases a deep breath. He glances at both of us, and speaks in a low soft voice. “Most of these cases have a fifty-fifty outcome. It all depends on the incident, and how strong her body is to come back from it. I’m sorry to tell you, but I don’t have the answer to that question. All we can do is wait.”
I look back to Maddy and swallow the nausea creeping up my throat. 50/50. A nurse enters, followed by another doctor. “You two need to step outside for a while.”
My heart races. “Why?”
“Because we are going to remove her ventilator now.”
I look from Maddy back to him. “So she is able to breath on her own?”
“We hope so.” Hope. I attempt to slow my heart but fail.
“Can’t we stay?”
He glances at Tilly then back to me. “We need to clear the room before we carry out a procedure. It’s hospital policy. I’m sorry. We’ll let you in as soon as we’re done. It shouldn’t take too long.” I look down to Tilly who is staring at him with wide eyes. I take a deep breath then nod. I hold Tilly’s hand but before I leave, I lean over the bed and kiss Maddy on the forehead.
I pace the hallway for what feels like hours when they said they’d only be minutes. I don’t want to say anything and worry Tilly, but I can’t help the panic taking over me. I breathe in and out, and every time I hear something, my head snaps back to the doors of her room, but every time I’m disappointed when her door remains shut. The occasional nurse walks the hallway, followed by what looks like family members of other patients. I slide down t
he wall to sit next to Tilly. Her shoulders are hunched and she’s staring into the palms of her hands resting on her legs. I know what it’s like to be young and feel like there’s no one there for you, that the world is doing everything it can to hurt you.
As I look at Tilly and the tears she’s managing to hold back, I see myself in her. I don’t think I would have survived without Nick. I can’t even think about the possibility of Maddy not waking up. I won’t. I lift my arm over Tilly’s shoulder and pull her into my lap. She doesn’t protest, and her tense body relaxes as she curls onto my lap.
I wake to the sound of footsteps, lots of them. When my eyes adjust and I come back to awareness, my breath gets stuck in my throat. Two nurses and a doctor are running towards us. Tilly wipes her eyes, and as she sees what’s going on, she springs to her feet, and I’m right behind her. The doctor is speaking quickly, and the two nurses at his side nod in response. Their faces are flat, pale and . . . serious.
“What’s going on?” I ask as soon as they reach us. The doctor barges into the room, followed by one nurse, and the other one stops and faces us.
“I would advise you to go wait in the waiting room.” She enters the room and shuts the door behind her.
What the fuck is going on? My heart pounds, and I come back to reality when those tears of Tilly’s finally burst. I try shoving the door but it’s locked. I smack it with my fist but no one opens it. I inhale a sharp breath, run my hand through my hair. I press the palms of my hands to my eyes. No. This can’t be happening. I need to get in there. I start pacing the hallway to find a nurse but I’m stopped when I feel Tilly’s small hand grab my arm. I swing around to face her. She’s a mess. I have to keep reminding myself she’s only nine. She’s only a child. If this is hard for me, this must be killing her. I force myself to act calm. I step in towards her, put my hands under her arms and lift her up. She rests her head into my neck and I can already feel the tears touching my skin. I rub her back with one hand while holding her with the other and walk out to the waiting room.
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