I feel all eyes on me as I make my way to the front of the room, and I wonder if one of those burning gazes is Kingsley, but I don’t dare look. I take it from her hand, keep my gaze fixed to the floor and make my way back to my seat. I open up the crinkled paper and read the note. It’s from Mr. Barner, and he wants me to see him in his class during lunch. My heart races. I scrunch the note back up, and turn my focus back to my books, not paying the least attention.
I grip the door handle to the music room, feeling every emotion I’ve ever felt come crashing down over my head. I pull in a deep breath and turn the handle with my trembling hand.
“Maddison,” Mr. Barner cries, and a smile so wide spreads across his face. He jumps from his chair and rushes towards me, squeezing me into his chest. “How are you feeling?”
I’m glad he doesn’t judge, but I’m still embarrassed. He pulls back, holding both my shoulders. “I came to see you in the hospital. I was so worried.” He pulls me back into his chest again, and his embrace is so warm. I stay in the comfort of his arms, letting him hug me. “Why didn’t you come see me when you got out? I only just heard you were back at school, and you’ve been back nearly two weeks. What’s going on?” He pulls out a seat and gestures for me to sit, as he does in the seat opposite me.
“I just . . . I just, I couldn’t.”
He holds my hand. “I understand. But Maddy, you cannot give up. You have to fight.”
I nod and tears stream down my face, streaking across my cheeks, but I don’t bother to wipe them away. Mr. Barner isn’t disappointed in me, and that’s all that matters.
“And Maddy?”
I look up and he’s smiling.
“I want you to fight at your audition to Juilliard in one week.”
Kingsley
My head is so close to my book I’m about to fall onto it when a hand jerks in front of my face. I get such a fright, I jolt in my seat. Mr. Luper is staring daggers at me like he has been every Bio lesson for the past few weeks. He throws a note on my desk, and I pick it up. It’s from Mr. Barner and he wants me to meet him now. I look up to Mr. Luper. He frowns but nods. I quickly gather my books, grab my bag and head out of class. I wonder what Mr. Barner could want. The hallways are empty, and it only takes me a few minutes to reach his classroom. I look through the window and see there are no students.
I push open the music room door. “You wanted to see me?”
Mr. Barner smiles. “Hamish.” He clears his throat. “Take a seat.”
I glance at the back corner of the room where she would sit, and I feel that guilt all over again. I know the feeling is never going to go away because it hasn’t with Sarah. I sit across from him, and he folds his hands. “I know you’ve been having a hard time. I just wanted to check up on you.”
“I’m fine,” I say quickly. His eyebrows pull together, and I know he sees right through it.
“I have some news. One person who got through to Juilliard has pulled out, so there is an opening spot. They contacted me a few days ago, and have offered to give Maddison one more chance.”
My heart stops beating, and I just stare at him. “The audition is on Tuesday at eleven. I want you to perform.”
I stammer, “She . . . she has another audition?”
“Yes. This is her last chance, and I would really like you to help her through this.”
I shake my head. “She doesn’t want me—”
“I don’t care what she says she wants. She needs you.”
The bell rings, and students start entering. “It’s at the Civic Center. Eleven A.M. sharp.”
I get to my feet while the world around me spins. I knock a few shoulders as I stumble out of the classroom. I lean against a locker, letting my head fall back. This is it. The last bit of hope she has left.
Maddison
I’ve never practiced as hard as I have this past week. If I’m going to perform, I need to be the best that I can, and having been out a few weeks with an injured hand, I need all the practice I can get. I stretch my fingers, doing the exercises the doctor gave me. I lean against my cello, then look up to the piano at the other side of the room and feel that hollow void in my chest.
I grip the neck of my cello, raise my bow and rest it against the strings. I focus on that seat, his seat. The smooth wire brushes against my fingers and I press hard, bringing the bow down, and play like I never have before.
This is supposed to be the only time and place I can feel content, this is supposed to be my escape from the world, but I can’t seem to rid that deep, painful feeling of the memory of him. I hate myself for it.
I’m placed in another one of those situations. A test, but a test I’m afraid of failing. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to persevere. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to push past all this anxiety, grief, and pain. I don’t know if I can crawl out from the heavy blanket suffocating me.
Maybe this was what it was like for my parents. They couldn’t pass the test. I wondered if I’ll ever be able to.
Kingsley
I lean against the locker beside the music room, listening to her play. It’s heart-wrenching, yet invigorating at the same time. I take a deep breath, ignoring the shouts and screams invading the hallway and focus on that sound—the sound that hypnotized me the first time I heard it. The sound that continues to wreak havoc against all my emotions. I know Mr. Barner wants me to help her, but I also know she doesn’t want me to. And as I listen to each strum, I know she’s going to be okay, and I have to let her be. She doesn’t need me, and maybe one day I’ll get to the point where I don’t need her. Maybe I really do have to let her go.
Maddison
It’s been two days since that letter arrived. Two days of an unspoken fear of what is to come. She hasn’t brought it up, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to either. But today was her meeting and I need to be there for her. I need her to know I will always be. I drop my bag on the floor and sit on the sofa next to Tilly.
“So, how was it?” I ask. She places her book down in between us and plays with the hem of her shirt.
My heart drops.
Oh, no. I didn’t realize how much I actually wanted this to work out for her. My mind races, trying to think of what I can do to make it right when her head lifts and my heart rate dissipates with the expression spread across her face.
She’s smiling. “It was good.” There’s no tears in her eyes, in fact, I think this is the brightest I’ve ever seen them.
I lean forward and whisper, “Good?”
She nods. “They were really nice. They . . . they will look after me.”
My chest tightens. I’m both relieved and frustratingly disappointed. She’s finally going to get the family I always wanted. The family she and all the other kids deserve but I didn’t think it would be halfway across the world. I feel like I’m losing another part of me, and I can’t deny how much it hurts. I release a shaky breath, grab her wrist and pull her into my lap. “I’m so happy for you, Till. This is amazing.”
She’s smiling, and I rub the side of her arm. “Till, look at me.” She tilts her head back. “You deserve this.” Her smile breaks free a tear but it’s a happy tear, and I share it with her. “No matter where you go, we will always be sisters.”
She nods and starts sniffling. It breaks my heart so much more, but all I do is hold her tight. A moment later, Jack comes running into the lounge and jumps on the sofa.
“Where have you been?” I ask.
“Angela took us to the park.” He grins.
I glance at Tilly and her eyebrows are raised. Obviously, she’s thinking the same thing I am.
“Maddyyy!” Phoebe squeals. Tilly scoots out from my lap just as Phoebe lunges forward.
I scoop her up into my arms. “Hi Pugs, did you have fun at the park?” She starts babbling in baby language, and I give her my full attention, and when she stops speaking she wraps her arms around my neck, and I laugh.
Kingsley
I wrap my
hands around her as she leans in towards me. “I can’t believe it’s been eleven years,” Mom whispers. I hold her tight, staring at Sarah’s small grave.
“Me either,” I murmur.
Nick places a bunch of flowers on her grave, then steps towards me, and we stand there in silence, remembering her.
“I want to see her, Mama. I want to see her!”
“Come here. Sit on this seat, and hold your arms out.”
I jump on the rocking chair beside her crib and open my arms. My cheeks are hurting so much because I haven’t stopped smiling since Nick told me Mommy had my little sister this morning.
Mommy kneels down, and I see her get closer. My heart is racing, and when I see her face, it slows down so much it could melt. Mommy lets me hold her, and I can’t take my eyes off her. Her face is so small, everything is so small, and her eyes are the brightest shade of blue. She smiles up at me, and I gasp. Mommy laughs.
“She says she loves her big brother.”
I want to hold onto her forever, protect her forever. “I’m going to be the best big brother. I love you so much.” I kiss her forehead.
“I know you will be,” Mommy says as she takes her from my grasp. “She should be going to sleep now, how about you play the piano for her? She’s always liked listening to you play.”
I jump off the chair and run down the hall with Mommy laughing behind me. I pull myself up and sit at the piano. Mommy comes in and sits beside me. I look at them both, then turn back to the piano and play.
Nick retrieves a bottle of wine from the cellar then joins us in the kitchen. Mom sits beside me at the counter, watching Nick fill her glass. She’s quiet, and the calm expression across her face says she’s lost in thought, but a good thought.
“To Sarah,” Nick says, raising his glass into the air. We all look at each other, taking it in. For the first time since her death, my mom looks at me with no pain in her eyes, and I feel like, maybe . . . maybe I can move past this.
“Hamish,” my mom says in an unnerving tone as she places her glass down. My heart drops. “I need to apologize.” She blows out a breath. I step forward and grab her by the arms but she tugs back. I don’t like seeing her like this. I never have. I want to hold her, comfort her. “Just let me speak, please.”
I swallow back the lump in my throat and glance at Nick who’s watching my mom with wide, appreciative eyes. “I wanted to be there for you. I really did.” Her chest rises, and she takes another breath. “But every time I looked at you, I saw her. Your features were so similar, and as you grew up, all I could see is what Sarah would have looked like. It hurt. It hurt so much, I thought I couldn’t handle it.” I’m sucking on my lip and trying my hardest to stop the relentless pumping in my chest. “But when I was finally able to see past that, it was too late. Not only did I drive myself towards drugs and alcohol but I drove you there, too. No words can express how truly sorry I am.” Her chin trembles, and I can see the tears are about to burst again, and I can’t handle it.
My heart swells at her words, and the rhythm in my chest slowly decelerates as a blanket of relief and serenity washes over me. Maybe I really can move past this. And with the forgiveness of my mom, I will. “I love you so much, Hamish. I always have and I always will.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around me and I hold onto her so tight. When she pulls back, she places both hands on my cheeks, stands on the tips of her toes and plants a kiss on my cheek. She steps away from me, and turns around. “Thank you, Nick. Thank you for being there for my boy. I don’t know what I would have done without you. But I’m so lucky that you joined our family, and Hamish is so lucky to have you. I love you, too, Nick, and you’ll never know how grateful I am for you.”
Maddison
I stop at the gate to the cemetery, and take a few deep breaths. I have to be strong for her. She would want that. I straighten my posture, and stride towards her, being careful not to stand on graves. I hadn’t been to a cemetery before her funeral, and now I know why people avoid them. There’s a hollow, sorrow feeling in the air. A feeling that adds bumps to my arms.
As I walk through the graves, I’m able to take in my surroundings. I think it’s a nice cemetery, but I wouldn’t really know. It’s huge, and when I think about that, it only adds more bumps to my arms. There’s a lot of dead people here. I wonder what Cynth would think. She’d probably be just as creeped out. A small laugh bubbles out of my mouth as I think of her. She’d have a lot to say about this place, in fact.
The grounds are kept neat and tidy, though. I make it to her grave like I’ve been here several times before. The mound of dirt above her is still so high, and the flowers spread across it are just as fresh. I kneel down beside her cross and run my fingers over her name.
“Hey, Cynth.” I force a smile. I picture her cheeky smirk, her snarky attitude, her warmth, and the grief comes to haunt me again. “I miss you,” I mumble. I fall back onto the mound of dirt, and the words explode out of me. I need a friend, and right now, she’s all I have, she’s all I’ve ever had.
“I should have told you about him, if I did then maybe none of this would have happened. I’m so sorry, Cynth. I should have been there for you. I should have done so many things. I regret so much.” I pick up a flower beside me and look at the wilting petals. “Do you even like flowers?” I laugh and I can almost hear her response. That’s a no. I stay beside her for the next hour, telling her everything. Like usual, she listens and understands, and it makes me miss her that much more.
I stand, trying to brush the dirt from my pants, but bits of clay grip and spread over my jeans. I stand there for a moment, just staring. I still can’t believe it’s true, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. I rub her cross.
“I’ll be back soon, Cynth. I love you.” I can feel the heavy tears brewing but I hold them back. I turn and make my way back through the graves when I stop at a small grave that’s covered in flowers. You can’t even see the cement, only the tombstone. I kneel down and when I read the name my heart stops. Sarah Kingsley. The tears that I managed to withhold are now slipping down my cheeks. I stay there for a while, unsure of what to do, and then I lean forward and say, “I’m sorry.”
Kingsley
I head up the stairs and stop in front of my music room. I clutch at the doorknob, and memories of Sarah and Maddy invade me. The two most important people in my life that are no longer here. I briefly close my eyes, then shove it open.
The evening light streams through the floor-to-ceiling windows, creating a golden glow across the room. I can see the flecks of dust in the air. It’s so still, so peaceful, and so full of hope. I make my way towards my piano and sit down. My fingers run across the polished black hood and over the keys, picking up the dust. Each note sends a vibration from the tips of my fingers all the way down to my toes, and I embrace the feeling.
I see the ghosts of their smiles and I start to play.
When I open my eyes, I get such a fright. I jump, and press my hands to the keys.
“Mom,” I say, startled.
Her hand brushes over mine and the warmth sends a flurry of emotions up my arm. I glance down at her embrace and take a breath.
“I haven’t heard you play for years.”
I keep my head lowered.
“And I don’t want you to stop, Hamish.”
I look up and she’s smiling at me. “That was beautiful. Please don’t stop.”
I don’t know what to say, and for a moment I’m speechless, unmoving. My mother places her hand on my shoulder, giving me an encouraging squeeze. I clench and unclench my hands, and a warmth settles in my heart. I place my fingers on the keys, and play.
Maddison
I kneel down, and they all engulf me.
“Good luck, Maddy, you’re going to kill it!” Jack grins. I squeeze him tighter. The little girls squeal. They have no idea what’s going on, but I embrace their hugs, feeling their love radiate into me.
I’m doing this for us.
I look up, and Tilly is standing back with her arms crossed, her foot is pushing a toy around in circles. I stand up, letting the kids scramble over one another and I make my way towards her. I kneel down and bring my hand up to lift her chin. She looks like she’s trying to stop herself from crying. I intertwine her hand with mine.
“No matter what happens, I’m always going to be here for you. I’m your big sister.” I pull her towards me. “I love you, Till.”
“I love you, too.” She smiles. “I’m proud of you, Maddy.”
Oh, God. My chest tightens.
I glance at Angela leaning against the kitchen table, our eyes meet, and for the first time, I feel okay with leaving them. She smiles at me, and I know they’re going to be okay.
Kingsley
I push my feet into the sand and pick up a shell. I study the rainbow of colors. Her audition’s in a few hours and I don’t know what to do. As I look up, the memory of her fooling around in the water, of me holding her close, plays in front of my eyes. I hear the sound of her voice. Her laugh. Her songs. The songs that I stole.
I can’t take it any longer. The guilt. The pain. The shame. But what I can’t take most is the thing that is going to kill me. The loss.
My head falls and I glance at the Harry Potter book sitting beside me. I drop the shell and pick it up. Even though the color is faded, the pages are rough around the edges and the binding is going, this is the best gift I’ve ever been given.
I open the book to where it’s marked and see a passage highlighted.
Stolen Songs Page 25