He rolled her onto her back and pinned her down with his body. “What is so bad about your life? You’ve got a great house. I live in an old apartment. You’ve got tenure, and your students love you. You’re gorgeous, and you know what you want in bed. Not everyone knows themselves as well as you do.”
Tears formed in her eyes as she shook her head. “My childhood was a mess, and I’m not going into it. Playing sexually is one thing, but you need to find someone young and baggage-free.”
There was pain in her, and he held her tight. “No one is free of baggage.”
Her arms wrapped around his neck as she kissed him. Nuzzling along her cheek, he nipped at her ear. “You’re having breakfast, lunch and dinner with me tomorrow. You’re going to talk to me like a friend. If you don’t want me as a Dom, what’s wrong with as a friend?”
“I didn’t say I don’t want you,” she said.
“Good. I’m not leaving you tonight.” He kissed her neck. “Now, let’s get some sleep.”
She nodded. He tugged the covers over them and spooned her. After a few minutes, she relaxed. Jane had tons of reasons why this wouldn’t work. The problem for Ben was that, deep down, he wanted it to.
Chapter Five
Sitting in her office, Jane tried to focus on her Italian and not the sting in her rear or the memories of Ben. It’d only been two days, and she was crazy about Ben. The morning had been low key. Coffee and cereal while they both woke up because he wasn’t a morning person either. Just having him there made it a better morning.
When it was time for lunch, at least, he hadn’t made too much of a fuss. He just sat with her and talked. There’d been studying, except for her staring at him. He didn’t seem to care at all that other staff noticed they were eating together. Bridget Stanger had even caught Jane’s eye and gave her a little smile. Ever since Bridget had nabbed that History professor, she’d been more socially outgoing than ever. And Bridget was no wallflower! She’d encouraged Jane not to wait around, or all the good ones would be taken.
Of course, Bridget didn’t have to deal with the age difference or other issues Jane faced when it came to Ben. Mentally scolding herself, she stopped the train of thought. Ben wasn’t her boyfriend. It was tutoring and kink play not actual dating. The vacation was real, and she forced herself to study.
As she took in the Italian, she wondered if the BDSM fet group had men her own age, who didn’t work here? That’d be easier to try and, if it didn’t work out, less embarrassing to face. When Bridget had started up with that History professor, Jane had kept her mouth shut but worried for her. If they broke up badly, the tension could make it hard for everyone. A small college with a close staff, who could be snowed in a good part of the school term, meant getting along mattered. No one wanted to take sides.
Someone knocked at her door, and Jane momentarily hoped it was Ben before she clamped down on the needy little girl inside of her.
“Come in,” she responded.
Bridget Sanger opened the door and smiled. “Hi, busy?”
“A little. What do you need?” Jane asked.
Bridget entered fully and took a seat. “Just wondered what was up with you and that hunky grad student at lunch.”
“Nothing.” Jane smiled.
“Come on. He was staring at you. Don’t tell me ‘nothing’.” Bridget folded her arms.
Jane saw the glint of diamond on Bridget’s finger. Surprise and a bit of jealousy stabbed Jane in the gut. “Did you get engaged?”
“Oh? That? Yes. We’re not making a big deal about it.” Bridget tucked her hand under her big fuzzy sweater.
“Why not? I mean it is fast.” Jane rounded her desk and pulled on Bridget’s hand until she gave in. The ring wasn’t huge, but a nice round diamond sat on a platinum band bookended by smaller emeralds. “It’s beautiful.”
“Thanks. We’ve known each other forever, which counts for something even if we haven’t been dating too long. You just know when it’s the right guy. We’re not doing the wedding until next summer. Plenty of time to plan and save up.” Bridget shrugged.
“You could fly somewhere exotic and have a private wedding.” Jane had always wanted hers to be intimate and special.
“I wish. No, my family has insisted on a big traditional affair. Massive cake, a DJ, and all of it. It’ll be torture,” she said with a grin.
“I’m thrilled for you. He’s a great guy. You’ve really brought him out of his shell.” Jane had barely heard the man speak before Bridget had gotten a hold of him.
“Scholars can be a quirky bunch. Some are shy; some obsess about their work. And some are young.” There was a twinkled in Bridget’s eye. “Don’t think we’re done about Ben.”
Jane went with the safe story. Technically, it was the truth. “There’s a little tutoring going on.”
“What sort of tutoring are you giving that young hottie?”
“You’re engaged. You want your future husband hearing you talk like that?” Jane looked at her partially open door.
Bridget pursed her lips as if she gave it some thought then shrugged. “I’d take the punishment if he did. Besides, I’m trying to help you. It’s not for me. I’m very happy with the man I’ve got.”
Bridget’s casual use of the word punishment stuck in Jane’s mind. They’d worked in the same department for years. Bridget was outgoing and downright bossy at times, but could it be that Bridget was into the Dom/sub thing?
Jane shook off her crazy ideas. “Your charity is appreciated, but he’s tutoring me in Italian and Greek. I’m finally taking a real vacation away this summer.”
“Good for you!” Bridget nodded, but it lacked some genuine enthusiasm.
“I’ve always wanted to go there. He’s just helping me with some basic phrases so I’m not looking at my phone app all the time.” Jane shrugged.
“I’m glad you’re going. That doesn’t mean you can’t snag a hot young man out of the deal, too.” Bridget gave Jane a sly smile.
“He’s too young.”
“Twenty-seven, I checked. That’s well over the age of consent and drinking. He can even rent a car,” she said.
Jane’s face burned, and she almost laughed. “Stop it. He’s almost a decade younger than me. He’ll have his doctorate soon, and he’s got a job lined up here, but people will talk. You already are.”
“Who cares what people say?” Bridget rolled her eyes. “You guys teased me about my stuffy History professor with no social skills. Just think how much easier it’ll be to mold a younger guy.”
Jane dropped her Smartphone on the desk harder than she intended to. “I don’t want to mold anyone. He’ll find a young woman who fits him perfectly. I just want to go on my vacation.”
“Sorry. I was only offering some friendly support. He’s a nice guy. He’s hot. There’s nothing wrong with it.” Bridget waited a few minutes.
Jane couldn’t think of how to explain or counter Bridget’s very rational arguments. She and the others had teased Bridget a bit and talked about her guy. “You’re so much stronger than I am. I don’t think I could take people thinking of me robbing the cradle.”
“Jane, he’s old enough to have a family and settle down. Don’t twist this into something creepy in your head. You’re not a high school teacher. He’s not a student anymore. Not really.”
“I know that on one level. But he’ll find someone younger eventually, even if we went anywhere beyond the bedroom. You got the happy ending, and you can flaunt that ring as proof. If the relationship had failed…” Jane couldn’t finish her sentence.
“If my relationship had failed, we’d already agreed to be civil and not act like children. We’ve still got that deal. It’s not Victorian England. Divorce happens, and people break up. You have to talk about it all, so you don’t hate each other if something goes wrong. Maybe, there’s too much staring and not enough talking between you and the PhD candidate?” Bridget stood and headed for the door.
“I’m sorry, Brid
get. I know your marriage will last forever. You two are perfect together. It’s always easier to see things from the outside.” Jane smiled.
Bridget nodded. “That’s why I stopped by. The way he stared at you at lunch said a lot. You might not see it, but I’m not imagining things.”
“Thanks,” Jane replied shakily.
Bridget left, and Jane tried to catch her breath. Sure, Bridget was engaged and in that romance zone. She was also an English Lit professor full of romantic novels. Still, she wasn’t one to build up hopes for nothing. The woman wasn’t mean.
Jane jumped in her chair when someone knocked on her door.
“Come in,” she said.
Ben stood in the doorway and smiled at her. Staring at him, she took in his tall and confident form. How could she notice him looking at her when she had to control herself from drooling all over him?
“What do you need? I’m studying.” She held up her notes to prove it.
“Good. I want to take you out to dinner. You’ve gone out of your way cooking, and the tutoring isn’t really much work for me.” His smile was like sunshine, but he was practically in the hallway.
She motioned for him to come inside.
“Why?” he asked.
“I’d love to hear about your thesis defense,” she said loudly. Getting up, she pulled him inside and closed the door behind him. “What if someone hears you? They’ll think we’re making a date.”
“So? I mentioned the tutoring.” He shrugged.
“I don’t go after younger men. I don’t want this to make me look like some desperate old cougar clawing at any man she can. It’s a small university, and I don’t want to change jobs.” She sat back down.
“Neither do I. The difference is my kink is the only thing I need to keep private. That’s none of their business, and it could hurt our careers. Dating someone, whether it works out or not, is part of life. I didn’t realize I embarrassed you.”
He was taking it all wrong. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Stop,” he said. “Forget dinner. I won’t bother you in public here, at lunch or off-campus again except for the tutoring. We’ll stick to the deal.”
Before she could form an intelligent sentence, he left and closed the door hard behind him. She might be older, but she’d just royally screwed up things. Ignoring the impulse to chase after him, she knew they both needed to cool off and think. Tonight was soon enough to talk, if he came at all.
* * * *
Seething, Ben sat in Nelson’s office and ignored the glass of water the Master of IT had poured him.
“The good ones are work. You know that,” Nelson said.
“She just wants the kink and the tutoring. She doesn’t want to be seen in public with me.” Ben wanted to punch something but got up and paced the room instead.
“That’s not true. She’s not the type, and her blog said clearly she wants a relationship not just playtime.”
“Not from me. She says I’m too young and I’ll find someone else.” The walking helped burn energy, but it didn’t change his feelings.
“What do you want?” Nelson asked.
Ben stopped and glared. “I didn’t need this. Not now. I’ve got to defend my thesis tomorrow, and I’m in love with a woman who acts like I’m a joke.”
“I heard you two ate lunch together. Nothing funny about that.” Nelson stayed behind his desk. “Love, huh?”
“So people are talking about us? Is that what has her all riled up?” Ben hated how trying to get information from her was like pulling teeth. “I’ve never met a woman who doesn’t want to talk. She’s as difficult as reading Egyptian hieroglyphs before they found the Rosetta Stone. I’m just guessing what she’s thinking and feeling unless she’s naked. Even in play she holds back personal information.”
“Most women are hard to read. Not wanting to talk is another matter.” Nelson sighed. “Look, I reviewed all of her posts under this anonymous user name. There’s nothing that pops out as weird. I’ve never seen her really dating anyone. There’s no evidence she’s had a Dom, at least, not one connected with the group. Either, she keeps her stuff top secret or you’ve gotten through her armor. Sounds like she’s rusty.”
“I know she has trust issues. Not with me playing as much as when I ask her something about herself. She’s never had a real vacation before. She never talks about her family.”
“Sounds like she had it rough. Be patient with her and get her addicted to you as a Dom. The more trust you build there, the more she’ll open up about what you need to know. You’re rushing things awfully fast.” Nelson sat up straight and tapped on one of his keyboards. “It is weird that she trusted you so easily with the play.”
“I know. That’s why it’s so odd that she won’t even talk about her parents or anything. I’m trying to slow down and balance the relationship, and she won’t have it.” Ben had never felt rejected and special at the same time. It was a bizarre challenge, but that pretty much defined Jane from top to bottom.
“She’s always worked the summer sessions since she’s been here. I’ve never known her to go home to visit family at holidays or anything. I think she mentioned a cousin in Seattle maybe.” Nelson shrugged. “She may not have much to tell that’s good and easy. No one wants to start off with the bad stories.”
Ben needed to know who’d broken her trust. It didn’t seem as if a bad Dom had done it. “She doesn’t seem inexperienced as a sub. She’s played with someone at some point. Jane knows what she wants and likes.”
“You’re the Dom. Nudging her to open up and trust you isn’t out of line. You’re not pushing too hard when you’re playing, are you?” Nelson asked.
“No, I’ve tried to casually chat during dinner or whatever. And then I tried after the play, but she shuts down both ways.” Ben was all for getting advice from the experienced Dom. Still, Jane was his puzzle and his treasure to discover.
“Then dial it back to basics. Give her what she needs. Push her a bit in the play to show she can trust you and she’ll be rewarded. If that’s where she comfortable, that’s where you meet her.” Nelson leaned back in his chair. “Some women take more time.”
Ben shook his head. “I’m in love with her. It’s so fast it’s insane. What if she walks away?” Ben realized it’d happened fast, but he was sure.
“That’s why you get her addicted to the play. You make yourself part of her life and show her your feelings when it’s right. She’ll eventually crack and tell you who hurt her and why she’s afraid. First, she has to believe you won’t walk away when she does.”
“It’s like a relationship at warp speed.”
“So slow it down if you have to. Let her catch up.” Nelson smiled.
“Thanks.” Ben felt as if he could calmly face the world again.
“Any time,” Nelson called as Ben left.
Chapter Six
Packing up for the day, Jane was ready to zone out and play. She hoped Ben was coming by for their normal tutoring, dinner and kink. Of course, she couldn’t blame him if he was done with her. She wanted to be honest, but it was too soon to dump all her past crud out there.
When she opened the door to leave, she found Nelson Cannon standing there. “Got a second?” he asked.
“I guess,” she said.
Letting him into her office, she had her guard up. It’d been a very odd day of people wanting to talk. Nelson was the one who’d cracked or hacked her post and found out it was her.
“I know Ben is younger than you and no one is perfect, but don’t give up on him.” Nelson shrugged. “He really likes you.”
“Did he ask you to come and talk to me? Because that’s a little high school.” She folded her arms snuggly.
“No and he’d kill me if he knew I was here.”
“I should kill you for hacking my email or blog or whatever you did and setting this whole insanity in motion.”
He knew what she liked and did. On one level, it was embarrassing, and on anoth
er, it was liberating.
“I was trying to help. When I see names that are local, but the people don’t show up for fet group stuff…how can you possibly find someone if you never show your face? The internet is fine, but you have to meet people in person to find chemistry and passion.” He seemed so serious it was almost touching.
“I’m a chicken. Fine. I don’t like putting myself out there in a small town that revolves around the college where I work. Is your sub on campus? A little coed who crawls for you?”
Nelson grinned. “No, I don’t date undergrads, either. Ben is a couple weeks away from being just like us. A professor in a small college town trying to have a life. If you two clicked, I wouldn’t be so quick to walk away because of a little age difference or family disparity.”
Her guard went up double, and her face tensed. “What do you know about my family?”
“Nothing. We’ve all got stuff. I don’t have a sub. I’m still looking. Don’t think I’m not jealous of Ben for finding someone he’s crazy about. I’m out there at every event trying. I took over the blog from the original poster to help people meet, and yes, if I find something for me, I’d be thrilled. Some don’t appreciate it and sometimes it doesn’t work out, but don’t set yourself up to fail because you’re afraid to win.”
“Men. You think it’s so easy. Doms stick together, but I don’t know people in the lifestyle here. I can’t talk about this to you. I’m sorry.” She backed up.
“It’s okay. I know we’re not exactly best friends. Bridget is a good person to talk to. She gets it.” Nelson went for the door. “Don’t tell Ben I came by. I’m really hoping for the best for you two.”
She nodded. “Bridget? Really?”
“Who do you think started the blog? Just keep it to yourself or she will kill me.” Nelson left with a smile.
Jane sat for a second. All her life, she’d never had anything permanent. No one had stuck around, or she’d had to move on. Even men who enjoyed the same play she did never seemed to want what she did, when she did. They were always going off, wanting something else. Looking for the right one with the right kink had frustrated her so much in college that she’d given up. It was easier to not trust and not get attached. Though she didn’t want to be alone, distance had become her habit.
Love and Language Page 5