They dashed across rocks and logs, running alongside the stream. A few people looked at them, upset. Athena whispered apologies as she ran with Tobin; having so much fun, she didn't even think of what Laguna would say when she saw Athena's tattered dress. Something about immodesty, surely.
It was summer, Athena's favorite season. She hardly spent any time at all in the bakery for nearly three months at a time. Every spare moment she had was dedicated to the outdoors. The glorious outdoors. She never tired of exploring Edgehill and its surrounding areas. She never tired of the forest and its endless wonders. Summer was pure bliss.
Tobin darted into the trees, beckoning for Athena to follow. He was getting to the age where he would soon have to do much more work on the farm. He wouldn't be able to spend summer days with Athena anymore. They had to make the most of the time they had together, so they ran almost nonstop, rarely taking breaks. There was a big wide world for them to explore, but so little time.
They fell into their favorite clearing, dripping with water. Tobin feigned an annoyed look, gesturing at his ruined clothing, but he quickly burst into laughter. Athena laughed with him, so loudly she was sure she had scared whatever wildlife roamed among the trees.
“You've got an ugly laugh,” Tobin said, as he snorted.
“Look who's talking,” Athena retorted, laughing harder.
“It gives you a flaw.”
Athena studied him curiously. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I've been trying to figure out if something is wrong with you. I've never been able to. I thought you were perfect.” Tobin's face was serious.
“Nobody's perfect,” Athena said.
“No, but you sure are close. I like your ugly laugh. It makes you more human.” Tobin smiled. “I promise that was a compliment, Athena. I'm no good with words.”
“Oh Tobin,” Athena giggled, “you're great with words.”
“Did we just flirt?” Tobin asked.
Athena shrugged. “I suppose so.”
Tobin's smile grew wider. “I like flirting.”
“Athena. Athena. Athena!” It was Faramond, shaking her.
Tobin and his classic smile vanished, as did the summer forest. Suddenly, the world looked a lot less bright. Everything green was replaced with a dull, drab gray.
“You meditated for nearly twenty minutes,” Faramond said. “You're a natural at this, Athena. Never did I think you'd master it so quickly. It's barely been two weeks.”
“I felt excellent,” Athena told him. “I was with Tobin, and it was summer. It was a memory from years ago, but it felt like I was there, just now. Like it barely just happened. So vivid, so... wonderful.” Athena still didn't smile fully, but the curve of her lips showed her happiness. Meditation was truly an amazing experience. Of course, it was always upsetting to come back to cruel reality, but at least it was better than spending all the time in reality.
“What did you want?” Athena asked. “You don't usually interrupt my meditation.”
“I apologize,” Faramond said, “it's not good interrupting a meditation session, but there's something that I couldn't put off any longer.”
Athena looked at him, puzzled. “I'm doing great, aren't I? With my physical and mental training?”
“Believe me, you're doing far better than I ever imagined,” Faramond breathed. “Right now I can hardly believe you're the same girl I was arguing with a few weeks ago. You've improved immensely, Athena. I am so proud of your progress, but I can still see that something is wrong. I see it in your eyes.”
Athena cast her gaze at the ground. “There's always something, isn't there?” she said, though it wasn't really a question so much as an observation.
“You're still haunted,” Faramond said.
“By what?” But Athena already knew. It wasn't something that was just going to go away. Though she didn't think about it as often as she used to, her grandparent's deaths still tormented her. They were at the forefront of her nightmares. She could not stop seeing their smiling faces turning to lifeless, blank stares. Their blood was stained on her hands, and she could not get over it.
“I know you think it's your fault that they died,” Faramond said gently.
“It was my fault,” Athena said. She wasn't trying to fight Faramond; she'd given that up quite a while ago. Arguing with Faramond was pointless. She would always lose.
“Tell me why you think it's your fault.”
“You already know why, Faramond. We've been over it before. You yourself were angry at me.”
“It helps to talk about it,” Faramond replied.
“But it's painful.”
Faramond grasped Athena's shoulder. His fingers were calloused, and his hands were wrinkled. He was not even forty years old, but he appeared much older. He was aged by suffering, by pain. Athena would never be able to show him the gratitude he deserved. If not for Faramond, she would not be alive. His words were comforting, they guided her. He was not just a mentor, but a friend. And now more than ever, Athena needed a friend.
“I know it's painful,” Faramond said. “Think of it as emotional training.”
Athena nearly laughed. “It's all training to you then?”
“The entire human experience is training.”
“Training for what?” Athena asked.
Faramond shook his head. “For whatever comes after life.”
“Do you believe there's something besides this?”
“Well, all of our loved ones must be somewhere, waiting for us. It would be awfully sad if they were truly gone. Truly just bones and ashes.”
“I hope my grandparents are somewhere nice. They slaved away in that damned bakery for too many years. And they put up with me.”
Faramond laughed. “Yes, you are quite a chore.”
“A lovable chore?”
“Occasionally.”
Athena hugged Faramond. “You've done more for me than you'll ever know,” she whispered. “Thank you.”
A tear fell from Faramond's eyes. “Thank you, my guardian.”
Athena pulled away, brushing her own tears away. “So, emotional training? How does that work?”
“Do you believe you're the Guardian of the Kingdom?” Faramond asked.
“We've also been over this before,” Athena said.
“Please, just answer.”
Athena's immediate reaction was uncertainty. She knew she was the guardian, that it was something she couldn't avoid, but whether she'd actually fulfill her destiny she never was sure. When she thought about it too much, the voices in her head began to squabble, giving her a headache. She knew she had to save the kingdom, but when she thought about actually doing it, she had no idea how to go about it. She had no idea if she would actually survive. Athena could talk the talk, but walking the walk? How?
Almost as if reading her mind, Faramond said, “You'll have to be sure.”
“I know who I'm supposed to be, but I don't know if I can do it,” Athena said honestly. “I don't doubt that I'm the guardian, but I wonder if I'll live up to it.”
Faramond nodded. “That's certainly better to hear than what you've said in the past, but you have to be confident Athena. And you can't keep living in the past.”
“I thought you wanted me to meditate-”
“Yes, but meditation isn't living in the past, it's remembering it. When you're in reality, you do nothing but think of your sorrows. Don't try to tell me that isn't true.”
It was true. When Athena was practicing with her weapons, she thought of the man she had killed. When she wasn't meditating, she was thinking of her grandparents, her parents, and Tobin. Bad memories constantly seeped into her mind. Letting go of the past was the hardest thing in the world. Harder than any obstacle course Faramond could ever create. The biggest hurdles to jump were in Athena's mind.
“You weren't responsible for your grandparent's deaths,” Faramond said.
But-”
“You weren't,” he said more sharply.
/> Athena blinked away tears. “How could I not be?”
“You made a mistake,” Faramond said. “You went to train when I told you not to, but it was not by your hand that your grandparents were killed. It wasn't your fault. The king's spies murdered them, Athena. They are the ones to blame, not you.”
“If I wouldn't have been training, the spies wouldn't have known. We could have kept everything secret. We could have still been in Edgehill right now.” Athena couldn't fight her tears anymore. It was the first time in weeks that she had cried. The saltiness stung her cheeks.
“We would have had to leave anyway,” Faramond said. “Edgehill wasn't safe for us. The king's spies would have found us eventually, regardless of how secretive we were.”
“You don't know that,” Athena managed. “You don't, Faramond.”
“Athena, look at me.”
Athena shook her head. “It was my fault,” she said again, and again.
“You did your best, Athena. You did your best. You tried to keep them safe. You tried to protect them. But fate decided what happened, not you.”
“No,” Athena said. “It wasn't fate, it was me. If I wouldn't have been such an idiot-”
“We all make mistakes,” Faramond said.
“No one makes mistakes that cause the deaths of the people they love most!”
“The king's spies were surely watching us for longer than we knew. They waited for the perfect moment to strike, Athena. If it hadn’t have happened that day, it would have happened eventually. The past cannot be changed.”
“Stop it, you don't really know, Faramond! You may be wise, but even you can't tell me that they couldn't have been saved. If I wasn't training that day, I would have been with them in the bakery. If the spies came, I would have been there to save my grandparents. I wouldn't have let them be murdered.”
“For all you know, you could have been killed too,” Faramond said softly. “You weren't the same person then that you are now. You weren't as strong as you are now. Athena, if you would have been there, you would have died, and then there wouldn't be a guardian. Your grandparents died so you could live.”
“If I fail, then their deaths would be meaningless. Same as my parents. Same as anyone else who decides to die for me. Do you know what that's like? That kind of pressure?”
Faramond nodded. “I can sense your pain, Athena. I'm with you all day, every day. I know how you feel. I know what you are going through. You have to let go. If you want to live up to the name of the Guardian of the Kingdom, you must let go of your guilt. It wasn't your fault. The past can't be changed. Live in the present, and live for the future.”
“I'm trying,” Athena whispered.
“And that is all I ask for now,” Faramond said. “Athena, if there is anyone to be angry with, it's King Landgrave. He's the one who has caused all of this pain. He's the one who took your family away. The one who took Tobin away. You feel alone because the king wants you to feel alone. He wants you to suffer, Athena.”
Athena nodded. “I can't give him the satisfaction.”
“That's right,” Faramond smiled. “He doesn't deserve the satisfaction. I've seen you grow so much, Athena. I've seen you improve, and I know you will only get better. You're the Guardian of the Kingdom, and I know you can do whatever you set your mind to.”
His words were comforting, as they always were. Athena was trying her hardest to let go of the deaths she had carried for so long. Leave them in the past, where they belonged. She would be able to accomplish it, she knew it. Maybe not today, but someday. It wasn't her fault her grandparents were dead. It wasn't her fault. Wasn't her fault. She had to keep telling herself that. She had to keep saying it until it felt true.
Athena saw Jermyn's smile. A single tear fell from her eye. She wiped it away and didn't see his smile again for the rest of the day. Letting go was tremendously painful. But a guardian couldn't be guilty. Guilt accomplished nothing. A Guardian needed to be confident.
Someday I'll be confident.
Chapter 10
As more time passed, Athena began to feel stronger, more powerful, even more confident. She was a weapons master, as well as a master of her mind. She could meditate for an hour at a time. She could hit a target from a hundred feet away. Athena felt more and more like the Guardian of the Kingdom every day. Faramond even got to a point where he could hardly teach her anything she didn't already know. Faramond was still far wiser, something that came with age and experience, which Athena lacked, but in every other way they were equals.
Their days of arguing were long over. Faramond and Athena worked together as partners, as friends. Athena was no longer an apprentice. Sometimes it was strange, not having to wake up and run the obstacle course or do target practice. Faramond didn't make a schedule or give Athena any requirements anymore. All he asked was that she stay physically, mentally, and emotionally strong.
The physical and mental parts were easy. Athena had managed to put on an entire layer of muscle despite the little nourishment she had. Though she was tiny compared to any soldier in the king's army, she was just as strong, perhaps even stronger than any of them. They hadn't had to work under such grueling circumstances. They had proper diets and proper energy. Athena had managed everything they did with hardly any food and hardly any sleep.
Mentally, Athena could meditate whenever and wherever she wanted, something that even Faramond couldn't do. He was frequently in awe that she was even capable. Athena remembered when she had first begun meditating, how frustrating it had been. She had come so incredibly far. It was now her favorite activity because it meant seeing the world the way she loved. It meant summer days, splashing in the water, running around like the hooligan Laguna had always called her. It meant time spent with her favorite people. Meditation wasn't a distraction, but almost like a pleasant surprise. A gift. The best gift she could ever receive.
Then there was Athena's emotional state. She hadn't mastered this yet. She still thought of her grandparent's deaths more frequently than she would have liked to. It was still painful. Of course, all of Athena's sorrows were painful. That was something that would never go away, that would always be felt, but all of her sorrows except this one had faded into dull aches. This one was like a fresh wound that kept being poked and prodded. Athena just couldn't let it go. It was the last thing keeping her from becoming a full-fledged guardian. The last hurdle she had to jump.
“I think it's time I tell you something,” Faramond said to her one afternoon, as they sat on the ground, drawing pictures in the dirt.
“Oh no, Faramond's going to tell me something,” Athena said to Sapphire. The horse opened one eye to look at her before resuming sleeping.
“It's time you hear it. I've… admittedly, I've been keeping it from you.”
Athena looked up at Faramond, surprised. “You've been keeping a secret?” She tried not to feel hurt, but she couldn't help it. Faramond was the only person around to trust. She'd already poured the contents of her heart out to him many times before. Perhaps the secret wasn't a big deal. Perhaps it was something silly.
“It's about who you are, Athena.”
“We already know I'm the Guardian of the Kingdom.”
“Where you came from.”
Athena closed her mouth. She stared at Faramond intently. “Where I came from?” She repeated.
“You're a seer, Athena, just like your father.”
She gave him a puzzled look, not understanding. “A seer?” she questioned.
“Your father worked for the king, as an adviser. Seers were often employed by the king to help him know what to watch out for. Enemies, disputes, wars. With a seer at the king's side, he was incredibly powerful. He could stop things before they happened. He could also cause things if he wanted to. Some thought the king was practically a god.
“But what seers see isn't definite. Things can be changed by decisions. You father saw things that could potentially happen and advised the king about them. What King Lan
dgrave wanted to do with the information was up to him. He could either make the kingdom more peaceful, or he could ruin it. At first, Landgrave chose peace. He was a good king, righteous and just.
“And then your father showed him a future of greed and a journey to absolute power, bringing the destruction of the kingdom and the deaths of millions. Your father advised him accordingly, of course, telling him what he could do to avoid this dark future. But Landgrave didn't listen.”
Athena closed her eyes. “He succumbed to the lure of power.”
“Precisely,” Faramond said. “Your father begged Landgrave to change his ways, to continue down a path of good, not evil. He urged him to stay in the light, but Landgrave refused. Your father grew scared. He began to warn the government about the king's corruption. He began to warn anyone who would listen. Landgrave quickly grew angry, furious at your father's betrayal.”
“I think I know what happens next,” Athena whispered solemnly.
Faramond nodded gravely. “Landgrave ordered the murders of your parents. He couldn't allow your father to spout anything anymore, not if it hurt Landgrave's own image. He couldn't afford to have his reputation ruined, as he was trying to paint a picture of still being a good king while dealing with darkness in the shadows.
You and your parents were to be murdered, as Landgrave assumed you were a seer as well. He didn't want any seers alive, realizing that they could have more power than he himself. Landgrave couldn't fathom the thought of anyone having more power than him, it was outrageous. You barely survived Athena, as I saved you just in time.”
“How did you save me?” Athena asked.
“Your parents and I were very close. I was one of the first people your father warned when Landgrave began to grow corrupt. Being a soldier, I promised your father I would watch over him and his family. I wanted to keep you all safe from Landgrave. Unfortunately, I couldn't save you all. Spies ambushed your parents while I wasn't watching. I looked away for just a few minutes, and my closest friends were murdered.” Faramond paused for a moment. “That moment still haunts me. You feel guilty about your grandparent's deaths. I feel guilty about your parent's deaths.”
The Enlightenment Page 6