Crossroads: An Anthology

by LaShaun, Elizabeth

  “Don’t touch me!” she yelled, her voice shattering the hush of the library. Nash took his hand off of her arm.

  “Where are the boys?” he asked again, this time with authority.

  “What does it matter to you?” she asked in a much softer voice this time.

  Again, she dodged the question she’d been avoiding since the diner. Now, Nash completely lost his patience. To avoid his eyes, she bowed her head and once again, her wild hair covered her face. Nash grabbed her by the arm again.

  “I asked you a question Brenda. I suggest you answer me right now! No more games,” he said. His kept a steel grip on her forearm. She raised her head slowly so she could look at him.

  “A game is all this has been Nash. Go away and stay out of my life. Don’t worry about what’s going on with me,” she told him.

  1“I didn’t ask you anything about your life. I don’t ever interfere with your life,” he answered.

  “Oh, so now you don’t interfere in my life? Really? So what would you call the last three years of my life?” she demanded.

  “Don’t go there. We made a mistake three years ago. We’ve both been paying for it since then,” he answered.

  “Both of us? How have we both been paying for it Nash? I’ve been the one that’s had to keep the secret. I’ve had to face it and deal with it every day,” she said.

  “And what do you think my life has been like?” he asked in a harsh whisper through gritted teeth.

  “Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare compare the two! I regret that day every morning that I wake up. I lie to my husband with every breath and in every moment that I spend with him. On top of that, I do what you asked me to do every single morning. I even have to lie to my boys to keep our dirty little secret. I feel cursed,” Brenda told him, pulling her arm away from him.

  “You’re so selfish. All I ever asked for is to be able to see my son. Do you think it’s easy for me to only see him from a distance? I’ve watched him grow for three years and he has no idea that I’m his real father,” Nash complained.

  “Selfish? I’m hurting myself to please everybody! How the hell am I selfish?” she asked. She didn’t take care to whisper nor was she concerned with whoever became annoyed by her raised voice.

  “I’m not saying it’s been easy for you but,” Nash started to say, trying to calm her down but she cut him off mid-sentence.

  “Let me tell you how easy it’s been for me. Three years ago, we met in the diner on one of the worst days of my life. I’d just had the biggest fight with my husband, all because I’d taken Demetrius to see my husband’s mother whom he hated. I left my son home with his father because I couldn’t stand being in the house another minute. That’s how you met me Nash. I was upset and vulnerable. I should have been stronger. I should have stayed home with my family,” she reminded him.

  “I understand. I just saw you upset and you looked like a nice person. You were so sad that it hurt to look at you. At first, all I wanted to do was ask if you were alright,” he answered.

  “I looked like a nice person? Are your serious? No, Nash, you liked the way I looked so you decided to be nice to me because of that,” she corrected him.

  “I never meant to take advantage of you, or your situation,” he explained.

  “All the same, look what happened? Because of that one day, that one mistake with you, I got pregnant with Douglas. Ever since then, my life has been a living nightmare,” she said.

  “I never meant for things to be the way they are,” he told her.

  “Yeah, if you say so. I explained that I was married. I regret even telling you I was pregnant after we did what we did. I don’t know what I was thinking. Then you insisted on the impossible. You didn’t care that the truth about you being the baby’s real father could ruin my life.” she said.

  “I understand that but what kind of man do you think I am? Do you think I could live with myself knowing that I had a child in the world that I never saw at all? I don’t think that under the circumstances I’m asking for too much,” he answered.

  “And so, just to keep you happy, I bring my children to that diner, every morning, just so you can look at your son. I’ve been doing that for you for three years,” she reminded him.

  “And I’m grateful for that but do you know what kind of torture that is for me? I can’t talk to him, hug him or let him know that I love him. It fuckin’ kills me,” he said, trying his best to show her things from his perspective.

  “It kills you? How do you think I live with the lie? I wake up every day with it. I live it. I gave up my career to have my first child because my husband is totally against abortion. I had to have your child because I couldn’t have hidden an abortion from him. I didn’t even have to tell you that I got pregnant. You better remember that!” she asked Nash.

  “Yes, I know,” Nash answered.

  “Good, so don’t talk to me about being selfish. I’ve given up too much and risked everything for everybody else. I’m the one who has to keep secrets and I’m the one who gets tortured every day by the truth. I’m the one who’s sad all the time. I’m the one who doesn’t remember what it’s like to not be depressed,” she told Nash.

  At that moment, there was something in her voice that frightened him. Somewhere, hidden in her angry, hushed whisper, there was a terrible thing clawing to escape. Nash was terrified to hear what it was but he had to know exactly what she was avoiding telling him.

  “Brenda, where are the boys?” he asked and waited for her to answer.

  Somehow, the look on her face when he asked this time let him know that he was about to get his answer. She paused and then took a deep breath before she spoke. Her confession had finally fought its way from the recesses of her mind until it found her lips.

  “This morning wasn’t any different from any other morning. My husband had his coffee way before I woke up, kissed me goodbye and left for work, long before the sun came up. I told him to have a good day, went back to sleep and waited for the alarm clock to wake me again. Once I was up, I got my boys out of bed and started to get them ready for daycare and school. I put them in the tub together to take a bath. I usually stayed with them, made sure they got clean and played safe. I don’t know why I left them alone. I knew it wasn’t safe,” she began her story. Nash’s heart was racing and fear gripped him mercilessly.

  “What did you do Brenda?” he asked, disturbed by the direction her story had taken. Her mannerisms were disturbing as she retold that morning’s events. He watched horror creep across her face until her features contorted as if she was in pain.

  “I don’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt so tired. I knew that I shouldn’t have left them alone in the bathroom. There was more than enough water in the tub so I don’t know why I left the tap running. I sat down on the couch in my living room. I couldn’t see them but the house was quiet and I could hear them splashing and laughing,” she continued.

  Her voice was barely a whisper and all of the blood seemed to have drained from her caramel face. Her eyes were wide open but she didn’t seem awake. Nash sat on the edge of the uncomfortable wooden chair and when she stopped talking, fear gripped him again.

  “Brenda, what happened to the boys?” Nash asked, frightened of what her answer would be.

  He gripped her arm firmly to get her talking again. She continued with her story although she still appeared to be mentally missing, lost in the memories that replayed in her mind.

  “I don’t know what was wrong with me. The sunlight from the window was warm on my face but the room felt dark. I sat on my couch and felt like I didn’t want to move, ever again. I felt like I was too heavy to move. I wanted to just sit there forever. I was chained to my life by secrets and lies and I didn’t want to be. Then, I realized that I didn’t hear them,” she said.

  “What do you mean you didn’t hear them?” Nash asked.

  “I didn’t hear them splashing. I didn’t hear them laughing. I just sat there with my eyes clo
sed and acted like nothing was wrong. I should have panicked when I didn’t hear them. Any good mother would have panicked but I didn’t. I didn’t move. For a split second I wondered if they’d drowned. For a split second, I wondered if my little boys were dead. And may God forgive me, I felt free,” she said.

  Horrified, Nash reached across the table and grabbed Brenda by both of her shoulders.

  “What have you done?” he asked.

  “And then, it was like I stopped dreaming. I ran to the bathroom and I found them both standing outside of the tub, watching the water overflow, terrified that they were going to be in trouble. I turned the water off and hurried them out of the bathroom. The wet floor soaked my socks and I wanted to throw up. I almost wanted to drown myself because I knew that for a split second, I had wished my children dead. I’m a monster,” she finished. She hung her head and stared at the grain of old wooden table. She didn’t want him looking into her face. Nash let go of her shoulders and slumped back in his seat.

  “Where are the children?” he asked.

  “I left them with my husband’s mother,” she answered.

  “I want my son,” he told her.

  “What?” she asked. His request snapped her out of her trance and back to reality.

  “You heard me. I can’t let him stay with you if you’re going to hurt him. I won’t let him get hurt just because you’re tired of your life,” he said firmly.

  “Are you out of your mind? Do you hear yourself? Do you know what you’re asking?” she asked.

  “I know exactly what I’m asking. And before you even ask, no, I don’t care about what happens to your marriage. I only care about my son,” he explained, making his position clear.

  “Oh, you don’t care about my marriage? Well, you should Nash,” she said.

  “And why should I choose to protect your miserable little marriage and risk losing my own flesh and blood?” he asked.

  “Because, to threaten my marriage is the same as threatening your flesh and blood,” she told him.

  “No, you’re worried about what your husband will do to YOU if he finds out the truth! I’m worried about my child’s safety if he stays in your custody,” he answered.

  “You should be just as worried about my husband as I am,” she warned him.

  “And why is that?” he asked.

  “Do you have any idea who my husband is?” she asked.

  “Actually, I don’t. You never wanted to tell me,” Nash reminded Brenda before he locked eyes fiercely with her.

  She took a deep breath before she answered.

  “Nash, I’m married to Dirk Swan, as in Swan Park that we just walked through. My last name is Swan as in, my husband owns this city in one way or another,” she explained to Nash.

  His eyes opened wide in disbelief. That bit of information that Brenda had withheld certainly changed the dynamics of the mess he’d gotten himself into. Immediately he became angry with himself. He was also far from foolish so he understood that there was a very good reason to be alarmed. He hoped Brenda didn’t notice the change in his facial expression. He quickly composed himself.

  “I don’t give a fuck. That doesn’t change shit!” he told her.

  “Nash, stop it. My husband is one of the wealthiest men in the country. He is not rich. He’s wealthy. You have no idea what he’s capable of. Whoever you may know, or whatever street trash may owe you loyalty because you grew up with them, cannot compare to how strong, or how far my husband’s reach is,” she warned Nash again.

  “So what am I supposed to do, just sit back and wait until something happens to my son?” he asked.

  “If my husband were to find out the truth, he’d have all three of us killed. Don’t doubt me on this. I know his heart. He has the resources to have it done, the right way and by the right people. People like my husband are above the law. He would just as easily have us killed to wipe away his shame as another man might swat a fly. Do not try him. I’m trying to save us all, our son included,” she said, bursting into tears again.

  “So, what am I supposed to do?” he asked.

  “Nothing, unless you want us all dead. Tomorrow, I’ll make sure everything is back to normal,” she said, wiping her face. Her words gave him no comfort.

  “Normal? Is that what you call this?” Nash asked, getting up out of his seat. Without another word, he walked out of the library.

  Part 3: The Ex Mrs. Swan’s Song

  Outside the library, Brenda hailed a taxi-cab. She got in and gave the driver her mother-in-law’s address so that she could pick up her sons. The driver started the meter and she closed her eyes, hoping to get a little sleep before she got to her destination. Even though their meeting today had been filled with subtle unpleasantness, Brenda was glad that she had spoken to Nash, even if their dialogue only served to weigh his soul down with even a small portion of her burden. She definitely felt lighter. She also hoped he took heed to her warnings of how ruthless her husband was. She knew better than anyone that Dirk Swan was not to be trifled with.

  Brenda’s husband was the sole heir to a massive fortune left to him by his father. Dirk owned real estate in almost every part of the city. This well-known fact would make any stranger wonder why the mother of this ridiculously wealthy man would be living in one of the most decrepit parts of the city, District 19. How things had come to be the way they were was an interesting story.

  ***

  When Dirk was five years old, his mother walked out on his father. She chose to leave him behind because her son just didn’t fit in with her plans for living a new life. While she was gone, it was as if she fell off the face of the earth. There were no phone calls, letters or any other sign that she was even still alive. For a time, because his young mind couldn’t comprehend how his mother could just abandon him completely without even a word, he actually believed that his father might have had her killed. Dirk was ten by the time his mother’s new life collapsed on her, leaving her in the world with absolutely nothing. She had no choice but to crawl back to Dirk’s father who opened his doors to her as if she had not been the one to walk out of them in the first place. Mr. Swan convinced himself that he took her back for the sake of his son. The real truth was that he still loved her. On the other hand, after she’d left, she hadn’t looked back. Before she left, she called her husband weak and less than a man. Perhaps he also took her back to prove that he was more than what she thought of him. Dirk’s father showed infinite benevolence the day she showed up at their estate with the same suitcases she had packed and walked away with all those years before. Unfortunately, his wife wasn’t home long before he realized that he had made a terrible mistake that couldn’t easily be corrected. Dirk himself made no secret the contempt he held for his mother and it pained his father to see his son so miserable. His last attempt to rectify the situation was his last will and testament where he’d left everything to Dirk, along with a letter of apology.

  In that letter, Mr. Swan apologized to his son for taking the boy’s mother back. He admitted that a small part of his reasons for doing so was the love that he himself still had for her. Even after all that she’d done, he confessed that his heart would never have totally been rid of his weakness for her. He warned his son that real love always leaves deep scars. He also wrote that his main intention had been to give Dirk back the mother who had abandoned them both. His father explained how painful it had been to watch his only son grow up without a real mother. He admitted that he never anticipated how much more pain he had caused by allowing her back in their lives. Finally, Mr. Swan wrote that he had often wondered if it would not have been a better choice to have just re-married. In his will, he named Dirk as the sole heir to everything that had been his.

  Dirk’s first course of action after putting on his father’s crown of wealth had been to evict his mother. At the time, he hadn’t grown ruthless enough to let her starve so he bought her a cheap home in one of the low-income communities in the city. Because she had no other mean
s to support herself, she reluctantly and painfully accepted his charity, if that’s what it could be called. She found herself banished to live out the rest of her days in a slum. Brenda often accused him of being a sadist. She believed he maintained the distant, cruel relationship simply to pour salt in his mother’s wounds as she was constantly reminded of being cast out of heaven. He found pleasure in dangling the life she could have had in front of her face.

  Brenda was immediately reminded of her husband’s cruelty as the taxi sped through the decaying neighborhood. Everything seemed dead or impatiently waiting for death. The main signs of life came in the form of the abundance of young children in the streets. The poor always seemed to produce more offspring than the wealthy. Brenda couldn’t imagine raising her sons in such a neighborhood. The criminals were grim reapers and the addicts were like dead limbs on a dying body. There was the overwhelming feeling that anything that even managed to grow there wouldn’t survive for long.

  ***

  Brenda told the taxi-driver to wait while she went to pick up her children. His expression made it clear that he wanted desperately to get out of there as soon as he could. He reluctantly agreed to wait only after she promised him a big tip. She secretly hoped that he used some of it to buy deodorant. She hadn’t realized just how bad he smelled until she stepped out of the taxi. She didn’t know how she hadn’t noticed it before but it was refreshing to inhale even the polluted air instead of the cabby’s overwhelming body odor.

  Brenda pushed open the rusty gate in front of the dirty brown house. She carefully walked up the crumbling brick stairs until she got to the front door. The doorbell dangled from its base and was only supported by its exposed wires. She was sure it didn’t work so she banged on the heavy, metal front door instead. Before long, her mother-in-law appeared at the front window and peeked through the curtains.