by Mj Fields
I felt my face heat and I swear I could hear my heart banging against my chest. I grabbed the picture I had taken, that I had to return someday.
I took a deep breath, “One sun, two parents, three siblings, four brothers, five minutes to cry, six people total in his family, seven….my families in heaven, eight boats in the background, nine birds, and ten people total. Now go to sleep Tara Gardner, go to sleep.”
~
It was one point two three miles from the house to the center of town. It took me thirty four minutes to walk it because I was so tired. There was no gym that I could us to shower, like a YMCA.
I went into a little diner and used the bathroom to wash up as best I could. I bought a brush, a toothbrush, toothpaste, baby wipes, and deodorant. I brushed my hair, my teeth, washed up, and used deodorant.
I sat at a table in the corner and ordered a glass of milk, two eggs, three sausage links, and two pieces of toast: they would be cut so there would be four pieces total. I took my time eating, afraid that I may throw up. I took one napkin and wrapped two pieces of sausage and three pieces of toast in it for later.
I went into the small library and googled Theodore and Amy Gardner. It took a while, but I found them and then I sat back and looked at the newspaper clippings, one about the accident and one about the memorial service. When I saw the picture of them, I started shaking. I hadn’t seen a picture of them in fifteen years, no pictures had ever been given to me. No locket with my parents photos, no pink album all about me, no family photo albums. I had to get out of here, I was going to fall apart. No amount of counting could take away the overwhelming pain I felt right now. It hurt so bad, I missed them so much.
I walked to the park and sat down and forced myself to eat the rest of the cashews. I took out the town’s map I had gotten for free off of the diner’s counter. When I finished the cashews I found a garbage and threw away the bag.
I told myself I needed to do this.
~
I walked through the paths of Saint John’s Cemetery. It was old, but very well maintained. I stopped and looked at all the head stones making my way slowly down the lines and even slower to the back.
Fester
I drove my bike to Carly’s. Jase left his Jeep there even though they had all moved to his place after the wedding. I pulled out the key and opened the door. The place was empty except the furniture. Nothing personal, which was good.
I rummaged through the drawers and found the keys. I didn’t know if she would be coming back to Jersey but I knew I couldn’t expect her to ride all the way on the back of my bike--- I wasn’t even a hundred percent sure I would find her.
I was only half an hour outside if the city when Jase called.
“You got the Jeep?”
“Yeah, didn’t wanna wake you.”
“Well next time go ahead, security called me and said someone had entered. You find her?”
“Not yet, but I will.”
“Carly wants to know if you’re going to…”
“Red Creek, apparently that’s where she was raised. I just thought maybe…”
I heard him cover the phone and talk to Carly.
“Hey Jase, I need to get my head into this, anything else…”
“Carly thinks she should stay at the apartment. If she comes back and you’re not going to form a relation…”
“Tell her thanks, that’s a good idea. I’ll call when I find her.”
~
I drove to the last known address of Theodore and Amy Gardner and found a house in shambles. It was obviously abandoned, but I needed to see if the little Birdie might be here. I would never admit it but when I’m wrecked, I drive to our old place. I never get out, but I’ve spent time sitting in front of the house we lived in when things were good.
I walked up the front steps and tried the door. It was locked, so I decided to go around to the back. I noticed two sets of prints in the dirt, thankful it had rained. I squatted down and took a closer look. Little feet, one set in and one out same size, I was sure she was here.
I followed the ones leading to the back and found an unlocked door. I walked in and slowly moved around. There was nothing downstairs. I walked carefully up the stairs: pretty sure they had good bones, but I carefully stepped on the sides when I walked up just to be safe.
There was a door open and I walked into a bathroom. I looked at the walls and saw finger marks on them. I looked closer and saw the numbers one through ten written over and over again.
Birdie, where the hell are you?
I walked down the hall and opened a door to what was a decent sized room. Nothing remarkable and I went to the next. This room was obviously a child’s room. It still had a bed, a dresser, and a chest in it. It was cleaner than the others and as I looked around I noticed the walls were painted with murals. I’m sure that they were once beautiful but now were faded. I looked up at the ceiling and it was the same, but the scene on it gnawed at me enough that I couldn’t stay in that room for any longer without over thinking this whole fucking thing.
As I started walking out, curiosity grabbed hold and I opened the chest. Inside were keepsakes, you know shit girls keep. A couple dolls, some blankets, all sealed in bags, like someone was preserving them.
I walked out and shut the door behind me and made my way down the stairs. I must have sat there for hours because I noticed the sun going down. The sky was bright orange and had to have been one of the prettiest sunsets I had taken the time to notice in for a very long time.
I walked out into the now chilly air and it started to sprinkle. I sat in the Jeep and looked over the folder that contained everything documented about Tara Gardner since she was five years old.
I grabbed the phone and dialed information to find out information on the house, I needed to know who owned it. First thing tomorrow morning I would be finding out. I drove down the hill into town.
I stopped at a gas station and grabbed a cup of coffee and some sort of shit food that sat next to the cash register. It was supposed to be a burrito but it taste not much better than MRE’s I used to eat in the field.
I sat in the Jeep trying to figure out where to go next. It was too long of a drive to head home for the night, and there was no way in hell I’d be doing that anyway, not when I knew she was close.
I looked across the road and saw a funeral home, this day just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
There was a buzzer next to the door so I pushed it and waited. I swear to God above, Uncle Fester himself answered the door. I explained to him that I was looking into something for a friend and needed some help.
He lead me into an office and I sat as he took his time walking around the big desk and sat. He typed on his keyboard, one slow click at a time. I’m not real good at the whole typing thing but I swear to you I was going to die of old age before Fester finished typing in whatever the hell he was typing and then I decided it may just be his plan. Fester was gonna kill me to drum up some business.
He sat back and smiled, strumming his fingers together as he waited for his computer to work. By the looks of it, the computer was not much younger than Fester. He just sat there and stared at me. I didn’t look away, not because I was having a contest to see who would look away first without blinking but because I was pretty damn sure he was a prop and this was some fucked up weird-ass haunted house. So yeah, there are only a couple things in my life that freak me out. I would never admit it to anyone but horror movies freaked me the fuck out. Send me into a war zone and I’m fearless, send me into a hostage situation and I remain calm, throw me to the wolves and I’ll be the one walking away. But don’t you ever expect me to watch those movies with demonic little dolls, kids, or killer clowns—they’re just fucking wrong. Fester here was starting to make me wonder if the rest of the Addams family wasn’t hiding in the next room, waiting for him to bore me to death.
I jumped a bit when the printer started up behind me and I could have sworn Festers lips curled up a bit.
“Behind you is what I have on the Gardner’s.”
“Thanks so much for your time,” as soon as the printer stopped I was out of that chair and out the door. I wasn’t looking back either.
~
I parked in front of Saint John’s Cemetery and didn’t get out. It was getting darker and I knew I needed to just go see if this was in fact the place the parents of Tara laid to rest. I hated cemeteries, and no not because I was afraid of them, the people in there are dead, what the hell is there to be afraid of. I hadn’t stepped foot in one since Dad died and I really wasn’t planning on it—until now.
I grabbed the poncho I had from the glove box. You know… one of those yellow drug store throw always, yeah Jase had them in the glove box. Or should I say Carly did, I bet she was a girl scout back I in the day. Every vehicle had a first aid kit and anything you might need in any damn situation. She was a fucking treat.
It was raining pretty good out now and I was burning daylight.
I stepped out and pulled the poncho over my head, the rain, the fucking rain. The ocean absconding.
The soft sound of the rain drummed against the headstones as I walked around searching and avoiding at the same damn time. The soft drumming gave verve to this place of decease. I closed my eyes and thought about all the places I’d missed, the places that allowed me to lean into life again. I missed taking pictures and traveling. But with our new life at Steel Enterprises, travel hasn’t been something I could do for pleasure anymore.
How fucked up was it that I felt more alive here than I had in a long time? I needed to find Birdie and take a break before I completely lost my mind.
I walked up and down the rows and rows or the section on Fester’s print out. I suddenly heard a sound above the drumming, it was soft sobs. I followed it past the tall family monuments to the back row and I saw her leaning over a stone from behind. My heart stopped momentarily as I watched her hands rubbing the stone as heaven’s tears, danced with hers, and rained down the contours of her face.
I froze, and I had never froze before. I needed to give her a moment: a fucking moment to grieve. I watched as her fingers lovingly traced their names and she cried harder. She covered her face and her tiny little shoulders shuddered violently and she stood and reached into the air and screamed.
The sound of her cry crushed me and I couldn’t take it anymore. Her hands were still in the air and her eyes were closed, she opened her mouth and cried out again.
“Birdie,” I didn’t say her name loud because I didn’t want to scare her. She didn’t hear me and I said it a little louder as I walked towards her unable to restrain my need to comfort her.
She looked up in shock and wiped her face desperately, “No—Cyrus NO!” I grabbed her and held her tightly and she started to shake, “Please, I’m sorry. Just—I need to stop… crying, please!”
I couldn’t let go, I wouldn’t, “No Birdie, you cry damn it. Just fucking cry.”
She grabbed the poncho, clenching it tightly as she silently shook. I loosened her grip and pulled the poncho over her head ripping it so that her head would fit through the hole and she grabbed my shirt. I felt her shake and pulled her head against my chest.
I don’t know how long we stood in the rain but it was almost completely dark when she pulled back. She looked up at me and her eyes looked like Christmas, green and red. She covered her face and rubbed her eyes.
“Tired?” she shook her head yes, “Let me get you outta here.
“I can’t.”
“Tara, you’re soaked—we’re soaked. I’ll bring you back, I promise.” When she didn’t move, I lifted her up and she grabbed tightly around my neck and I walked through the darkness to the Jeep.
I ripped the rest of the poncho open and unlocked the door and sat her in the seat. I walked around and got in. She was shaking like a leaf as I turned on the Jeep. I reached in the back and grabbed a sweatshirt, “Put this on Birdie. Take those off, and put this on.”
I faced the window to give her some privacy and could hear her teeth chatter.
“I left my bag…oh no, your photo…”
“Sit still and lock the door, I’ll be right back.”
It wasn’t easy to find the bag but I did, when I got closer to the Jeep I noticed she wasn’t there. I grabbed the door and it was locked I looked in the window and she was down on the floor. I taped the window and she opened the door.
“I saw Tony and Larry in Larry’s car. They drove by twice. I shouldn’t hide, I shouldn’t…”
“You did great. Buckle up,” I grabbed my phone out of the glove box and had several missed calls and messages.
“George, what’s up?”
He told me that his guy had followed them into Red Hook I let him go on and on as I made my way back onto the main road. When I hung up I looked over at her and she looked scared and exhausted.
“Sleep, I’m gonna take you somewhere safe Tara.”
“I wanna go home,” she was shaking and fidgeting and I heard her whispers.
I drove to a hotel I had driven by on my way in and parked. Tara was still whispering. I had no clue what the hell she was talking about but she was a fucking mess. I opened her door and unbuckled her seat belt, “Let’s go.”
She scowled at me and didn’t move so I reached in to pick her up and as soon as I touched her she clung to me and started crying. It was pouring out and I was getting soaked. I was also a little nervous about getting her inside for more than one reason. Tony and Larry being one, I needed to keep her safe. The second was how the hell to keep her calm while I checked in.
“We need to get you inside,” she shook her head no, “It’s warm in there Birdie, come on, please I told you I’d help you and I will. But you can’t fucking take off again and we need to get in there—now.”
I didn’t wait for permission-- I picked her up and carried her to the entry. I set her down on her feet and lifted her chin and wiped her face. “Keep it together for just a few minutes more. Then you can take a bath, okay? You like bath’s right?”
Her eyes fluttered as she let out little breaths. I knew she was fucking wrecked and I knew I wasn’t what she needed right now. She needed someone who was capable of taking care of her.
I put my arm around her shoulder and she sunk right into me. I got a room and we headed quickly to the elevator. She didn’t move from my side and to be honest-- I didn’t want her to. The ride up wasn’t long enough, I knew as soon as we were in that room I had to let go. This had to be kept friendly, God help me.
Found
I wanted to run, I didn’t want him to be any more disappointed than I already knew he must be in me. I was disappointed in me, I stole from him. I had every intention of making sure he got back everything I had taken, but I wasn’t ready or able to do it this soon.
I didn’t want to be here… I wished I could have spent the night in the cemetery. It felt good to cry, it felt good to be close to them, and I wanted that again, I needed that.
“Come on,” he pulled me from the elevator and walked me to the door of the room. I don’t remember ever being in a place like this.
He opened the door and pulled me inside. He was holding onto me tightly, almost painfully, but if he let go I was sure I would crumble, break into a million pieces.
When his grip loosened I held tighter, afraid. Afraid to look at him, afraid to see the anger or hurt I may have caused him, afraid he would see me…. the me that was held so tightly together by years of fear, that I would disappoint or be a burden, or be seen, or…
“Come on Tara,” Cyrus took me into the bathroom and started the bath and then leaned against the counter holding me.
“Okay you need to get in there. I’m gonna run down to the Jeep to grab my bag and yours, then right back. I can’t believe I fucking forgot them,” he let out an uneasy breath, “Don’t you leave Tara, I will fucking find you again. I promised to help you, now you have to let me.”
I shook my head yes afraid i
f I spoke I would cry again and if I cried…I couldn’t cry. He grabbed me and held me again before he left.
Now I could cry, now I could for a couple minutes anyway.
I was in the tub when he burst through the door. He closed his eyes tightly and his hands fisted at his side.
With his eyes still closed he breathed out, “Thank you.”
I washed my face hoping he wouldn’t see the tears.
“I’m not gonna look at you Birdie okay? But I’m not gonna leave you either .”
I still couldn’t answer him, I still couldn’t talk. I finished my bath and started to stand. Cyrus turned around his eyes still closed and handed me a towel.
I was wrapped and finally cleared my throat, “Can I have my bag?”
“Yes, yes of course you can,” he walked out the door leaving it open and grabbed my bag.
“Thank you,” I said as I opened the bag searching I grabbed the money, “Um, Cyrus I’m sorry about this but here is what’s left, I will ..I spent forty three dollars. I promise…”
“It’s all good Birdie, do you have clothes, do you need…”
“No, I have one sweatshirt, two…oh, oh God… I’m sorry…” I was doing it in front of him and now I was going to cry in front of him.
He emptied my bag on the counter and grabbed underwear and socks and a t- shirt. “Step in,” he was squatting in front of me holding my panties, and I did what he asked. Next he pulled the shirt over my head and grabbed another towel and my hand. He dragged me behind him and walked into the bedroom.
“Sit,” he pointed to the bed. He handed me a brush and grabbed the menu off of the night stand, and pulled down the covers to the bed, “Come on up here, you’ll be warm.”
I sat against the headboard and pulled the blankets up around me his phone rang and he set the menu on my lap, “I gotta take this, you pick something.”
He answered the phone and walked out the door into the other room.
“Yeah I found her…no she’s alright, I think…Jase I haven’t even talked to her yet…She just took a bath and … Oh, for Fuck’s sake NO!” I heard him hiss, “She’s pretty fucking upset alright, I’m not a fucking…fine. You tell her after I get her to eat something. I’ll call…not now Jase…Yes call George back, tell him to get on it, I want those slimy fucks dealt with and believe me I will do the shit my way if we can’t come to a fucking agreement….No Jase, tonight she’s gonna eat and sleep, tomorrow I have a couple things to …Two days alright. I’ll be there in two days.”