by Piper Frost
I stop and stare blankly at the seat Kaydence was just in and try to figure out what just happened, but I can't. I hate it too, because that's not Kaydence, but I loved it. I loved watching her stand up for herself. It's what I was wishing for all along.
The bar closed at one and I've been here ever since. Sitting on this cold ass metal bench just outside the fucking police station, waiting for them to let her out. She's going to need a ride home. And I need to talk to her. I need to know she's okay. I need to hear her out, because I do love her. Love just doesn't stop, especially the type of love I have for her. It just hurts. I don't like hurting. Because that kind of hurt makes me angry.
The door pushes open and she winces at the sunlight.
“Hey,” I blurt, standing and grabbing the door as she walks outside.
“What're you doing here?” she asks in confusion.
“You need a ride,” I say, nodding toward my truck.
“Well, it beats walking in these heels.” She heads for my truck.
“You were gonna walk home?” I laugh. “Hell, Kay, that'd take you all day! That's clear on the other side of town.”
“I don't really have an option. I didn't call my brother. I'm fully capable of walking. But I'm glad you're here.” She smiles at me.
“Are you?” I smirk when she rolls her eyes. Even a night locked up after a bar brawl and the girl is still the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on, and it hurts. It fucking hurts. But I'm going to try. “I wouldn't have left you hanging, Kaydence,” I finally say, then unlock the truck and find it really fucking hard to tear my eyes from her ass in those pants as she pulls herself into my truck.
I take a few deep breaths before walking to my side and getting in. I don't want to be mad anymore. But I'm not okay being just friends with this girl and that's what she apparently wants.
“You've left me hanging for the past two and a half weeks, Chase. I didn't really think you'd come pick me up from the police station.”
“Kay, I couldn't keep giving my heart to a girl who didn't feel the same. When you didn't come after me that night...I mean that pretty much sealed it, wouldn't you say?” I raise an eyebrow at her and start the truck. “So. Food?”
“It's six in the morning. Are you cooking?” She giggles and I groan inwardly. God, I fucking love that sound.
“Uh...no.” I rub the back of my neck. “I don't have any food at my place,” I mutter. “I'll take us to the pancake house if that's okay.”
“Yeah,” she breathes and leans her head back, closing her eyes.
“You get any sleep in there? Those benches still hard as fuck?” I chuckle because I've spent a few nights in those tiny fucking bare bones cells.
“Didn't sit much. I was with Sarah and two other drunks from town. One kept peeing on himself, and me and Sarah stayed in opposite corners. It was a long night, Chase. It's been a long few weeks.”
“Tell me about it.” I huff and grit my teeth. I don't want to fight with her. Hell, I'm still not sure if I should be here with her, but I am because I want to. “Here we are,” I mutter, pulling into the almost bare parking lot. “I think they're open...” I glance around, trying to see the sign but there's nothing saying their hours.
She pushes her door open and slides out of the truck, braiding her hair over her shoulder. “I'd say I need coffee, but I think I need sleep,” she mumbles, headed for the door.
“I can take you home,” I blurt.
This morning already feels like it's not going to go like I had hoped. She's a damn walking zombie and I really hope it's just the lack of sleep making her this way.
“Oh no.” She chuckles, gesturing me to an open booth. “I've been trying like hell to talk to you, we're talking before you leave town.” She slides into the booth, her easy mention of me leaving hurts. Not because I'm leaving, but because she's showing no emotion to it all. She doesn't fucking care. Maybe she hasn't changed any.
“Coffee for both of us, please,” I tell the waitress when she comes by for our drink order. Kaydence smiles that perfected smile of hers and glances down at the menu. “I know what I'm getting, so when you're ready we can order.” My hands are fucking jittery so I slide them under the table so she can't see how this is affecting me.
“I know what I want.” She smiles over at me and I can't help but smile back.
“Yeah? One of everything on the menu?”
She hums and her eyes drift down to the menu, that smile sitting tight. “I don't want you to leave, Chase.” Her tone is loud, confident, and like she doesn't give a shit if the three waitresses in this empty diner hears us.
“You're probably the only one here that doesn't,” I mutter, immediately kicking myself for that reply.
She's finally giving me something and I'm just smashing it because I'm hurt.
“Well...I'm the only one that matters.” She holds her head high.
I nod. I want to spit back that she doesn't get to say things like that. I want to scream at her for all these mixed signals. It's like she enjoys fucking with my heart. Like it's fucking fun. I lock eyes with her and the flutter in the pit of my stomach that happened that very first time I ever looked into those green eyes starts up but this time I don't tamp it down.
“You were,” I whisper and she sighs.
“I want to matter again, Chase.” The waitress walks up with our coffee and Kaydence sits back. “Thank you. I'm going to have the blueberry pancakes, extra bacon, no eggs.”
“I'll have the loaded hash browns,” I say, then hand her the menu and grab the cream for my coffee, unable to look at Kaydence because if I get lost in those eyes again I'll lose all control.
“Chase,” Kaydence says when the waitress walks away. “Look at me.”
Goddammit.
I move my eyes to hers and shake my head. “Kay, I've never been ruined so bad before,” I utter. “I can't go through that again. I won't do that to myself.”
“I was seven when my dad killed himself. He was a good dad, but always tired. We didn't have family vacations, or even much family time because he was tired so often. My sister told me he was sick and I just assumed sick like my first grade best friend's dad. He had cancer, so I just assumed so did my dad. My mom took us to visit Uncle Garrison for a long weekend and we came home to my dad dead on the couch. He died of cancer. At least that's what I thought until Andrea explained it to me when I was ten. He overdosed on pills. He killed himself. My sister only got worse with her weird moods after he died. It took a while for me to realize it wasn't a weird mood, it was sadness and that's why my mom made us take medicine everyday. It was to fix the sadness. Finally I realized it wasn't sadness, it was depression and it tore my sister apart. It just...ruined her.” Her eyes stay focused on the table and the look on her face is like she's telling a horror story. “It was bad. She was bad, in a bad place and I went to bed every night scared to death we'd find Andrea like we did my dad. Then I started panicking I would do what my dad did, and I would go...go...crazy! She was going crazy from the depression. I was so scared that'd be me.” Sighing, she closes her eyes. “I lived in fear and bottled up sadness for years because I didn't want to end up like my dad and I didn't want to go through the hell my sister did. My mom said the medication would save me and I believed her because the doctor said it was true, or so I thought. She never got a clinical diagnosis for me and Tyler approving the depression pills. She just self-medicated us. I was gullible, I was scared, I still am.” Her eyes dart to mine. “But I'd rather admit to being afraid of losing you than actually lose you for good. So here I am. I love you, Chase, and I'll fight as hard as I have to because happiness is a choice and I choose you. And the reasons for our breakup were because...because I needed help.” With a meek smile, she shrugs. “Save me.”
I'm trapped in her gaze, but I blink a few times. I try to stop the pain from radiating through me, but all there is is hurt for this beautifully broken girl in front of me. Hurt. Love. Pain. Sadness. That's the most she'
s ever opened up to me. I fucking begged her to weeks ago and she wouldn't. But now that I know, I understand everything a hundred times over. Everything makes sense.
“The tattoo,” I whisper, looking at her with a knot in my throat. “I didn't want to press about it. Maybe I should have.” The waitress brings us our food and I stare down at my plate. “You know my dad left us when I was in third grade? No reason other than he was done. My mom said he bottled too much up. Held too much inside. He always was happy. Had time for everyone. Never had a bad thing to say about anyone...” I shrug. “Everyone's got their demons, Kay. You can't let them define you.”
“They don't. I like being happy, but I hate pretending like I feel nothing but happiness. I hate it, and I hate I've been doing it for years. I have more feelings than happiness.” She chuckles and starts pouring syrup over her pancakes. “And I'm not going to bottle them anymore, but I really am a happy person, and if you can't...if you don't like that about me...well, I can't change that.”
“That's the problem,” I say. “There's nothing about you that I didn't love. I loved the happiness. I loved the positivity.” I let out a frustrated sigh, the elephant in the room growing too big to ignore anymore. “The pills?” I finally whisper, not having touched my food yet.
“I'm done with the pills. I don't need them. At least not that I realize yet.” She smirks. “I was taking those pills for eighteen years. They were...me. They were what was protecting me from ending up like my dad and sister. They were a lie and I just need...” She looks from my food to my face. “You. I want you.”
“You had me, Kaydence.” I shake my head and shove a bite in my mouth, almost gagging because food is the last thing my body wants. She's turned me into a fucking pussy! “I need you to love yourself the way you should. Not because of anyone else, or anything else. And I need you not to rely on someone else or something else for your own happiness.” Fuck me I sound like a goddamned Hallmark card.
Her eyes narrow at me and she takes a bite of her pancakes. “I'm making a choice. The pills weren't a choice. The pills were a need. At least that's what I thought. You're a choice. I choose you over the pills.”
I close my eyes and grit my teeth. She didn't fucking choose me over the pills. She realized the pills were gone, went through withdrawals, and then decided she missed me. Fuck!
“Yeah,” I mutter. “Well I'm glad you're done with those things. I'm happy you realized you didn't need them.” I toss my fork on the table and finish my coffee in one gulp. “When you're finished eating I can get you home. I'm sure you want a shower and a good eight hours of sleep.”
Her fingers curl around her fork and she looks like she wants to stab me with it. “I want you to listen to me. Tell me our relationship wasn't real, that it wasn't all I made it out to be and I'll leave you the hell alone. Tell me you don't still love me, Chase. Because I know you wouldn't be sitting here with me right now if you didn't. I'm not here as a friend. I'm here fighting and until you tell me, I won't stop. Take me home.” She stands. “I'll give you the time you need. I had to fix myself before I could fix us.”
I stand and look her in the eyes. The urge to bring my fingers to her chin is strong but I fight back. She had time to fix herself. To fix her life. All I've done in the past few weeks is ruin mine. Being this close to her, after what feels like an entire lifetime away... God, it feels good.
“Did you call Jo letting her know you won't be in today?” I'm trying to make small talk on the drive back to her place but it feels weird. Wrong. Like the only thing we should be talking about is us but I don't know what to say.
“No, I'll still be there. First client isn't until noon. I have time to shower.” She yawns, covering her mouth.
“You need sleep, Kaydence.” I furrow my brows. “My guess is she's already got wind of your night last night. I'm sure she'll understand.”
“I've missed more work than I care to admit the last couple of weeks. And you need not worry about me at all until you're ready to worry about me completely again.” She glances at me and my eyebrows shoot up. All I can do is nod. I do fucking care about her. I never stopped caring about her, that's the goddamned problem.
“Okay,” I mutter, gripping the steering wheel tighter. I don't want to fight with her. But I need some time to think about this.
“Thank you for being there. And for driving me home.” She touches my arm as I pull up to the ranch. “Maybe I'll text you later?”
“Maybe I'll respond this time.” I wink at her and glance down to where her hand is still on my skin. “Try to get some rest before work, okay?”
She leans over and kisses my cheek before hopping out. “Bye, Chase.”
The front door closes behind her and I yank my phone out of my pocket, removing the block from her number. I should just get the fuck out of this truck and go in there. But I don't. I put the truck in drive and pull away from her house. Jo's on the front porch of their house as I drive by but I don't stop. I need to get home to think about everything. Kaydence ruined me. And now she's walking back in expecting me to forget about the last few weeks.
And I don't know if I can do that.
By the next day, I haven't heard from her and I'm starting to become addicted to my phone, and I need to cut that shit out. I'm a grown man who's acting like a fucking dumbass teenager, but I miss the morning texts with her. I miss the funny memes. I miss random selfies, even of the fucking horses. I miss fucking everything about her.
I groan, pulling up the house I have an offer on in Florida, and stare at the screen. Mother fucking Florida. Far enough away from this place to never be reminded of the hurt. There's an email waiting from my real estate agent saying they declined my first offer and he's waiting to see if I want to counter.
Do I?
My phone dings as I sit here, staring at the screen. The house is beautiful. Huge. Open. New. And affordable. It'd be a huge upgrade from what I'm in right now. Plus, there's a shop already asking for me to come work for them. Closing out the screen, a smile pulls at my lips when I see the ding was because Kaydence text me.
Kaydence: Because I can't and don't want to get my brother's opinion, red or green?
There's a picture of a holiday bra and panty set on my screen. Only thing that would make this better is if she were in them. I think she's trying to end me. That's all this is. It's one big fucking tease.
Chase: Both.
My smile goes wider when I see those dancing dots at the bottom of our messages. I've never anticipated a text so much in my life.
Kaydence: I can only afford one. Green goes better with my hair?
Chase: Green then. To match your eyes. Why are you shopping? Shouldn't you be working?
I glance at the clock and it's already afternoon. I should get down and open the shop up. But I really don't have it in me today. There's no appointments I know about so I pull the app up on my phone and make sure no one's booked through the godforsaken online scheduling.
Kaydence: I don't work on Sundays anymore. Busy? Want to have a mall date?
I smirk.
Chase: That sounds like torture.
Kaydence: Spending time with me never tortured you before
The eye roll emoji after her sentence makes me smirk. That emoji probably has never been used in her phone before.
Chase: Shopping for sexy panties with you? Torture. The best kind.
I send a winking face along with it and run my hands down my face. What the hell am I doing?
Kaydence: If I had a reliable shopping partner, I could have put them on and gotten his opinion on the spot. I have a few more stores to hit... The offer still stands. And I'll buy you a pretzel!
Chase: You know my weakness. I'll be there as soon as I can.
I shower and pull on a clean outfit. The entire drive, I'm at war in my head. Because I want her. Bad. But...I don't fucking know anymore. I realize halfway there that I never replied to my agent on the house and he needed an answer by three today. Which mea
ns I'm probably going to lose the grip I had on the beach house. And I'm not sure that even matters anymore.
I get to the mall and shoot her a text.
Chase: Are you finished shopping yet? Traffic sucked.
Kaydence: In the food court by the Chinese Panda
Chase: That's racist.
Kaydence: It's the Chinese restaurant!
The six laughing emojis after make me chuckle.
Chase: I'll be there soon. I'm parked by the fat kid.
Kaydence: That's rude!
Chase: #harshtruths
I walk through the mall, past the restaurant I parked by and chuckle at the massive statue of the kid that's apparently their mascot. When I make it to the food court I slow my steps when I see her. She's got a grin on her face, her hair in a messy bun, and she's furiously typing something out on her phone. When my phone dings I smirk, glancing down at it.
Kaydence: Hurry there's a mom feeding her kid like a baby bird. You've got to see this!
I bark out a laugh and her head swings up and when she sees me a huge smile breaks out on her face, then she nods at the table to the left of her. She's not fucking joking. Now all I want to do is get a video of it. I could be a fucking Internet star for getting this shit on camera. I walk over to Kaydence and want to lean in and press my lips to hers, but I don't. Because that's not my place anymore. I push away the thought, because at this rate it's my sole fault it's not my place.
“Hey,” I say, shoving my hands in my pockets nervously. “Been here long?”
“Yes, but watch, watch!” she whispers in excitement and grabs my arm before looking at the kid who's gagging on his mom's chewed up food. Kaydence throws her head back in laughter and wipes at the tears in her eyes. “That poor boy.”
“I think I'm going to throw up if you make me watch that again,” I whisper in her ear. Fuck she smells good.
“Let me chew up your food, Chase.” She grabs a pretzel bite and puts it in her mouth before grabbing my shoulders. I dodge my head as she's laughing, trying to come at my face chewing this pretzel but she grips my head and holds me still. She doesn't spit it into my mouth though, just a soft kiss before she pulls away. “Thanks for coming. You hungry?”