‘You want I should —ing scrag him?’
‘Leave him,’ said Mr Pin. ‘I think I’m going to be nice to people today.’
He had to hand it to Mr Slant. When the New Firm stepped into his office the lawyer looked up and his expression barely flickered.
‘Gentlemen?’ he said.
‘Don’t press a —ing thing,’ said Mr Tulip.
‘There’s something you should know,’ said Mr Pin, pulling a box out of his jacket.
‘And what is that?’ said Mr Slant.
Mr Pin flicked a catch on the side of the box.
‘Let’s hear about yesterday,’ he said.
The imp blinked.
‘… nyip … nyapnyip … nyapdit … nyip …’ it said.
‘It’s just working its way backwards,’ said Mr Pin.
‘What is this?’ said the lawyer.
‘… nyapnyip … sipnyap … nip … is valuable, Mr Pin. So I will not spin this out. What did you do with the dog?’ Mr Pin’s finger touched another lever. ‘… wheedlewheedle whee … My … clients have long memories and deep pockets. Other killers can be hired. Do you understand me?’
There was a tiny ‘Ouch’ as the Off lever hit the imp on the head.
Mr Slant got up and walked across to an ancient cabinet.
‘Would you like a drink, Mr Pin? I am afraid I have only embalming fluid …’
‘Not yet, Mr Slant.’
‘… and I think I probably have a banana somewhere …’
Mr Slant turned, smiling beatifically, at the sound of the smack of Mr Pin catching Mr Tulip’s arm.
‘I told you I’m gonna —ing kill him—’
‘Too late, alas,’ said the lawyer, sitting down again. ‘Very well, Mr Pin. This is about money, is it?’
‘All we’re owed, plus another fifty thousand.’
‘But you haven’t found the dog.’
‘Nor have the Watch. And they’ve got a werewolf. Everyone’s looking for the dog. The dog’s gone. But that doesn’t matter. This little box matters.’
‘That is very little in the way of evidence …’
‘Really? You asking us about the dog? Talking about killers? I reckon that Vimes character will niggle away at something like that. He doesn’t sound like the sort to let things go.’ Mr Pin smiled humourlessly. ‘You’ve got stuff on us but, well, between you and me,’ he leaned closer, ‘some of the things we’ve done might be considered, well, tantamount to crimes—’
‘All them —ing murders, for a start,’ said Mr Tulip, nodding.
‘Which, since we are criminals, could be called typical behaviour. Whereas,’ Pin went on, ‘you’re a respectable citizen. Doesn’t look good, respectable citizens getting involved in this sort of thing. People talk.’
‘To save … misunderstandings,’ said Mr Slant, ‘I will do you a draft of—’
‘Jewels,’ said Mr Pin.
‘We like jewels,’ said Mr Tulip.
‘You have made copies of that … thing?’ said Slant.
‘I’m not saying anything,’ said Mr Pin, who hadn’t and didn’t even know how. But he took the view that Mr Slant was in no position to be other than cautious, and it looked as though Mr Slant thought so too.
‘I wonder if I can trust you?’ said Mr Slant, as if to himself.
‘Well, you see, it’s like this,’ said Mr Pin, as patiently as he could. His head was feeling worse. ‘If news got around that we’d shopped a client, that wouldn’t be good. People would say, you can’t trust a person of that kind of ilk. They do not know how to behave. But if the people we deal with heard we’d scragged a client because the client had not played fair, then they would say to themselves, these are businessmen. They are businesslike. They do business …’
He stopped and looked at the shadows in the corner of the room.
‘And?’ said Mr Slant.
‘And … and … the hell with this,’ said Mr Pin, blinking and shaking his head. ‘Give us the jewels, Slant, or Mr Tulip’ll do the asking, understand? We’re getting out of here, with your damn dwarfs and vampires and trolls and dead men walking. This city gives me the creeps! So give me the diamonds! Right now!’
‘Very well,’ said Mr Slant. ‘And the imp?’
‘It goes with us. We get caught, it gets caught. We die mysteriously, then … some people find out about things. When we are safely away … you’re in no position to argue, Slant.’ Mr Pin shuddered. ‘I am not having a good day!’
Mr Slant pulled open a desk drawer and tossed three small velvet bags on to the leather top. Mr Pin mopped his brow with a handkerchief.
‘Take a look at ’em, Mr Tulip.’
There was a pause while both men watched Mr Tulip pour the gems into one enormous palm. He scrutinized several through an eyeglass. He sniffed at them. He gingerly licked one or two.
Then he picked four out of the heap and tossed them back to the lawyer.
‘You think I’m some kind of a —ing idiot?’ he said.
‘Don’t even think of arguing,’ said Mr Pin.
‘Perhaps the jewellers made a mistake,’ said Mr Slant.
‘Yeah?’ said Mr Pin. His hand darted into his jacket again, but this time came out holding a weapon.
Mr Slant looked into the muzzle of a spring-gonne. It was technically and legally a crossbow, in that human strength compressed the spring, but it had been reduced by patient technology to a point where it was more or less a pipe with a handle and a trigger. Anyone caught with one by the Assassins’ Guild, it was rumoured, would find its ability to be hidden on the human body tested to extremes; any city watch that found one used against them would see to it that the offender’s feet did not touch the ground but instead swung gently as the breeze pushed them around.
There must have been a switch in this desk, too. A door flew open and two men burst in, one armed with two long knives, one with a crossbow.
It was quite horrible, what Mr Tulip did to them.
It was, in its way, a kind of skill. When an armed man runs into a room in the knowledge that there is trouble he needs a fraction of a second to assess, to decide, to calculate, to think. Mr Tulip didn’t need a fraction of a second. He didn’t think. His hands moved by themselves.
It required, even for the calculating eyes of Mr Slant, a mental action replay. And even in the slow-mo of horror, it was hard to see Mr Tulip grab the nearest chair and swing it. At the end of the blur two men lay unconscious, one with an arm twisted in a disconcerting way, and a knife was shuddering in the ceiling.
Mr Pin hadn’t turned round. He kept the gonne pointed at the zombie. But he produced from a pocket a small cigarette lighter in the shape of a dragon, and then Mr Slant … Mr Slant, who crackled when he walked and smelled of dust … Mr Slant saw, wrapped around the evil little bolt that just projected from the tube, a wad of cloth.
Without taking his eyes off the lawyer Mr Pin applied the flame. The cloth flared. And Mr Slant was very dry indeed.
‘This is a bad thing I’m about to do,’ Pin said, as if hypnotized. ‘But I’ve done so many bad things, this one’ll hardly count. It’s like … a killing is a big thing, but another killing, that’s kind of half the size. You know? So it’s, like, when you’ve done twenty killings, they barely notice, on average. But … it’s a nice day today, the birds is singing, there’s stuff like … kittens and stuff, and the sun is shining off the snow, bringin’ the promise of spring to come, with flowers, and fresh grass, and more kittens and hot summer days an’ the gentle kiss of the rain and wonderful clean things which you won’t ever see if you don’t give us what’s in that drawer ’cos you’ll burn like a torch you double-dealing twisty dried-up cheating son of a bitch!’
Mr Slant scrabbled in the drawer and threw down another velvet bag. Glancing nervously at his partner, who’d never even mentioned kittens before except in the same sentence as ‘water barrel’, Mr Tulip took it and examined the contents.
‘Rubies,’ he said. ‘—ing good o
nes.’
‘Now go away from here,’ rasped Mr Slant. ‘Right away. Never come back. I’ve never heard of you. I’ve never seen you.’
He stared at the spluttering flame.
Mr Slant had faced many bad things in the last few hundred years, but right now nothing seemed more menacing than Mr Pin. Or more erratically deranged, either. The man was swaying, and his gaze kept flickering into the shadowy corners of the room.
Mr Tulip shook his partner’s shoulder. ‘Let’s —ing scrag him and go?’ he suggested.
Pin blinked. ‘Right,’ he said, appearing to return to his own head. ‘Right.’ He glanced at the zombie. ‘I think I shall let you live today,’ he said, blowing out the flame. ‘Tomorrow … who knows?’
It wasn’t a bad threat, but somehow his heart wasn’t in it.
Then the New Firm had gone.
Mr Slant sat down and stared at the closed door. It was clear to him, and a dead man has experience in these matters, that his two armed clerks, veterans of many a legal battle, were beyond help. Mr Tulip was an expert.
He took a sheet of writing paper from a drawer, wrote a few words in block letters, sealed it in an envelope and sent for another clerk.
‘Have arrangements made,’ he said, when the man stared at his fallen colleagues, ‘and then take this to de Worde.’
‘Which one, sir?’
For a moment Mr Slant had forgotten that point.
‘Lord de Worde,’ he said. ‘Definitely not the other one.’
William de Worde turned a page in his notebook and continued to scribble. The crew were watching him as if he was a public entertainment.
‘That’s a grand gift you have there, sur,’ said Arnold Sideways. ‘It does the heart good to see the pencil waggling like that. I wish I had the knowing of it, but I’ve never been mechanical.’
‘Would you care for a cup of tea?’ said the Duck Man.
‘You drink tea down here?’
‘Of course. Why not? What kind of people do you think we are?’ The Duck Man held up a blackened teapot and a rusty mug with an inviting smile.
It was probably a good moment to be polite, thought William. Besides, the water would have been boiled, wouldn’t it?
‘… no milk, though,’ he said quickly. He could imagine what the milk would be like.
‘Ah, I said you were a gentleman,’ said the Duck Man, pouring a tarry brown liquid into the mug. ‘Milk in tea is an abomination.’ He picked up, with a dainty gesture, a plate and pair of tongs. ‘Slice of lemon?’ he added.
‘Lemon? You have lemon?’
‘Oh, even Mr Ron here would rather wash under his arms than have anything but lemon in his tea,’ said the Duck Man, plopping a slice into William’s mug.
‘And four sugars,’ said Arnold Sideways.
William took a deep draught of the tea. It was thick and stewed, but it was also sweet and hot. And slightly lemony. All in all, he considered, it could have been much worse.
‘Yes, we’re very fortunate when it comes to slices of lemon,’ said the Duck Man, busily fussing over the tea things. ‘Why, it is indeed a bad day when we can’t find two or three slices floating down the river.’
William stared fixedly at the river wall.
Spit or swallow, he thought, the eternal conundrum.
‘Are you all right, Mr de Worde?’
‘Mmf.’
‘Too much sugar?’
‘Mmf.’
‘Not too hot?’
William gratefully sprayed the tea in the direction of the river.
‘Ah!’ he said. ‘Yes! Too hot! That’s what it was! Too hot! Lovely tea but – too hot! I’ll just put the rest down here by my foot to cool down, shall I?’
He snatched up his pencil and pad.
‘So … er, Wuffles, which man was it that you bit on the leg?’
Wuffles barked.
‘He bit all of them,’ said the voice of Deep Bone. ‘When you’re biting, why stop?’
‘Would you know them if you bit them again?’
‘He says he would. He says the big man tasted of … you know …’ Deep Bone paused, ‘like a … wossname … big, big bowl with hot water and soap in it.’
‘A bath?’
Wuffles growled.
‘That’d … be the word,’ said Deep Bone. ‘An’ the other one smelled of cheap hair oil. And the one who looked like G— like Lord Vetinari, he smelled of wine.’
‘Wine?’
‘Yes. Wuffles also says he’d like to apologize for biting you just now, but he got carried away with the recollection. We— that is to say, dogs have very physical memories, if you see what I mean.’
William nodded and rubbed his leg. The description of the invasion of the Oblong Office had been carried out in a succession of yelps, barks and growls, with Wuffles running around in circles and snapping at his own tail until he bumped into William’s ankle.
‘And Ron’s been carrying him around in his coat ever since?’
‘No one bothers Foul Ole Ron,’ said Deep Bone.
‘I believe you,’ said William. He nodded at Wuffles.
‘I want to get an iconograph of him,’ he said. ‘This is … amazing stuff. But we must have a picture to prove I’ve really talked to Wuffles. Well … via an interpreter, obviously. I wouldn’t want people to think this is one of the Inquirer’s stupid “talking dog” stories …’
There was some muttering amongst the crew. The request was not being favourably received.
‘This is a select neighbourhood, you know,’ said the Duck Man. ‘We don’t allow just anybody down here.’
‘But there’s a path running right under the bridge!’ said William. ‘Anyone could walk right past!’
‘Werll, yerss,’ said Coffin Henry. ‘They could.’ He coughed and spat with great expertise into the fire. ‘Only they don’t no more.’
‘Bugrit,’ explained Foul Ole Ron. ‘Choking a tinker? Garn! I told ’em. Millennium hand and shrimp!’
‘Then you’d better come back to the office with me,’ said William. ‘After all, you’ve been carrying him around while you’ve been selling the papers, haven’t you?’
‘Too dangerous now,’ said Deep Bone.
‘Would it be less dangerous for another fifty dollars?’ said William.
‘Another fifty dollars?’ said Arnold Sideways. ‘That’ll make it fifteen dollars!’
‘A hundred dollars,’ said William wearily. ‘You do realize, don’t you, that this is in the public interest?’
The crew craned their necks.
‘Don’t see anyone watching,’ said Coffin Henry.
William stepped forward, quite accidentally knocking over his tea.
‘Come on, then,’ he said.
Mr Tulip was beginning to worry now. This was unusual. In the area of worry, he had tended to be the cause rather than the recipient. But Mr Pin was not acting right, and since Mr Pin was the man who did the thinking this was a matter of some concern. Mr Tulip was good at thinking in split-seconds, and when it came to art appreciation he could easily think in centuries, but he was not happy over middle distances. He needed Mr Pin for that.
But Mr Pin was talking to himself, and kept staring at shadows.
‘We’ll be heading off now?’ said Mr Tulip, in the hope of directing matters. ‘We’ve got the —ing payment with a —ing big bonus, no —ing point in hanging around?’
He was also worried about the way Mr Pin had acted with the —ing lawyer. It wasn’t like him to point a weapon at someone and then not use it. The New Firm didn’t go round threatening people. They were the threat. All that —ing stuff about ‘letting you live for today’ … that was amateur stuff.
‘I said, are we heading—’
‘What do you think happens to people when they die, Tulip?’
Mr Tulip was taken aback. ‘What kind of —ing question is that? You know what happens!’
‘Do I?’
‘Certainly. Remember when we had to leave
that guy in that —ing barn and it was a week before we got to bury him properly? Remember how his—’
‘I don’t mean bodies!’
‘Ah. Religion stuff, then?’
‘Yes!’
‘I never worry about that —ing stuff.’
‘Never?’
‘Never —ing give it a thought. I’ve got my potato.’
Then Mr Tulip found that he’d walked a few feet alone, because Mr Pin had stopped dead.
‘Potato?’
‘Oh, yeah. Keep it on a string round my neck.’ Mr Tulip tapped his huge chest.
‘And that’s religious?’
‘Well, yeah. If you’ve got your potato when you die, everything will be okay.’
‘What religion is that?’
‘Dunno. Never ran across it outside our village. I was only a kid. I mean, it’s like gods, right? When you’re a kid, they say “that’s God, that is”. Then you grow up and you find there’s —ing millions of ’em. Same with religion.’
‘And it’s all okay if you have a potato when you die?’
‘Yep. You’re allowed to come back and have another life.’
‘Even if …’ Mr Pin swallowed, for he was in territory which had never before existed on his internal atlas, ‘… even if you’ve done things which people might think were bad?’
‘Like chopping up people and —ing shovin’ ’em off cliffs?’
‘Yeah, that kind of thing …’
Mr Tulip sniffed, causing his nose to flash. ‘We-ell, it’s okay so long as you’re really —ing sorry about it.’
Mr Pin was amazed, and a little suspicious. But he could feel things … catching up. There were faces in the darkness and voices on the cusp of hearing. He dared not turn his head now, in case he saw anything behind him.
You could buy a sack of potatoes for a dollar.
‘It works?’ he said.
‘Sure. Back home people’d been doing it for hundreds of —ing years. They wouldn’t be doing it if it didn’t —ing work, would they?’
‘Where was that?’
Mr Tulip tried to concentrate on this question, but there were many scabs in his memory.
‘There was … forests,’ he said. ‘And … bright candles,’ he muttered. ‘An’ … secrets,’ he added, staring into nothing.
‘And potatoes?’
Truth Page 27