by Sarah Morgan
“I think you should consider the possibility that you can make a mistake and still be a good doctor.” Dr. Braithwaite pushed the box of tissues closer to her. “Admitting that you need help isn’t a weakness.”
“I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was a child. Every exam I worked for has been leading me here. I have slogged and sacrificed, and now I’m questioning the whole thing.”
“Because you believe you made a mistake?”
“Not only that. I think—” she swallowed “—I think maybe I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“And that scares you?”
“Of course.” Because if she wasn’t a doctor, who was she? Katie stared at the paperweight on the doctor’s desk. “I’ve never felt like this before. I’m worried that I’m going to unravel and it’s not going to be pretty.”
“And what would happen if you did ‘unravel’? Why would that matter?”
“Because people rely on me.” She thought about her mother, and all the worry she’d had with Rosie. She’d be appalled if she knew how bad her elder daughter was feeling. “I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I’ve got this. I need—” She slumped in her chair. “I don’t know what I need. I don’t suppose you have a magic potion?”
Dr. Braithwaite was thoughtful. “You didn’t take a single day off after what happened?”
“I took a couple of hours while I was being stitched up, and I’ve had a couple of physio appointments since then which don’t seem to make a difference. I had to talk to the police of course, but other than that, no.” Katie shook her head. “I’m better keeping busy.”
“Maybe not.” Dr. Braithwaite reached for a notepad. “Are you working over Christmas?”
“No, I’m off from tomorrow and back to work on New Year’s Eve.”
“You won’t be working New Year’s Eve. I’m signing you off until the middle of January. That gives you a month.”
Katie sat up with a gasp. “You—a month? I can’t be away from work for a month. Even taking an hour out for this appointment has created extra work for my colleagues. We’re already stretched to the breaking point in the department, and winter is coming, and—”
“Dr. White—Katie—” Her voice gentled. “Have you heard the phrase physician, heal thyself?”
“Yes, but there’s nothing wrong with me. My shoulder has healed perfectly well and so has my head.” Apart from the constant throbbing, and the nightmares.
“Those aren’t the injuries that concern me.” The doctor scribbled something. “I’d like you to talk to one of my colleagues. A psychologist who specializes in dealing with traumatic events. She’s very good at what she does.”
“I don’t want to spend my time talking about something I want to forget.”
“That’s your decision, but I’m giving you her number anyway and I suggest you call her.” Dr. Braithwaite tore the paper from the pad and handed it over. Then she tapped some keys on the computer and printed out a prescription. “I’m giving you a short course of antidepressants. I think they may help you handle this acute phase. Come back to me in the middle of January and we’ll talk again.”
Katie took the prescription, even though she knew it was going straight into a drawer. She didn’t know what she needed, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t antidepressants. “Thanks.”
Dr. Braithwaite put her pen down. “Are you going away over Christmas? In my opinion you need a complete break, away from London. Time to recharge.”
“As it happens I’m going to Colorado. I need to—” She almost said stop my sister getting married, and then realized how that would sound to someone who didn’t know her. It had sounded bad enough to Vicky who did know her. “My sister is getting married and I need to be there to support her.” She expected the doctor to smile and say all the usual things about how exciting and what fun.
She didn’t.
“So you’ll be focusing on her, and her needs and your days will be busy again. I want you to focus on your own needs for once, Katie. You need time to think.”
She didn’t want time to think. “You want me to tell my little sister I can’t go to her wedding?”
“No, but I want you to carve out some time for yourself. On reflection, maybe the Rockies in winter is exactly what you need.” Dr. Braithwaite tapped her fingers on the desk as she studied Katie. “Mountains. Snow. Fresh air. It might be good for you.”
Katie wasn’t convinced. Having made a fool of herself and howled in front of Dr. Braithwaite who was a total stranger, how was she going to hold it together with her family?
Her mother would notice right away that something was wrong, which was why Katie had been avoiding her. Fortunately, she hadn’t been able to book the same flight as them, so she was traveling separately a day later. She felt guilty about that, too, because her mother wasn’t so much a nervous flyer as a terrified flyer and Katie probably should have been there to help, but it wasn’t her fault that there were no seats.
She had a long flight to pull herself together and produce a convincing act.
And maybe she did need to give some thought to her own approach to life. Maybe it was okay to fail in some circumstances, but not this circumstance.
She had a family to fool and a wedding to stop.
Rosie
Rosie stood in the arrivals hall of the airport, craning her neck to see her parents.
Dan stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her to stop her being jostled by the crowd. “Do you know that you always bite your lip when you’re nervous or excited?”
“I do not bite my lip.” She stopped biting her lip.
“You don’t even know you’re doing it. Also, you hug yourself and there’s no need because you have me to hug you now.” As if to prove it, Dan tightened his grip. “I haven’t seen you this stressed. Is this what your family does to you?”
“Being around them always makes me a little anxious.”
“I’d noticed. By the way, you might want to take off your earring.”
She turned her head to look at him. “You don’t like my earrings?”
“I love your earrings, but you’re only wearing one of them.” He gave her a wicked grin. “I suspect the other is back home somewhere in our bed.”
She gasped and lifted her hand to her ear. It was bare. “It must have fallen out when we—”
He covered her lips with his fingers. “Small children within earshot.”
“We were so late leaving, I didn’t even check.”
“We were a little distracted.” He kissed her jaw. “Don’t worry. At least you remembered pants.”
She gave him a shove with one hand, and removed her one earring with the other. “I’m relieved you noticed. I’d rather not greet my parents looking as if I just climbed out of bed, thank you.” She turned back to look at the throng of people. “Where are they?”
“Probably stuck in immigration. Or waiting for baggage. You need to chill.”
She didn’t know how to “chill.” That word didn’t appear in her vocabulary.
He should know that. He should know everything about her, surely? How else could he possibly be sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her?
A person should know what they were committing to. At what stage does what you know become enough?
Oh stop it, Rosie!
She was hearing the voices of her family even though they hadn’t even arrived yet.
She wished she’d never talked to Katie. What if they embarrassed her in front of Dan?
She wished she could inject herself with something and kill all the little doubts that were multiplying in her mind. Right now, her focus should be on her parents. Her mother would probably be a nervous wreck after the flight, and that was assuming her father had managed to get her on the flight in the first place. What if he hadn’t?
May
be they were still in Heathrow.
Her imagination took a long-haul flight of its own with no stopovers. She pictured her mother collapsing at the departure gate and having to be sedated. Or, worse, being midair and trying to claw her way out of the plane.
“Can you open the door of a plane when it’s in the air?”
“No, of course not.”
“Why ‘of course’?”
“Because the cabin is pressurized, and the internal pressure is higher than the external pressure. The differential air pressure would mean you’re pulling over a thousand pounds—not possible. It’s physics.”
Rosie hated physics. “My area of expertise is folklore and mythology, so there is no reason why I should know that.”
He let go of her and turned her around to face him. “Why are you asking? Does your mom have a habit of trying to open plane doors midflight?”
“No.” But that was because her mother avoided flying whenever possible. “My mother hates flying.”
“If she hated it that much, she wouldn’t have come.”
“You don’t know my mother. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for my sister and me.” And Rosie was feeling increasingly guilty for dragging her mother away from home at Christmas. She loved Christmas and always made such a fuss of everyone. “She’s always been there for us, no matter what.”
“And this is your wedding! I’m sure she’s happy and excited for you.”
Rosie wasn’t sure of that at all. She was starting to feel a little sick. What was it about her family that made her revert to child mode? “What if they never made the flight?”
“Then your dad would have called.”
“Do you have to be so logical?”
He smiled. “Yes, it’s part of who I am, you know that.”
“I do know that.” She said it firmly, to remind herself that there were in fact plenty of things she knew about him. She knew he was passionate about health and fitness, having lost his dad to a heart attack when he was twenty. She knew he preferred reading nonfiction to fiction, that he absorbed facts like a sponge, and loved the outdoors. And she knew that being with him made her feel as if she could take on the world. He never questioned her competence or decisions. His belief in her had made her start to believe in herself.
“You’re overthinking this. That creative brain of yours is working overtime.” He cupped her face in his hands, his expression kind. “Are you sure this is about your parents? Nothing else? You’ve been getting more and more stressed the last couple of weeks.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“I know you, Rosie.”
Did he? Did he really?
“You can’t arrange a wedding in under a month and not expect a little stress, Dan. That would be unrealistic.”
“So it’s the wedding?” He stroked a strand of hair away from her face. “Not that I’m an expert on weddings, this being my first and only one, but I thought it was supposed to be fun and exciting.”
That was what she’d thought, too, but it turned out they were both wrong.
She didn’t feel giddy with excitement; she had a tension headache.
“Let’s talk about something other than weddings for five minutes.”
“Hey—” he pulled her back into his arms “—it’s going to be okay, I promise. Once your family arrives, you’ll be more relaxed. You’re probably stressed because your sister couldn’t make it out on the same flight. I know you miss her.”
Mmm. Right now she wanted to kill her sister.
Why were relationships so complicated?
“She emailed yesterday. She wants us to share for a few nights so that we can catch up. Is that okay with you? At Christmas we always end up sharing a room. It’s kind of a tradition.”
Dan grinned. “I’m assuming I’m not invited to this sisterly sleepover?”
“You’re not invited, but it’s going to feel weird being separated from you. I’m not sure how I feel about it to be honest.”
Katie had said in her email that she desperately missed girlie gossip and that she wanted a few nights together like they always had at Christmas, but now Rosie was wondering if there was more to the request than an urge for sisterly bonding.
She’d tried calling, but her sister hadn’t answered her phone.
Dan seemed relaxed about it. “It will be fun, and it’s understandable. She hasn’t seen you in ages. She wants to gossip with her little sister.”
Rosie hoped that was all it was.
She almost told him then. She almost told him what Katie had said, and how she’d put doubts in her mind.
But how could she? She didn’t even know if those doubts were real. She didn’t know what she wanted. There was so much she could talk to him about, but not this.
“I hope you like her.” I hope my sister doesn’t subject you to interrogation. What if she did? What if Dan decided it was all too much? Rosie leaned her head against his chest, feeling detached despite the warmth of his arms. It was as if a barrier had somehow appeared between them. One of the things she’d loved about him from the start was how easy he was to talk to, but right now she couldn’t find a way to say what needed to be said. She felt him stroke her hair.
“You’ve talked so much about her, I feel as if I know her already.”
There had been a few things she’d left out. Like the fact that her sister hadn’t sounded thrilled about the wedding. “It’s been an insane few weeks.”
He lifted her face to his. “Mom hasn’t been too overwhelming?”
“Not at all. She’s the kindest person and so generous. I love her.” That was true, even though it was also true that Catherine’s expectations about the wedding added another level of pressure.
“And she loves you.” He smiled as he kissed her. “She told me that if she could have chosen a daughter, she would have chosen you.”
And...more pressure.
Oh this was ridiculous. She needed to tell him about the conversation with Katie. But then he might be mad at Katie, and she couldn’t bear that. She didn’t want to begin a marriage with family tensions.
“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”
“You mean a really deep, dark secret?”
She swallowed. “Yes.”
“Something no one else on the planet knows about me, not even Jordan?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure? Because I have some pretty serious stuff buried in my past.”
Her heart started to pound. Maybe Katie was right. Maybe there were things they didn’t know about each other that really mattered.
“Tell me. You can tell me anything.” And she should be able to tell him anything, shouldn’t she? After he’d made his big confession, whatever that was, she’d tell him straight out about her doubts. Neither of them would be hiding anything.
“It’s pretty shocking.”
“Go on.”
He took a deep breath. “When I was seven I found my Christmas presents under my parents’ bed and opened them all.”
Anxiety turned to relief. “That’s it? Oh, you—” She pushed at his chest and he grinned.
“I told you it was shocking.”
“I’m being serious.”
“This was serious. I was grounded for two weeks. And no, I didn’t get any other gifts that year. That was when I figured out Santa wasn’t real, although I did wonder briefly if maybe he’d paid us an early visit and stored mine under the bed.”
“That’s your deep, dark secret?”
“Yes.” He lowered his head and kissed her briefly. “I don’t have deep, dark secrets, Rosie. I’m pretty straightforward.”
“I know, and I love that about you.” Her heart was still knocking against her ribs. She’d braced herself to hear something awful, and she should have known it would be a joke. He
loved to tease her, and most of the time she loved his brand of teasing. “Here’s something about me that you don’t know—I’m allergic to dogs. And cats.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. My worst asthma attack ever happened when I was staying with a friend who owned a dog. Which basically means I can’t ever own a pet.”
“Damn.” He ran his hand over his face. “Then we’re done. We’re over. Better call Mom and cancel the wedding.”
Her heart almost stopped. “Are you—” she swallowed “—are you serious?”
“No, of course I’m not serious. You should know that.” His expression was midway between amused and exasperated. “What’s wrong with you today?”
“I don’t know. I’m worried you’re going to change your mind, I suppose.”
“I love you, Rosie. You. All of you. No, I didn’t know you were allergic to animals but never mind. We’ll work with it. Do I like dogs? Sure. But I like you more. If marrying you means I have to get my furry animal fix outside the home, then that’s what I’ll do.”
He made everything sound so simple.
“That’s—” she swallowed “—good. Because I thought maybe that if you’d always imagined a family home with a pet, then—”
“I can live without a pet, Rosie.”
“Right. You—you don’t see obstacles, do you?”
He frowned. “That wasn’t an obstacle.”
“It might be, to some people, but that’s what I mean—you don’t see them.” And she loved that about him. “I thought there might be things we don’t know about each other, that’s all.”
“I’m sure there are. But not because we’re keeping secrets. Not because there’s something dark we need to hide. It’s finding out those small things that are going to add to the fun.”
He was so sure of everything. So confident.
It made her feel a little better.
He lowered his head and his lips brushed hers, teasing, seductive, a reminder of what they’d shared the night before and the night before that.
She felt a punch of desire and wrapped her arms around his neck. The sounds of the airport faded into the background and her world was filled with nothing but Dan, his mouth, the sudden blast of heat as his arms locked around her. Her head spun.