by Emma Scott
I changed into flannel pants and a T-shirt, and slid into my bag. We lay in silence staring at the tent roof, a shard of silver starlight our only illumination.
“Holly was right,” I said. “Your voice is beautiful. You could have a solo career if you wanted it.”
She rolled on her side toward me. “If I wanted it…”
“Do you?”
“I don’t know. Just this morning I tried to finish a song I started several years ago. About Chett. I’d written it on the road. All the pain of his ditching me. I squeezed the words from my heart and onto the page. God, the pain had felt so real back then. But when I read them today…they felt empty. Silly, even.” She heaved a sigh. “I guess Chett’s not worth even a song. Ironic, since that’s why I came back to Vegas. To write about him.” She shifted in her bag. “I guess it’s time to find some new material.”
I nodded, struggled for something more to say.
Kacey flopped onto her back. “This tent is the worst.”
“Sorry?”
“This is the worst tent ever,” she said, pointing at the angled nylon roof over our heads. “Look at it. What the hell is the point of sleeping out in nature if you can’t see it?”
“To protect you from the elements,” I said. “Only a thin strip of nylon separates you from rain, wind…sasquatches.”
“Shut up.”
“The worst Mother Nature has to offer.”
“And the best,” she said. “I mean, there’s not even a window to see the stars. Don’t tents usually have a screen or something?”
“Some do,” I said. “This one doesn’t.”
Kacey climbed out of her bag and rolled it up into a sloppy bundle she tucked under her arm.
“Where are you going?”
“I want the stars.” She stopped at the tent flap and looked over her shoulder at me, a question in her eyes.
Are you coming?
She didn’t wait for an answer, but stepped out. To where I had no idea, but if I didn’t follow her, she might get lost in the dark of the forest. At least, that’s what I told myself, as I gathered up my own bag and followed her out.
The ground was cold and hard under my bare feet as I followed the beacon of Kacey’s pale hair through the woods, away from the clearing of dark tents where my friends slept. She followed the creek and I thought I knew where she was going. The only place she knew to go; the clearing near the edge of the valley, about a hundred yards away from the campsite.
Only a few trees edged the clearing, towering columns in the dark. Below, the valley spread out in rolling hills of deep green that looked almost black in the night, and a canopy of stars wheeled overhead like diamonds. The moon was huge and full, and cast silvery light over everything.
She dropped her sleeping bag on the smoothest flat of ground, cushioned by dried pine needles and soft, long grass. She stood a moment, her back to me, slender and luminous in the moonlight. Her head turned, taking in the view of the valley before her, and then tilted up to the stars above. Her shoulders rose and fell with a deep inhale. The breath filled my own lungs, along with a desperate urge to move behind her, hold her body to mine, fist my hand in her hair and kiss the soft skin of her neck.
Kacey shook out her sleeping bag and climbed inside. I laid mine out beside hers, and together we lay on our backs, looking up at the stars.
“So incredibly beautiful,” she said. “Amazing all of this is here, in every night sky, but we rarely see it.” She rolled over in her bag to look at me. “You’re awfully quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?”
You. My thoughts are filled with you. Always.
“Can I tell you what I’m thinking about?” she said before I could answer. “I’m thinking right now, we’re lying here with less than a foot between us, but in separate sleeping bags. Because we’re friends. You’re there, and I’m here, and we’re pretending friendship keeps us at a safe distance.”
My heart began to pound. “I know. I shouldn’t have told you to come back to Vegas. And I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
“I had to come back,” she said. “I never should’ve left. If I’d moved to some other city, I would’ve been alone and miserable and missing you. We lost twelve days when I left. I want that time back and I don’t want to lose any more.”
“Kacey…”
“I can’t keep going on like this, Jonah,” she said, turning to look at me. “As friends. I know I should try, but I can’t. I can’t…not touch you. I want to be able to kiss you if I feel like it, and I think you want that too. Like our first kiss at the casino. It was everything to me. Everything.”
“It was for me too,” I said. “I want to kiss you again. I want to kiss you so bad I can’t breathe. I want to be with you every second of my life but… God, Kacey, how much time is that? How do I put you through that?”
“And what about you? You continue on, alone?” She shook her head. “You can trust me. Trust me when I say I can take it. You and me. I can take it. Whatever happens.”
“I do trust you. My pushing you away was never about mistrusting you. It was me not wanting to hurt you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, since the first moment I saw you. To protect you. To keep you safe.”
She smiled then, her eyes filled with happiness. And God, somehow, even with all the crazy stuff going on in my life, it all boiled down to whether or not Kacey was happy. I wanted to make her happy any way that I could, because that’s what she did for me. Little by little, day by day, like sunlight seeping through the cracks of an abandoned, boarded-up house, Kacey was invading me. Tearing down the shutters, ripping out the boards and letting the light in.
“Come here,” I said.
She wriggled in her sleeping bag for a moment before climbing out of it. My heart stuttered at bare legs, a flash of pink underwear, and the outline of her breasts under her button-down shirt. I held my bag open and she slid in, her body curving perfectly into mine, as right and perfect as our kiss.
She sighed, her breath fluttering as she put her hands on my face. “I’m sorry I left.”
“I told you to go.”
“I should’ve stayed. I never should’ve left at all. And I promise you, Jonah, I’ll never leave you again. Never again.”
“I’m going to leave you,” I said, my voice hardly more than a whisper. The words hung between us, the crux of all our pain and tears and hesitation.
But Kacey smiled—smiled—with brave tears sliding down her cheeks. “Not yet. Not tonight. We might not have months or years, but we have moments. Thousands upon thousands of them. Let’s take each moment, seize it and wring it dry. Okay?”
I gazed down at her. “Okay.”
“This is a good moment,” she whispered.
“One of the best…” I let my head sink down toward hers. Our lips brushed and hers parted for me immediately. Our tongues met and I shuddered as a current raced through me, burning through me like a fuse.
“God,” I whispered against her mouth.
“This,” she breathed back. “This moment.”
She pulled me into her kiss and this one went on and on. She felt perfect beneath me, fit perfectly against me, and our mouths moved in perfect tandem, our tongues sliding and touching so softly. The need that had been growing and simmering between us sparked and caught fire. My hands became greedy. She moaned and pressed herself into my touch, while her own hands roamed—in my hair, down my back, around my waist. She found me hard, and stroked me through my flannel pants.
“Jonah…” She pushed toward me, drawing me close with her leg. “I want to. So much. Can you?”
“Oh, I can,” I said. “And I’m going to.”
She let out a little sound of want into my mouth as I kissed her hard, while my hands sought her breasts under her shirt. The feel of them, the weight of them and her soft skin against my rough palms. All of her, her breath, the scent of her, the way she kissed me… I’d never wanted a woman like this. Ever.
“Don’t stop ki
ssing me,” she whispered against my mouth when I came up for air. “I’ll die if you do…”
My mouth took hers again, while our bodies rocked together, her hips rising to meet mine. I pulled her in tight, grinding down hard, as if we were already naked and I was inside her.
Her fingers struggled with the buttons on her shirt. “Take it off,” she whispered.
I tore it open instead, buttons flying, and she gave a little cry that was half surprise, half want, as her breasts came free. The cold air hardened her nipples immediately and I put my mouth on one, sucking and swirling my tongue. Desire coiled up from my groin to my head. Dizzy with want and need, I moved to the other breast as she arched her back into my mouth.
“Oh God, yes…” Her voice drew out in a hiss and her hand slid under the waistband of my pants. Her fingers closed around my aching erection, stroking me.
“If you keep doing that,” I said, my mouth on her neck, sucking and nipping, “this won’t be a very fun night for you.”
“No,” she said. “You’re going to come with me. We’re going to come together.”
“You’re an optimist.”
“And you’re not naked enough,” she replied. She hauled my T-shirt off and flung it away. Skin to skin, her breasts pressed against my chest. My hands tangled in her hair, holding her head as I kissed the sweet, caramel lusciousness of her mouth.
“I want this…you…” I wanted to feel all her exquisite softness and heat everywhere.
I stripped off my pants and boxers. She wiggled out of her panties and pulled me back to her. Her mouth took mine again and her legs were parting and I was so damn hard…
“Shit, I don’t have anything…”
“My shirt pocket,” she whispered at my neck.
I could’ve wept with relief, but that would’ve taken too long. I fished a condom out of the front pocket of the torn shirt she as still partially wearing and tore off the wrapper. Within seconds, I was ready.
“Jonah,” Kacey whispered, spreading her thighs and taking me in her hand to guide me. “I want you so badly…” The words fell apart as she arched her back and I slid inside her.
I had no words. No thoughts. Only the pure, perfect sensation of her warm, wet tightness taking me in, holding me, squeezing and enveloping me until I was buried as deep as I could go. Then her fingernails dug into my shoulder blades, she tilted her hips, and I was deeper.
“Jesus, Kace,” I groaned. I gripped her hip with one hand, lifting her body to meet mine. Pushing down into her, pressing her into my thrusts, keeping it slow. In the moonlight, her face contorted with pleasure, her eyes shut, mouth open, her throat and back arched to take me all the way every time.
“Jonah,” she breathed. “More…please…”
Her hips rose and fell faster now, and I matched her pace, keeping in tandem without thought. Her legs came up to wrap around my waist, pushing the sleeping bag off of us. I felt no cold. Only her skin on mine, the sweet heat of her body and the sounds of her growing pleasure stifled against my shoulder.
“You feel so good,” I told her, moving faster now. “How can you feel this good?”
“It’s you. God…” Her eyes widened over my shoulder. “You need to see the stars.”
I wrapped my arms around her and rolled to my back, pulling her on top of me. She rose up against the skies, riding me. And holy God, the stars… Millions of them wheeling in a brilliant backdrop to Kacey’s beauty. They were nothing to her. Nothing.
She shrugged out of her torn shirt and flung it away. Her naked skin glowed pale and radiant, the dark ink of her tattoos lacing over her arms like vines. Her breasts, full and beautiful as they rose and fell, her back arched, her hair like white silk spilling down her back.
I fought not to come, clutched at the world to wait for her, to make it as impossibly good for her as I could. Her gasps turned to cries, my whispered name growing louder in her mouth. She leaned back, and put her hands on my thighs behind her, her body arched and opened to me. It did me in. I couldn’t take it anymore. I half-sat up, gripped her hips hard and drove her down as I came up into her, again and again.
“Come, Kace,” I growled through gritted teeth. “Let me see you come.”
She cried out and her body shuddered and clenched tight around me. The sight of her face as she came, the unbelievable beauty of it, the fact that I was making her look like that, bringing her this pleasure, put me over.
I rose up a final time and came harder than I ever had in my life. On and on I came, exploding into Kacey, who was whimpering now, her voice cut to shreds, and then finally to silence broken only by our labored breathing.
Kacey stared down at me, a bewildered smile on her face. Slowly, she sank down on me, her breasts pressed to my heaving chest. She tucked her head under my chin and the softness of her hair fell over my neck. With effort, I lifted my trembling arms and held her, the silken skin of her naked back under my hands. I stared at the canopy of stars overhead, sort of lost myself.
And sort of found.
“You all right?” she whispered.
“Oh yeah.”
“Your heart is beating so fast.”
I slipped my hand between our chests. “So is yours.”
I felt her laugh sigh across my bare skin. “That was unreal,” she whispered. “I’ve never… I mean, I have, but not like that. Never like that.”
A star shot across the deep blue-black of the sky, streaking through the diamond-strewn canopy. “Yeah,” I whispered. “Never like this.”
“Do you think the others heard us?”
“I’m pretty sure the entire tri-state area heard us.” My hands trailed lazily over her back. “A park ranger is going to come over that hill any minute now to investigate who’s been torturing a mountain lion.”
“And who is the mountain lion in this little scenario?”
“You are, of course. I have the claw marks to prove it.”
Kacey snuggled closer against me. “I don’t care who heard,” she murmured after a moment. “They want this for you, anyway. Oscar and Dena.”
“They all want me to get laid?”
“They all want you to be with someone.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I guess they do.”
Kacey lifted her head. “And now you’re with me.” Her eyes glanced down for a second and then back up to meet mine. Hesitant.
I smiled gently at her, this beautiful woman lying naked with me, her skin flush with the hard ridge of my scar and she was unafraid.
“I’m with you, Kacey. I can’t not be with you.”
“No going back, okay? No second-guessing. If we do, we just waste time. I don’t want to waste a single moment with you. Not one.” She pushed herself up onto her elbows. “Do you promise me? No going back?”
I took hold of her shoulders and pulled her up over me, then moved my hands into her hair. Her eyes were wide and intent, and I knew that she was still asking me to trust her, when no one else had.
“No going back,” I said, and sealed the vow with a kiss that was soft and gentle, but deep with intention. My best intentions, despite my worst fears.
Little moments, day by day. This is what I have to give.
I kissed her deeper and the need to have her rose up again. She moaned softly into my mouth and I felt her body begin to move against mine.
“I don’t suppose you have a second condom in that magic pocket of yours?” I asked between kisses. “Please say yes.”
Kacey laughed against my lips. “See for yourself.”
My right hand snaked out and took hold of her discarded shirt. I felt a crackle in the pocket and my head fell back in relief.
“Did you know we were going to sleep together tonight?”
“I hoped we would.”
I raised an eyebrow as I tore open the packet. “Twice?”
Her voice and eyes and smile all softened. “I hoped so bad…”
She took me inside her, and as my body was wracked with pleasure, I felt
the most bittersweet of emotions, soaring and plummeting at the same time: joy, that I had this woman in my life, and a profound ache that I had met her too late.
I would love you forever, Kacey, if I only had the chance.
The sun was well over the horizon when Jonah and I trudged back to the campsite, hand in hand. Now that I could touch him I didn’t want to stop. My body still hummed like a livewire, and instead of feeling satiated by two mind-blowing orgasms, I just wanted more.
We approached the ring of tents to find everyone else up and sitting around a low fire, sipping coffee. They all stopped to stare at our approach. Oscar started a slow clap until Dena elbowed him in the side, hiding a smile behind her hand as she watched us with warm eyes. Holly buried an embarrassed giggle in her shoulder, though she looked tired, as if she hadn’t slept much the night before. Theo only gaped, his expression unreadable. I met his eye with a small smile he didn’t return, and he quickly looked away.
Jonah stopped, took in all the stares. “Did you guys hear that last night? Mountain lion. Loud one too.”
Everyone burst out laughing. Except Theo.
I swatted Jonah’s arm and took my seat around the fire. Theo’s dark stare followed me, prickling on my skin. Dena handed me a thermos of hot black coffee. Our eyes met, hers full of warmth and something like gratitude.
I sat on the ground between Jonah’s feet, leaning back with my elbows on his knees. A perfect fit.
All of this, I thought, sipping my coffee. So perfect.
We all took a hike through the woods that morning, following a rough path that cut downward toward a small body of water called Stella Lake. The guys skipped rocks across the surface, insulting the hell out of each other in an affectionate but cutthroat competition. Holly, Dena, and I walked around the perimeter under a leaden sky that threatened rain.
Holly had been quiet all morning. She stuck close to us on the walk but said little, her hands jammed in the front of her sweatshirt.