by Emma Scott
All In
Copyright © 2016 Emma Scott
All rights reserved
Cover art by Melissa Panio-Petersen
Interior art by Melissa Panio-Petersen
Interior formatting by That Formatting Lady
No part of this eBook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author.
This is a work of fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious or have been used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
I’d like to extend a huge thank you to the following people for their support, love, and for their solidarity for me in my endeavors. Each and every one of you had a hand in bringing this book to life.
Melissa Panio-Petersen, Angela Bonnie Shockley, Joy Kriebel-Sadowski, Ashley Drew, Jennifer Balogh, Noemie Heloin, Elaine Glynn, and Kathleen Ripley. It takes a village to raise a kid, they say. It also takes one to write a book, and you ladies are my tribe. Love you all.
To Robin Hill, for everything, everything. There are no words to thank you for what you’ve done for me. None. And I say this as a writer who should have plenty. With much love and gratitude.
To my husband, Bill, for your incredible support, for taking the kids to give me time to write, and for believing in me, always. I will love you forever.
To my readers, the bloggers, and my friends in this wonderful community, without whom I could not do this, nor would I want to. I give my characters a voice, but without you, they could never be heard. Thank you.
And to my editor, Suanne Laqueur. For you, so much. For keeping the compass north. For love and bravery. You are a universe, it is certain.
For Desiree, who holds these characters in her heart and keeps them safe for me,
and
for Tom, the little brother of the family, and the rock I set my back to.
Way Down We Go, Kaleo
Like a River, Bishop
Unsteady, X Ambassadors
Love is a Losing Game, Amy Winehouse
Everything I Do, Bryan Adams
Arsonist’s Lullaby, Hozier
Lil Darlin, ZZ Ward
Love in the Dark, Adele
What a Wonderful World, Louis Armstrong
Full tilt (n): 1. with maximum energy or force; at top speed.
Theo
“Theo, dear. He wants you.”
Kacey’s soft hand tightened in mine. I looked at my brother’s girlfriend, who gave a wan, reassuring smile. Another squeeze of her hand, then I somehow found the will to stand up.
My mother smiled weakly, hanging on Dad’s arm in the hall outside Jonah’s hospital room. She looked so lost and broken. Frail. Dad looked grim but stoic, holding Mom up. But Jonah was the glue in our family. Without him, we were going to fall apart. It was only a matter of time.
It was time now to say goodbye to my brother. As I walked toward the door of his room, a carousel of images circled my head, each faded with time, as if they’d sat out in the bright sun too long. Jonah and me feeding a goat at the state fair. Jonah and me in swim lessons together. In our Little League uniforms. Walking high school hallways where Jonah was effortlessly popular and I was his wingman. Visiting Jonah at UNLV, then at Carnegie-Mellon. Swimming with Jonah in Venezuela.
Where he got sick… and I didn’t.
I pushed the door shut and moved to where Jonah lay dying. A thin, pale version of the healthy guy in my mind’s photo album.
“Theo…”
My brother. Struggling to breath. Struggling to hold on. While I was still strong—strong and ready to tear down the walls of this goddamn place, to set the whole fucking world on fire at the unfairness of it all.
Still not strong enough to walk over to his bed and say goodbye.
Jonah managed a weak smile. “That bad, huh?”
“You’ve looked worse,” I said, finally moving into the room and taking a seat beside his bed.
“Bite me.” His chuckle was a horrible-sounding wheeze. His hand twitched on the blankets. He didn’t even have the strength to lift it. I reached to clasp it, wrapping my fingers around his.
Jonah’s smile faded and his eyes—still sharp—met mine. “I’m worried…about Mom.” His heart could only pump enough air for two or three words at a time, squeezing them out between shallow intakes of breath.
“I’ll take care of her,” I said.
“And Dad… He’ll come around…about your shop. I…believe in you.”
I doubted our father would ever support my work as a tattoo artist, but at that moment, Jonah’s I believe in you was all I needed.
“Now,” Jonah said, his gaze intent. “The favor…I want from you… Remember?”
I sat forward in the chair. “Name it.”
“Kacey…”
My voice stuck in my throat. I coughed it free. “What about her?”
“You love her.”
The words were weak and soft, yet each one struck my chest like a hammer. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, could hardly blink. I was on fire, a million different emotions boiling in my guts, stealing my air, choking my words.
Despite keeping everything buried, deep down where it could never see the light of day and betray my brother… He saw everything. He always had.
He smiled at my paralyzed expression. “I’m glad, T. I’m so…relieved…it’s you.”
I almost found my voice to tell him it wasn’t me. I wasn’t anything. What the hell did I know about love? Not a damn thing. And he was wrong anyway.
She’ll never love me because she loves only you. Which is how it should be.
“The favor…” Jonah’s gaze bored into mine with all the strength his failing body lacked. “Take care of Kacey. Please. She’ll need you. She’s strong. But if she falls, help her… Love her, Theo. This life is…short. Don’t hold back. Okay?”
I nodded. Only because he needed me to. Not because I had any fucking clue how to do what he was asking of me.
Jonah eased a sigh of relief. He was beyond exhausted and had yet to see Kacey, to say goodbye to the love of his life. I couldn’t waste their time.
It was time now.
I clenched my jaw hard against the tears but they came anyway.
Say it. It’s now or never. You’ll never have this chance again.
“I love you,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Me too,” Jonah said, his voice so weak and thin. “Love you, T. Always will.”
The grief slammed into me, pressed me down. I buried my face in the crook of my arm, battling it back. I had to be strong. For Mom and Dad, and for Kacey. For Jonah who had given me a job to do.
“I’ll get Kacey,” I said, wiping my eyes.
I planted my feet and tried to rise, but could only get halfway out of the chair. Still clasping Jonah’s hand, I leaned to put my forehead to his, to hold him close to me one last time.
My brother…
Jonah sighed my name.
“I’ll take care of her,” I said, my voice cracking. “I swear.”
It was half the promise, but the half I could keep.
I’m not going to be able to walk out of here.
But I did. I left my brother’s room and leaned against the wall outside his door, feeling like I was on a ship tossed at sea.
That was it. The last time I’ll ever see him or talk to him…I’ll never talk to my brother again. Never hear his voice, his words…
And his last words. Love her…
My eyes sought Kacey in the waiting area; something to grab on to. Something real. She’d fallen out of the goddamn sky like a bomb, blowing up our careful life, smashing routines and disrupting Jonah’s plans. First I was scared she’d leave him, and when it was clear she wasn’t going to, I was scared her staying would hurt Jonah too much. He�
�d have to say goodbye after only a handful of weeks together.
Kacey walked toward Jonah’s room. Her stride graceful, her face wracked by grief, but burning with love at the same time.
She filled up my eyes as Jonah’s dying wish echoed in my ear. I had one short, selfish, miserable second of hope…
Then I squashed it flat. Killed it.
Sorry, bro. She’s yours, and she’ll be yours to the end of time.
But I could take care of her. Black days were coming. Weeks, months. Possibly years. However long she needed me, I’d be there for her.
One month after the funeral, I got a call from my mother.
“Theo dear, there’s no answer at Kacey’s. I’ve been calling for two days now.” Her voice crackled with panic over the phone. She couldn’t take another hit. Neither could I.
I called Kacey. An automated message said her cellphone was no longer in service.
I called the Luxor, where she’d managed to get hired after quitting Caesar’s. They said she hadn’t been in for three days.
I went to her place and banged on the door. No answer. I banged harder and her elderly neighbor came out.
“She’s gone, young man,” the lady said, annoyed. “Didn’t you see? Her car’s not here.”
“When did she leave?”
The woman narrowed her eyes at me, sizing me up. “Two nights ago. Like she was sneaking out, stealing her own things. Nervous.”
My heart’s pulse slowed to a heavy clang of dread. “She took stuff with her?”
“Boxes. Suitcases.” The woman ran her hands down her flowered housedress. “And these strange glass bottles with cords coming out of them. Don’t know what on earth—”
“Lamps,” I said dully. “They were lamps made from old whiskey bottles.”
“If you say so.”
I rubbed the stubble along my jaw. The tension had seeped out of my body, the grief now seeping back in.
“She left a letter with me,” the neighbor said. “Asked that I only give it to Beverly, Teddy, or Henry Fletcher.” The woman peered at me. “Are you one of those?”
“I’m Theo Fletcher.” I cleared my throat. “She calls me Teddy. Called. Calls.”
“Hold on.” The woman went into her place and came back out with a piece of paper folded in half. My eyes scanned over the words:
I can’t stay here. I tried but it’s too much. I love you all. I’m sorry.
Kacey
The note fell from my hand like a dead leaf, rocking through the air to land at my feet. The neighbor said something softly and retreated into her apartment. I stood alone on the walkway, staring at Kacey’s door.
I’m sorry, Jonah, I thought, the words blasting louder and louder with every beat of my heart.
I had one job here. Not even. Half a job. And I’d failed.
Theo
Six months after the funeral…
The alarm blared at six a.m. I snaked out my hand and shut it off. For a few seconds, I was good. Everything was all right. Then I remembered Jonah was gone and the rest of the day sledgehammered into my chest.
I sucked in a breath and stared at the ceiling until the first wave passed, then immediately threw off the covers. The best part of my day was those first three seconds. Then I had to immediately get up, get ahead of it. Keep moving, otherwise I’d lie in bed all day like an ass, pissing and moaning over what I couldn’t change. Get up, shake it out of the covers and kick it under the bed.
A small voice inside whispered I’d better clean that shit out and fucking deal with it before I exploded.
I was dealing. I was getting up. Going to work. Doing my goddamn best.
My gym clothes were waiting at the foot of the bed where I’d set them the night before. I dressed, hit the kitchen for some water and a protein bar. The morning sun glinted off the glass paperweights on the windowsill, all Jonah’s creations. One had a sea life scene inside. The sunlight cutting through the glass made it look alive. It was Kacey’s favorite. She once told me she thought it looked quiet inside the glass. Peaceful. The watery composition made her feel safe when she woke up the first time on Jonah’s couch.
I looked inside the sphere and felt suffocated. Trapped. Immobile, like the sea life.
In my truck on the way to the gym, I passed Jonah’s old place, then Kacey’s three blocks later. Both empty now. Except for Jonah’s glass paperweights sitting on my windowsill and a handwritten note, everything belonging to them was in a storage unit at the north end of town.
Idling at a red light, my thoughts returned to her four scribbled lines, mulling over them like song lyrics. Followed by the chorus: I failed Jonah…
A honk from behind jolted me: the red light was green. I hit the gas, tires screeching, then eased off and forced myself to chill the fuck out before I got in a wreck.
At the gym, I lifted and pressed until my arm muscles were screaming and the sweat poured down my face. I did sit-ups until I thought I’d puke, then set a bar over my shoulders and did squats until my legs were shaking.
I worked out for two solid hours, trying to sweat out the feelings buried in my guts. It left me exhausted and wanting more sleep—I didn’t get much these days—but rest wasn’t part of my routine.
I showered, dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, and went back to my place to cook up some lunch. I sat at my kitchen counter, the Small Business Management textbook open. An enormous fried egg, bacon, and tomato sandwich on my left, my laptop on my right. I had midterms coming up and the payroll tax stuff was giving me grief.
Three hours of solid study made me feel a little better. About my tests anyway. I closed up my textbooks and laptop, and hid them away in a drawer in case Oscar and Dena dropped by. They always asked a million fucking questions about me going to back to UNLV for an MBA degree, and I didn’t want to talk about it. It was stupid anyway. As if a dumb degree could make anything better.
My cell phone rang as I started to head out for work at Vegas Ink, my mother’s number on the display. Right on time.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Hello, darling. I’m sorry to bother you.”
“You’re not bothering me, Ma. You never are.”
“I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
She called every day. Rarely with any real purpose or news to impart, usually just to touch base with the only son she had left. When I saw her in person, she literally touched base: her hand floating toward me whenever I was in reach. I couldn’t blame her—I did the same to Jonah every day after his CAV diagnosis.
“Dear?”
I jerked out of my thoughts. “Sorry, Ma. What was that?”
“I was asking if you’d heard from Kacey?”
“Still nothing. I’m sure she’s fine,” I added, like I would fucking know after I let her slip away.
You had one job here. Half a job.
“I wish she’d at least call,” Mom said with false lightness, “I wonder where she’s gone off to?”
I rubbed my hand over the dull ache in my chest. “I have to get to work, Ma. If I hear anything from Kacey, I’ll let you know.”
“All right, dear.”
Realizing I was barely giving her sixty seconds of my time, I asked, “What are you and Dad up to?”
“Oh, nothing much,” she said. God, if she didn’t always sound like she was perpetually on the verge of tears. “We’d like to have you, Oscar, and Dena over for dinner Sunday.”
“Sure, sounds good,” I said, gritting my teeth. Once a month or so we rallied together, mostly because we felt we should. Our duty to old memories and better times.
It sucked.
The dinners were torture, filled with stilted, stiff conversation, haunted by Kacey’s laughter and Jonah’s voice. No matter how loud we tried to talk or laugh over it, their love affair lingered like the light from one of Jonah’s glass lamps. Not even Oscar could lighten the mood. His gigantic personality had been tamped down and Dena’s smile was heavy now.
My mother
still cooked, but often she let pots boil over while she stared into space. She’d lost weight. So had Dad. His eyes followed my mother constantly, but rarely looked at me. He hardly spoke to me, either. We’d never been close, but Jonah always bridged our gap. Without him, an abyss lay between me and my father. A distance neither of us made an effort to close.
Goddammit, Jonah, come back and fix all this because I fucking can’t.
“I’ll let Oscar and Dena know,” I told my mom. My glance flickered to the front door, the car keys jangling in my hand.
“How are your studies going?”
“Fine. Big tests coming up.”
“I’m so proud of you, Theo. I think it’s wonderful what you’re doing. In another year, when you have your degree, just think of what doors will open for you.”
“Thanks, Ma,” I said, trying not to sound as irritated as I felt. Mom’s pride in me sounded good on the surface, but she wasn’t entirely sold on me opening up a tattoo shop either. She was more supportive than Dad by a mile, but I didn’t hold any illusions she was eager to see me spend the money Jonah willed me on a place with loud music and ‘colorful characters’, where I’d draw flaming skulls and roses all day long.
“Oh, Theo dear, would you mind stopping by the store this afternoon? I’m out of milk and eggs.”
I clenched my jaw. I couldn’t go after work or I’d never make it to class on time. I’d have to go now, swing by my parents’ house, then go to work. Late.
“Dad’s working again today?” I asked tightly.
“Yes.” She sighed. “You know how he is lately.”
“Yeah, I know.” I rubbed my hands over my eyes. “I’ll hit the store before work. Be there in thirty.”
“Thank you, dear. You take such good care of me.”
“I gotta go, Ma. I’ll see you in a few.”
“Wonderful, dear. And Theo?”
“Yeah?”
“If Kacey calls, tell her I’m not angry with her. Tell her… Tell her I’d just like to know she’s okay.”