But he didn’t seem to mind, in fact he pulled her head down gently on to his shoulder and stroked her hair, as she cried with reaction to so much, disastrous, horrifying couple of weeks in her life, a momentous step in her life.
Things moved then with a speed that took Roz’s breath away.
She hadn’t even seen Mike to explain, and felt cowardly but almost certain she would be unable to anyway. And Adam had broken the news to Mrs Howard there and then.
To her credit Mrs Howard had looked stunned and had started to say, ‘Roz, if anything I said this morning …’
But Roz had gone up to her and put her arms around her as Adam had frowned and looked from one to the other of them probingly, and she’d said very quietly, ‘I trust Adam——if I didn’t I wouldn’t be doing this, and I don’t think I am the right one for Mike, otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this either. Perhaps you could …help him to understand for me, please, and thank you for everything.’
‘Oh, Roz!’ Mrs Howard had appeared to do battle with herself, but finally she said, ‘If you’re very sure?’
‘Very.’
But after a tearful parting and as they had driven to her grandfathers house, Adarn had said, ‘What did she say to you this morning, Roz?’
‘Just… some of the things your said to me, about Mike, I mean.’
‘I wondered if she might try to stop me rushing you away like this,’ he’d said then with a faint srnile.
So did I, thought Roz, but can l blame her for not? No. She was honest with me where many women might not have been, she was kind right up to the end when she could have turned on me … how could l ever blame her for putting her family first and understanding that this seems to be the only solution?’
They had only called in at her own home briefly for Roz to mark the things she would like to keep, and it was from there that Adam arranged transport for the mare and foal.
‘Oh, look, In only borrowed the mare,’ she had said distractedly.
‘Just give me the details and I’ll buy her,’ he had said calmly.’
Then he had taken her to his flat in Brisbane which he used, he had told her, when he had to stay in town overnight. But he hadn’t stayed with her. Instead, by nightfall, a cheerful person by the name of Milly Barker had arrived, and if she had thought it at all strange that she should been summoned to play chaperon to Adam Milroy’s bride-to-be who was also a total stranger, all she’d said was, ‘Oh, I’m so thrilled to meet you and I’m so excited! I’m Adam’s housekeeper, by the way.’
‘And she rules me with a rod of iron, incidentally,’ Adam had put in with a grin.
‘Oh ho! Well, you’ll find out the truth about that soon enough, Roz—may I call you Roz?’
‘Of course,’ Roz had said shyly,
But over the next couple of days she had grown less shy with Milly Barker; it had been impossible not to as they’d shopped for a trousseau and Roz had discovered that Milly had no desire to probe beyond the face value of this marriage—or if she did, she suppressed it very well. Some months later she was to realise that Milly was much more than a housekeeper, that she ran Adam’s social life and that, above all, she juggled his family with supreme tact and discretion, Although, Roz was also to think some time later, it must have tested even Milly to have had to bear the brunt of the family’s shocked amazement when she had broken the news of the marriage. By which time Roz and Adam were married and on their way to North Queensland for their honeymoon.
What Adam had said to her on the subject of his family had been that he had no intention of allowing them any say in the matter, he never did anyway, nor of turning the occasion into some kind of are circus with everyone squabbling over who should be bridesmaids, groomsmen and heaven knew what.
‘But your mother?’ Roz had queried slowly, Milly had filled her in on the basics.
‘My mother’s got enough children to keep her, in weddings for years to come—I’m only, the second to do it so far—then we’ve got cousins and nieces and nephews ad infinitum, I sometimes think. But I’ve written her a letter for Milly to deliver. And among other things, I reminded her that my father persuaded her to run away from home to marry him and then presented her to the family as a fait accompli.’
‘Oh.’
‘Roz—’ it had been the day before their simple register office wedding and they were having dinner that Milly had cooked them ‘—if you’ve discovered that you have any grave reservations about this, now is the time to tell me. I know you must have some reservations, but at least you know me a bit better now and should be able to make a more reasoned judgement.’
She had looked at him across the elegantly set candlelit table. ‘Have you had some doubts?’
‘No,’ he’d said quietly but quite definitely.
Roz had lowered her lashes and remembered what she’d done the day before—checked in the Brisbane and the Gold Coast phone books and discovered that A. Milroy was listed in both and in the Brisbane one at the address of the flat. She had also known why she’d done it—if Mike had really wanted to find her it wouldn’t have been difficult. But he hadn’t, although ten days had elapsed. Perhaps it was foolish to expect him to understand, to wonder if he mightn’t care for her more than all the obstacles in the world and find it impossible to let her do this. But he hadn’t.
‘No,’ she’d said, ‘neither have I.’ And she’d smiled across the candle flame and asked him how Nimmitabel was settling down in her new home.
The same time the next evening they were on their honeymoon.
*
‘Roz?’
‘Mmm?’
‘All right?’
‘Yes. Fine,’ she had said sleepily, and stirred in his arms and woke up a bit. ‘Was it all right—I mean, was I any good?’
Their luxury hotel room in Cairns, their stepping—off point for a honeymoon exploring Far North Queensland, was silent.
Then Adam had said, ‘You were all I expected you to be. ‘Very sweet, a little scared, and even lovelier than I thought.’ He ran his fingers slowly down her body.
‘I thought it might hurt a lot more,’ she had confided. ‘I didn’t really know what to expect.’
‘l don’t believe in hurting little young, scared creatures.‘
‘You make me sound like a rabbit,’ she’d said indignantly but with a giggle. ‘I’m not so little, am I?’
‘Compared to me you are,’ he had said gravely.
‘But I mean—oh, you know what I mean…’ She broke off as his hand moved up to touch her breasts. ‘Well, they’re not very big, I know,’ she had whispered, and felt her cheeks grow warm.
She had felt him laugh silently and had tensed, but he had held her closer and said, ‘They’re perfect, just like the rest of you—exquisite is the right word, I think, Roz.’
She had fallen asleep soon afterwards in his arms again, feeling almost lightheaded with relief, because it had taken all her nerve to go to bed with Adam Milroy and she had been sure she would be stiff with tension and—yes, doubt and disbelief. But as sleep had claimed her she was only able to be glad she had stuck to her decision to accept this side of married life and clamped down so hard on all her fears and uncertainties and tried to behave as a wife should straight away. Because in doing so she had discovered that she could handle it, that there was nothing specially terrifying about it and that Adam was patient and gentle and,… just so nice.
And her last thought had been, anyway, if you marry someone for whatever reason, it’s only sensible to do your best, isn’t it?
CHAPTER FIVE
‘So went wrong, Roz?’
Roz got up and crossed to the window. She sighed as the question she had asked herself seemed to echo around her beautiful bedroom at Little Werrington, and stared down at the moonlit driveway as Angelo appeared from beneath the veranda and jumped into his sporty little Datsun. Amy followed suit, but for a time, it sounded as if her elderly car wasn’t going to start, then it did reverberatingly, pr
oclaiming to the world that it had a hole in the silencer.
Roz couldn’t help smiling, because Amy was hopeless with cars, to the despair of her family, who were fond of saying she only had to look at one for it to go wrong. But Adam was very fond of Amy, she knew, and always said she had other, redeeming qualities, like her talent for music. But then Adam was very good with his young relatives—young things altogether, she thought, and if only I could have a baby …
She pulled herself up and thought, no, be honest with yourself, Roz, that’s a problem, but not the only one. So many. things went wrong. Seeing that house on fire after our honeymoon on the way home from the airport …
She bit her lip, remembering the sirens of the ambulances and the fire engines and another fire that had haunted her dreams from the day she had seen the second one until she wondered often if she would ever forget. And how those awful memories had kept the others alive, the Howards, Mr Howard… that’s what went wrong, she thought, with sudden clarity as she waited for Richard to come out. I’ve been haunted by the spectre of falling in love with Adam—who doesn’t believe in love anyway—haunted by the prospect of falling prey to those complex emotions that being really physically attracted to someone seems to plunge you into …I’ve been terrified by the way I’ve found myself wanting shim, because after Mr Howard I hated the thought of it. But it’s not only that, it’s so much more—it must be, or why would I be feeling so unhappy and jealous and helpless? Why?
She rubbed her eyes wearily and whispered aloud, starkly, ‘You did fall in love with him, Roz, why won’t you admit it‘? You not only want him but you need him, you’re lost without him, and everything else you’ve ever tried to tell yourself means nothing. You thought you could direct your life with him, you thought you could keep a part of yourself aloof and untouched—you’ve fought him for the right to be able to do that, and only now, when you’ve achieved it, do you realise what a hollow victory it is. And you were so wrapped up in your memories and your problems you never stopped to think of him until it was too late. You even gave him cause to think you were still pining for Mike… what a fool you were, Roz! Perhaps you even had a chance to…make him feel the same way about you—and you just let it slip through your fingers …
She closed her eyes in pain.
When she opened them minutes later it was to focus on a curious little scene being played out down below beside Richard’s car. She’d been so wrapped up in her own suffering she hadn’t heard Richard come out of the house, but he undoubtedly had, also Nicky, and they were now embracing passionately in the moonlight and there was nothing cousinly about it at all.
Then Richard put Nicky away from him, but even from a distance Roz could see the effort it cost him, just as she could see tears glinting on Nicky’s face.
‘Oh!’ she framed the word silently as everything fell into place. Margaret had seen this coming—so had Flavia! It had been Richard and Nicky she’d meant on the night of Roz’s birthday party, not Angelo and his new girlfriend. And the things Nicky herself had said—if only she knew where Adam stood, for example.
Roz blinked rapidly, then moved away from the window because she felt as if she was trespassing, but anyway she heard the car start up and drive. away within moments.
But the question remained—where would Adam stand.
Would he share Margaret’s viewpoint that Richard was not what Nicky should have? Or Flavia’s theory that they were only babies—everyone’s concern no doubt because they were cousins? But they’re not really, she thought, they’re only second cousins. Margaret and Nicky are cousins. That’s not so bad, surely?
But. with a feeling of chill in her heart, she decided that Adam was not going to like the idea of Richard and his sister Nicky, and the thought of it was another burden she took to bed with her.
‘Roz you look pale,’ her mother-in-law said to her the next morning. Roz had forgotten Flavia was coming until Milly had reminded her at breakfast, which Nicky had not come down for.
‘I think I’m missing Adam,’ Roz replied, and winced inwardly as Flavia immediately looked gratified. Then she asked where Nicky was.
‘Still asleep,’ said Roz ruefully.
‘But it’s eleven o’clock!’
‘She had a late night last night and she is on holiday, so I thought I’d let her sleep in. I’m afraid I slept in as well.’
‘She went out?’
‘No. Angelo came down, and Amy and …’
‘Ah, that’s good Flavia pronounced. ‘I like to see them all together, and you know, it amazes me what good friends Angelo and Nicola are now, considering that they fought like little tigers all the time they were growing up. Not that I can believe she’s nearly grown up, but then I’m probably a silly old fool. And thank you for having her to stay, Roz,’ she said warmly, and patted Roz’s cheek. Then she drifted over to the window and added, ‘Goodness me, you have more visitors, Roz! Margaret, by the look of it and—why, yes, It do believe she has Elspeth with her!’
Roz stared and closed her eyes briefly in horror, for it was indeed Margaret, and as she often did, she had brought Aunt Elspeth with her. But I’m sure I told her Flavia was coming today, Roz’ thought distractedly. Because it was a well known fact that Flavia and Elspeth detested each other and at times, less than cordially.
‘Um,’ she said,’ I did mention to Margaret that you were coming today. She must have got the dates mixed up…’
‘Not at all!’ Flavia said sweetly. ‘There’s no reason for Margaret and Elspeth to Stay away because l am here. I shall even go out and greet them!’
‘I’ll … I’ll just have a word with Milly about lunch,’ said Roz, and fled.
‘Oh, Milly,’ she panted breathlessly, bumping into her in the kitchen, ‘help!’
‘What is it?’
Roz told her, and even Milly looked comically concerned for a moment. The she said, ‘You can cope. Just be regal, and mention Adam frequently—that always does the trick, I’ve found. What about Nicky‘? Want me to wake her up?’
‘Yes, her mother will be wondering—but I’ll do it. Would you mind holding the fort while I dash upstairs?’
There was nothing comical about Nicky’s reaction as Roz gently shook her awake and broke the news to her. ‘Oh no!’ she groaned, and pulled the pillow over her head. ‘Oh, God, what have I done to deserve this?’ She thrust the pillow aside and sat up. ‘If they’ve all come to …’
‘They haven’t,’ said Roz, and immediately realised she’d made a slip, but Nicky seemed not to notice, so she went on, ‘I mean, Margaret must have mixed the dates up, because I’m sure she wouldn’t have brought …’
‘Roz, the last thing I feel like dealing with today is Mummy and Aunt Elspeth, sparring at each other, and as for Aunt Margaret——! Can’t you …‘?’
‘No, Nicky,’ Roz said gently. ‘It’s too late for that. Just be cool, calm and collected and mention Adam frequently. That always does the trick.’
Nicky looked at her with a suddenly speculative gleam in her, and Roz held her breath, but her sister-in-law said with a grin, ‘I’ve heard that somewhere before. Oh well, I suppose it could be worse. Lucia could have come too!’
*
‘Oh, Roz,’ said Nicky hours later when the protagonists had departed, ‘you must admit we’re a, mad family. I nearly died when Mum and Aunt Elspeth got into that conversation about the merits of Anglo-Saxon qualities of character over Latin ones. I mean, I nearly died trying not to laugh. They were so polite and so lethal—and they’ve been fighting that particular war ever since they met, can you believe it?’
‘I can now,’ said Roz with a grin.
‘But you were great, you really gave them something to think about when you said you thought they mixed marvellously well and wasn’t Adam living proof of it. That stopped them in their tracks!’
‘I suspect not for long,’ Roz said wryly. ‘As soon as I said it I could just picture Elspeth saying—yes, but it’s his Anglo-Saxon
genes that have tempered his Latin ones. Or your mother saying—ah, but he might have turned out to be a real cold cod without my genes!’
‘Cold cod!’ Nicky started to laugh again.
‘Sorry, I wasn’t trying to make fun of your mother,’ Rog said ruefully. ‘I like and admire her.’
‘Do you, Roz?’ said Nicky slowly.
Roz hesitated, then said honestly. ‘I was always rather nervous about how she—well, viewed me. Now I know she … doesn’t disapprove of me I suppose it’s easy to say I think she’s very human and warm and funny and caring, but l do … I’ve thought that for some time. Why do you ask, Nicky?’
‘No reason. It’s just that if she were younger she might…’
‘Fifty-five isn’t terribly old, Nicky.’
‘No, but if I was her first child she might only be thirty-eight… Nicky stopped and looked conscience-stricken and anxious. ‘It’s not that I don‘t love her and admire her and respect her, Roz, but some of her ideas are terribly old-fashioned.’
‘I think,’ Roz said carefully, ‘most mothers are like that, or seem to be. By the time we’re mothers,’ she bit her lip, ‘we’ll probably be the same. I suppose they do know all the pitfalls.’
‘They can certainly think of plenty—behind every tree, they are, if mothers are to be believed,‘ Nicky said darkly.
Roz waited with a feeling of inevitability, but Nicky only remarked, ‘Aunt Margaret was quiet today.’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, what’s on tomorrow? When’s Adam due back, by the way?’
‘The day after tomorrow. And Les is taking Nimmitabel to the races tomorrow, just to accustom her to all the noise and excitement.‘ How would it be if we got out our glad rags and went along?’
‘I didn’t really bring anything in the glad-rag line,’ Nicky said, ruefully.
‘Then let’s go and inspect my wardrobe this minute!’ said Roz. ‘We’re not much different in size.’
She couldn’t help feeling relieved when Nicky jumped up enthusiastically, all her problems seemingly forgotten. But she did wonder if it wasn’t cowardly to be hoping against hope that Nicky wouldn’t confide in her.
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