The home itself wasn’t exactly a work of art, but I was willing to cut him some slack on that front.
It struck me, though—it was almost three years since we started doing this.
To me, it was a mere instant, a passing breeze in the sky. But thanks to his clumsy brazenness, it felt like quite a long three years.
I didn’t have any intention of guarding over him, per se.
Once I realized how useful he was, I felt it would be a waste if he died before my home was built. That was all.
Besides, look at how dutifully this man was living up to what he said. If he ever did complete this project, I imagine he would fulfill his end of the bargain and disappear forever.
Then I could live here alone, passing the time in idle happiness. I was still amazed at how brilliant an idea I came up with, three years ago.
I crossed my arms and nodded, mentally patting myself on the back, when the thunder began to roll in.
Looking up, I realized that the rain was growing stronger.
It would have been just about sunset on the other side of those clouds. He would be returning before long.
As it occurred to me, Tsukihiko appeared, just as expected.
And, as expected, I felt a sense of exasperated disgust at his appearance, covered in mud from head to toe.
“Boy, I got a lot of work done today. I think we’re just about done here. What do you think? ’Cause I think it’s starting to look pretty—”
“You’re filthy. Get in the bath.”
I pointed toward the bath. “Ha-ha,” Tsukihiko said. “Right. Sorry, sorry.” Then he marched right toward it.
It may have been just a shack, but it was proving pretty useful.
It was Tsukihiko’s suggestion. “Let’s start with someplace where you can see everything happening,” he said. It was little more than a roof at first, but in a flash it kept on being expanded. Built upon. And now here we were.
When he added a space for himself in the shack, I was livid at first. “It’ll make the building go a lot faster than me coming up from the foot of the mountain,” he said. I grudgingly accepted, and now he was staying here half the time.
He wasn’t any great harm to me, and it actually did make progress on the home quicken considerably. I was still a tad uncomfortable with it, but I decided to let it be until we were done.
Yes. I just need to be patient until then.
Once he’s done, I’ll finally obtain a place for myself. I just need to be patient.
…Still, I might have been spoiling him, heating up the bath for him like I did.
Or not. I didn’t want him falling to the ground, exhausted. That would mean no house. What a nuisance that would be.
The thought was scrambled in my mind by the shout of “Thanks for the bath! This feels so great!” from over in the corner.
Day 1032.
The seemingly unending rain finally went away. Summer began to make its presence known.
Avoiding the direct sunlight, I filled the tub Tsukihiko brought for me with water, splashing my feet in it.
“Hey! That bit’s about to come off!”
Tsukihiko waved back at my shout.
He was there again today, silently tackling his construction work. Today he was taking position on top of the roof.
Despite working day in, day out under the hot sun, his skin never so much as slightly browned, his lily-white countenance contrasting with the black roof and making him all the more visible.
Whether it was his genes or not, I couldn’t say. But from his bright white hair on down, being so pale at a young age made me wonder about him.
I had only told him about a piece of roofing that was curling off the top. Did he confuse that with me cheering him on or something?
All he did was wave at me with a smile, showing no sign of running to fix it.
“Helloooo? Not that! Look under you!”
Tsukihiko, finally realizing what I was trying to get across, stood up a little and shouted “Huh? What did you say?!”
This frustrating failure to communicate was starting to gnaw on my nerves. Can’t that idiot understand anything the first time?
“I said, look under…Ah!”
Just as I tried to shout it, Tsukihiko lost his balance on top of the roof.
Losing his support, Tsukihiko’s body fell away, thrust into the air.
What now? What should I do at a time like this?
Maybe some kind of…No. I don’t have any kind of power I could use to save him from this.
In that single moment in time, my mind was buried in thought.
Yet I failed to find any effective recourse I could use to rescue Tsukihiko from my current distance.
Helpless against the call of gravity, Tsukihiko tumbled out of sight, down the other side of the house.
It felt like my heart had frozen.
From that height, no matter how he landed, his life was in danger.
Overturning my ersatz foot bath, I ran to where I thought Tsukihiko made contact.
If he at least landed on his feet, I could do something…
But that last vision of Tsukihiko stamped into my mind indicated to me that he likely didn’t.
“Tsukihiko!”
I turned around the corner and looked down upon the ground.
But I didn’t see Tsukihiko anywhere.
Before I could comprehend what happened, I heard a sheepish voice from above my head.
“Whew! That was close. Hmm? What is it, Azami?”
Looking up, I saw Tsukihiko, hanging by one hand from the edge of the roof.
Faced with the man and his ever-present simpering smile, I felt the rage bubble up within me, ahead of any sense of relief.
“Stop screwing around, you piece of crap! Why do creatures as weak as you have to be so careless?!”
My indignation made Tsukihiko blanch. His smile didn’t budge.
“Huh?”
His reaction indicated that he didn’t understand what I was stomping my feet over.
I opened my mouth, attempting to launch more vitriol his way. But all manner of emotions began to simmer within me. I couldn’t find the words I wanted.
All I could whimper out in the end was “You fool!”—the simplest, most childish thing in the world.
With that, I turned my back to Tsukihiko.
“Fill the tub back up with water. And…don’t go back up on the roof today.”
“All—all right!” Tsukihiko said, flustered.
I hated it.
I truly hated it.
More than anything, I abhorred the fact that this incident was enough to make my blood freeze in place.
What’s more, when I returned, none of the water was left in my tub. It exasperated me, heart and soul.
Let’s just not speak with him any longer today. That ought to make him whimper a bit. It usually does.
The thought made me feel a bit better. I could feel my anger loosen slightly.
Day 1058.
“He’s late…!”
The view this evening was pleasant.
The passing breeze felt good against my skin. Combined with the western sun, it made for a pleasant time outdoors.
“He said he was picking up some food from home since he ran out, but for this long? He was talking about his home, wasn’t he?”
Despite the vivid, brilliant view in front of me, the thunder was still booming across the confines of my heart.
“I ran out of stuff to eat,” he told me, “so I’m going back to get some. I’ll be back in the afternoon.” And now it was evening.
Tsukihiko always made the round trip from here to his home in around three hours.
Even when he was late, it was always for a valid reason—rainfall, or snow on the forest paths—and no matter how late he was, he always made it back before sundown. It was never like this.
As I griped to no one in particular, the sky went from pink, to purple, to a dark blue.
The
sun sank in an instant, as if sneering at my pathetic stood-up self. It was night, and Tsukihiko was still gone.
“What is that fool thinking? He was crowing just yesterday about how ‘Oh, I’ll have this complete in a week’ and such!”
I sat against the shack’s outer wall, grabbing my knees and ranting at myself.
I could hear the cry of some insect far, far away. But I could sense no creature anywhere near this place.
In contrast, the thumping of my heart seemed oddly loud to my ears.
He probably won’t be back tonight, I imagined.
Thinking about it, that was obvious. Anyone trying to pick their way through these forest paths certainly wouldn’t want to do so at night.
If he intended to leave his home in the evening, he likely thought better of it, lest it turn into night midway. The idea seemed perfectly natural to me.
Or perhaps the weather was so good that he took a nap somewhere along the way…
Hopefully not. That would be dangerous.
Well, maybe the sun got the best of him. Maybe he fell fast asleep the moment he reached home.
Amid the darkness, I lined up the reasons in my mind for why Tsukihiko wasn’t back.
“Ah, he’ll be back tomorrow morning.”
……
“No. Perhaps he’ll come trundling back here after all, in a little while.”
…No. It was all wishful thinking.
It was all delusions. What I wanted to have happen.
I was fumbling for natural explanations, and the most natural one of all floated into my mind long ago.
Why was I trying to layer over it with reams of thinly disguised fantasy?
“Did he run away on me?”
Thinking about it, that was the most obvious theory.
After all, it was simply abnormal, this man working here for three years without compensation, silently hammering away at my house.
To be honest, I had no idea why he was still here. What his thought process was.
Any suspicion that he was trying to dupe me had long been extinguished. But I still had difficulty understanding what drove him, what made him tick.
…He said something to me first, didn’t he? What was it?
I remember how eerie it felt when I heard it. I had paid it little heed at the time, but I thought it was…
“I was kind of thinking it’d be nice if I could get a closer look at you, but…”
The moment I recalled the phrase, I felt like someone clenched at my heart with his fist.
My cheeks grew hot, and it became difficult to breathe.
How could he say anything so shameful…!
What is he, some kind of idiot?!
Or, what, did he…?
“…Did he like me?”
I could feel my mind drift off into chaos as I spoke the words.
No, no, that’s insane. He is human. A different species from myself.
But he is a man, and I…in all likelihood…am a woman.
And if a man wanted to peer so intently at a woman like that, the conclusion seemed pretty clear.
A torrent of conflict raged in my staggering mind. I let out a helpless groan.
Did he say anything else to me?
Think. He must have said something. He had to have.
What was it? I think it was something even more devastating…
“If it’ll help, I’d be willing to do anything you say, starting right now.”
I shot to my feet, unable to stand it any longer. If I didn’t, I felt like my heart would explode.
My breathing quickened. My head began to spin.
I’m the fool here, am I not?
There, right at the beginning, he clearly and explicitly stated the reason why he kept staying here with me.
I realized something that shook my very core.
He was in love with me.
“So, so everything up to now was…”
The moment I realized it, I finally understood what kept him here for three years. It was almost too shameful to bear.
“Wait, so when he did that, did it mean…? And when he did that, too?! Ahhh…Why is he such a fool?!”
No. No matter how one thought about it, I was the fool here.
It was such a simple, insidious reason that it breathlessly explained everything else.
Now, even if I brought a mental image of his face to mind for a moment, it felt like fire was shooting out from every orifice in my body.
After musing over past events, and being sent to new valleys of despair over each one, I finally managed to regain my composure.
I inhaled deeply several times, attempting to catch my breath.
Breathing in the chill night air, I felt like my scorched body was being cooled from the inside out.
“…Get back here now, you idiot.”
Somewhere along the line, being alone had begun to be a torment.
Once he returns, I had best scold him a bit.
He was so strange, my vitriol would no doubt gladden him if anything.
Day 1059.
I sobbed uncontrollably. That was a novel experience.
Not that it came all at once. It was more of a gradual segue, as Tsukihiko failed to return even as morning dawned.
“Come on, you don’t have to cry. I’m right here, all safe and sound, okay?”
Tsukihiko tried to comfort me as I sat, sobbing, my hands on my knees. But the tears refused to stop flowing.
I doubt anyone would have imagined him coming back covered in cuts and bruises.
The man I had been waiting for showed up like that, out of nowhere. That would make anyone cry out of shock.
“I sure am sorry I’m late, though. Things just got a little…complicated, is all.”
Tsukihiko assembled a timid smile on his face as he scratched his head.
What the hell is this man covered in wounds smiling about? What is he, stupid?
I finally staved off the tears long enough to ask.
“…Why are you so hurt?”
Tsukihiko’s expression clearly grew taut. He tried to smile again, flustered, but I could see right through him.
“What? Is it something you can’t tell me about?”
“Um, no! No, not at all. It’s just…”
He let out a light sigh, perhaps realizing he could no longer pussyfoot around the subject.
“Umm, do you remember the first time we met? You know, when you were sitting there, deep in thought, and I spoke up…Hey, what’s wrong?”
I buried my face in my knees, denying it the chance to expose its current shade of crimson to the world.
I had only recalled it yesterday. How could I forget about it?
“Go on,” I said, head still firmly against my knees.
“Um, okay. So, back then, I was actually on my way home from fighting in a war. They told me I wasn’t useful for anything.”
He was wearing something resembling a soldier’s uniform, come to think of it.
But useless for anything? That’s an awfully mean thing to say to someone…Though I had said far worse to him by this point.
“So I was wandering around, essentially, and I came across you. I thought you were, you know, kind of pretty. So that’s how I wound up here, but…”
“Stop saying things like that about me.”
I tried to hold everything back as I spoke, but to be honest, the shame felt like it was about to snuff my life out.
Nothing like this bothered me before. Now this emotion was driving me to new depths of despair.
“Ah-ha-ha! Sorry about that. So when you said to build a house for you, at first I was all ‘What are you, crazy?’ But more than that, I was just kind of…happy. It felt nice that someone like me could be of aid to someone as pretty as you.”
“Ngh, ah, thank you.”
“What?! Boy, you’re acting pretty strange today.”
Could this guy be any more simpleminded?
He had to be pulling my chain by
now.
But by this point, that aspect of him seemed to make him all the more lovable.
…Am I beautiful?
…Really?
…It feels so good.
“So, anyway, my mother and father passed away when I was young and left me a decent amount of land, so I never had any problem staying afloat, but yesterday I ran into one of the villagers for the first time in a while, and…”
Tsukihiko grinned a bashful grin.
“And what? You’re a villager, too, are you not?”
“I am, but…well, you understand, I look a little off-the-beaten-path compared to other people. So they never treated me all that well.”
The moment Tsukihiko said it, the wistfulness clear in his voice, I immediately understood everything. A clear twinge of hostility materialized in my mind.
“…Just because of that?”
“Huh?”
“They did all of this to you, just because of that?”
A large bruise was manifesting itself clearly upon Tsukihiko’s face, his clothing wet and muddy.
The villagers must have done all of that to him.
I had barely the slightest interest in conflict between humankind, but Tsukihiko’s involvement was all it took for an intense resentment to take form inside of me.
Until I could treat these villagers to what they did to Tsukihiko—no, unless they had an even worse experience—I couldn’t see myself as even with them.
I stood up. Tsukihiko, picking up on my intention, stood before me, arms open.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t? Why shouldn’t I? Look at the pain you went through! The villagers shouldn’t have any complaints going through what you did.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m back here today now, so…”
The smile was still on his face.
I was seething with the desire for revenge, but with Tsukihiko himself stopping me, I was gripped by the odd feeling that something was wrong about my behavior. It made my chest hurt.
“…Why not? Doesn’t that make you angry?”
“Hmm? Oh, no…I mean, I don’t think they’re in the right here at all. That’s why I don’t want you doing the same thing they do.”
I had nothing to respond with.
…It was true. I didn’t want anyone to think I was the same as them.
The Missing Children Page 8