Vengeance.
I was going to kill him.
~Curtis~
It was dark when I woke up, and I knew Curtis was gone. I’d fallen asleep in his arms after he tucked me in and laid with me, whispering words of comfort to reassure us both. I knew he wasn’t here, but still I sat up and scanned the room for him. I noticed his phone was gone from the dock and the doors of his wardrobe were open. Just like Thomas used to do. I climbed out of bed, padded across the room to where my bag was on the floor, and pulled my bunny out. It smelled like Thomas and the pain surged into me again. I was back in the front seat of Thomas’ car. Specks of glass glistened in the darkness of the night; the moon, headlights and blue flashing lights of the approaching help caught the thick drips of blood that were spattered onto what was left of the windsheld. I needed to find Thomas, and reached out my hand to search for him. His seat was empty, but when I turned my head, he was looking at me, his blood-stained eyes fixed on me; they were the warm shade of strong coffee – the eyes that had captured me instantly and kept me safe – but there was no life left in them. He was gone and I couldn’t touch him.
Tears streamed from my eyes as I opened them and looked down at the bunny; a gift for the child we would never have, and a single tear dripped onto his pink nose and absorbed into the wool.
My life before now was insignificant, because I didn’t do the one thing I should have done – protected Thomas and given us the child we longed for. All that mattered now was revenge. Someone had to pay. Curtis and I would suffer, I knew that, but we weren’t the only ones to blame and those who were – he who was – would pay the ultimate price for ruining more than thirty years of our lives.
I pulled a clean outfit from my bag and got dressed, a new focus moving in as I realised what I had to do. I rushed through the apartment and threw open the front door…as a manicured hand came up to insert a key into a lock it would no longer fit in.
Charlie.
“You!” she seethed, glaring at me in disgust.
“Can I help you?” I asked sweetly, pretending I had no idea who she was.
“I should have known the trashy brunette would grab his attention.” She tried to step past me, but I left and slammed the door.
“That’s not the only thing I grabbed.” I said, squaring up to her and running my tongue along my top lip. “I also grabbed the base of his cock while he choked me with it.”
She gasped and scowled; I knew her blood was boiling and I was happy to help it boil over.
“You’ve lost him,” I continued. “He’ll carry on stealing with you and working alongside you until I say he’s had enough. But he’s mine. He was just putting up with you until we found each other.”
“Do you know who I am?”
She shoved me away, but I just laughed and shook my head. How do people react when they suspect they’re in the presence of madness? They retreat with their tail between their legs and prepare to beg for mercy.
“Sure,” I shrugged. “Charlie Tattersell, the woman who thinks she rules the world because she squeezes her body into tight white dresses and opens her legs for money. Short answer? Honey, you’re a whore…and everyone knows easy lays never win the prestigious prize.”
I turned and walked away, crossing the hallway towards the lift. I kept the display of bravado in place, but I was terrified. Curtis wanted me to stay away from Charlie and I’d just pulled the pin out of the grenade. The clock was ticking.
“I’ll make you suffer,” she called after me.
“Give it your best shot.”
I stepped into the lift and pushed the button to go down.
The taxi pulled up outside an old warehouse in the Camden; the place I’d asked the driver to take me to. The address Curtis had written on the paper he gave Benny. It looked deserted, like it hadn’t been occupied for years. There were no sounds, no signs of life, only a dim light in the distance,
“What is this place?” I asked the driver as I pulled together the money for the fare.
“Not somewhere someone like you wants to be.”
My skin prickled and I realised where I was. This was where Curtis fought. This was the place he punished his body, and I knew that’s what he was doing inside with Benny. I handed the money to the driver, ignoring his continued words of warning, and climbed out of the car. My shoes tapped on the cracked concrete, the tops of my feet numb from exposure to the cold night air and fear. There was only one sign of entry; a steel door lit by a flickering wall fixture above it. I stopped there and ignored my racing heart, through fear it would stop if I focused on the terror that rippled through me.
Every time I’d ever stepped into a building like this and watched a fight, someone had lost their life. Curtis was all I had and I would protect him no matter what. Should I go in and risk him losing focus, like Oliver, and watch him pay the ultimate price? Or should I stay away and turn around to go home, risking the regret and guilt if something happened and I weren’t there to save him?
I banged my fist on the door, my decision made.
It creaked as it opened and the darkness seeped out, surrounding me before a voice broke through it; a low, monotonous voice that belonged in the dark.
“Can I help you, pretty girl?” it asked.
“It’s Skillet,” I said, searching for a face and watching a man, as wide as he was tall, emerge from the shadows and fill the doorway. “I’m here for Curtis.”
“Sorry, can't help you, Skillet,” he replied, the words rolling from his tongue like I was the last morsel of dessert on Earth.
“Yes, you can. Cut Throat Curtis is here…let me in. Now.”
I channelled the authority I’d seen Curtis use to make others comply; my voice was strong with an edge of superiority. Curtis dominated everything he was part of; I knew he was king of this strange, mysterious place and, by default, I was the queen of it.
“Now,” I repeated through clenched teeth, ready to attack if he refused.
“It’s your death wish,” he said with a twinge of humour as he opened the door and I stepped in without a hint of hesitation.
“Where is he?”
“Put your arms out and walk in a straight line. I’m not paying the price for your stupidity by drawing you a map.”
He closed the door and just like that, I was surrounded by darkness with no choice but to stretch my arms out and walk. I took careful steps forward until my palms hit something cold. A door. I shoved it open and stepped into a lit hallway, lined with pallets and delivery cages. The walls were white, fluorescent lights flickered above me and there was only one destination the hallway led to – another door. I rushed towards it, refusing to think. I knew I was being irrational. I knew it was stupid to be here, alone, in a strange place, unable to anticipate the danger I was in, or what would happen next. I reached the other door after what felt like forever and threw my body into it as I pushed it open. The sound of what was inside was deafening.
Hundreds of male voices cheered and shouted a cacophony of words I couldn’t decipher. I was at the back, hidden behind the audience who were too engrossed in their idea of entertainment to notice my arrival. I stood out. Taking one step would alert them to the only woman in the building and I wouldn’t be able to fight one of them off, let alone hundreds of them. I snorted to myself and scanned the makeshift arena for Curtis. A synchronised “ooh” erupted from the crowd and it drew my eyes to the cleared space in the centre of the madness. A pit.
A body had been thrown out of the boundaries and the spectators nearest to him banded together to shove him back in. It was Benny, and as I lifted my eyes to find his opponent, already knowing the answer, I saw Curtis. I sighed in relief when I saw he was in one piece, and only the stitches on his brow had come away.
Without thinking, I began walking down the steps towards the fight; gasps hissed around the room and heads turned like a Mexican wave when I drew attention to myself. No one tried to hold me back, no one touched me – they didn’t dare. I
ignored them, taking each step slowly and methodically, as I remained focused and travelled along my newest path of insanity.
Each row of men, as I pushed my way through the crowd, stopped watching the fight and watched me instead. They knew why I was here and they were more interested in how this played out than watching two men drew blood. As I got nearer to Curtis and Benny, they noticed the reaction of the audience and stopped fighting to find out what was going on. Curtis’ eyes locked with mine and as he prepared to come to me, I raised my hand – a simple move that held him in place. He looked like a predator who had just been caught mid-kill, heaving for breath, hunched over and prepared to attack; hooded eyes interpreting potential risks, and the embarrassment of being caught by the one person he didn’t want to see him like this.
But he didn’t move.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes passed between the two of us, and the main crowd – the VIP seats if this were anything but a concealed, covert event – parted to let me through. I stopped at the threshold of the pit and slid my hands into the back pocket of my jeans. My eyes shot to Benny to make sure he was only as close to Curtis as I would allow and then I turned to my animal and stepped closer to him.
As if on instinct, a hundred men had bowed to the alpha-female and that woman was me. I was in control and I wasn’t letting anyone take it from me.
The tension in Curtis’ body eased marginally when I stopped in front of him and I ran the top of my index finger from the dip at the bottom of his neck, between his pecks, over the bumps of muscle on his stomach and to the waistband of his red sweats.
“A little motivation,” I said, slowing and lowering my voice to capture every ounce of his attention. “I won't have you getting hurt anymore, so I'm giving you something to fight for.” I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled his head down until we were so close I could taste the perspiration that lined his top lip. “End this. Now.”
I pressed a searing kiss to his mouth, the tip of my tongue tracing the seam of his lips, and I tugged on his bottom lip when I pulled back. The crowd cheered, marking Curtis as the crowd favourite, if he wasn’t before, and I stepped back, shooting a warning glare at Benny. The crowd cleared a spot for me and I settled in on the front row and nodded at Curtis. He nodded back. We were in the darkness together.
I forced myself to watch the fight; every dirty punch and strangling grapple. The electricity crackled around the building; this was no longer a mindless fight in the pit. It was the alpha staking claim on his woman in front of his pack. Should I have encouraged it? No. Should I have allowed it? No. But Curtis was going to fight no matter what. It was all he knew, and I refused to let it separate us. We were in this together, until the end, and that involved allowing him to do the alpha thing for all to see, so no one would threaten his position at the top again. I imagined the aggressive music he played earlier as they threw punches, elbows and knees at each other without wasting a second to think. Curtis growled, Benny growled back and they circled each other before striking again. Blood flew and sweat trickled. Stumbles. Grunts. Garbled cries of raw pain. The crowd were riled up, waiting for their chance to play a part, but Curtis kept Benny far away from me, and refused to look in my direction. I felt the energy build in every cell in my body, as if I were inside Curtis, fighting with him and as he planted his feet to the floor and beckoned Benny to come at him, I held my breath. Benny lunged forward but Curtis thrust the heel of his hand out, catching his nose and sent him tumbling back onto the ground. He yelled and covered his face, his eyes turned black almost immediately, and I knew Curtis had won. The men surrounding us cheered and I allowed a smile to trace my lips when Curtis and I locked gazes. He did it.
He didn’t celebrate. He didn’t take a second to lap up the victory. He launched himself at me and buried his head in my neck. His face was sweaty and bloody and as he smeared it on my exposed skin, it set my pulse racing.
“Nice to see you need a woman to be able to win,” Benny huffed and pounded his fist to the ground as he got to his feet.
“She’s my woman. The next time you threaten that, kid, I’ll kill you.”
Benny mumbled something from behind his hands, but Curtis ignored it, threw his arm around me and led me up the steps, out of the building I now knew as Joe’s.
My animal was safe. I’d protected him.
Eighteen
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it got much, much worse.
I had no words. Just anger…only anger.
~Curtis~
“Why did you come to Joe’s? I told you it isn’t safe.”
“And I told you I’d keep us safe. If I weren’t there you’d still be fighting, the reason why lost to the urge to punish yourself.”
“You’ve got me all figured out, huh?” He shot a smile at me, with a hint of the charisma twenty-five year old Curtis had.
“I’m part of you. I’m in this with you.”
He nodded and pulled away when the light turned green.
“Just don’t do it again, okay?”
I wasn’t going to promise that and I knew he didn’t really want me to; he wanted to protect me, but he knew he needed it as much as I did, if not more.
“What’s wrong with Geoff?” I asked, hoping he’d be able to have the conversation now that he had a sense of accomplishment.
“He’s sick.”
“I know. What is it?”
I tried to prepare myself for the answer. I thought I knew what it would be, but there’s no way to prepare to feel the pain of someone else. Someone who was so connected to you, you breathed at the same time.
“Cancer.”
“Curtis, I’m sorry.” I raised my hand to the back of his head and stroked the hair that brushed the collar of his t-shirt. I wasn’t sure if he liked it; his back stiffened against the driver’s seat, but he didn’t shake me off. “How much do you know?”
“Lung cancer.” His voice was robotic as he reeled off what he’d been told, void of emotion and detached, looking in from the outside to keep his feelings away. “Stage three. I’ve got him an appointment tomorrow to find out more.”
“Is that what Angelica arranged earlier?”
“Yes.” He let out a long, tight breath. “I’ve got to help him.”
“What treatment is he having now?”
He shrugged, “We didn’t get that far.”
“Hey.” I swallowed down the guilt and leaned over to kiss the top of his arm. Would they have got that far if he hadn’t found me in the ring? “It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to fall. I’ll catch you.”
“I can't. I can't fix this if I'm crying like a girl.”
He turned into the carpark for his building and parked in his spot.
“Come on,” I said, climbing out. “I’ve got an idea.”
***
The bathroom was filled with rose-scented steam as the water lapped and swirled around us. Curtis’ back was to my front, my legs extending along his until they ended just below his knee, and his head was laid back on my shoulder as I ran my hands through his wet hair. His eyes were closed, his breathing was calm and regular, his chest rising and falling in time with mine. It was the most relaxed I’d ever seen him and my heart filled with the gratitude that he had let his guard down and allowed me to care for him.
“Do you want to talk?” I asked, sliding my hands over his chest in an attempt to keep the tension away with a gentle massage.
“There’s so much to say, I don’t know where to start. Thinking about it makes me feel sick.”
“Do you want me to ask questions?”
“Sure.” He shrugged. “As long as you don’t stop.”
I pressed a kiss to his temple and smiled. I tapped his shoulder and pointed to the shampoo; he grabbed the bottle and squeezed some into my hand. Scraping my nails over his scalp, I lathered the shampoo into his hair. Curtis groaned and shifted, sending water sloshing over the edge of the bath, so I could reach every strand.
“I just hav
e one question,” I said. “I promise you, everyone who ever hurt us will pay for what they’ve done, but I want to know one thing.”
“Anything.”
“If things hadn’t gone wrong, what would you want to be doing right now?”
“At two in the morning?”
“Every day. What would your life be like if it weren’t for all the obstacles that try to bring you down?”
“I can't answer that.”
“You said anything.”
“Not that.” He tried to move away, but I clamped my legs around him and dug my nails into his hair. Just a tiny amount of pain brought him back to me. “It hurts to think about it.”
“I know,” I soothed, loosening my grip on him, and used my hand to cup water and rinse the bubbles out. “Give me your pain, Curtis.”
“I’m almost forty and I'm alone. I’ve never really dreamed of another life because I'm too angry with the one I've got to see any other alternative.”
“Dream now.”
He paused, but we needed to do this. He needed to do this. He had to realise we had something to reach for.
“I’d want to be with you. That’s one thing that has and never will change. But things would be simple; I wouldn’t have to force myself on you to keep you here. I’m too paranoid you’re going to leave that I can't enjoy you. We wouldn’t live here, we’d live outside the city where it’s safe and we’d be able to go for walks and picnics in the park. I’d travel for hours a day so I could get back home to you at night and know you were safe.
“We’d have children and they’d have their own rooms. They’d have your eyes and passion. I’d worry about the girls – making them wear longer skirts and insist on meeting every friend so I could pick out the risky ones. Our daughters would hate me but they’d be safe. I’d play football with the boys and make sure they respected and looked after you and their sisters. We’d have dinner together every night. I’d work through the night while you were all sleeping so I could be home in the evenings and hear about your days. I’d never complain about having to help with housework or shopping. I’d change every dirty nappy, every pee-stained bed sheet, and every mud-ruined rug.
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