by KB Winters
“Who are the new suppliers?”
“He’s been getting liquor from some new Irish organization. I did a little digging but couldn’t find much.”
“You mention that to the cops?”
“Should I?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. It seems a little too coincidental for me. He’s down and out, then suddenly he’s got a surge of cash and then switches the suppliers for the bar all around? What would be the point of that? You’ve worked with the same people for a dozen years before you handed the reins to Frankie.”
Uncle Paddy nodded. “I asked Frankie. He doesn’t know either. He and Jimmy never went back to the way they were after Jimmy won the bar off him in the bet.”
“Understandable.”
“He’ll be here tonight though, if you wanna ask him. See what he might know.”
“Thanks. I’ll do that.”
Uncle Paddy bent and picked up his brush, coated in the thick paint. “All right, let’s get this place up and running. Your ma will be here in a few hours with the decorations. I don’t want her to see any of this.”
“Sure thing,” I said, hurrying to get back to sweeping.
***
There was a certain comfort in being surrounded by the people I’d grown up with all my life. Family and the friends that may as well be called family. Everyone gathered in the bar until it was standing room only. A table had been turned into a shrine for Jimmy. His senior picture in the center, surrounded by a handful of others that my mother and father had picked out together earlier in the day. A few flowers sat amongst the photos and a handful of candles were lit. At the last minute someone said, “What about Tommy and Petey?” Their families hadn’t made plans for a wake so we said, sure and got some photos of them and put them on the pool table with flowers, too. But there was no mistaking. It was Jimmy’s bar. It was Jimmy’s wake.
The crowd was quiet considering its size. Most people spoke in hushed tones as they made their way through the room, saying hello to everyone. A few people carried handkerchiefs and tissues and cried softly into them. Others wore the blank look of dazed soldiers walking away from battle. I knew the look all too well.
No one could believe Jimmy was really gone.
Hell, I stared at the photo of him smiling back at me and couldn’t believe it myself. I half expected him to walk in from the back room with a rowdy holler and laugh when everyone’s jaws hit the floor.
But no. It wasn’t a sick prank or a terrible case of mistaken identity. Jimmy was gone. I was suddenly an only child. I glanced at my parents’ who were cloistered away in the corner with Uncle Paddy, his girlfriend, and a few of their closest friends.
Dad caught my eye. He excused himself from the group and came over to me with a look that said something heavy was weighing him down. After we toasted Jimmy’s picture once more with our beer bottles, he said, “You turned in that rental car yet?”
Even with all that was going on could I have expected anything else from my pops? Men of his generation lived and died by their cars.
“I’ll need it while I’m here. I have it parked in the alley in the back. Is it in your way?”
“No need to throw good money after bad on that rental shit, son. Use my car. If I have to go anyplace, take your mother to the doctor or something, I’ll use Jimmy’s car. He keeps the keys in a box behind the bar.”
So that was it. He was still my pops, looking out for me. I had to turn away for a second as that fact ricocheted off my gut. Then it hit me. I’m all he’s got left.
He reached into his pocket for his car keys and teared up as he handed them to me, a ritual we’d passed through when I was eighteen and never thought we’d have to revisit. Letting me drive the family car.
What did I care about the cost of a rental car? But I said, “Sure, Pops, thanks. This’ll help out,” swallowing hard against the knot in my throat.
As the booze started flowing, the party kicked into gear, but I had work to do. I’d already cornered Frankie on Paddy’s advice, but he didn’t know any more than what Paddy had already told me. He did say that he thought Jimmy might have gotten the sudden influx of cash from less than legitimate means but didn’t have much in the way of details or proof besides a hunch and the suspicious timing of it all.
The pieces were still scattered through my mind and with each new addition, the picture only seemed to get muddier. I had no idea why Jimmy would have gotten in so deep with poker games and other gambling ventures. It wasn’t like him. Sure, he’d always been the restless one. I’d joined the Navy and escaped Brighton at the first chance I got whereas Jimmy had stayed home. People often thought I was the risk-seeker of the pair, but it wasn’t true. At least not entirely. I’d joined the Navy to get away from the suffocating feel of my hometown. I had no interest in running a barbershop like Paddy or collecting rent checks like my pops or tossing drunks out of a bar for the rest of my life. The Malloys owned half the storefronts in our section of the neighborhood. It was expected for both Jimmy and me to grow up and take the reins from our father, just as Paddy’s son, Frankie, took the bar from him. Instead, I’d signed up to get as far away from that family tradition as possible.
I grabbed a beer from the tray on the bar and slipped out the side door. The crush of people with sad, pitying looks on their faces was too much. I needed air and space to breath. I sat down on the back stoop. The cement was cold enough to bite through my trousers, but I didn’t care about the frost in the air or the wind nipping at my cheeks. I drank the beer slowly and stared up into the starless sky. Logically, I knew it was the same heavens, but it appeared different than the sky I’d grown used to in the desert. Almost alien to me now.
I shook my head at my own wandering thoughts. “I’m sorry, Jimmy. I’m sorry I ran away instead of staying here to take my place as the leader. The guard dog. I should’ve been here, looking out for you. Maybe then you’d be sitting here with me like the last time I was home. You remember?” I stared at the sky, as though expecting a reply. I scoffed at myself. “We sat out here drinking whiskey, talking about life. You asked me if I’d gotten desperate enough to fuck a camel. Remember that? I’d only been a SEAL a few months.” I gave an empty laugh. “Still haven’t, in case you’re wondering.”
The next few swallows of beer turned bitter in my mouth as the smile fell away and tears pricked at the backs of my eyes. “It should’ve been me, man. I should be the one with my picture on that table in there. It would’ve been expected, ya know? I was the bat shit crazy one running around in the dead of night against the bogeys with fucking machine guns and RPGs. Mom and Pops would’ve been devastated, but at least it wouldn’t have been so sudden. Somehow everyone would’ve been more prepared. But this . . .” My voice trailed away and got lost in the bleak night.
The door opened, and I turned to find Emma standing in the doorway. She looked surprised to see me but didn’t retreat back inside. Instead, she came and sat beside me. For a long while, neither of us said a word.
Chapter Seven
Emma
“You holding up?” I asked Dylan, noting the way his shoulders slumped forward.
He rolled an empty beer glass between his palms. The frosted glass was etched with the Malloy crest and name. Dylan stared at the bit of foam at the bottom, swirling it in circles. After a long silence, he turned and looked at me. “I’m good. You?”
He was lying. It was written all over his face. We might have spent eight years apart, but I’d known him all my life. He wasn’t going to fool me. But something in his eyes told me to leave it alone. I dragged in a deep breath and leaned forward, propping my elbows on my knees. “Hanging in there. Seeing everyone is harder than I thought it would be, though.”
Dylan nodded. “How’s your little man taking it?”
My throat swelled at the question. “I’m not sure how to really answer. I don’t know what’s normal in this kind of situation. I wanted to keep him home from school today, but he insisted on g
oing. It was his first day back. I went to drop him off and talked to his teacher a little.” I paused and raked my fingers through my hair until I hit the elastic band securing my low ponytail. All at once it felt too constricting. I tugged it free and snapped it onto my wrist. “When I picked him up they said he’d had a few rough moments, but overall he handled himself well. We got home and I tried to feed him some dinner, but he just wanted to play with his LEGOs. He has about a billion of them. He and Tommy used to...well, it was kind of their thing. I suppose that’s why he wants to play with them now. Maybe it helps.”
At the crack in my voice, Dylan shifted and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I collapsed against his chest and sucked in deep breaths of the chilly night air. “I’m so sick of crying,” I told him.
“I know.”
“How are your folks?”
“As good as can be expected, I suppose. They’re mostly confused I think. No one knows what happened. Why? There’s no closure.”
I didn’t know what else to say. Dylan’s arm was still wrapped around me, and I burrowed a little deeper into him. I told myself it was to keep warm, but underneath that thin excuse there was a dark and dangerous truth that I wasn’t ready to voice yet. Not even to myself. For the moment, it was nice enough to just sit beside someone and not feel the need to be anything other than myself.
“What’s it like? Being a mom?”
I sat up a little, surprised by his question. “It’s—well, it’s great. I can’t say I’ve done a lot of truly good things in my life, but Tommy changes that. If I do nothing else right, I want to get that right. Be the best mom I can be. Especially...well, especially now.”
Dylan set aside the beer glass on the step below his booted feet. “I’d like to meet him.”
“Sure.” I twisted my fingers together. “Do you think you might want a family someday?”
Dylan shrugged. “I don’t really know. It’s not something on my radar.”
“Right . . .” I chewed on my lower lip. It seemed like a strange thing to ask if he didn’t want to actually talk about it.
After a moment, Dylan cleared his throat and shifted his eyes toward me. “Listen, Em, about last night . . .”
I held up a hand and moved out from under his arm. “Don’t worry about it. We were tired and probably a little tipsy.”
Dylan twisted to face me. “We can’t let that happen again. I respect you and Tommy’s memory too much.”
“I know. Me, too.”
We stared at each other for a long minute, neither of us sure what to say. There wasn’t a clear path out of the charged conversation. In the end, I pushed up from the stoop and moved back to the door. “See you inside?”
Dylan turned back to face the dark alley. “Yeah, in a minute.”
***
Another hour passed before the crowd started to thin out. I nursed a beer and spoke to whoever approached me at the bar. Most of them wanted to add their condolences about Tommy and to ask how little Tommy was holding up. After a few exchanges, they’d move on and make their way to a member of the Malloy family. Tommy’s folks never showed, though they were invited. Too much, I guessed. As things were dying down, Kate made her appearance. She embraced me and then took a seat on the chair beside me. “Good turn out?”
I gave a vague nod. “How’s Tommy?”
“Sleeping in Mom’s bed. They went in there half an hour ago to read together and when I got done with the dishes, they were both snoring. I’m sure Mom wanted to be here—”
“No, it’s better that she’s with Tommy. I don’t think he’d be ready for this anyway. The funeral is going to be bad enough. It’ll be the first one he’s ever attended.” I shook my head. “It shouldn’t be for his father.”
“Poor little sweetheart.” Kate nodded miserably. My sister could be a pain the ass sometimes, but she adores my little guy, I’ll give her that. She eyed the room as she sipped at a beer. I didn’t bother lecturing her that she was underage. Hell, at nineteen I’d done a lot worse.
“So, I hate to ask, but what’s going on with Dylan these days? You two seemed...tense...last night. Almost felt like I was interrupting something.”
“What are you implying?” I asked, an edge in my tone.
“Nothing. Just curious about how that meeting came about.”
“It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other,” I started. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dylan embracing his family. His mother, then his father, and then he moved for the front door. He stopped at the table adorned with Jimmy’s pictures. He poured himself a shot from the bottle on the table beside it, raised it to Jimmy and threw it back. His lips moved, but I couldn’t make out what he said. Then he shrugged into his coat and headed outside.
“Emma?”
I turned back to Kate. Her eyes darted to where mine had just been, and she twisted her delicate features into a puzzled expression. “What? Sorry—I just mean, we had some catching up to do.”
She frowned but then went back to drinking her beer without saying another word.
I slid off my stool. “Listen, I think we’re running low on ice. I’m going to run down to the corner store and get a couple bags for tomorrow.”
Her eyebrows peaked. “Uh huh.”
She didn’t buy it, not even for one second. I debated sitting back down. Saving face. But each second felt like an hour. I had no idea where Dylan was headed, and I didn’t want to lose him. “Go, go. I’ll tell the Malloys.”
“Thanks, Kate.”
I hurried for the door, zipping my thick coat as I stepped out into the cold. Dylan was a few blocks up, and I cursed my choice of footwear as I set off after him. The last thing I needed was to slip on a patch of ice and break my ankle. Moving as fast as I dared, I pursued Dylan. When I got close enough, I called his name. He turned, his body rigid. “Emma? What are you doing?”
I slowed my pace and met him on the sidewalk in front of the darkened storefront of a small family-owned coffee shop. “I saw you leave the pub. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
He stared at me just long enough that I started to feel heat creep across my cheeks. It was dark enough he wouldn’t notice my flushed face, but that didn’t stop me from wishing the sidewalk would open up and swallow me whole. What had I thought would happen? That Dylan would ride into town like some fairy-tale knight and take away all of my problems? God, he probably thought I was the dumbest girl in the world. Sitting around, waiting for his return, like a lovesick teenager waiting for her college boyfriend to come back for a visit over spring break.
Pathetic.
I took a step back. “You probably just want to be alone. Sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” I muttered. I started to turn around, but Dylan snagged my arm and held me in place. My eyes flew to his, and heat rushed through the rest of my body.
Dylan’s eyes flashed when he leaned in close enough that his body heat surrounded me. “I can’t promise you anything, Em.” His voice was gruff and raw.
“I’m not asking for anything.”
In a moment, he had me backed up against the brick wall, just beyond the ring of light cast from the dull street lamp. The darkness swallowed us up just as his lips found mine. It was frenzied and desperate just like the night before. My body reacted with such familiarity to his, as though it had been days, not years, since the last time we were together. His hands slipped under my coat and found my skin. The chill of his fingers quickly subsided as they moved down my side. I didn’t care who walked by or what they saw. All I could think about was the way Dylan’s lips moved down the side of my neck.
“God, I missed you, Em,” he growled into my ear. He slid his hands over my bra and I arched back, wishing there weren’t layers of clothing separating us. “You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamed about being with you again.”
If not for the cold, I probably would’ve let him take me into the alleyway between the coffee house and the neighboring shop, but the icy bricks behind my b
ack were enough to throw me off that plan. Dylan captured my mouth and dragged a moan from the depths of me. When he released me, I panted, desperate for breath. “Come on,” I breathed. “I know where we can go.”
He met my eyes but didn’t ask the question both of us were likely asking ourselves. Truth was, I didn’t know. It felt right but somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice was trying to remind me that it was wrong. But Dylan’s hands on my hips, his breath against my skin, and the smell of his cologne quickly drowned all that out. I’d worry about it later.
The diner was only a couple of blocks back the way we had come, but we went the long way to avoid walking past the pub again. We climbed the stairs silently, each keeping to ourselves. Dylan waited as I unlocked the door and then pushed me into the apartment. He clicked on the light in the small kitchen and scanned the main rooms before turning his eyes back to me. “We’re alone?”
I nodded. “Tommy’s with my mom. They’re asleep.”
He gave a firm nod, but his eyes looked distracted. I worried I was losing him but when his gaze found mine, it was clear there was one thing still on his mind. He reached for me, and the heat surged back as soon as the front door was closed. Dylan tore his coat off, dropping it where he stood. I shrugged out of my jacket and kicked off my shoes. Dylan mirrored me, stooping to unlace the ties on his boots. When they were loose, he tugged them off and stood them neatly next to each other against the wall. He grinned at me. “Some habits die hard.”
I smiled. “I like the boots. Makes you extra tall.”
He chuckled. “God, you’re so beautiful.”
“Still think so?” I asked, looking down at myself. I knew every flaw all too well. I was far from the nineteen-year-old girl he’d seen before he shipped off to boot camp. I had a child and despite my best efforts, still carried a little extra weight. My face was rounder and while I was still slender, my body had changed.