"That's much better," she said as she sat on the chair again, having tasted the tasil herself. "Stories come out more easily when you have something to wet the path of the words. As 1 began saying a minute ago, I was a Blade who felt the way you probably feel now: I'd earned something most women don't, enjoyed having and being that something, and had no intentions of giving it up. It didn't matter to me what other women did with their lives, I wasn't like other women so their standards didn't apply. And then I met Javin, who had been invited in by our Company captain, to make whatever might be needed by any of our Blades."
She sighed as she said that, sipping at her tasil, the look in her dark eyes having begun receding to another time and place.
"My sword had gotten badly nicked in the last fight we'd been in, and honing it had done more to weaken it than sharpen it up again," she continued. "1 went to Javin's tent to see if he had anything I'd be willing to put in my scabbard, and found that his work was the best I'd ever seen. We dickered a while over the price of a sword, came to an agreement, and then Javin asked me to have the evening meal with him. I'd liked the looks of him right from the first, so thinking he had nothing but sex in mind 1 accepted his invitation.
"That meal was the first of many, but it didn't end with the sex I'd thought it would. I didn't understand why Javin
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hadn't made the suggestion, but since he took care of it a few nights later the point didn't seem important. Back then I didn't real understand how some men think, and maybe that was for the best. If I'd know what he had in mind, I probably would have run.
"It was the very day my sword was ready that he decided the time was right," she said, sighing deeply a second time. "He arranged a special meal for us in a high-priced tavern in the good part of the city, paying for a private room, and when the meal was over he asked me to marry him. The first thing I did was laugh, thinking he was joking, but when I saw he was serious I immediately refused. I was a Blade, you understand, and even though I felt things for Javin that I'd never felt for any other man, all I wanted was to stay a Blade.
"Apparently Javin had been expecting that response, and had his arguments and explanations all ready. He told me that he hadn't invited me to bed those first couple of nights because he wanted to get to know me without sex getting in the way. Like a lot of men who had sex any time they wanted it, he was trying to find out if his interest went beyond rolling around in bed. Once he found it did, he didn't have to abstain any longer, and was at the point of wanting to marry me. I was upset but I refused him a second time, and that was when he explained why he thought I was wrong.
"He said he could understand my not wanting to give up what I'd earned, but if 1 looked at the question carefully I'd find that it was my duty to do it anyway. Special women show themselves to be special by what they accomplish, but they have to work so hard doing it that they don't want to give up what they've earned after they've earned it. That usually meant the women's abilities were lost through not being passed on to their children, leaving only the second-rate to pass on what little they had. It wasn't fair that a woman who was a Blade couldn't pass on her abilities while continuing to be a Blade the way men did, but it was women who were made to bear children and nothing could be done to change that. I had gotten what made me me from others who hadn't refused to pass on what they had, but 1 wasn't willing to do the same for those who were supposed to come after me. I'd had the opportunity to show what I could do, but if I refused to allow others the same chance there was nothing
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more anyone could say. He took me back to my barracks then, and for the next week didn't even try talking to me."
"Probably in an effort to increase the guilt he'd piled on you," I said, disliking the entire argument she'd been subjected to. "1 wonder how fast he would have given up being an armorer if your positions had been reversed. I've noticed that when people talk about duty, they usually mean other people's duty, never their own."
"It so happens that was exactly the way I felt," she said, smiling now with increased amusement. "I thought he was trying to talk me into something he'd never do himself, and then I found out what he'd neglected to mention: he'd been a Fighter and a damned good one, but had given it up when his abilities as an armorer had been discovered. I heard two of the Company Blades talking about it, how hard it was supposed to have been getting him to give up using weapons in favor of making them, but they were damned glad it had been managed. The new abilities he exercised helped everyone rather than just himself and those few around him, and hearing that really did make me stop and think. The world wasn't a pleasant enough place to make many people want to sacrifice themselves for it, but maybe it was that unpleasant because so many had refused the sacrifice in the past. And then I asked myself just exactly what it was that I was being talked into giving up."
"Why—you were being talked into giving up your life and your freedom," I said, stumbling over the words her eyes had challenged me to supply. "You had earned the right to be a Blade, and should have been left to be that in peace. Instead you were being urged to trade freedom for the chains of marriage, the chains your ability had until then let you avoid. It simply wasn't fair."
"And fairness is important," she said with a nod, still smiling. "It didn't matter that I had to be better than the men around me in order to be a Blade in the first place, because it wasn't a matter of fairness—it was a matter of survival. But we were discussing what I was being asked to give up, and my view of it then doesn't quite match yours now. I wasn't really being asked to give up what I'd earned, because I'd already earned it and nothing could change that. If I'd stayed with my Company, I would have kept active Blade status—
until the day I lost it in a fight the permanent, final way. And as far as freedom goes—do you need to be in one special place doing one special thing in order to be free? If you're really free, you're free wherever you are and whatever you're doing. I discovered that I wanted to exercise my freedom with Javin, and never found myself regretting the decision."
"A decision that was still made by you," I said, finding that I didn't care to dwell on what she'd said. "It wasn't one made for you by others without once asking your opinion, making you feel like an unimportant, unconsulted slave. Paying back what you owe isn't quite as easy when you've been made to feel you don't owe anyone anything."
"1 can see where that would make a difference," she granted, her gaze touched with a trace of sympathy. "Javin did his best to try forcing me into wanting to many him, but if his plans hadn't worked he wouldn't have accepted an unwilling bride. Have you told your big friend anything at all about how you feel?"
"Until my throat was dry and raw with the effort," I said, nodding in disgust. "He has his own reasons for wanting to marry me, and couldn't care less that I'm unwilling. That's one of the reasons he's being very careful not to let me get my hands on a weapon. He knows what will happen if 1 do."
"You say he doesn't care that you're unwilling," she came back, considering the point with a frown. "I know this probably won't make much difference to you, but—have you considered the possibility that he can't give you up? He seemed to be trying awfully hard to smooth things over, which he wouldn't have done if he simply didn't care. Any man can take an unwilling bride, but to take an unwilling Blade? When he knows what she's capable of? Either he has to be completely insane—or so helplessly in love that no one can tell the difference. Which do you think it is?"
She was looking at me with her head to one side, the question hanging in the air between us, her faint smile doing nothing to help me think. It was preposterous suggesting that he might be in love with me, but what she'd said— Why was he insisting on going through with it all? Simply because he was an enemy? But being an enemy didn't mean he was stupid, and surely he knew how close I was getting to deciding to end my problems b
y ending him? If I killed him
J
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without witnesses around, it was conceivable I might get away with calling it an unfortunate accident, which would leave his people out in the cold—right along with his unmov-ing carcass. And if what I thought didn't matter to him, as it shouldn't have, why did he continue to insist that it did? In order to fool me? But if I wasn't being fooled, why didn't he stop? And why had he been so upset about not having satisfied me? Because he was pretending to be nice? But why pretend? Why, why, why, why, why?
"Maybe you'd better start washing now," Indris said, rising from the chair to take the cup I was simply holding and staring at. "That water cools rather quickly, and sitting in cold, dirty water isn't much fun."
"No, it isn't," 1 agreed, doing my best to push away the confusion of the thoughts rattling around in my head. It felt like I'd been sitting in cold, dirty water for quite some time, and it was going to take more than washing to get me out of it. It was going to take thinking, which I would get to as soon as 1 was out of that bath.
Chapter 11
I spent the time until the meal was ready in a small sitting room not far from the kitchen, relaxing in a rocking chair and trying to wade through the mire in my mind. The only clothes Indris had had to give me was a long-skirted red print dress that no longer fit her, and although it wasn't quite as long on me it wasn't in any way short—or even close to the leathers I was used to wearing. I had been given a real pair of sandals to go along with it, but if I hadn't been so distracted its very full skirt and short sleeves would have driven me close to—distraction.
1 sat and rocked and tried to get my thoughts in order, but the more I thought the more confused I became. All those whys kept flying around, refusing to resolve themselves, until I was forced to ask myself some very pointed questions. Was Kylin my enemy and the enemy of my family? Yes. Did it really matter why he was doing what he seemed to be doing? No. Could it all be part of some devious plan he or his cohorts had come up with? Certainly. If I let any of it affect me, would that be disloyal to my family? Damned right it would be, so what difference did the rest of it make?
"It only makes a difference if you take up being stupid for a hobby," I muttered to myself, reaching for the cup of brew I'd been given to keep me company. "If what Indris said was true and he does have some unexpected feelings for you, that only makes things worse, not better. If he'd been prepared to give up his original plans and friends, he would have said so days ago to further his cause. That he didn't say so means he won't, so all you can do is go on doing what you've been doing."
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A beautifully clear and concise conclusion, I thought as I took a swallow of the brew. It looks like I've just decided to continue going as crazy as I've been going, but of course I could be wrong. Maybe it means I'll be going even crazier.
"Damn it, it's him you've got to drive crazy," I muttered out loud again, realizing that craziness was something I seemed to be very well qualified to deal with, and then the rest of the thought clarified itself. "If you push him out of whatever he thinks he feels for you, he'll wake up to the danger he's in from an unhappy Blade and will probably get smart enough to walk away from the ungodly mess. If he doesn't, you can always fall back on that 'accident' idea."
That suddenly seemed to make a lot of sense, but it didn't give me much time to put it into effect. We'd be leaving the village the following morning and would be at my father's castle not far past midday, so I'd have to—
"Indris asked me to tell you the food is ready, so why don't you come and join us now?" a voice interrupted my thinking, causing me to look up and see Veslin. He had opened the door and stepped into the room, and smiled when my eyes were on him. "I knocked before coming in, but when I didn't get an answer I thought you might have fallen asleep. Whatever it was you were so deep in must be fairly important."
"Fair to middling," I agreed as I rose from the chair, taking my cup of brew with me. "But I think I have it all straightened out now."
"Good," he said with a warmer smile, opening the door wider to give me room to follow him out. I could see he had changed clothes from earlier in the day, but was still wearing the same black and white combination he'd previously had on. "If you need a friendly ear or even an opinion on something, don't forget I'm here. Evon doesn't ask that we handle all our problems by ourselves, only the ones we must."
"I know that and I'll remember it," ! said with a smile of my own, committing to nothing but remembering. The must of my problem was clear enough to me, and I didn't really want it any other way.
The large kitchen had had a table for eating at in it, but Indris had apparently decided her company deserved to eat in her
*ft
*$*r
txs
dining hall. The room was tiny compared to my father's, of course, but for a house that size, bigger than what was usually found in a village, it was more than adequate. The board, of a size to fit the room, was being used double-sided, with chairs at each end and one in the middle of each of the long sides. Indris seemed to be adding the very last of the dishes as her father and I walked in, leaving Kylin to come up to us alone. He was now dressed in dark gray trousers and a tan shirt, both of homespun that had seen better days, but there were no ruffles or fancy folds that his brown boots had to work to overcome. With the new outfit, even his red swordbelt looked less ridiculous, and his silvered hilt didn't look ridiculous at all.
"I think these last couple of days have spoiled me," he said with a smile, looking down at me with eyes brightened by lamplight. "I've spent these few hours we've been apart missing you, and I'm glad you're here now, especially in that dress. It really suits you."
"Not as well as leathers do," 1 answered, looking away from him and making sure he didn't take my hand the way he was trying to do. "As soon as I get home, I'll be changing back."
"No sense in standing around, let's sit down," Veslin said
into the following silence, saving me from any more of what
.I'd just had to listen to. I hated it when my enemy spoke that
:way, making me feel strange and stupid, distracting me from
. What I knew I had to do. Reacting to nonsense like that made
>me mad, which was a benefit any way you looked at it. When
' it comes to playing games with an enemy, mad is a thousand
times better than stupid.
"Sofaltis, you sit here," Indris said from the chair in the
middle of the near side of the board, watching calmly as we
came toward her and pretending she hadn't heard anything of
fee recent exchange. "Kylin, the place opposite Sofalits is
' :yours, and father, yours is where it always is. Let's get to this
food before it goes cold and tasteless." : Veslin walked around to the right of my place to hold fedris* chair while she sat, and I had to endure the same from man who was working hard not to be discouraged. Kylin the fact that I was ignoring him and his efforts, and . another minute or so everyone was "seated. Veslin poured
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the wine while Indris started the food passing around, and happily the cooking was more than good enough to take my mind off everything else.
Our host and hostess carried most of the conversation during the meal, and after a short while it wasn't difficult seeing that they had decided to "help out" just a little. One or the other would ask Kylin a question, listen to his answer, and then try coaxing me into joining the dicussion. The object of their solicitude did his own part in the effort, but I'd decided that vast disinterest in everything discussed was the most useful attitude I could have. Combined with distraction, it worked out very well.
"... and I can't understand what
Prince Traffis expects to gain from starting that war," Indris said at one point, taking up a remark made by Veslin. "Even if he happens to defeat the King, no one will accept him as legitimate ruler. He'll have every noble and peasant against him, every hand that can hold a weapon. Without a single tie to any of the noble families and without a single friend, ending the first war will win him nothing but the start of a second."
"Only as long as he doesn't have any of those friends you just mentioned," Kylin said, continuing with his food even as he spoke. "If it turns out that he does have unexpected backing, there might not be enough people willing to start a second all-out war. The Kingdom will be occupied by his foreign troops, we'll have looting and rape and all kinds of brutalities to cope with, too many people will decide to change sides just to save their worthless necks, and no one will know who can be trusted. At that point, whatever officials are left just might decide to salvage what they can by acknowledging Traffis and asking him to curb his followers. Once something like that starts it's usually impossible to stop, and when the final dust clears Traffis will have the entire Kingdom."
"With only scattered pockets of resistance for his troops to handle whenever they please," Indris said with a nod, disgust in her tone. "Yes, I know it can happen that way just as it has in other places at other times, so we'll have to hope Traffis does prove to be all alone. What do you think, Sofaltis?"
"My Company didn't find his troops all that hard to han-
dle," I said with a shrug, paying more attention to my wine than to what I was saying. "When I get back to the north, I'll make a special effort to see that there are a lot fewer of them left to do any looting and raping afterward. If there is that sort of an afterward."
There was something of a silence after that, one I pretended I didn't notice, and then the man sitting across from me made a sound showing the annoyance he'd been holding in for most of the meal.
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