"I hope you're not going to try that practical joke with my luggage again."
"Aw, c'mon sis, it was fun watching you try to explain the trapeze to the TSA agent."
"Yeah, real funny."
"Hey, it got us on Page Six in the Post and Scott's book sales skyrocketed."
The image from the newspaper flashed through my mind. "You weren't the one photographed holding the trapeze bar in a suggestive way. Speaking of flying trapezes, how's our daring young man doing?"
"He was just staggering into the shower. We did, after all, drain him of all bodily fluids last night."
"That's our motto," I said. "Leave nothing but an empty husk." I tossed her the paper. "By the way, we're front page news here."
Her eyes widened as she saw our photo and began to read the story. A sly smile grew across her face. "Ah, good to know someone thinks we're stunning."
I looked out onto the water, still amazed at how my life had changed in such a short time. I heard footsteps, turned and saw Scott walk onto the deck in a white bathrobe as he ran a towel through his hair.
"Good morning, girls," he said. His gravel voice told me he was still not wide awake. He stretched his eyes open as he took in the view. (The twins in bikinis, not the water.)
"Morning," we both said in unison. (He's also turned on by the fact we have that identical twin thing going where we speak in stereo or finish each other's sentences.)
"So, anything on the agenda before we leave for France?"
We both stood up and moved closer to him.
"Well... there is a special sale today," said my sister.
Scott nodded. "Oh, really?"
"Uh-huh," I said, running one long red fingernail down the gap of his robe. "And you're the only customer with a coupon." I looked at my sister and winked, giving her the cue to start. We both began to undo our bikini tops.
"Women's swimwear, half off," we both said in unison as we dropped our bikini tops to the floor.
"Now that," said Scott, losing eye contact as his gaze drifted lower, "is my kind of coupon."
Copyright 2012 © N.J. Harlow / Accio Books
(If you enjoyed Fifty Shades of Thrifty,
check out the following excerpt from N.J. Harlow’s novel...)
WING GIRL
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2013 © N.J. Harlow
Published by Accio Books
"Dating you would be like dating Mike Wallace," said the dark haired hunk who could easily be considered for a certain magazine's Most Beautiful People issue.
Before you get the wrong idea about that comment, let me say that I do not in any way, shape or form physically resemble the legendary reporter. I'm actually a slender redhead with emerald green eyes, classic high cheekbones with a constellation of freckles, little dimples when I smile, a whiskey voice that sounds like it lives in a smoky bar and channels Demi Moore. Though tonight it's all packaged in a brown paper wrapper consisting of a bulky sweater and pants, while my hair is always up in a tight bun and the eyes peer through Coke-bottle glasses. Gotta maintain the journalistic credibility. If you wanna be taken seriously as a woman in my business, you can't play the glamour card.
But as for the Mike Wallace comment, I am the city's most recognizable and feared investigative reporter who channels the 60 Minutes icon every chance I get.
So I sorta get what the guy's saying, but then again I don't. Does he mean that he admires my work as much as that of the broadcasting legend? Or that when he kisses me he'll be thinking of an eighty year old guy who's dead?
So I asked. "I'm not sure how to take that."
He leaned forward and I felt his knee gently brush mine, sending a bit of electricity through my body. "Oh, it's a compliment," he said with a smile. "I mean, everyone knows you're the best reporter in town."
I tried to hold back a smile but couldn't as I looked at this Greek god with the chiseled jaw line sitting before me in a dark gray windowpane suit. The rest of the bar faded to grayscale as he provided the only color in the room. His deep blue eyes became beacons as I caught a faint whiff of Fendi cologne. A subliminal daydream whipped through my mind and I saw myself being carried to the bedroom by those broad shoulders, my legs wrapped around his slim hips.
However, given enough ointment, there's always a fly.
"But..." he said.
Oh shit, here it comes.
Again.
"I just know if I asked you out you'd probably run a background check on me and unearth any skeletons I have in my closet. And I would never be able to lie to you. I mean, no one lies to Belinda Carson and gets away with it."
Investigative reporter red flag alert. "Does that mean you lie to all the women you date?"
"I didn't say that—"
I leaned forward, eyes narrowed a bit. "But you have lied to women before or you wouldn't have brought it up."
"Why do you think that?"
"Your previous statement implies that you have been less than truthful with previous girlfriends. What aren't you telling me?"
He looked to one side, flashed a crooked smile. "Geez, lady, turn it off."
"Turn off what?"
"The investigative reporter thing. What's next, hot lights and thumb screws?" He downed the rest of his drink and stood up. "Look, I don't think this is gonna work. It was nice meeting you, Belinda." He shook his head and smiled. "Wait till I tell the guys at the office I got interrogated by the Brass Cupcake."
Yeah, that's my nickname in the Big Apple, courtesy of those clever headline writers at The Post. Great for journalism, a killer when trying to meet men.
The colors returned to normal in the trendy watering hole. Half the crowd leaned against the brass rail running the length of the dark oak bar, while the tiffany lamps above the small round tables provided subdued light to the other half. My best friend Ariel Baymont slid her tall, willowy frame into the next chair and quickly noticed the previously occupied seat at our table was now empty. "What happened to the total package who was here five minutes ago?"
I exhaled, shook my head and looked down into my nearly empty glass.
"You did it again, didn't you?"
"Yeah," I muttered, then slugged down the remainder of my rum concoction.
"Trying to drown your sorrows?"
"I would, but the little bastards have learned how to swim."
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and I leaned my head on hers. "Aw, sweetie, we're going to have to work on your bedside manner."
"You're assuming a man has been remotely close to my bed."
She pulled back and gave me a soulful look with her ice blue eyes. "Well, all is not lost. We'll try again this weekend. Anyway, the cute guy who was hitting on me earlier wants to go someplace where we can talk."
"So you're taking him home."
She shrugged, then started to twirl her shoulder length straight honey blonde hair with one finger. "We can talk there as well as anyplace."
I raised one eyebrow. "Talk. Right."
"You know, I can see why you're such a good reporter. You really are a human lie detector."
"Yeah, I might as well change my name to Polly Graph."
"Cute. Anyway, we still on for Saturday night?"
"Thanks to my aforementioned bedside manner, my dance card is clear."
She leaned over and kissed me on the side of the head. "Great. I'll see you then. Hang in there, Wing Girl."
***
Before we go any farther, I should explain the "Wing Girl" concept and how it applies to me, since that is my current after hours nickname.
As most women know, a good looking guy will often cruise the bars with a "wing man" at his side, the theory being that men in pairs can separate women in mismatched pairs (one attractive, one not), using a divide and conquer tactic designed to liberate the good looking woman from the skank. This presumes that the hot girl will not take off and leave her unattractive friend to fend for herself. The wing man swoops in like a dog after a pork chop and takes
one for the team, chatting up the skank while his friend moves in on said hottie, who no longer feels obligated to keep her homely friend company and is thereby freed to engage in extracurricular activities.
It's a little different for those without a Y chromosome, and totally opposite in my case. Here's the deal. When it comes to attracting the opposite sex, I am to my friends what a puppy is to a single guy.
Ariel and my circle of friends have dubbed me "Wing Girl" because I end up taking one for the team every time. However, the strategy my friends use is backwards. Since I am a very recognizable member of the media, it's a case of moths, meet flame. (I being the flame in this equation.) I'm not sure if it's the fame thing or the challenge of possibly nailing the Brass Cupcake, but it works, drawing in attractive men who I naturally turn off, leaving my friends with very delectable leftovers. My friends always end up with positive results while I finish the evening without so much as a request for a phone number. My Wing Girl moniker started out as a term of endearment, something fun, but lately it's beginning to wear thin.
I don't mean to repel men like a Star Trek force field. Really, I don't. But as I approach the big three-oh, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to drop my "prosecutor from hell" persona when I'm off the clock. And I really want to. Before that other clock, the biological one that's ticking louder every day, strikes twelve.
Because, and don't ever tell my boss this, beneath the brass lies a real cupcake looking for her perfect icing.
***
"Cupcake, you really nailed the Senator last night."
My boss, the grizzled Harry Coyne, whose face is so wrinkled it would tie up a dry cleaner for a day, smiled as I took a seat at the conference room table for the morning meeting, his daily sit-down with the dozen reporters on the dayside staff.
"Thanks," I said.
Now before we get the PC police involved in this, let me explain a little about newsroom language. We usually call each other by last names, or, in my case, nicknames. And you might think that a man calling a woman "Cupcake" in the office would violate a litany of sexual harassment laws and cause thousands of dollars of "emotional stress" to the recipient of said nickname. But since I'm cool with it and the rest of the staff knows it, it's not a big deal.
Of course, the first time Harry called me Cupcake the Human Resources troll happened to be within earshot and her harassment sniffing dogs confirmed that this improper term of endearment was, in fact, being used by men in the newsroom. I explained to her that it originated in The Post, we all thought it was funny (as well as dead-on appropriate), I actually liked the nickname and considered it a compliment. The troll, a two hundred pound fireplug, actually typed up a release form which I had to sign saying I approved of the term and would not sue the station nor hold anyone accountable should I suddenly decide to become offended. That night after the troll went home, one of our photographers went down to her office with a chisel and added the prefix "In" to the "Human Resources" nameplate outside her door. Now she had the nickname "Inhuman Resources" which spread through the station like wildfire and stuck like superglue.
Back to the original comment, in which Harry highlighted the fact that I "nailed" the Senator. While this might have meant something sexual had I been a Washington, DC intern in a blue dress, the term "nailed" in the news business meant that I exposed some serious shit about a politician, in this case, a New York State Senator.
And you have to understand where Harry's coming from. He broke into the business in the dinosaur age, when smoke filled newsrooms were populated by nothing but men and the only women in the building were secretaries. When the women's movement was making inroads into the biz, the men lived by the mantra "keep the broads out of broadcasting" as they fought an unsuccessful battle. Harry is still old school on the subject of equality in the television news industry, thinking most women are simply eye candy, but he loves me because he says I'm "one of the guys."
You beginning to see my problem?
Harry just turned sixty, and doesn't look a day over seventy-five. The shock of white hair and the closely cropped matching beard doesn't help. His gray eyes are framed by a flock of crows feet. He's short and stocky, maybe five-six, with a bay window from too many trips to the tavern across the street for a cold one after the newscast. The trademark red suspenders harken back to a bygone era. He paced around the glassed-in conference room channeling DeNiro with that baseball bat in The Untouchables, whacking a ruler into his hand as he recapped the previous newscast. "Yessir, damn fine reporting." Tap, tap, tap. He stopped behind the reporter who would be this morning's victim, fortyish general assignment reporter Bob Evanson, then rested the ruler on the man's shoulder like he was knighting the guy. "She woulda done a better job on your piece last night."
Evanson looked over his shoulder as fear crept into his dark eyes. (Evanson, it should be noted, is a product of Catholic school and therefore has an genetic fear of rulers.) "All the facts checked out, Harry. What was wrong with it?" he asked, voice cracking a bit.
"Oh, nothing was wrong with it," said Harry, continuing his parade around the room. "You didn't go for the kill shot. You had the guy and you let him off with a slap on the wrist. Softball questions." Tap, tap, tap. "Just lob the damn things over the plate like it's a beer league."
"I thought my questions were valid."
"Yeah, they were valid, but soft. The Cupcake woulda nailed his ass to the wall and lit up a cigarette afterwards on the set." (Interesting visual that would no doubt land me on the front page of The Post.) He stopped, then turned to face the reporter. "You know the difference between you and her, Bob?" He pointed the ruler at Bob, then me.
Evanson rolled his eyes and exhaled audibly. "No, Harry. What?"
"You're too nice. You never go for the jugular. What makes her a great reporter is that she's a bulldog with absolutely no social skills."
My head jerked back like I was hit with a blow dart.
"Ouch," said feature reporter Stan Harvey, who was sitting next to me. "That one left a mark."
Harry glanced at me with his best attempt at a apologetic look. "No offense, Cupcake."
"None taken," I said, lying through my slightly quivering lips.
And for the first time in my eight years in the business, I almost showed emotion.
Almost.
But I felt it.
CHAPTER TWO
Most interventions are surprises, hitting the target when he or she least expects it. In most cases, the focus is on someone with a drug or alcohol problem. Friends get together and confront the person, hopefully forcing that person to take action and deal with the problem.
So I was surprised when I walked into Ariel's impeccably decorated apartment on Saturday afternoon and found her and my two other closest friends sitting in a circle next to a whiteboard on an easel. It kinda stuck out amidst all the antique furniture.
"Let me guess," I said. "This is either an Amway meeting or you haven't noticed this whiteboard clashes with your decor."
"Wing Girl, we need to talk," said Ariel, who then patted the empty space on the dark brown leather couch next to her.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked.
"It's an intuhvention," said Roxanne Falcone, the short but buxom raven-haired sister from Brooklyn I never had.
"I don't have a drinking problem," I said.
"No, you have a man problem," said Serena Dash, the tall, doe-eyed brunette lawyer who despite average looks manages to spend her nights looking at more ceilings than Michelangelo.
My jaw hung open. "So, what are you guys gonna do, list my bad qualities on the board?"
"No, sweetie," said Ariel. "We're taking you to charm school."
My face tightened. "Charm school? Are you implying I am without charm?"
All three looked away from me, at each other, then down at the hardwood floor.
And then I heard Harry's voice in my head. Absolutely no social skills.
"I've had boyfriends in the
past," I said, in what I knew was a lame attempt at defending said charm.
Roxanne rolled her eyes. "Again with the college professuh."
"He was nice," I said.
"He was an illegal alien who wanted to marry you for a green card," said Ariel. "And don't even bring up that fling with the student in that career day class you taught who just wanted a job at your station."
I felt my lip quivering a bit. Serena noticed, got up, put her arms around me and gave me a strong hug. My eyes narrowed as I bit my lower lip, trying to keep my emotions in check.
Serena pulled back and looked at me. "Let it out, Wing Girl. For once, just let it out."
"The Brass Cupcake doesn't cry," I said, standing up straight, arms folded. "There's no crying in news."
"Great, now she's channeling Tom Hanks," said Roxanne.
"You're not an investigative reporter when you're with us," said Ariel. "You're our dear friend who we know has a huge heart. The problem is, no man can see it. It's locked away in some journalism vault by this Brass Cupcake alter ego who thinks that if she lets it out her career will dive headfirst into the shitter."
"Let it out," said Roxanne.
"There's nothing to let out!"
"We want you to be happy," said Ariel.
"I am happy," I said. "My career—"
"With your life! Ariel got up and tapped me on the head with one knuckle. "Hello! McFly! There's more to life than work."
Serena took me by one hand and led me to the couch. "Honey, if you keep going the way you're going you'll end up like one of those crazy cat ladies."
I sat down on the soft leather and let out an audible exhale. I knew they were right. I repelled men. And I did like cats an awful lot. "Fine," I said. "So what's the deal with this charm school?"
"First," said Ariel, as she moved to the white board and grabbed a magic marker, "we're going to start with what you're looking for in a man."
"Pffft. I'll settle for breathing at this point," I said.
"Be serious," said Serena.
"Give us the qualities you're looking for," said Ariel.
***
Ten minutes later we all looked at the very long list compiled on the board. Bright sunshine spilled through the large window, illuminating the room but shedding no light on my problem.
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