6(6 1 am, Hender,' says I, 'and I want my waistcoat, also my hat.'
" Hender gave a confused look to the wife, and says she, ' The waistcoat has been sold for rags, and I gave the hat to tinklers.'
66 e Hender Haggart,' says I, ' is this so ? '
" Hender a sort of winked, meaning that we could talk the thing ower when Nanny wasna there, but I couldna wait.
" ' I think, Nanny/ sayc I, pointedly, ' as I'll take a look at these mice of yours.'
" ( Ye'U do no sich things,' says she.
" ' I'm thinking,' says I, ' as I'll find a black waistcoat on the top of that press, and likewise a Sabbath hat.'
" Hender couldna help giving me an admir- ing look for my quickness, but Nanny put her back to the press, and says she, ' Hender, am I to be insulted before your face ? '
" Hender was perplexed, but he says to me, ' Ye hear what Nanny says, Tammas ? '
" ' Ay,' I says, ' I hear her.'
" 'He hears ye, Nanny,' says Hender.
90 A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL.
" ' But I want my lawful possessions/ I cries.
" Render hesitated again, but Nanny repeats, 'Hender, am I to be insulted before your face?'
" * Dinna insult her before my face/ Hender whispers to me.
" ' I offer no insult/ I says, loud out, e but I've come for my waistcoat and my hat, and I dinna budge till I get them.'
" ' Ye've a weary time before ye, then/ says Nanny.
" ' I wonder ye wouldna be ashamed to keep a man frae his belongings/ I said.
" ( Tell him they're yours, Hender/ she cries.
" ( Ye see, Tammas/ says Hender, e she says they're mine.'
" ' Ay/ I says, ( but ye canna pretend they're yours yersel', Hender ? '
" ' Most certainly ye can, Hender/ says Nanny.
" ' Ye see that, Tammas/ says Hender, triumphant.
" ' And how do ye make out as they are yours ? ' I asks him.
A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL. 91
" e Tell him/ cries Nanny, ' as ye got them for helping in his burial.'
" ' Tammas/ says Hender, ' that's how I got them.'
" ' Maybe/ I says, ' but did I give ye them ?
" e Say he was a corp/ Nanny cries.
" ' Meaning no disrespect, Tammas/ says Hender, ' ye was a corp.'
" ( How could I have been a corp/ I argues, ' when here I am speaking to ye ? '
" Hender turned to Nanny for the answer to this, but she showed him her back, so he just said in a weak way, ' We'll leave the minister to settle that.'
" ' Hender, ye gowk/ I says, ( ye ken I'm living ; and if I'm living I'm no dead.'
" Lads, I regretted I hadna put it plain like that to Davit Whamand. However, Hender hadna the clear-headedness necessary to follow out sich reasoning, and he replies,
" ' No doubt/ he says, ' ye are living in a sense, but no in another sense.'
" ' I wasna the corp/ I cried.
" ' Weel, weel, Tammas/ says he, in a fell dignified voice, « we needna quarrel on a matter of opinion.'
92 A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL.
t( I was just beginning to say as it was more likely to be the waistcoat we would fall out about, when in walks Chirsty in the most flur- ried way.
" ' Tammas Haggart,' she pants, f come name this instant ; the minister's waiting for ye.'
" Which minister ? " I asks.
" e None other/ she says, looking proudly at Nancy, 'than the Auld Licht minister.'
" Lads, I shook in my boots at that, and I says, ( I winna come till I've got my hat and my waistcoat.'
" ' What,' screams Chirsty, ' ye daur to keep the minister waiting ! ' and she shoved me clean out of the house."
What the minister said to Haggart is not known, for Tammas never divulged the con- versation. Those who remained on the watch said that the minister looked very stern when walking back to the manse, and that Chirsty found her husband tractable for the rest of the evening. The most we ever got out of Tam- mas on the subject was that though he had met many terrifying folk in his wanderings, they were a herd of sheep compared to the minister. He had sometimes to be enticed out
A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL. 93
of the reverie into which thought of the min- ister plunged him.
" So it was next day ye dandered up to the grave ? " we would say craftily, though well aware that he did not leave the house till Monday.
" Na, na, not on the Sabbath day. When I wakened in the morning I admit I was terribly anxious to see the grave, as was natural, but thocht of the minister cowed me. I would have ventured as far as the grave if I had been able to persuade myseP I wasna going for pleasure, but pleasure it was, lads. Ay, there was no denying that."
" Chirsty was at the kirk ? "
" She was so, and in her widow's crapes. I watched her frae the window. Ay, it's no everybody as has watched his own widow."
" Na, and it had been an impressive spectacle. How would ye say she looked, Tammas ? "
" She looked proud, Bobbie."
" She would ; but what would ye say she was proud of ? "
" Ah, Robbie, there you beat me. But I can tell ye what she was proud of on the Monday."
"What?"
94 A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL.
" Before porridge-time no less than seven women, namely, three frae Tillyloss, twa frae the Tenements, and twa frae the Roods, chaps at the door and invites her to a dish of tea. That's what she was proud of, and I would like to hear of ony other woman in this town, single or married or a widow, as has had seven invita- tions to her tea in one day."
" The thing's unparalleled ; but of course it was to hear about you that they speired her ? "
" Oh, of course, and also to get out of her what the minister said to me. Ay, but can ony of ye tell me what's the memorablist thing about these invitations ?"
" I dinna say I can, but it's something about the grave."
" It's this, Snecky, that before Chirsty had made up her mind whether to risk seven teas in one day, I had become a humorist for life."
"Man, man, oh, losh! "
" Ay, and it's perfectly appalling to consider as she was so excited about her invitations that when I came down frae the cemetery she never looked me in the face, and I had to say to her, 6 Chirsty Todd, do ye no see as something has come ower me ? ' At that she says, ( I notice
A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL. 95
you're making queer faces, but I dinna ken what they mean.' f They mean, Chirsty Todd/ says I, ' as I am now a humorist/ to which she replies, ' Pick up that dish-clout.' '
" Keep us all ! But oh, man, a woman's mind doesna easily rise to the sublime."
66 It doesna, Pete, and I'll tell ye the reason ; it'y because of women, that is to say, richt- minded women, all having sich an adoration for ministers."
" I dinna contradict ye, Tammas, but surely that's a fearsome statement. Is ministers not nearer the sublime than other folk? "
"They are, they are, and that's just it. Ministers, ye may say, is always half road up to the sublime. Weel, what's the result? Women raises their een to gaze upon the sub- lime, when, they catch sicht of the minister, and carma look ony higher."
"Sal, Tammas, you've solved it! But I warrant ye couldna have said that till ye became a humorist ? "
" No more than you could have s aid it yersel', Bobbie."
" Na, I dinna pretend I could have said it, and even though I was to gang hame now and
96 A TILLY LOSS SCANDAL.
say it in your very words, it wouldna have the same show as when you. say it."
66 It would not, for ye would just blurt it out, but them as watches me saying a humor- ous thing notices the mental struggle before the words comes up. Ay, the mental struggle's like the servant in grand houses as puts his head in at the door and cries, ' Leddies and gentlemen, take your seats, for the dinner is all but ready.' "
Early on Monday morning Haggart, the non- humorist, woke for the last time. The day was moderately fine, but gave no indication that any
thing remarkable was about to happen. Lookaboutyou, it is true, says that he noticed a queer stillness in the air, and Snecky Hobart spoke of an unusually restless night. It is believed by some that the cocks of Tillyloss did not crow that morning. But nono of these phenomena were noticed until it became natural to search the memory for them, and Haggart himself always said that it was a common day. The fact, I suppose, is that an uncommon day was not needed, for here was Haggart and there was the cemetery. Nature never wastes her materials.
A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL. 97
Haggart was elated no doubt, but so would any man have been in the circumstances. For the last time Haggart, the non-humorist, put off cleaning his boots for another day. For the last time he combed his hair without studying the effect in the piece of glass that was glued to the wall. Never again would the Haggart who briskly descended his outside stair, forgetting to shut the door, enter that room in which Chirsty was already baking ban- nocks. It was a new Haggart who would re- turn presently, Haggart of Haggart's Koady, Haggart of Thrums, in short, Haggart the humorist.
The last person to speak to Haggart, the non- humorist, was James Spens, the last to see him was Sanders Landels. Jamie met him at the foot of Tillyloss, and Sanders passed him on the burying-ground brae. Both were ordinary persons, and they never distinguished them- selves again.
It was not his grave that made Haggart a humorist, but the gravestone. Two years earlier he had erected a tombstone to the memory of his relatives, but it had never struck him that he would some day be able to read his
98 A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL.
own fate on it. The grave is to the right of the entrance to the cemetery, almost exactly under the favorite seat known as the Bower, and being at the bend of the path it comes sud- denly into view. Haggart walked eagerly along the path, an ordinary man upon the whole ;
then all at once He looked
He looked again. This is what he read :
THIS STONE WAS ERECTED BY
THOMAS HAGGART
To THE MEMORY OF PETER HAGGART, FATHER OF THE SAID THOMAS,
"WHO DEPARTED THIS LlFE, JAN. 7, 1825. ALSO HERE LIES JEAN LlNN, OR HAGGART,
MOTHER OF THE SAID THOMAS,
DIED 1828.
ALSO JEAN HAGGART,
SISTER OF THE SAID THOMAS,
DIED 1829.
ALSO ANDREW HAGGART, BROTHER OF THE SAID THOMAS,
DIED 1831.
ALSO THE SAID THOMAS HIMSELF, DIED 1834.
Haggart sat down on the grave. In Thrums common folk were doing common things weav-
A TILLTLOSS SCANDAL. 99
ing, feeding the hens, supping porridge, carting peats.
Haggart sat on the grave. In Thrums they were thinking of their webs, of their dinner, of well-scrubbed floors, of their love affairs.
But Haggart sat on the grave, and a pot began to boil. He has told us what happened. Down in his inside something was roaring, and every moment the noise increased. He breathed with difficulty. He was as a barrel swelling but held in by hoops of iron. He rose to his feet, for his tongue was hot and there was a hissing in his throat, and the iron hoops pressed more and more tightly. Suddenly the hissing ceased, and he stood as still as salt. The roar- ing far down died away. All at once he was tilted to the side, the hoops burst, and he began to laugh. The pot was boiling. Haggart was a humorist.
As soon as he realized what had happened Haggart returned to Tillyloss. The first to see him was Tibbie Kobbie, the first to speak to him was William Lamb, the first to notice the change was Snecky Hobart.
I only undertook to tell how Haggart became
100 A TILLYLOSS SCANDAL.
a humorist, and here therefore my story ends. I have shown how a lamp was lit in Thrums, but not how it burned. Perhaps if I followed Haggart to his end, as I should like to do, to the time when the lamp flickered and a room in the Tenements grew dark, some who have smiled at an old man's tale would leave a tear behind them to a weaver's memory.
" Na," Haggart often said, " we winna touch the gravestone. It'll come in handy someday."
His humor, appetizing from the first, ripened with the years. For a time this was his com- ment on the tombstone :
" Lads, lads, what a do we're preparing for posterity."
Later in his life he said,
" It's almost cruel to cheat future generations in this way."
His hair was white before he said,
" I dinna ken but what I should do the honest thing, and have the date rubbed out."
And when there was a squeal in his voice, he could add,
" No that it much matters."
HOW GAVIN BIRSE PUT IT TO MAG LOWNIE.
IN a wet day the rain gathers in blobs on the road that passes our Thrums garden. Then it crawls into the cart-tracks, until the road is streaked with water. Last, the water gathers in heavy yellow pools. If the rain still continues, clods of earth topple from the garden dyke into the ditch.
On such a day, when even the dulseman had gone into shelter, and the women scudded by with their wrappers over their heads, came Gavin Birse to our door. Gavin, who is the Glen Quharity post, is still young, but has never been quite the same man since some amateurs in the Glen ironed his back for rheu- matism. At present I am lodging in Thrums, with Hendry M'Qumpha, and I thought Gavin had called to have a crack with me. He sent
102 HOW GAVIN BIESE PUT IT TO MAG LOWNIE.
his compliments up to the attic, however, by Leeby, and would I come and be a witness ?
Gavin came up and explained. He had taken off his scarf and thrust it into his pocket, lest the rain should take the color out of it. His boots cheeped, and his shoulders had risen to his ears. He stood steaming before my fire.
" If it's no ower muckle to ask ye," he said, "I would like ye for a witness."
" A witness ! But for what do you need a witness, Gavin ? "
" I want ye," he said, " to come wi' me to Mag's, and be a witness."
Gavin and Mag Birse had been engaged for a year or more. Mag is the daughter of Janet Ogilvy, who is best remembered as the body that took the hill (that is, wandered about it) for twelve hours on the day Mr. Dishart, the Auld Licht minister, accepted a call to another church.
" You don't mean to tell me, Gavin," I asked, "that your marriage is to take place to-day ? "
By the twist of his mouth I saw that he was only deferring a smile.
" Far frae that," he said.
HO W GA VIN BIRSEP UT IT TO MAG LO WNIE. 103
" Ah, then, you have quarreled, and I am to speak up for you ? "
" Na, na," he said, " I dinna want ye to do that above all things. It would be a favor if ye could gi'e me a bad character."
This beat me, and, I daresay, my face showed it.
" I'm no* juist what ye would call anxious to marry Mag noo," said Gavin, without a tremor.
I told him to go on.
" There's a lassie oot at Craigiebuckle," he explained, " workin' on the farm Jeanie Luke by name. Ye may ha'e seen her ? "
"What of her?" I asked, severely.
" Weel," said Gavin, still unabashed, " I'm thinkin' noo 'at I would rather ha'e her."
Then he stated his case more fully.
" Ay, I thocht I liked Mag oncommon till I saw Jeanie, an' I like her fine yet, but I pre- fer the other ane. That state o' matters canna gang on forever, so I came into Thrums the day to settle 't one wy or another."
" And how," I asked, " do you propose going about it? It is a somewhat delicate business."
104 HOW GAVIN BIESE PUT IT TO MAG LOWNIE.
" Ou, I see nae great difficulty in't. I'll speir at Mag, blunt oot, if she'll let me aff. Yes, I'll put it to her plain."
" You're sure Jeanie would take you ? " " Ay ; oh, there's nae fear o' that." " But if Mag keeps you to your bargain?" " Weel, in that case there's nae harm done." " You are in a great hurry, Gavin ? " " Ye may say that ; but I want to be mar- ried. The wine I lodge wi' canna last lang, an' I would like to settle doon in some pla
ce." " So you are on your way to Mag's now ? " " Ay, we'll get her in atween twal' and
ane."
" Oh, yes ; but why do you want me to go with you ? "
" I want ye for a witness. If she winna let me aff, weel and guid ; and if she will, it's bet- ter to ha'e a witness in case she should go back on her word."
Gavin made his proposal briskly, and as coolly as if he were only asking me to go fish- ing ; but I did not accompany him to Mag's. He left the house to look for another witness, and about an hour afterwards Jess saw him pass with Tammas Haggart. Tammas cried in
HOW GAVIN BIRSE PUT IT TO MAG LOWNIE. 105
during the evening to tell us how the mission prospered.
" Mind ye," said Tammas, a drop of water hanging to the point of his nose, " I disclaim all responsibility in the business. I ken Mag weel for a thrifty, respectable woman, as her mither was afore her, and so I said to Gavin when he came to speir me."
" Ay, mony a pirn has Lisbeth filled to me," said Hendry, settling down to a reminiscence.
" No to be ower hard on Gavin," continued Tammas, forestalling Hendry, " he took what I said in guid part; but aye when I stopped speaking to draw breath, he says, ' The ques- tion is, will ye come wi' me ? ' He was michty made up in 's mind."
" Weel, ye went wi' him," suggested Jess, who wanted to bring Tammas to the point.
" Ay," said the stone-breaker, " but no in sic a hurry as that."
He worked his mouth round and round, to clear the course, as it were, for a sarcasm.
"Fowk often say," he continued, " 'at 'am quick beyond the or dinar' in seein' the humor- ous side o' things."
Here Tammas paused, and looked at us.
106 HOW GAVIN BIRSE PUT IT TO MAG LOWNIE.
Barrie, J M - Tillyloss Scandal Page 6