by Jody Holford
“And?” Kyle said without mercy.
“And a client, an extremely annoying, very much engaged client, showed up to drop off some papers. Anna assumed this was my girlfriend and that I hadn’t told her I was engaged and CeeCee played into it before I could clear things up,” Sam revealed. He looked at both men. Their eyes were like green granite but Kyle’s shoulders seemed to have relaxed marginally. He pushed away from the post, turned and put both hands on the rail, looking out at the snow. From the corner of his eye, he could see David sitting still, fingers making a steeple. Business face: is the opponent showing all his cards or taking him for a ride?
“So, you said you had a girlfriend, went along with being engaged so you could get closer to her?” Kyle said, looking over at Sam. Sam pushed off the rail and sat beside David.
“No. I said it because I’m an idiot and I kept it going because I just wanted to be around her which is different than faking something just to get close to her. Tell me you don’t see that? ”
“You’re suggesting you did all this to help her?” David asked.
“No! I didn’t mean to do it at all. The first day I met her she’d fallen off her ladder—”
“What? Was she alright?” David interrupted, standing.
“She was fine,” Sam placated, “but when I tried to help her she told me she didn’t need a man to do anything for her, didn’t want men telling her what to do or how to do it.” Sam felt some vindication at the looks of discomfort that passed over both of their faces.
“Sounds like Anna,” Kyle mumbled.
“It was just a stupid, kneejerk reaction because I honestly just wanted to help her out. I didn’t intend to hit on her. I sure as hell didn’t mean to fall in love with her,”
“Yes, well, that’s not always your choice,” David spoke quietly, returning to the rocker and collapsing into it, his face unreadable.
“I’ve wanted to tell her a dozen times and couldn’t. At first, I knew if I did, she’d back off and carry on doing everything on her own. She’s like her own Chevy Chase movie with some of the things she thinks she can do. It scares the hell out of me. She tried to chop down her own tree,” Sam said.
“Lots of people cut down trees. We protected her but we didn’t make her incompetent,” Kyle spat out.
“From a grove of trees on someone’s private property? She had a baby sized ax and was chopping through that thing in the dark when I found her car off to the side of the road,” he ranted, clenching his fists.
“To be fair,” David said, leaning his head back and closing his eyes very briefly, “We know Anna gets an idea in her head and almost nothing and no one can stop her. I hate her being here without one of us to watch over her. Of course, even if we were, she’s reluctant to take advice. But, she cares about what we think, our opinions, so at least she’ll listen to our thoughts. Chances are good she’ll still do any damn thing she wants, case in point, this house, but if she cares about you, she’ll at least listen to your opinion. It would seem that you’ve made your way into that small circle.”
“It would seem so,” Sam returned, not feeling very victorious.
“But you’ve lied to her. Repeatedly,” David said. The words sat like rocks in his stomach. Regardless of his intentions or his feelings, it didn’t change the facts.
“What’s to stop you from lying the next time life gets tricky?” Kyle asked, his eyes still glowing with anger. Sam shook his head.
“I love your sister, Kyle. I didn’t set out to lie to her or to fall for her but now that I’ve done both, I have to make things right. I’m not an asshole and you’ve measured up enough men in your line of work to get that. I won’t lie to her about anything else because it would hurt her and that’s the last thing I want. Which is why I haven’t told her anything yet.”
Kyle’s eyes narrowed but some of the anger had faded. “Chicken.”
Sam gripped the rail so hard he could feel the grooves of the wood. “Absolutely.”
Then men sat there, Sam uncertain and sick. He didn’t need their permission. He’d make things right with Anna, there was no other choice. But, as they’d said, it’d be a hell of a lot easier if the people she cared about, loved, these people, were on board.
“So, what now?” Kyle asked, fiddling with the cigar.
“Now, we get through Christmas and I tell her the truth. Then I beg for forgiveness. And grovel,” Sam shuddered. Kyle let out a rough, humorless laugh.
“Dude, you better buy knee pads. You’ll be grovelling for a while,” Kyle answered.
“Any man that falls in love has done some grovelling,” David spoke evenly. His eyes held Sam’s. “You’ll tell her the truth after Christmas or I will. And if you hurt her or lie to her again, you’ll need more than kneepads for protection.” Sam didn’t look away and finally David nodded.
A moment later, when David said, “You know she likes ice cream right? I suggest you buy stock in a company since you’ll be purchasing plenty.” Sam was happy to take the olive branch and the advice.
“Maybe even some jewelry. Something shiny,” Kyle hinted.
“And then she’ll curl right up in your lap with her little ole heart in her hand and realize you just wanted what was best for her and clearly, she can’t make that choice herself.”
Anna’s voice said with an icy stillness that had all three men turning their heads with what would have been comedic speed, if there had been anything funny about the moment. Sam felt his stomach lodge in his throat, his airway blocked, and his heart simply stopped. Anna stood on the side of the house, barely visible from the porch with her puffy Michelin Man white jacket, the hood pulled tightly around her face, a large, black, tied garbage bag in her grasp. Her face was a mask of devastation and her eyes, usually so full of everything she felt, were devoid of anything, any feeling at all.
Anna’s tears had frozen in her eyes along with her heart in her chest. The back door was always easier to take the garbage out of since she hated the thought of trailing the bag through the house to the front. She’d come upon them, still humming Christmas tunes in her head, and when she’d heard her dad and Kyle giving Sam a hard time, she’d been about to put her foot down, hard. Then Sam had spoken and she’d lost her ability to move or breathe or feel. She’d stood frozen like the snow under her feet and listened as he told them how he’d done what he thought was best for her and she thought she could hear her heart crackling like the snow had beneath her feet. He’d lied to her this whole time.
“Now, Anna,” her dad started.
“Don’t,” she said. Her hand was frozen to the garbage bag. She couldn’t remove her fingers.
“Anna,” Kyle began. She sent him a withering glare. Sam didn’t say a word. He stood and stared at her, his eyes filled with regret and sorrow and affection.
“I would appreciate it if you and Kyle would give us a minute,” she said, not taking her eyes off Sam. She watched as he swallowed and wished she could do the same but everything about her was frozen.
Kyle and her dad exchanged a look with each other, glanced at Sam and back at Anna before quietly padding into the house. Sam moved immediately, coming down to join her where she stood beside the porch.
“Anna,” he said, the sadness in his tone almost softening her; almost.
“Go ahead. I want to hear it. What are you going to say to make this better?”
He looked surprised that she was willing to listen to him at all and glanced down at the bag she still held.
“I’m sorry. I’m so Goddamn sorry you can’t even begin to understand,” he said reverently.
“You’re right. I can’t understand because I never lied to you. I never tried to make your choices for you by holding back the truth. I never had the choice to know there was something to understand… I never pretended one thing between us and you… you—”
“No. You be pissed at me. I deserve it. You can’t be madder at me than I am at myself but don’t even try to say I pretended anything b
etween us. I messed up. I said I had a girlfriend because you were so certain I wouldn’t want to be friends with you otherwise. I never meant for you to mistake CeeCee for Sierra. And FYI, I hate CeeCee and I can’t believe you actually thought I’d ask a woman like that to marry me,” he raged, his face close to hers, melting the ice she felt, turning it into lava.
“I’m sorry, are you putting the blame on me? Are you actually…who the hell is Sierra anyway?” she stopped, tossed the garbage bag down roughly, splitting the side.
He turned red and her stomach sank. Why did he look embarrassed? How could this be worse?
“It’s my truck,” he uttered, not meeting her eyes. She looked over at his vehicle in his driveway.
“What’s wrong with your truck? What?”
“No. It’s…you relaxed immediately when I said I had a girl. I thought you’d let it go. Then you asked her name. My truck… is a GMC Sierra,” he said so quietly that she hardly heard him. She brought her hand to her mouth, covering to stop the sob from escaping. She failed and hated the anguished cry that flew from her throat. She bit her bottom lip, shaking her head, and gave a disbelieving laugh that had the effect of making her feel like she might throw up. He tried to step toward her but she stepped back shaking her head violently, the tears she thought frozen flying out of the corners of her eyes.
“Anna,” his voice was raw, his own eyes bright.
“Well look at that,” she cried, not wiping away the tears streaming down her face, “not only did you figure out how to charm your way into my heart, but you likely had a good laugh while you were at it.”
“Anna, no. Never. I would never laugh at you. I lo—”
“No!” she yelled, grasping the split garbage bag and attempting to heave it at him, her hood falling off her head, her hair coming around her face.
“Don’t you say that to me!” she yelled, ignoring the garbage that was being flung, trying to hit him with the bag that was too heavy, too loose, too much. “Don’t you dare say that to me! Those words are supposed to mean something. They mean you know the person you’re saying them to, that you understand them. You get them. The one person you don’t lie to because you can tell them anything. I thought that’s what…”
Her voice broke at the same time as his heart. Knowing that he’d caused her the pain that was slapping him across the face, the tears that were like crystal snowflakes on her cheeks, cracked his heart in half and made him feel like it was being yanked out of his body through his throat. She stopped talking and cried soundlessly with the ripped garbage bag still in her hand and he had a second where he actually thought she might hurl it at his feet in some sort of devastating finale. Curtain closed. End of show. Forever.
The door opened and Jordan appeared, her hair in a towel, wearing soft blue pajamas and an expression of disbelief. She looked at him, then Anna and rushed to her side. She wrapped her arms around her even though Anna stood stiff and unmoving. She murmured Anna’s name and stroked her hair causing something in Anna to loosen. She dropped the garbage bag and curled into Jordan. Jordan’s gaze met his just as the first tear he’d shed since he was 11 years old and his dog had died, made its way down his cheek. He took a step forward but Jordan shook her head and motioned toward his house. The message was clear. He couldn’t erase the image of her face, the sadness or hurt as he stepped onto his own porch. He stood at his door, wanting to go back and make things better but knowing he couldn’t. He let his head fall forward with a thud and felt the cold chill of the door on his forehead as he wondered how the hell he’d let this happen.
Chapter Eleven
December 25th, 1979
My “Yes” matched David’s gift perfectly. He gave me a gold diamond solitaire engagement ring... He proposed in front of mom and dad, who were admittedly a little reserved about the idea. Still, they can see how much I love him and know that it’s my choice to make. I’m so happy I think my heart might fly out of my chest like an overfilled balloon. I am excited about this new chapter that actually feels like several chapters altogether. A little bit of me likes not knowing what’s next. It seems easier to accept the unknown with David by my side. This is the best Christmas I can remember but I can honestly say, I believe the best is yet to come.
Anna closed the journal so her tears didn’t spill on the brittle pages. Her eyes felt gritty. Pushing herself up to lean back against the headboard, she carefully lifted the tea that Jordan had brought to her bedside a little while ago. She sipped, let the cup warm her hands which refused to unthaw. She could see the snow relentlessly falling through her bedroom window. The world seemed grey and still even with the snow moving.
She could hear pots and pans banging in her kitchen, Christmas music playing, and though the three of them weren’t pros in the kitchen, something smelled good. Her stomach cramped at the thought of eating anything. The tea would help settle that, she thought, feeling the warmth seep through from the inside. She set the tea back on the nightstand and pushed the journal under her pillow. By her calculations one of them would be coming in shortly to “see if she was okay.”
She didn’t want to be checked on, especially when they clearly knew the answer: no, she was not okay. Why did they need her to say she was? It wasn’t their heart that had been stomped on and kicked. Did any of them feel like guileless or duped? So why did they need the comfort and reassurance of her telling them that she was ‘okay’? More than anything, she didn’t want to look at Kyle or her father and face the fact that she was every bit as naïve and foolish as they’d believed.
So she turned her back to curl up on her pillow when she heard the door creak open and tried to keep her breath from hitching while tears dropped slowly onto her pillow.
“We should let her sleep,” Jordan’s voice said softly, laced with sympathy.
“Maybe we should wake her up. I don’t want this to wreck her Christmas,” Kyle said sadly.
“That’s just it: it’s not about what you want. It’s about what she wants, what she needs,” Jordan said softly.
“Do you think I don’t get that?” Kyle said, not managing to keep the anger out of his voice even though he spoke low. “Is it so bad that I don’t want to see my sister hurting?”
“No,” Jordan said in a soft tone Anna rarely heard. “It’s not bad at all. It’s lovely. But it’s not realistic Kyle. You and your dad can’t fix all her bumps and bruises anymore. Her heart hurts. You can’t fix it or wish it away by asking her to get up for Christmas dinner or Christmas Eve dinner.”
“So what do we do?” Kyle sounded so resigned that Anna almost turned to comfort him.
“We do nothing. We go finish cooking dinner and hope that she joins us. And we support her regardless of what she decides,” Jordan answered and Anna heard the door creak shut.
“Just do me the favor, Kyle.” Sam argued.
“Why should I do you a favor? She’s in there, curled into a ball cause you lied to her,” Kyle spat at him.
“I wouldn’t have had to lie to her if she wasn’t so damn scared that if she lets a man do even the simplest of things for her, she has to give up her own independent thought process,” Sam threw back, running his hands through his hair, barely stopping short of ripping it out.
“You think that’s our fault?”
“You don’t? You really don’t? She painted this entire house, cut down a damn tree, put up lights on the second story of the house even though she’s scared of heights,” Sam glared at him. He tried to eat up the mad. If he stayed mad, let the anger roll around in his belly, he wouldn’t think about Anna curled up, hurting, because of him.
“She wanted this house. We tried to talk her out of it,” Kyle said stubbornly. Definitely a family trait.
“Yeah. She wanted it and even knowing that, you tried to talk her out of it. She loves it here and has no intention of leaving. You think she painted those walls just because she couldn’t live with them for longer than a couple weeks? It’s because she wanted everything to be as
damn well perfect as possible so that she could show you both that she could do it. She busted her ass to show you that, to get everything ready. I messed up. I get that and I’m going to fix it. But you two better wake up and realize that you screwed up too,” Sam said, his voice feeling steadier. They weren’t the only ones who felt protective of Anna and he was the one staying.
“And how do you propose to fix things?” David asked, appearing at the door which Kyle had refused to invite Sam through. Sam looked at David evenly. He was a business man. He understood the bottom line and for Sam, there was only one bottom line.
“I love her. I’m going to prove it. She thinks because I lied that I don’t know her or what matters to her, but I do. I’m asking for your help,” Sam said, ignoring the hammer in his chest.
Both men seemed to be considering the request but Sam would bet they had more on their minds than whether or not to help him. They were too smart to be oblivious to their role in Anna’s hesitancy to accept help, he hoped.
“I’m not saying yes, but what is it you have planned?” David asked, quieting Kyle’s objection with a look. The vice on Sam’s chest loosened marginally.
Anna could hear Jordan’s laughter through the fog in her brain. She stretched and yawned, noticing that the sky had turned dark. The moon was shining through her window bright and bold against the black Minnesota night. Her head hurt when she sat up wondering how long she’d slept. Something smelled delicious.
“Look who’s up,” her dad sang when she came upon them sitting at the table. The table was decorated beautifully with a soft white table cloth, red and green cloth napkins, and her fancy holiday dishes. Her father sat at one end while Jordan and Kyle sat side by side. Her place setting was the only one not piled with the feast they’d prepared. It was exactly as she had wanted it to be; minus one.