by Jody Holford
“Talk to me.”
She’d planned to keep it bottled up. It was history—and no longer part of her story. She didn’t want a man, a married one at that, to be a focal point of her life and she sure as hell didn’t want him to be a reason she’d come unhinged and craved home. She didn’t want to feel the shame of being foolish enough not to have known Darby was lying to her the whole time. But it curled in her belly, eating away at her.
Maybe if she told Elliot, she could maintain a hint of composure when she unloaded on her sisters, both of whom had the type of men who were only supposed to exist in romance novels. Hot, sweet, excellent fathers. Like Elliot. Her stomach clenched right along with her heart, dueling sensations working against each other.
“Kate?”
“Nothing to tell, really. His name was Darby. He was sweet and funny. After a few dates, we became a couple, or at least I thought we had. I fell for him, but even before I did, I was unsure about staying in New York. I loved the work and still do, but when I was there, even when I was alone, my head felt crowded. There’s always so much going on in the city. I’d walk to work or take the subway and feel lost, insignificant. I realized I loved learning about design, and the first time Kael complimented one of my ideas in a meeting, it was awesome.” She took a breath as she remembered the feeling of pride, the ownership. It had been a slinky, sky-blue halter dress that shimmered in the right light. “Anyway, I thought, if it’s just the work I love, I don’t have to be in New York to do it. Darby thought my idea for a shop in Angel’s Lake was great. He encouraged me, loved my designs—not that he knows fashion. I mean, he’s an accountant. But he saw designs every day just by working at a fashion house, and he made me feel like mine stood out.”
“They do. I’ve seen your sketches. I can only imagine the real thing,” Elliot whispered. Focused on the feel of his breath on her face, she scooted closer without intending to.
“Maybe. Anyway, things were heating up and were, I thought, good. And he was so supportive of all my ideas. I took a chance and asked him if he’d ever thought of moving away from the city.”
Kate played with the seam of the blanket, her fingers rubbing up and down, trying to figure out what Elliot was thinking just from the way his breathing changed.
“And?”
She shifted, making their arms brush against each other. Tickles traced their way over her skin, leaving her restless. “And he started backing off. He wouldn’t return my calls. So I went down to accounting on the bottom floor of our building and asked to see him, which I’d never done—we used to meet in the company cafeteria. The receptionist said he and his wife had a standing Tuesday lunch date and he was expected back soon.”
“Fuck,” he whispered.
She heard movement before she felt his hand find hers in the dark. He linked their fingers and it felt like a cool cloth on a fresh burn. Painful, but soothing a deeper hurt. “The receptionist asked if I wanted to leave a message.”
“Oh no,” Elliot whispered, humor tinting the words—most of the town knew the Aarons sisters weren’t real great at hiding their feelings.
“What?” She whispered back, smiling into the darkness and enjoying the feel and the shape of his fingers.
“What’d you do?”
“Nothing,” she said, her pitch a bit higher. “Just left a message for him saying I hoped he had a really great lunch with his wife.”
“Shit.”
Kate laughed. “He emailed about forty times after that, the idiot. We’d dated for a few months and he’d thought he was in the clear, mostly because I was too stupid to pay attention. Then when I found out and left a message that I know, he panicked. I have enough emails to throw his marriage down the tubes. But that’s not my place. And it’s not what I wanted.”
“You ever email him back?”
“Nope. He came up to see me. I told Kael I didn’t want to talk to him. No one gets around Kael to one of his girls—and seeing as he thinks of Lucy as one of his own sisters, he considers me one of those girls.”
“Sorry, Kate.” His fingers tightened on hers and this time he was the one who closed the space.
He was fully in her breathing space now and Kate imagined being closer, burrowing into him and feeling the heat of his skin against her own, the touch of his lips somewhere other than her forehead. Her other hand lifted in slow motion, reaching out for him. One of the girls snored, a tiny, snuffling sound, and both Elliot and Kate froze. When she quieted, both of them released heavy breaths.
Focusing on his fingers touching hers, she kept going, telling him what she didn’t want to say out loud to anyone. “It’s not that it didn’t work out or I got my heart broken. It’s that I didn’t see. That I was naïve enough to think, hey, this great, good-looking guy, this New-York-City-successful guy, wants me. And now I can’t stop questioning my own judgement. My own ability to see what’s right in front of me. I hate it. I hate knowing I…stained their marriage that way.” Kate blinked away the tears. “Cliché right?”
Elliot’s tone stiffened along with his body. “He’s a dickhead. Hard to learn the truth about someone when they keep it hidden. You see the good in people. That’s the part you focus on. Not like you won’t accept flaws, but when someone is underhanded enough to conceal them, you’re not the type to dig, wondering if they’re there. And New York City doesn’t make someone special. Who they are and how they treat people does. You’re special, Kate. And any guy that doesn’t get that is a fucking idiot.”
His words took away some of the sting. “Still. Cliché and stupid on my part.”
“Nothing stupid or cliché about you, Kate. Real men—good men— don’t cheat, insecure ones do. He’s an ass and that’s on him. Says nothing about you.”
“It says I didn’t look close enough. I was so happy having a grown-up life: living in New York, working in fashion, carrying on a relationship. But none of it was real. I mean, it was, but the parts that were didn’t feel like it and the parts that weren’t, did.”
“Uh…you want to say that one more time for me, sweetheart? It’s almost four in the morning and I can’t decipher girl logic.”
Kate pulled her hand from his so she could smack him on the shoulder, but also so she could focus on something other than the way his term of endearment felt like being folded into his arms and held tight. His silent laughter shook the bed.
“The fashion part of it was surreal. Models walking around in their underwear, half their make-up on, waiting to try on the next outfit, complaining about the cold, stripping down in front of each other. I would be taking measurements and making adjustments one second and the next, I was holding their phones so they could squeeze into a design or slip on five-inch heels. I mean, most of them are so tall anyway, the heels seem like overkill. But they really do make the outfits. It was crazy, like being on the set of a reality show.”
Elliot made a humming noise. “That sounds like a terrible way to spend a day. How’d you get that internship again?” He’d taken her hand again and this time, when she tried to pull it free, he held strong. “I’m teasing. Really. I would hate to spend my time around half-naked models. Go on.”
“You’re real funny, aren’t you?”
“Only in the middle of the night.”
All too aware of the way his laughter and the pressure of his fingers were distracting her, she tried to explain herself. “It was everything I imagined. It was amazing and at first, I loved the crazy pace. I learned so much about designing and materials and the industry in general. It didn’t feel real. It was like I’d been plopped down into the dream I’d created in my head. And I feel like I didn’t fully wake up enough to enjoy it before I realized it wasn’t for me. I mean, fashion is, but not there. Not in New York and not like that.”
Keeping her hand in his, Elliot shifted so he was on his back, and now that her eyes had adjusted to the dark, Kate watched as he put his other hand behind his head, still listening.
“Darby was really ju
st a footnote. We laughed and had fun. It was good. I was living the exact life I thought I wanted, but every night when I got home to my studio, which I could barely afford, I wished I could pop over to my mom and dad’s and snag dinner or babysit my nieces. I’m worried I didn’t try hard enough. That I wasted the opportunity I was given and if I did, maybe I didn’t even deserve to have that chance. I’m scared I’m going home to disappoint my family. Which I already did when I left for New York. So it’s like full circle but not in a good way.”
She listened to his breathing and it calmed some of the turbulence in her chest. It was good to confide in someone who didn’t mind listening and wouldn’t feel sorry for her or irritated with her choices. Lucy had gotten her the contact. What if Kael was mad at Lucy for recommending her little sister? What if Darby said something about her and Kate’s name was already spinning on the wheel of gossip? What if she was seen as flighty, and the bank in Angel’s Lake wouldn’t give her a loan without her parents’ signatures for back up?
“I think anything that solidifies who you are and who you want to be can’t be a waste.”
“Do you really think that? I mean I’m turning twenty-five and I don’t even have a job.”
Elliot gave a low, rough chuckle. “Twenty-five is definitely heading over the hill. But I think you’re good. You’ve got a degree, a plan, and a family who’ll back you no matter what.” He squeezed her hand. “And you have friends who’ll do the same.”
She nodded, thinking about his words. She hadn’t been sleeping well for a while now, but most of the nights she’d lain awake, her heart felt like it was tap dancing in her chest. Right now, she felt content. Unburdened. She was going home. Somehow, things would be okay.
“How about you? You think all of the things that led you to where you are right now were worth it?” Elliot let go of her hand and crossed his arms over his chest. Kate scrunched her pillow a bit under her neck, hoping he’d answer.
“Gina’s a mess. I need to get my girls settled into a real life. They’re in first grade now. They need to be at school, the same school, every day. They need to come home, do homework, have dinner, and go to bed at the same time each night. They need routine.”
“They need you.” He turned his head. She was already looking at him but now their eyes found each other.
“They do. I was unsure of that before. I mean, I work odd hours and overtime. I thought we could do this together even if we weren’t a couple. I try to be a good parent; I would do anything for them. And I thought letting them be with their mom without boundaries was what I was supposed to do, but I was wrong. She hasn’t changed. Gina has always been one hundred percent about herself. I don’t even think she realizes it. That’s the worst part. She’s always surprised when her choices backfire and hurt others. But even knowing that, I can’t regret it because of them.”
She hated how his voice dipped low, more pained than angry, and she wondered if he ever missed the woman he’d fallen for—not the mother of his girls, but the woman she’d been before.
“Why didn’t you ever marry her?”
Kate wondered if she’d gone too far, but Elliot reached out and touched her hip in reassurance, heating the spot with just the touch of his fingers. Just as quickly, he pulled his hand back.
“I was never sure about the wife and two-point-five kids deal. At the time, we were just hooking up, having fun. When Gina told me she was pregnant, I was all in. The problem was, she wasn’t. Still, I was willing to try hard enough for the both of us. But a relationship can’t work like that and neither can parenting. She moved in with me and that…well, it was a disaster. At first, I put it down to pregnancy—her irritability, unhappiness, her need to pick up and go, the way she changed her mind every five seconds and never seemed satisfied with anything. As much as I loved Grace and Beth from the second they were born, I couldn’t marry Gina. I couldn’t promise myself to her if I could so easily imagine my life without her in it. The first time she took off, the girls were six months old. When she came back after two weeks, there was nothing romantic between us. She didn’t love me. Ever, I think.”
Kate bit her lip and then took the jump. “Did you ever love her?”
Even in the dark, she could see his eyes were sad. “I don’t think so. Not the way I should love a woman I have two children with. I’m sad for her. She’s missing out on the only good things that ever came from us meeting. I’ve tried to fill in the gaps, make excuses for her not showing up when she says she will or forgetting promises she’s made the girls. But I’m done. She had her chance and now it’s my turn. I’m going for custody, and I think I’ll get it, mostly because I don’t even think she wants it.”
Kate thought she’d been a fool, but Gina definitely took the gold there. “They’re so lucky to have you, Elliot.”
When he smiled, Kate curled her fingers into her arm so she wouldn’t reach out to him.
“We need to get through Christmas and then figure out daycare, afterschool care, that sort of thing. It won’t be easy. But it’ll be right.”
Kate rolled onto her back and burrowed a little deeper into the covers.
“I’ve looked into it before,” Elliot said. “It’s expensive to put kids in daycare, but with them in school all day, maybe it won’t be so bad. It would basically be after-school care and maybe some holidays. Plus, your family actually said they could help out a bit with picking up from school and stuff. You come from a good place, Aarons.”
She shook her head against the pillow. Back to Aarons. When she was Kate, he could hold her hand and steal her breath. But when she was Aarons, they were locked in the no-touch friend zone. When things started to get more intimate, it was like he had to remind himself to switch between gears.
“I do. They’re good people and they mean it when they say they’ll help. I can too, you know.”
“Yeah? How are you with decorating? I need to get a tree up pronto.”
Kate jackknifed into a sitting position, mouth open, and looked down at him. “You don’t have a tree up? What is wrong with you?”
“I’ve been a little busy. And I didn’t know for sure they were going to be with me over the holidays.”
Kate got out of bed and padded to the fridge. She grabbed two bottles of water and brought them back, crawling on top of the covers. “You should be ashamed of yourself. It’s just over two weeks until Christmas. Fifteen days, Elliot.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Tell me you’ve shopped.”
“Uh. Mostly?”
She sank back on the bed and sighed. “You are so lucky I’m coming home. Christmas is magic and miracles and you need decorations. Everywhere. Don’t you want your girls to experience all the wonder of Christmas?”
He sat up, leaned against the headboard and took one of the waters she passed him. “There’s still time, Kate.”
She scoffed, quietly. “Clearly, you’re a guy.”
“Um. I thought that was clear before this conversation.”
The amusement in his voice didn’t escape her. Neither did his guy-ness. Kate had tagged along the day Lucy had done a calendar photo shoot with a bunch of the men from the community to raise money to rebuild the town rec center, which had burned down. It had definitely brought in the funds. Elliot had been there, shirtless, along with Lucy’s now-husband, Char’s husband, and a few others. And Kate’s memory of Elliot was forever tattooed on her brain. Even now, she could easily picture his defined abs, the smooth ridges dusted with dark hair leading into the waistband of basketball shorts that clung to his hips.
“Kate?”
She blinked and cleared her throat. “What?”
“You were complaining about me being male at Christmas. I’m admitting my folly and asking if you’d mind shopping with me for the girls. You love shopping—which is a flaw I’ll overlook because I want to use it to my advantage. Plus, you shop for your nieces all the time. I didn’t exactly grow up with all of the Christmas trimmings, but I know y
our mom doesn’t do anything halfway.”
“No, she really doesn’t. And Christmas is the absolute best. Of course I’ll help you. You definitely need all the help you can get.” Taking a sip of her water, she ignored the way his laugh did funny things to her stomach—like he was running his hand along her skin, chasing goose bumps. She shivered again.
“Cold?”
Not even a little bit. “Nope. But I’m tired.” He nodded and crawled out of the bed. Kate frowned.
“You can sleep with me,” she said. As soon as she said the words aloud, she squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could take them back. “I mean, beside me. In the same bed.” Elliot stared at her, his mouth dropping open slightly. As she continued to babble and gesture to his daughters, one dark eyebrow raised. “I mean so your…your junk is safe. So you don’t get kicked. I won’t kick you. Oh, my God. Make me stop talking. Tell me to shut up. Make it stop.”
Elliot stood, laughing and shaking his head. Kate held herself very still, hoping that maybe she’d disappear into the weird flower pattern of the comforter. Just when she thought she might be able to breathe again, Elliot leaned over, hooked his fingers around her neck, and tilted her head back. Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes closed as his lips, Elliot’s soft, warm lips, touched her forehead.
“I think it’s safer with the girls.”
Kate nodded as he pulled away. The spot he’d kissed tingled with warmth, and Kate got under the covers, trying to pretend she hadn’t spoken. Her stomach tightened. Grabbing a pillow, she tossed it at him as he settled into bed.
“What’s this for?”
“Protection.”
Elliot laughed and though she couldn’t see him as well now, she bet that even his eyes were laughing, which was far better than being offended by her implication
“Thanks for keeping my junk safe, Aarons.”
“It’s the least I could do.” Or I could just stop talking and claim insanity in the morning.
“Good night, Kate. I’m glad you joined us for the ride.”