Born of Woman

by Wendy Perriam

  ‘I said ‘‘no’’.’

  ‘Surely that’s for Jennifer to say.’

  ‘We’ve already discussed it. We’ve just been talking, in fact, half an hour ago. We’ve both had more than enough of the book. We want to get away, buy our own place.’

  ‘Of course you do. I know that. It’s all part of my plan. I’m investing your money with that in mind. But you ought to wait a while. Summer’s never a good time for buying property. Leave it till Christmas and you’ll get a better buy, and there’ll be more money in the kitty anyway. You should be able to afford something with some character—even a bit of ground. And meanwhile you can stay on here, and if I need Jennifer for any more publicity, then she’s right on the spot and …’

  ‘I’m sorry, Matthew, she’s not doing any more. We’ve made up our minds. I want that money you owe me—now, not Christmas time—and I want it in cash, not promises or investments or useless bits of paper.’

  ‘Lyn, I’ve only just walked in, for heaven’s sake. I’ve been travelling for more than eighteen hours, plus all those long delays. It’s a little unreasonable to make demands like this before I’ve even had a … wash.’

  ‘I wouldn’t need to make them if you’d paid me my share of the royalties all along.’

  ‘That’s hardly fair, Lyn. We agreed that I’d invest your …’

  ‘You agreed. I didn’t.’

  ‘Look, let’s have a sherry, shall we? Calm down a bit.’

  ‘I’m calm, thanks. And I’d better warn you, Matthew, whatever you say, Jennifer and I are leaving the minute we’ve found another place to live. We’ve agreed on that. We must be on our own. I’ve hardly seen my wife all summer, she’s been so busy with the boys and the house and … But now you’re back, there’s no reason for us to stay here. In fact, it’s probably best we leave immediately. Decide on the area we want to live and rent a room there while we do our house-hunting. There’ll be far less travelling, that way. We can even treat it as a sort of … holiday.’

  ‘It sounds most impractical to me, and hardly fair at the moment with Anne unwell. She can’t cope from her sick-bed, not with Susie gone. She needs looking after herself.’

  ‘Well, Jennifer’s not the one who’s going to do it. She’s done enough. You’ll have to hire some help, Matthew. You can easily afford it—a nanny and a nurse—and a decent cleaner as well, if you’re so browned off with your present one. Mrs Briggs has got her grievances, too, you know. I heard her telling Jennifer she’s very rarely paid on time. Perhaps you’re investing her money.’

  ‘That’s not funny. I feel quite upset, Lyn, to hear you talking like this after all the trouble I’ve taken with your affairs. Jennifer particularly asked me to look after the financial side.’

  ‘I wasn’t aware of that.’

  ‘Maybe not. There are quite a lot of things you’re not aware of. Which perhaps is why your wife prefers to trust me on money matters.’

  ‘Are you suggesting that …’

  ‘I’m not suggesting anything. I merely feel that my superior knowledge and experience of the … Good God! Must the boys slam the front door like that? I’ve told them a hundred times. They’ll break the …’

  ‘Jen … Jen! Where the bloody hell are you? You said you’d come. You said you wouldn’t leave me. I’ve spent all my fucking money on a taxi and now I’ve … Jennifer!’

  Susie burst into the kitchen, tears streaming down her cheeks, along and grubby raincoat billowing over bare legs and gym shoes. She stopped dead, stared at Lyn and Matthew. ‘Oh, Christ!’ she said and began to back away.

  Matthew lunged towards her. ‘Susie! What are you doing here? I understood you were on the train to Great Yarmouth.’

  ‘Yeah … yeah, I was.’ Susie spoke in little gasping sobs. ‘I … er … got off again … came back.’

  ‘Came back? But I thought your mother was ill. Gravely ill.’

  ‘She is. Yeah … that’s right.’ Susie wiped her nose on her sleeve, sniffed, gulped, tried to get control of her voice. ‘I got … scared, though. You know, thinking about it—death and stuff. Jennifer said she’d come with me—on the … train, I mean. Just as … company. I … er … told her not to bother, but then I changed my mind and … Where is she? I want her to come now.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Susie, but I’m afraid that won’t be possible. Jennifer’s needed here—at least until we’ve arranged some alternative help. Anne’s very unwell, you see. Now come along, my dear, don’t cry. I’ll drive you to the station. You can travel first-class, if you like. You’ll be quite all right once you’re settled in a nice comfortable carriage with a book and a cup of coffee and …’

  ‘No, I won’t. I can’t. I …’

  Lyn got up himself. He had to do something. Susie and Jennifer had obviously missed each other, Jennifer tearing off to Southwark just as Susie was hailing a taxi to come and find her. Jennifer would never forgive him if he left Susie and Matthew together and Susie blurted something out. ‘Look, I’ll drive her, Matthew. You’ve only just got in. I’ve got to go out anyway and …’

  Susie tossed her hair back. ‘I don’t w. . want either of you to take me anywhere. I’ve got to speak to Jennifer.’

  ‘She’s not here, Susie.’

  ‘Of course she is. You’re lying. She’s upstairs, I bet, fussing over your precious Anne. I’m going to find her.’

  ‘No, you’re not!’ Matthew started after her, grabbed her by the raincoat tail. ‘Anne’s asleep and I don’t want her disturbed.’

  Susie tried to shake him off. Matthew was left with a limp and empty raincoat in his hands, while Susie darted free towards the stairs. Both men stared at her in shock. She had nothing on beneath the mac save a blue gingham nightdress which barely covered her thighs. One of the shoulder straps was sagging, the other fastened with a safety-pin. Lyn felt a sudden shudder of excitement. He had glimpsed her breasts, bare almost to the nipples. He wanted to undo that pin, wrench down the other strap. He turned away. The fear was there again. They were pregnant breasts. If Susie came to live with them, her huge bloated belly would swell to fill the house, trap him against the walls, flatten him to nothing.

  He slunk back into the kitchen. Matthew followed. He had Susie by the arm, and was draping the raincoat over her. ‘Susie, make yourself decent at once. What are you doing in your night attire? I can hardly believe you were travelling in public like that, half … naked. And what about your luggage? All right, there’s no need to start crying again. You’ve had a shock—I realise that. You probably got confused. Now, listen, my dear, we’re all here to help you. It’s distressing news about your mother, but you must calm down. You’ll be no use to her at all in this state. Now why don’t you wash your face and put on something sensible and …’

  ‘I’ve packed all my clothes. They’re …’

  Lyn tried to drag his gaze from Susie’s thighs, still uncovered by the mac. He must get Susie away from Matthew, tell her where Jennifer was and what had happened. On the other hand, he shouldn’t be alone with her. Supposing she tried to … ‘Look, Susie, why don’t you … borrow a dress of … Jennifer’s? She won’t mind. C … come upstairs with me and I’ll dig you something out.’

  Matthew frowned. ‘Well, don’t wake Anne. She’s hardly slept at all the last two nights.’

  ‘It’s all right. I’m awake.’ Anne’s voice echoed plaintive from the hall. ‘I heard the noise. What’s up?’ Anne was also in her nightdress, a long white Victorian one which made her look still paler. ‘Susie! What are you doing back? And half undressed! What’s happened, dear?’

  Susie was bent over the table, shoulders shaking, hair trailing across the teacups.

  ‘Don’t cry.’ Anne smoothed her hair back. ‘Is your mother worse? Look, try and quieten down a bit and tell me what’s the matter.’

  ‘No, I can’t, I can’t. You’ll … never understand.’ Susie rubbed her eyes, blew her nose. ‘Where’s J … Jennifer? Please tell me where she is.’

&nb
sp; Lyn was hovering by Susie’s chair. ‘She won’t be long. She’s only gone to …’

  ‘Well, she shouldn’t have gone anywhere. I’m bloody pissed off with her. She promised she’d …’

  ‘Susie, please. Pull yourself together.’ Matthew was taking over now. ‘Anne’s very unwell herself. She needs some peace and quiet, not all this uproar.’

  Susie sprang up from the table. ‘Stuff Anne! She’s just had six whole weeks lolling about in the sunshine, and then you have the cheek to say she’s ill. Im ill. I feel sick and dizzy and faint and … If you really want to know, I’m …’

  Lyn was almost shouting. ‘Shut up, Susie.’

  ‘Yes, you join in. That’s all I need. You don’t give a shit about me—any of you—you least of all, Lyn. I asked you to help me, didn’t I—and what did you do—run off like a cry-baby. I’m sick of the lot of you. No, leave me, Anne. You’re ill. You’ve got to rest after all that hard grind in a five-star hotel with nothing to do but lie about and sip champagne and …’

  ‘That’s not fair, Susie. It’s not. I have been working hard. And I d … do feel rotten. I’ve g … got a …’ Anne’s voice was cracking up, tears stabbing down her cheeks. She lurched from the room, collided with Hugh and Oliver who were stampeding towards the kitchen.

  ‘Mum! What’s wrong? What’s happened? You’re crying.’

  ‘N … nothing.’ Anne hugged them, tried to hide her face. ‘How are you, darlings? I’ve missed you.’ She was kissing all four boys at once.

  Hugh suddenly pulled free. ‘Hey, look! There’s Susie. Susie’s back. She’s crying too. Her mother must have died. Is that why you’re upset, Mum? Charles, Robert, listen! Susie’s mother’s dead, I think. Everybody’s crying.’

  Robert burst into tears himself. ‘Oh, no! I don’t want her to die. I prayed she wouldn’t die. I asked God not to I … let her …’

  Matthew grabbed him by the sleeve. ‘Robert! Control yourself. Nobody’s dead at all. Charles, will you please come here and …’

  Jennifer stepped into the hall, loaded down with all the boys’ bags, her forehead creased with worry. ‘Lyn, I must see Lyn. Susie! You’re here. Thank God! I’ve … What’s the matter, Anne? What on earth is going on? Why is everybody crying? Susie, you haven’t …’

  ‘Her mother’s dead.’

  ‘She’s not dead.’

  ‘Mrs Briggs said …’

  ‘Fuck Mrs Briggs! I’ve got this lousy pain and …’

  ‘Susie, I will not have you using language like that in front of …’

  ‘Why is Mummy in her nightie?’

  ‘Where in fuck’s name have you been, Jen? You promised you’d come back and …’

  ‘Susie, I’ve warned you once already. Would you …’

  ‘Susie’s in her nightie, too.’

  ‘Shall we get in pyjamas?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid. It’s only teatime.’

  ‘What’s for tea?’

  ‘You can’t eat tea when people are dead.’

  ‘They’re not dead.’

  ‘Listen, Jen, if you change your mind now, when …’

  Lyn leapt up from his chair, rocketed into the hall. ‘Shut up!’ he yelled. ‘The lot of you! I can’t stand a minute more of this. Get to your rooms, boys—all of you. Go on, get out, before I …’

  There was a sudden deafening silence. Everybody stared. Lyn had never taken charge before, never given orders, least of all in Matthew’s presence in Matthew’s house. The boys slunk away, scared and disbelieving. The silence tautened, broken only by a muffled wail from Susie, a gasping breath from Anne.

  Lyn was trembling. He fled up the stairs, stopped, paused, turned to face them, slowly stumbled down again. ‘Listen. I want you to h … hear this—all of you—so that you can’t pretend you didn’t understand or … Jennifer and I are … going. Not this minute. We’ll stay and help you unpack this evening and clear up the house and … I’ll phone a few agencies, if you like, and try and get you a nurse or a … housekeeper or something. But after that, we’re leaving—first thing in the morning. Is that clear?’

  Jennifer ran up to him. ‘Lyn, no,’ she whispered. ‘Not now—not with Anne ill and …’

  ‘You can’t leave,’ Susie yelled. ‘You can’t! Jennifer promised she wouldn’t …’

  ‘Now look, old chap, do be reasonable. I quite understand that you want to be on your …’

  ‘Is that clear, Matthew?’

  Lyn pushed Susie out of the way, seized the two heaviest suitcases and staggered upstairs with them. No one moved. The phone rang suddenly, shrilling through the hall. Nobody answered it. They were like carved and rigid figures on a frieze. Matthew broke out of the picture, marched to his study, closed the door. The ringing stopped.

  Susie clutched her stomach. ‘Jen, please help! I’ve got such a lousy pain, I think I’m going to throw up.’

  ‘Go to the downstairs cloakroom then.’ Jennifer’s voice was very quiet. ‘I’ll be with you in a minute.’ She picked up the last of the luggage and took it up to Matthew’s room.

  She found Lyn with his back to her, standing in their own room by the window, staring out.

  ‘You shouldn’t have said that, Lyn—not with everybody so upset and …’

  He didn’t turn round. ‘You told me to say it. You begged me to be strong.’

  ‘Yes, strong, but not … callous. We can’t just walk out on Anne when she’s …’

  ‘If she’s really ill, then Matthew can hire a nurse for her. I’m not c … callous, Jennifer, but if we stay on now, there’ll never be an end to it. We’ll be tied down here for ever.’

  ‘Yes, but Susie … She’s in a dreadful state. She’ll never stay at Southwark now. And what about Anne and Matthew? They’re expecting me to put her on a train and pack her off to her mother’s.’

  ‘It would be better if you did.’

  ‘Oh, Lyn, you know she can’t go there. They’ll turn her out the minute they find she’s … pregnant.’

  Lyn’s hands were trembling on the window-frame. ‘There are hostels, aren’t there? And social workers and special grants and … We’ve got a welfare state, Jennifer.’

  ‘Susie doesn’t want all that.’

  ‘She doesn’t have much choice. Either that, or stand on her own two feet.’

  ‘Lyn, she’s still in her teens, for heaven’s sake. You can’t expect her to manage on her own when she’s not even married or …’

  Lyn rammed his fist against the window-frame. ‘Hester bloody did.’

  Jennifer backed away. The sun was streaming through the window, unconcerned. An aeroplane roared overhead. She waited for its vibration to die away. Lyn’s three last words were still throbbing underneath it. ‘W … what did you say, Lyn?’

  ‘Nothing. I d … don’t know what I’m saying. You’re confusing me. This whole day’s been a … nightmare. It’s all the more proof we can’t stay here. The place is like a madhouse. We’ll never have a moment’s peace if we …’

  ‘You said ‘‘Hester managed’’.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. I …’

  ‘You did, Lyn. What d’you mean? Y … you don’t know about …’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Oh, forget it.’

  ‘No, tell me what you were going to say.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Yes, it does.’

  The silence was thick, like gum. Lyn walked slowly to the bed, sank down on it. ‘Snookie,’ he said. ‘Come here.’ He took her hand, pulled her down beside him. ‘You mean, y … you know, too?’ He wanted her to know, to share it with him. Was that why he had let it out?

  Jennifer swallowed. ‘I’m n … not quite sure if we’re talking about the … same thing.’

  ‘Hester?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Hester’s … baby?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Her … first baby?’

  ‘Yes.’ Jennifer sprang up. ‘Oh, God! You mean, Matthew told you? How
could he? He promised faithfully he wouldn’t breathe a …’

  ‘What you talking about?’

  ‘Lyn, I’m horrified. I mean, I know Matthew’s overbearing, even a bit of a … bully, sometimes, but I never thought he’d break his word, not after I’d …’

  ‘What is all this? Matthew hasn’t said a thing …’

  ‘Oh, I see. I’m … sorry. I thought … But how did you know, then?’

  ‘I found … a letter.’

  ‘What sort of letter? Where? When? Who from?’

  ‘Never mind. What’s far more important is how you and Matthew knew.’ Lyn had got up himself now, and was pacing up and down in front of the window.’

  ‘It was … in the diaries.’

  ‘It wasn’t! There’s not a single word about it, not in all that stack of notebooks. My mother wasn’t like that. She didn’t blab or …’

  Jennifer shut her eyes, leant against the chest of drawers. ‘There was just … one page, Lyn.’

  ‘Which page? I never saw it.’

  ‘N … no.’

  ‘Where is it, then?’

  ‘M … Matthew’s got it.’

  ‘Matthew?’

  ‘Yes, I … gave it to him.’

  ‘You gave it to him? To Matthew?’

  ‘Yes.’ Jennifer went up to him—had to stop him pacing—took his hand, gripped his fingers. ‘You see, when I first found the diaries … in the cellar, I was reading through them all, and I came across this … page—just a line or two, that’s all it was, recording the baby’s birth. It was a … shock, Lyn—even for me. You’d had shocks enough—the funeral and … everything. I didn’t want to upset you any more, so I … tore it out and …’

  ‘Tore it out?’ He felt like a parrot repeating all her words, a dumb, stupid parrot with its claws clipped, chained up on a perch.

  ‘I’m sorry. It was … wrong, I know, but you were in such a … state already, darling, and then when Matthew wanted to publish, I was scared he might find out, or might even know himself, or …’

  ‘So you … ‘‘confessed’’ to Matthew?’