“Have you lived in Oregon long, Rachel?” Grace turns and looks at me, sweetly starting up a conversation.
“Uh, yes. I was born in the Midwest and came out here about twelve years ago.”
“I love Oregon, frankly. I keep telling Bill when he retires we need to move up here.”
There are no airs about his mother and father at all. Even though both of their sons have successful careers, I can’t see a hint of snobbery in the family whatsoever.
Ian’s mother is wearing a modest blue dress, adorned with a gold necklace. She’s sparkling in personality, lovely to look at, and has a beautiful complexion for a woman who is probably in her late fifties. Grace’s hair is light brown, but looks as if she’s had it tinted to cover any gray.
Bill is unpretentious, attentive toward his wife, dressed in a brown suit. His hair is graying at the temples and a little thin on the top, but he’s quite a decent-looking man for his age, and slender. I see the resemblance in Ian and Jack immediately. They both appear to take after their father, more so than their mother.
My eyes scan about the table at everyone as they peruse their menus. I can’t see the words in front of me. I know I have to order something, but I also know I’m going to be picking at my plate for the next hour, dreading each bite. My anxiety is growing, and I catch Jack’s eyes again watching me. Quickly, I look back down at the menu. I wish he’d knock it off. What is it with him?
The waiter returns to the table to take our orders. I still haven’t decided what to do. I read my options—filet mignon, duck breast, sea bass, and crab. God, I’m out of my league. Where are the burgers? The waiter makes it around to me, and I order fish. It’s the lightest thing on the menu, and something that I think I can manage after six months of eating frozen dinners and carry out.
Ian’s father orders two bottles of wine—one white, the other red. I have no idea what they are, but when they start filling up glasses I’m mortified. I choose the white, and ask for a small portion. The waiter pours half a glass. My purple pill is going to be complaining.
I try and smile while the table turns into family chatter. Quietly, I listen and take in all the conversation. Ian asks his brother about work.
“Jack, how’s the practice going?”
“Fine. Busy as hell.”
Karen adds, “He’s never home.” She flashes a tender smile. “But I love him anyway.”
I stare at them both, and then my curiosity gets the better of me. “Jack, what is your medical specialty?”
He looks at me square in the eye with a straight face. “Psychiatry. I’m a psychiatrist, Rachel.”
Jack picks up his glass of wine and takes a sip, keeping his eyes on me. Shit! A psychiatrist? Now I know why he’s been looking at me like a hawk. Ian has told him about my past, I’m sure of it. He’s checking me out big time, doing a little psychoanalyzing of my behavior at the dinner table, no doubt. I try not to feel threatened, but it’s hard. I reply calmly, but I’m perturbed.
“Oh, Ian, didn’t tell me that you were a psychiatrist,” I say, turning my head and looking at him with one of those “when were you going to tell me” looks. Ian smirks.
“Just never came up in our conversations.”
I feel his hand back under the table again searching for mine, which is now balled into a fist. He finds it and then holds it tight underneath his palm. It’s obvious that I’m having a slight hissy fit in private. I glance back over at Jack. He’s saying something to Karen, but I can’t hear the words. Maybe my brain wants to tune him out. I wish Dr. Grayson were here to protect me.
Ian leans into my ear and whispers. “You okay?”
I don’t want to make a scene, so I nod and give him a forced smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Jack suddenly pipes up and picks up his wine glass.
“I’d like to propose a toast to Mom and Dad on their fortieth wedding anniversary.”
Ian looks lovingly at his parents and all eyes are upon them. Bill puts his arm around Grace and gives her a quick peck on the cheek.
“Mom and Dad, I think I speak for all of us at this table that we are happy to be here to share in the joy of celebrating your anniversary. You have been an inspiration in our lives. The adoration and respect that you show one another have taught your sons the meaning of unconditional love. Dad, you especially have been a wonderful example on how to respect, love, and honor the women in our lives, and for that, sir, I thank you.”
“I thank you too,” Karen announces. Everybody laughs.
I feel so foreign to the world in which they live that a deep sadness flows over me. Jack continues.
“We wish you many more happy years together. God bless you both.”
Everyone raises their glass. I hear Ian, “Bless you, Mom and Dad.” His voice is trembling, and I wonder if he’s revisiting the failure of his marriage in comparison to the success of his parents’ life together.
Unexpectedly, I feel truly sorry for him and understand the pain in his heart, let alone what I encouraged him to do in bed with me. I feel ashamed, and for some odd reason, I comprehend why he’s struggling about making it right with Susan. A moment later, I join in the toast and smile at them both.
“Happy anniversary.”
I add my congratulatory remark and take a small sip of white wine. When I’m through, I set my glass down on the table and look at Ian. I feel my eyes tearing, but I suppress my emotions. “I hope you know how lucky you are,” I whisper.
He looks at me affectionately and squeezes my hand underneath the table. “I do, Rachel.”
I’m so jealous that he has it all. Dear God, I want it too—a kind, loving family and unconditional love.
It’s all I can do not to cry. Warily, I look over at Jack. He’s watching my obvious struggle over the unfamiliar territory I’m exploring. Jack nods his head in my direction and gives me a sympathetic glance and a kind grin.
My eyes break away, and I lower my head to stare into my glass of white wine. It’s obvious by the look on his face that he knows the secrets of my heart.
Chapter 22
The Aftermath of Surprise
For the next hour and a half, I feel as if I’m having an out-of-body experience. I’m there at the dinner table participating in the festivities, poking at my food, chitchatting, but my mind is elsewhere. It’s difficult to process normal, when most of my life has been abnormal.
As the event draws to a close, I fear that I will never fit in. I’ve come to the awful conclusion that I’m not right for Ian. On the other hand, I still want him more than I want Susan to reclaim him. I’m feeling terribly confused.
Everyone rises from the table. Grace turns toward me and gives me a little hug.
“It was wonderful getting to know you, Rachel.”
“You too,” I manage to say. Ian’s father approaches me.
“Rachel, I hope we get to meet again someday. Thanks for joining the family affair tonight. I hope we didn’t bore you.”
“Oh, heavens, no, Mr. Richards. It was an enjoyable evening, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to have met you both.”
“I’m glad, too, dear,” Grace replies with sincerity.
I’m overwhelmed at the reception I’m receiving from Ian’s parents. There is so much more that I wish I could articulate, but I can’t get the words out of my mouth.
I notice that Ian is over by Jack and Karen talking. When he’s through, he turns his attention to his mother and father to say goodbye. From the conversation, I gather his parents are leaving in the morning to drive further north up the coast into Washington State to continue their vacation on the San Juan Islands. I’m not sure about Ian’s brother, and then I see Jack and Karen head over toward me.
“Very nice to meet you,” Karen starts. She leans into my ear and whispers. “Make sure that rascal treats you good.”
I’m surprised at her comment, but I presume she’s trying to make light of my uneasiness. “Oh, I will,” I reply, forcing a grin.
Jack l
ooks at me sympathetically. “I hope I didn’t intimidate you, Rachel, with the psychiatrist business. People often feel uncomfortable in an informal setting when they first meet me.”
“No, not at all,” I reply. He knows I’m lying through my teeth. “Just surprised Ian left that little tidbit out.” I turn and look at him, and he’s playing innocent.
“You still coming over tomorrow afternoon to watch the game?” Ian asks.
“Yeah,” Jack replies. “What time?”
“I think it starts at Noon. I’ll check and give you a call.”
Apparently, my exposure to the mind bender isn’t over yet. Karen smiles.
We say our goodnights, and Ian escorts me to the car. I’m emotionally exhausted. As soon as we climb in and sit down, we both stare out of the windshield. Apparently, this wasn’t easy for him either. After a minute, which feels like an hour, he turns and looks at me. Even in the dark interior of the car, I see his eyes sparkle with approval. He reaches over and takes my hand.
“You did fantastic, Rachel. I was proud to introduce you to my family. Felt good.”
Why do I want to tell him that I don’t feel the same? Yes, his family is wonderful, but I’m out of my comfort zone. My self-esteem issues are reminding me that I’m a messed-up female with a long road of healing in front of me. One thing I’m sure, though, this evening I learned more about the man sitting next to me.
“I’m glad you pulled this fast one on me, Ian. It’s given me a deeper insight into who you are as a person and how your parents have formed your character. You’re the kindest and gentlest human being I’ve ever met. Your entire family is gracious.”
He gives me a vulnerable look as if he’s uncomfortable with what I’ve said. Apparently, he has trouble receiving honest accolades as well.
“Is that a bad thing or a good thing?”
“For you it’s a good thing, but for me…it’s not bad, per se, just strange and uncomfortable. I feel like the square peg trying to be shoved into the round hole.” Disappointment spreads across Ian’s face.
“Oh, Rachel,” he affectionately expresses, “I honestly hope that one day you see your worth. You are a beautiful woman that warms my heart. You deserve happiness.”
My brain doesn’t process worth. My ex-husband’s belittling voice screams into my gray cells, Look at you! Who would want someone like you? I wish you were dead. I’m not sure if I’ll ever believe anything else. I want to silence that bastard’s voice, but I can’t find the erase button.
Ian inserts the key into the ignition and pulls out of the parking lot. We are both quiet during the short drive back to his beach house. As soon as we enter, I want to flop on the couch and pass out.
“I’m really tired,” I announce, taking off my silk shawl.
“Me too,” Ian replies softly, coming toward me. He stands a few inches away from my body and looks at me fondly. “Why don’t you join me on the other side of the bed tonight? I promise not to incite anything.”
I suck in my lips and think about his offer. His couch isn’t that comfortable. “Okay, but no sex.”
“No sex.”
“Take me to your boudoir,” I tease.
He raises his eyebrows at me. “Well, my boudoir will be a tad boring tonight,” he says, grabbing my hand and leading me upstairs.
After we’re ready for bed, I climb in with my panties and bra and he with PJ bottoms, but no top. We’re between the sheets. I look at him; he looks at me. It’s awkward. I have an overwhelming need to be held in his safe and loving arms.
“Hug?” I sound like a little child.
Ian reaches out his arm and draws me into his warm body. I find that comfortable place in the crook of his shoulder and lay down my head. My arm wraps around his waist. The sense of security and peace cover me like a warm blanket. He kisses my head and strokes me gently with his hand. I want to tell him that I love him, but I’m afraid to utter the words. Ian is quiet, but I don’t care. A few moments later, I fall into peaceful sleep in his strong arms.
* * * *
The morning light wakes me up. I’m still wrapped in Ian’s arms and it feels wonderful. He stirs when I do.
Good morning,” he says, with a grin and sleepy eyes. “It’s nice to wake up next to you.”
“Morning,” I reply, afraid to breathe into his face lest I have a bad breath.
“Sleep good?”
“Yes, you’re very comfy and make a good pillow.”
“You think so, do you?” He reaches over to my waist and starts tickling me.
“Ian!” I’m squirm and try to wiggle away, laughing at him, but he won’t let up. Suddenly, he’s on top of me looking into my eyes, and I feel his morning erection. God, this is not good.
He looks as if he’s examining every inch of my morning face and wild hair. I’m losing it physically. Ian lowers his mouth and kisses me with his prickly face and bad breath. His tongue slips in between my lips, and he still tastes sweet to me. God, I love this man.
When he’s finished, he rolls off me. “Boy, I better get out of bed, or I’m going to break my promise.”
I watch him throw back the covers, stand up, and disappear into the bathroom. My body is on fire, and I have this urge to be loved—not hurt. My psyche is surprised over that emotion.
Okay, I say to myself, getting out of bed. I hear him turn on the shower, so I trot downstairs to the bathroom and take a cold shower myself.
* * * *
An hour later, I’m sitting at the kitchen counter munching on cereal and toast. Ian and I are both off somewhere in our thoughts. The anticipation of his brother’s arrival is driving me insane. I have to know.
“I need to ask you something,” I say, looking at him, somewhat afraid of the answer.
“Sure, what?” he replies, talking with his mouth full again. I have the urge to scold him, but I enjoy his rare foibles.
“What have you told Jack about me? Does he…does he know about my sexual issues?”
There, I’ve said it. A tremendous relief rolls off my shoulders, but now my stomach is in a knot waiting for Ian to answer. I can see by the look on his face, he’s already spilled the beans. It didn’t take me long to figure it out last night, after Jack’s relentless notes he was taking in his mind about my behavior at dinner.
“Okay, I’ll fess up,” he sighs.
“Please do.”
“Yes, I have.”
“Okay, I can deal with that. Why and when?” I sound pushy.
Ian drops his eyes into the cereal bowl. He looks embarrassed. I’m surprised he’s having trouble maintaining eye contact with me.
“Well, the first time was after you told me about your abuse initially. I was concerned.”
“Okay, that makes sense. If I were in your shoes, I probably would have done the same.”
“Then after we separated, I really needed to talk to Jack. I nearly lost it when you left.” His eyes look into mine, and he flashes a timid grin. “It’s convenient having a shrink in the family—saves money.”
“Funny,” I reply with a chuckle. I try to keep the conversation on the light side. “Did it help?”
“Yeah, sort of.”
“What did he say about my past?”
Ian draws in a deep breath. “He asked me some questions, and I told him what I knew, but didn’t understand.”
I pull my gaze away from him, because now it’s my turn to feel embarrassed. The shrink is going to be back at noon, and I’m wondering if he has a poking session planned. For a few moments, I ponder my predicament. More than anything, I want to put Ian’s mind at ease.
“Would you feel better about my issues if I sat down with your brother and talked to him?”
Ian sits up in his chair and intently looks at me. He seems shocked and intrigued over my suggestion.
“You don’t have to do that, Rachel. Besides, whatever you tell him is confidential, so he can’t discuss it with me anyway.”
“True,” I remind myself. “Bu
t I suppose he can counsel you one way or the other and help you make a decision.”
“What decision?”
He looks confused, and I wonder if he’s hiding what I know is going on inside of his soul. He’s at a crossroads; it’s obvious.
“Whether you want to be with me or Susan.”
I swirl the smidgen of milk left in my cereal bowl with my spoon in order to find a safe place to escape. It’s too hard to look at him, and I’m afraid of what he might say. It’s apparent, he’s not going to say anything either by his silence.
I slide off the stool. “Mind if I take a walk on the beach alone?”
“No,” he answers without looking at me. Apparently, I’ve put him on the spot.
“I’ll see you in a bit.” I grab my jacket and head out the sliding door to the path that leads to the ocean. The cool morning air touches my face, and I draw in a deep breath. I walk toward Haystack Rock and try to calm my fears of rejection.
He’s not the only one at a fork in the road. I know how hard it must be for him to think about me in a long-term sense. It will take commitment on both of our parts—me to continue counseling and seek healing; and him for the patience to endure the long process. I don’t want to think of him as my abuser when we’re in bed. My desires have begun to yearn for something else.
As I near the rock, I stop and watch the waves crash against the hard monument. Seagulls and other ocean birds are circling above my head squawking. Amidst the beauty, I wonder what Susan’s motives are in getting back together with Ian. Is she on the rebound from her last relationship or using him for something else? The whole matter unsettles me, because I don’t know. Conjecture is useless.
I do know, though, that this weekend with Ian has brought me closer to him in many ways, and for that, I’m thankful. Hopefully, when it’s all over, he’ll choose me, instead of her, regardless if I think I’m right for him or not. There is a deep longing in my soul for goodness and a loving relationship, and it’s to that smidgen of hope I decide to cling to instead of fear and doubt.
Chapter 23
Confidential Confessions
Conflicting Hearts Page 20