by Elle Casey
Colin is shaking his head. “So what about this Randy person? Why did he come here?”
My hands drop away from Colin’s face as I re-join the real world, present day. “I guess he found out.” I look over my shoulder at Colin’s canvasses that didn’t make it to Geraldine’s gallery. “Randy’s parents got the postcard from the gallery with that painting of me on it. It shows me pregnant.”
I hear a long sigh come from Colin and turn around to see his shoulders sagging towards the ground. “Son of a bitch,” he says quietly.
“Yeah. Literally.”
Colin looks up, his face a mask of sorrow and apologies. “So what can we do to fix this?”
I shake my head. “Nothing. I just have to give birth and get the heck out of here. I have to start over somewhere else. Far from Charlie, far from his family’s influence.”
“Why not go to the police and have them get involved? They’re not going to hand over your baby to a rapist’s family.”
“There is no evidence of rape!” I say, my frustration coming out with the force of my words. “I never told anyone! You are the only person in the entire world outside of me, Charlie, Randy, and whoever else was there that this happened to me!” My voice downshifts into pleading as I share the cold hard facts with Colin. “And Charlie and I were dating for over a year. Who dates that long without having sex in this day and age?”
“Well, there you go,” says Colin, sounding happy.
“What?”
“Witnesses. You said you have witnesses. Randy and whoever else was there, right?”
I burst out crying. I can’t help it.
“Oh, shit, babe, I’m so sorry.” Colin rushes over and gathers me into his arms.
I’m too far gone to speak. I sound deranged as the sobs wrack my body and have me shivering all over. I’m very close to vomiting.
“Take a breath, babe. Take a breath,” he says.
I try, but I can only gulp hunks of oxygen before sobbing all over again. I try to explain so he can understand, pausing to retch and to try and catch my breath. “All this … all this … time I … I … I pictured myself be … be … being drugged and raped, I …. I … I … still kept it in my head that … that … we were alooooone! That we were alone!” My voice goes up a few notches into a shriek. “… That it was an intimate moment! That it was a rape between two people, not several of them!” A cramp seizes my side and causes me to buckle in half.
“Aaaaahh owwwwww!” I scream. The blood leaves my face and I suddenly go clammy all over.
“Are you okay?” Colin says, his own voice sounding a little crazy. “Are you in pain?”
“My side … “ I whisper. “It’s my side again … ohhh owwww ooohhhh poooooo that hurts.”
“Come on,” Colin says, sweeping me up into his arms. “Let’s go to bed.”
He’s pounding down the stairs as Teagan’s on her way up.
“What’s going on? Who’s getting stabbed?” she asks.
“No one,” Colin says. “Just more of that ligament pain. I’m putting her to bed.”
I’m focusing all my attention on not dying, so I can’t say anything to her to make her feel any better about my craziness.
“You need my help?” she asks. “I could massage something if she wants.”
“NO!” I yell with more force than I mean to. “No massages.” I pant like a dog to breathe past the pain.
“Okee dokee.” Teagan stands in my doorway as Colin lays me down gently on my bed. “Just call if you need me. I’m going to go dig some holes in the backyard with Quin.”
Colin turns around. “Dig some holes?”
She wiggles her eyebrows. “Yep. Some holes.”
She’s gone before either of us gets an explanation, but I don’t care. Because now I’m lying in my bed and Colin is hovering over me with a strange look in his eyes, and I don’t know whether I should be running away and screaming for my life or opening my arms and inviting him to join me.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
COLIN STANDS AT THE EDGE of the bed staring down at me. “I feel helpless,” he says. “What should I do?”
“Just … be with me,” I say, closing my eyes so I can try to focus on something other than him and my ligaments. What else is there to think about? What I just confessed? No. Not that. God, not that.
The bed moves and I open my eyes in time to see Colin lying down next to me. He’s being very careful not to jiggle the bed. I close my lids again so he won’t see me staring and freaking out.
My pain recedes in the wake of the sensations taking over my body. Colin is lying so close I can feel the heat from his body. I can smell his sweet breath on my face. And then his heavy hand is on my hip and he’s talking.
“Thanks for telling me all that. About Charlie. I won’t say anything to anyone.”
I smile weakly. “Thanks.” Relief comes as a balm to my jagged heart.
“But I really wish you’d say something to the police. It’s not right."
“I know. But I can’t.” Surprisingly, the very idea doesn’t set me off into a wave of panic. For the first time, I can hear those words and not think my world is about to end.
“Have you thought about …”
I open my eyes. By his expression I can tell he’s holding back, afraid to offend me.
“I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say he’ll do it to someone else.”
“Yes. That is what I was going to say. He will, you know.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why don’t you think so?”
So much for the panic receding. Now the guilt descends like a heavy cloak over my shoulders. “I’ve had this conversation with myself in my head a hundred times, okay? He’s not like that.”
Colin hisses out some air. “I’d say he’s exactly like that.”
“No, I mean, we were together for a long time. And in all that time, he never did anything bad.”
“Other than pressure you and take your free will away eventually.”
“He was stressed, and I think I’m partially to blame for … what happened.” There. I said it out loud. The piece of my nightmare that has always been the worst part to bear is now out there in the air between us.
“How do you figure that?” Colin’s hand leaves my hip and his fingers move some hair out of my face. The cool air hits my exposed skin and gives me a shiver.
“We kissed and did other things that always got him … you know. Turned on. It was like a tease. For months it was like that. Months and months.”
“And you’re saying because you let him kiss you and touch you, he was somehow entitled to take everything from you? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No. Not like that.” I’m getting frustrated and sad. I thought I’d gotten rid of all my tears but apparently not. They drip down and land on the pillow next to my face.
“I’m not trying to make you sad or feel bad. I just want you to see …” He strokes more of my hair, sending shivers down and up my spine. “You’re not guilty of doing anything wrong. You should be able to kiss a guy and touch his body all over and still say no at the end of the night. You don’t owe a guy anything, I don’t care who he is or what he’s done for you.”
I laugh, sadness with a touch of bitterness to go with it flavoring my voice. “Yeah, right. Like you’d go for that.”
“I would. And I have.”
“Colin …” I sigh out heavily. “No girl says no to you, so how do you know what you’d do in that situation?”
He smiles. “I’ve gotten a few nos in my life. I lived through it.”
“I don’t believe it.” My tears have dried up and a real smile is breaking through.
“So you think I’m pretty good-looking then, is that what you’re saying?”
My heart skips a beat as my sadness is replaced by embarrassment. I shove his shoulder gently. “Shut up.”
“Yeah, I can see it in your eyes.” He leans back a little and stares at
me. “You’re thinkin’ I’m pretty studly.”
“Studly? Who says that anymore?” I’m trying to play it off. I’m so embarrassed right now. He’s caught me staring. He’s caught me being a goober over him. Me. The pregnant girl with the cankles. Holy potbelly pig crush.
“I think you’re pretty cute too,” he says, his voice soft. He reaches up to touch my hair again and my eyes follow the motion. I can’t look at him straight on.
“You’re nuts,” I say.
“Nah. I’m perfectly sane. I’m just hoping one of these days I can convince you to give me a kiss.”
My entire body turns to stone. I’m solid. Every muscle is tensed, and I’m afraid to breathe. I think he just said he wants to kiss me. Me!
“Stop playing,” I finally say, rolling over onto my back and doing a pretty darn fine imitation of a person who could give two poops about what he just said.
Two seconds later I realize what a mistake that is, when I find it hard to breathe due to a baby sleeping on my lungs, and keep going over to my other side, my back to him now. My heart is racing but I’m giving it everything I have to remain calm and collected. I settle into a comfortable spot looking at the wall.
The bed jiggles as his body comes up closer behind me.
Oh my god. Is he going to spoon me?
Just the very slightest touch of his leg reaches mine, but otherwise, there is still space between us when he stops moving.
“Are you tired?” he asks. His breath tickles a bit of my exposed shoulder.
It’s when I think about it for a moment that I realize I’m beyond tired; I’m exhausted. “Yes,” I say with a big sigh.
“Me too. Let’s go to sleep.” He keeps his hands to himself and he doesn’t move.
After a few seconds I realize that he really means it. He’s falling asleep. A very light snore drifts over us. It’s like a metronome, hypnotizing me. Our breathing patterns begin to synch up and I feel my eyelids falling lower and lower.
My brain goes hazy with sleep. What’s the harm in a short little snooze with Colin lying next to me in the bed? Nothing. We’re adults, right? It’s not like he’d ever do anything. I can trust him.
Smiling in the dark, I realize how happy that makes me. It’s one hundred percent true, too. I would trust Colin with anything. He’d never force me to do something I wasn’t ready for.
I’ll just take a little nap. I wiggle around, trying to get my belly comfortable as it sinks lower into the mattress. And later, when I’m alone, I’ll dissect every single word he said and figure out where I’m going to go from here.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I BLINK MY EYES A few times as I reorient myself to my current situation. I’m in my room, in my bed. But I’m fully clothed?
The memories come rushing back. Colin slept with me! I look over my shoulder, but no one’s there. It makes me both relieved and sad. I’m glad not to be sharing my morning breath with him, but sad that he left me.
Just that idea makes me mad at myself. As if Colin would sleep with me and get up with me in the morning. It’s not like we’re a couple or anything. It’s not like he was being anything more than a good guy last night.
I struggle into a sitting position and realize that I need to pee probably worse than I ever have before. I barely make it to the bathroom, and end up staying in there to take a shower. I have no idea what time it is, but the sun is on its way up and I have things to get done today. One of the first things is to contact Geraldine and find out what other little surprises she might have in her gallery that I don’t know about.
My lack of planning becomes evident when I get out of the shower and realize I don’t have a towel big enough to cover myself in here. My eyes scan the room and come with one washcloth and one regular sized bath towel that I used the day before on my face. I know for a fact that this puppy is only good enough for about half my body being covered. Dang.
Doing my best with what I have, I open the door and streak out, tiptoeing as fast as I can over to my bedroom. Luckily, no one’s in the hallway.
Flinging the door open, I jump inside my room, and then turn around, pressing the door closed behind me. Phew! Made it.
“Good morning.”
I squeak in fright and spin around, the flap on my towel opening up for a moment to reveal my giant belly.
“Colin!” I say, out of breath, scrambling to grab the edges of my towel. My breasts are barely covered but my belly … not so much.
“Yeah. Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare ya.” He’s staring at my stomach.
My towel has taken on a life of its own. Every time I try to grab one side, the other slips through my grip. I bend over, hoping to make it easier, but all that does is split the two edges farther apart. When I stand back up and finally have the two of them under control, the top starts coming undone, so I give up on hiding my belly in favor of covering my chest. I’d turn around but the very last thing I want to do is give him a view of my bare butt with this ultra short towel. Holy big back yard alert.
“Stupid towel,” I grumble. My face is already flaming red and I can feel the blush coming up my neck now too.
“Hungry?” he asks, gesturing to a tray of food on the bed.
I freeze in my efforts to organize myself. “You brought me breakfast?”
He grins. “Yeah. Breakfast in bed. What do you think?”
My eyebrows are pretty much up in my hairline now. “I think … that I’m lucky?” And confused. Definitely confused. Why is he being so nice? And so … un-Colin-like?
“Good. Come eat it before it gets cold.”
I look over at the selection on the tray. There’s a bowl, a box, a spoon, and a glass of milk. “Uh … it’s cereal.”
“Yeah.” He grins. “I’m just trying to get you back into bed.”
I know he’s just playing around, but for some reason it makes me mad. Maybe because I have a tender heart that should not be played with. Turning my back on him, I readjust my towel and go to my dresser, digging out clothes to wear.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“No. You’re fine. Just eat without me. I need to get dressed.”
He jumps out of bed as I start to walk towards the door, blocking my path. “Don’t go.”
I can’t look at him so I settle for staring at his shoulder. “Colin, move. I need to get dressed. I have phone calls to make.”
“But you have to eat.” He gestures towards the food. “I’m going to leave you in peace so you can relax and eat without worrying about your towel.” He leans in before I can guess what he plans to do and kisses me quickly on the cheek. Then he throws open the door and walks out into the hallway. “I’ll see you later today.”
He’s on his way down the stairs before I’m over my shock of being kissed by him and have the presence of mind to respond. “Later today? What for?” Did I forget something? Is there a meeting I arranged and then promptly forgot? My pregnancy brain is in full gear, liable to forget anything; that’s why I have a whole purse full of sticky-notes. But I don’t recall a sticky note with the word meeting on it.
“Lunch! My treat!” he yells from the front door.
I back into my bedroom and shut the door behind me, wondering what exactly is going on between us.
Before I can muddle through all the conversations and analyze his every facial expression, my phone rings. I’m still half naked, but as soon as I see it’s Charity, I answer it.
“Alissa!” she shouts.
“Yes,” I say, smiling. It’s impossible not to with the tone of her voice like that. “It’s me. You sound happy.”
“I am. I really, really am.”
“Is this about the adoption?”
“Yes. And other stuff too. Everything is just going perfectly right now.”
I reach over and knock on the top of my dresser. “I just knocked on wood for you. Do me a favor and don’t tempt Fate like that.”
“Oh, right. Okay. Things are going reasonably well. How’s
that?”
“I liked the other way better.” I wander over to my bed and sit down on it. “Tell me what happened.”
“Well, I went over to Barbara’s house. It’s pretty fancy. Not too much, though, which is nice. She and her husband bought a fixer-upper and remodeled it. The neighborhood is really nice. There were kids playing outside.”
“I can picture it. It sounds nice.”
She sighs happily. “It was. I mean, I know it’s crazy, but I took it as a good sign that there were kids playing. Is that nuts?”
“No, it’s a good sign. What else happened?”
“Well, she took me on a tour of the house. She already has a nursery totally set up with a crib and everything. The closet is full of clothes for a boy and a girl. She said she just buys stuff and was hoping someday there would be a baby there to wear it.”
“She has a ton of baby food, huh?”
“Oh my god, yes. A pantry full of it. All of it is organic too.”
“That’s good.” I hesitate to say my next thought, but decide to express it anyway. Friends don’t let friends just do things like this without exploring every nook and cranny. “Was it a little weird? I mean … to see her house all set up for a baby but without a baby there?”
She hesitates before answering. “Well … I’d say it was more sad than anything. She told me some stuff … but I guess I can tell you since I know you’ll keep it to yourself and you would understand. She’s had a few miscarriages. One of them was really late in the pregnancy. So she’s gotten to the point that she’s kind of really sad and really desperate for a baby. She’s worried that if she gets too much older that it will be too late.”
“She isn’t that old.”
“She’s forty. I told her it wasn’t old either, but you know … you can’t tell that to a woman. I know when I’m forty I probably won’t listen to teenagers either.”
“I get it. Well, I guess you found the perfect situation. Have you met her husband?”
“That’s the only glitch.”
My heart sinks. “How so?”
“Well, I haven’t met him. But he seems … harsh.”