Our Fragile Hearts

by Buffy Andrews

  Rachel looked around. “What about this apartment?”

  “We’ll move whatever you want to keep. I’ll hire movers and I can oversee the packing while you rest.”

  “Mary, I just don’t know what to say. Everything is happening so fast.”

  I rubbed Rachel’s shoulder. “You don’t have to say anything. Just think about it. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I’ll come over here every day and take care of you and Piper. But it would be a lot easier to do it in my home. And I’d like my home to become your home, too.”

  Rachel went to her room to take a nap and I cleaned the house, waiting until it was time to meet Piper at the bus stop.

  Piper bounced off the bus. “Miss Mary!” She ran into my open arms.

  “How’s my girl today?”

  Piper smiled. “I lost another tooth!”

  Piper stuck out her chin and grinned. “See.”

  “I do see. When did it come out?”

  “At recess. Jacy didn’t pull it out this time. I wiggled it out all the way on my own.”

  Piper stuck her tiny hand into her jeans pocket and pulled out the tooth. “See.”

  I leaned over to look. “That’s a very pretty tooth. I bet the Tooth Fairy will pay a good price for that one.”

  “Think so?”

  I nodded. “Of course, she only comes if you’ve been good and if you remember to put the tooth under your pillow before you go to sleep at night.”

  I took Piper’s hand and we walked back to the apartment together. I’d explained Rachel was taking a nap and that I’d help her with her homework.

  A couple hours had passed and Piper and I sat down on the couch to read.

  “Miss Mary,” Piper said. “When’s Rachel getting up? I thought you said she was taking a nap. When I take a nap, it’s only for an hour. But Rachel’s been sleeping a long time.”

  I patted Piper’s hand. “Rachel hasn’t been feeling well, I’m afraid. But she went to the doctor today and he’s going to help her get better?”

  “Did I make her sick?”

  “No, of course not. Why would you ever think something as silly as that?”

  Piper shrugged her shoulders. “Sometimes I think I made Mommy sick and that’s why she died.”

  “Oh, Piper, sweetheart, no,” I said. “You could never make anyone sick. You make us all happy. Very happy.”

  “Even Rachel?”

  “Especially Rachel.”

  Suddenly Piper jumped up. “Rachel! You’re awake!”

  I turned around. “Are you feeling any better?”

  “A little,” Rachel said. “I can’t believe I slept so long.”

  I got up. “Would you like me to warm up the spaghetti I made for Piper?”

  I held up my hand. “Maybe later. First, I want to talk to both of you.”

  Piper walked over to the couch with Rachel. “Pipe,” Rachel said, “why don’t you sit between me and Mary?”

  Piper plopped down next to me and Rachel next to her. Rachel turned slightly so that she was facing me and Piper. “Listen, Piper. I’m sick.”

  “Do you have a cold? Jacy has a cold.”

  “No, it’s not a cold. It’s a little more severe than that.”

  “What’s severe mean?”

  “It’s not the type of illness that goes away quickly. It’s going to take me some time to get better.”

  “A week?”

  “I’m afraid a little longer.”

  Piper looked at Rachel with her big bluebell eyes. “But you’ll get better, right?”

  “I hope so,” Rachel said in a shaky voice. “But I’m going to need you to be strong and listen to Mary and be helpful around the house.”

  Piper nodded. “Is Mary going to move in with us?”

  Rachel looked at me. It took everything I had not to break down.

  “We’re going to move in with Mary,” Rachel told Piper. “If that’s all right with you.”

  Piper mashed her lips together and nodded. “Can I take Rachel Rose and my dolls and my clothes?”

  I sniffed. “Piper, you can bring whatever you want to my house. And if you’d like to redecorate your bedroom, I’ll hire workers to take care of that. I thought you might like to pick out new bedroom furniture, too. Maybe a bed with a pretty canopy.”

  Piper’s eyes widened. “Will you paint my bedroom pink? I like pink!”

  I smiled. “Yes. I love pink, too.”

  Piper hugged me and then I waved to Rachel to join in a group hug.

  “Thank you, Mary, for taking care of us,” Rachel said. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for what you’re doing.”

  “You already have,” I told her. “You already have.”

  Chapter 35

  Rachel

  Later that night, after Mary had left and Piper was sound asleep (and the Tooth Fairy had visited), I called Claire to tell her what had happened. She wasn’t happy with me.

  “Why didn’t you call sooner?”

  “I would have but everything happened so quickly. And then when Mary brought me home, I cried myself to sleep and woke up hours later.”

  “Listen, Rachel. Everything’s going to be okay. You’ve got this. You’re the strongest person I know.”

  I could feel my anger inching up my throat. “But I’m just so pissed, Claire. Why can’t anything ever be easy? Why does my whole life have to be one battle after another? Meanwhile, other people go through life with no struggles or difficulties at all. You’d think God would notice I’ve had enough to deal with and give me a break. But nooo. That’s too much to ask. Instead I get thrown another curve ball. And here’s the thing that really gripes my ass. If it was just me I had to be concerned about, that would be one thing. But it’s not just me. I have Piper to think about now. That’s why I asked Mary to adopt her.”

  “Whoa! Wait! Back up! What just happened here?”

  I told Claire about Mary’s appointment with her attorney and what we had set out to do. “So I asked Mary, if we were successful at having Piper’s dad’s rights terminated, if she’d adopt Piper.”

  “And what did she say?” Claire asked.

  “She said she would on one condition.”

  “Which was?”

  “That I’d also allow her to adopt me.”

  Claire sniffed. “That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve heard in a long time.”

  “Me, too,” I said.

  “Well, you’d better call Nick,” Claire said. “He was in the bar tonight and asked if I’d heard from you. He said he texted you but you didn’t respond.”

  I sighed. “I’ll call him next.”

  When Nick picked up the phone he sounded like he’d been sleeping.

  “Oh, sorry, Nick. It sounds like I woke you up.”

  “Rachel? Finally! I’ve been worried about you. What did the doctor say?”

  “It’s not good, Nick. I have cancer.”

  There was dead silence on the other end of the phone and then I heard a loud “Fuck!”

  “Oh, man, Rachel. I’m so sorry. Is there anything you need me to do?”

  “Thanks, Nick. Piper and I are going to move in with Mary. That way she can help care for Piper while I undergo treatments.”

  “That’s a great idea. You know, I didn’t realize I was in Mary McAlaster’s house until after we left there.”

  “Oh, do you know her?” I asked.

  “Rachel, almost everyone in town knows Mary McAlaster, or of her. The woman is probably this city’s biggest benefactor. She was the one who put up the money for the renovation of so many of the old buildings downtown. The woman is practically a saint in this town.”

  “I had no idea she was that well known. I mean, I knew she gave a lot back, but I didn’t know how much.”

  “Well,” Nick said. “You’re in good hands. People in town say that if Mary McAlaster wants something done, it gets done.”

  I laughed. “I suppose I just see her through a different lens. T
o me, she’s the mother I never had but always wanted.”

  “From what I could see the other night, she thinks the world of you and Piper, too. I’m glad you’ll be moving in with her. She’ll take good care of you. So what’s next?”

  “I have a CT scan tomorrow. Dr. Sweet said the scan will show how widespread the cancer is. He said once we know that, we’ll be able to determine the best way to beat it. Most likely it will be a combination of chemotherapy and radiation.”

  “Damn, I wish there was something I could do.”

  “There is,” I said. “Just be my friend. Visit me and Piper. She could use someone to take her bike riding. She’s been bugging me to take off her training wheels.”

  Nick laughed. “Already?”

  “Yep. You know Piper. She’s not one to let grass grow beneath her feet.”

  “Just like her big sister,” Nick said.

  I laughed. It was the first time I could remember being referred to as Piper’s big sister and I sort of liked how it sounded.

  I hung up the phone and looked around my bedroom. Soon, I’d be sleeping in Mary’s house. Maybe her house would feel like home. God knows this place never had. As hard as I tried, I’d always felt like an outsider. I’d tried too hard to make this apartment my home for Piper’s sake. The truth was it was never going to happen. Mary was right. I needed help. A lot of help. And she was willing and able to give it. Maybe one day I’d be able to return the favor. I knew that, no matter what, Piper had a better chance with Mary than without her. And I wanted to give her that chance. I wanted Piper to succeed in all of the ways I’d failed. Maybe then Mom and I both would have gotten something right.

  The next morning, Mary arrived at the apartment before we woke up. Fortunately, I’d given her a key the night before and the smell of bacon stirred me awake. I rolled out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen to find an apron-clad Mary frying bacon and mixing up a batch of pancakes.

  “Good morning,” she sang. “Ready for breakfast? I made coffee and I’ll have a pancake on the plate in a minute.”

  I smiled. Mary was happy. I never knew anyone who enjoyed making bacon and pancakes so much they couldn’t stop smiling. But then I realized she wasn’t just making bacon and pancakes that morning; she was making memories.

  Mary went with me to get the scan and that night she insisted on taking Piper and me to dinner at the fanciest place I’d ever been to. She had stopped at the mall so I could pick out a new dress and she also bought one for Piper that I knew she’d love. It was pink, of course, with a lacey flowing skirt and wide silk bow around the waist.

  I chose a silky black dress that cost more than my entire wardrobe. I didn’t want to spend that much money, but Mary insisted. And I know this is morbid, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I imagined myself lying in a coffin with that dress on. I hated that I couldn’t stop thinking about death.

  Chapter 36

  Mary

  I squeezed Rachel’s hand as Dr. Sweet went over her Cat-scan results. He explained that cancer is staged according to how far it’s spread.

  “You have early Stage 2 Hodgkin’s lymphoma.”

  Rachel’s chin wobbled and I could tell she was trying not to cry. “Will I die?”

  When I heard Rachel’s question I felt like someone had grabbed my heart and was yanking it out of my chest.

  “Let’s take one step at a time,” Dr. Sweet said. “Your cancer doctors will discuss treatment options and your prognosis. But I’d say, based on what I know, you have a very good chance of being cured.”

  I hadn’t realized I’d been holding my breath until I released it in one big burst after hearing Rachel had a good chance of being cured.

  “How sick will the treatments make me?” she asked.

  Dr. Sweet looked at me and then at Rachel. “The doctors will choose a treatment plan with the lowest risk of possible side effects. Do you have help at home?”

  “Rachel and Piper are moving in with me,” I said. “I’ll take care of both of them.”

  Dr. Sweet nodded. “A good support network is essential. And Rachel, if there is anything I can do, please call.”

  The next few days were a blur. I hired movers and painters and checked in with Ralph to make sure we were continuing to make progress on our case. I stopped volunteering, except for the NICU. I wanted to continue that if I could, but Rachel and Piper had become my top priorities.

  I’d promised Piper I’d take her shopping for new bedroom furniture and she found something she loved at the first store we went to. As soon as she saw the white bed with the pink canopy I knew we wouldn’t have to go anywhere else. It was just what I had in mind and she loved it just as much as I knew she would.

  Piper had lain on the bed. “This is a princess bed.”

  I smiled and looked at the clerk. “I’ll take the entire bedroom suite.”

  “Do you like the comforter and accessories, Piper?”

  Piper slid off the bed. “What’s accessories?”

  “Accessories are things that go with the bed.” I pointed to the lamp. “Like the lamp and bookends on the bookshelf.”

  Piper opened her arms and turned in a circle. “I love it all.”

  “Then I’ll take all of the accessories,” I told the clerk.

  “What about the bedding, Piper?” I walked over and patted the comforter and pointed to the bed skirt.”

  Piper nodded.

  “So, everything you see here you like, right?”

  “Right!”

  “Then I’ll take it all and please order me the bedding and have it shipped to the house.”

  “Of course, Mrs. McAlaster,” the clerk said. “Will there be anything else?”

  “Not right now. But I might be back another day.”

  I wanted to buy Rachel new furniture as well, although she had refused. But maybe I could talk her into it.

  Chapter 37

  Rachel

  I was so sick of tests and doctor’s appointments. I heard words like Bleomycin and Vinblastine. Doctors talked about cycles and white blood cell counts and side effects ranging from vomiting to hair loss to diarrhea. I felt as if I were driving in a thick fog, unable to see beyond the immediate and afraid that I was going to go off the road and smash into a tree at any moment.

  My oncologist explained that I’d receive chemotherapy intravenously. We’d go through cycles and there’d be a rest in-between them.

  “The drugs will travel through your bloodstream and kill the lymphoma cells,” he said. “After a few cycles, we’ll take a PET scan and see if it’s working. When you’re finished with the chemo, we’ll probably have you get radiation. Given your stage, I’d said you have a ninety percent chance of beating this.”

  I tried not to think about dying, but that was impossible. Worse yet, I felt like I had to stuff all of my emotions inside of me and hide them from Piper. I didn’t want to worry her. I found myself searching Pinterest for inspirational quotes one minute and melting the next into a pungent puddle of self-pity. I drifted through the stages of grief during those first few days – denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and depression. I hadn’t quite gotten to acceptance.

  I thought about all of the things I wanted to do with my life, and I cursed God for giving me this disease, for once again spinning me around so that I fell down instead of going in the direction I’d wanted. I was tired and weak and, despite having Piper and Mary, there were times when I felt completely alone.

  I was waiting for Mary and Piper to come home from shopping. Mary wanted to take me shopping for a new bedroom set, too, but I’d told her it wasn’t necessary. “I’m good with used stuff,” I’d told her. “It’s about all I ever got anyway.”

  Mary had scolded me. “Rachel, money is something I have a lot of. Let me spend some on you.”

  “Save it for Piper,” I’d said. “She might need it if something happens to me.”

  “Nothing’s going to happen to you,” Mary had said. “I have the best d
octors on your case. We’ll get you through this.”

  I heard a car door slam. “Finally, they were home.”

  I opened the door expecting to see Mary and Piper and instead came face to face with Piper’s dad.

  He stumbled toward my door and he was yelling something but his speech was so slurred I couldn’t make it out. I slammed the door and locked it with the dead bolt. Seconds later I heard pounding. “Open this door you bitch! Letz me sees my Pip-per!”

  I texted Mary.

  Don’t bring Piper home.

  Her dad is here.

  He’s banging on the door.

  Mary texted back.

  I’m calling police.

  Within minutes I heard sirens and then saw the flashing lights. Piper’s dad became even more agitated and banged on the door harder and faster. “Letz me in yous bitch!”

  Piper’s dad turned to run away from the police but stumbled and fell face down on the sidewalk. I watched from the window as two cops walked toward him. Then he did something I don’t think anyone expected. He pulled a gun on the cops.

  “Backs away,” he yelled. “Or I’ll shoot.”

  “Put down the gun,” the one cop said. “This doesn’t have to go this way. Just put the gun down and come with me.”

  There was more shouting and then Piper’s dad fired a shot, but it wasn’t toward the cops, it was toward me.

  Chapter 38

  Mary

  Piper and I rushed to the hospital to be with Rachel. Rachel called us and told us what had happened. The bullet didn’t hit her but the medics wanted to take her to the hospital to get checked out.

  Piper and I pulled back the curtain in the emergency room. Piper started crying. I held Piper up so she could give Rachel a kiss.

  Rachel rubbed Piper’s head. “I’m okay, Piper, honest.”

  I hadn’t told Piper what happened, only that Rachel wasn’t feeling well. As far as Piper knew, this was part of Rachel’s illness. I hadn’t wanted to frighten her by talking about a crazed man with a gun.

  “Girls, I was thinking. How about we have a slumber party at my house instead of you two going back to your apartment tonight?”

  Rachel smiled. “That’s a great idea, Mary. There’s no need for us to go back there.”