We agree to meet at the library at seven. It's neutral ground, and I don't want to go for coffee or anything that puts something in my stomach in case the nerves from the day catch up with me and I end up throwing up. I'm already nauseous as I sit outside in the parking lot. Plus, at the library, I can't yell and scream at him like I want. Years of pent up anger I thought I came to terms with is bubbling inside me, but with our meeting looming in the very near future, my frustration and resentment towards him only grows. Each minute until I exit the car eats me up.
I enter the library under such different intentions than ever before. When I'm here usually James joins me and we make a beeline for the children's area. He always rushes right to the board books and picks up every single one possible, his favorite being the ones with Mickey Mouse in them. I take a seat on the floor and sit James in my lap and read a few stories and then we pick a few to take home with us. Being here for such a different reason bothers me a bit. The library is kind of like a safe place, and I'm bringing Daniel into it.
We agree to meet upstairs by the Adult Fiction, near the section set up with couches and chairs. I want the meeting to be casual and not intimidating. I'm still fixing my hair, pulling my shirt to cover the flab, and straightening my jeans over my heeled boots. I walk into the Adult Fiction area and when I turn the corner to where we're to meet, he's already arrived.
His dark hair is longer now, and his face is a tad fuller. He smiles at me, but I can't return his sentiment. Am I happy? Relieved? Excited? He stands as I approach, but I quickly take a seat across from where he is, not saying a word until he sits down.
When he sits, his ring is the first thing that catches my eye. Daniel's wedding ring. His commitment to Lauren a part of him, with him every day. The gold band is surrounded with diamonds, and I don't doubt hers is either. What made him want her instead of me? Why did he want me just for sex? What about me didn't make me good enough for a relationship? I begin to tap my foot, waiting for him to speak, but I don't want him to. "This is a bad idea," I say as I stand up. I don't want to go back into this hole I spent so much time trying to escape from.
"Chelsea, wait. Please sit."
I'm unable to move, staring at Daniel, this man present in my life for quite some time. The man who's the father to my child. But he's not. James is a part of him, and he's a part of James, but only in the biological sense. He has no idea who James is. He isn't aware of his love of Mickey Mouse or how he adores his nana. He doesn't know how odd it is that he eats all his broccoli and won't be caught eating cake. His first birthday we gave him blueberries because for some reason he preferred the fruit over the cake to smash with his hands. He can't appreciate his smile or his giggles. Nothing. But, I want answers. Why doesn't he care to be involved? Why does he want that life with Lauren and the kids, but he doesn't want a thing to do with ours? Reluctantly, I sit back down. "What." Not even a question. A demand. I want him to tell me what the hell he wants and let me get home to my son.
"I ... " He rubs his hands on his knees and then down his face. "I'm not sure where to begin."
I can't stop staring at that ring. The piece of gold on his finger might as well be a knife slicing through my heart. I'm fresh off my date with Jay, and I'm finally ready to move forward, but that piece of jewelry freezes my progress and catapults me into the past. "How about you just spit out what you came here to say?"
"Chelsea, you're not being fair."
"I'm not being fair?" I push my finger into my chest. "You used me, Daniel, and disowned our child. How do you live with yourself every day knowing you have a son out there you've never met? How can you even close your eyes at night and not wonder about that little boy? That little boy without a father in his life. I would be so ashamed if I were you." Momma mode kicks in and I'm not holding anything back. I need to lower my voice, but James can't defend himself, so I must do it for him.
"I don't, Chelsea. I don't sleep at night."
"Well that's because you have two babies you need to take care of. You're married with two children and forgot about your firstborn."
"I don't forget, Chels, and I think about him every night."
My nose stings when I inhale the musty books surrounding me. A smell I love tarnished by him. Through gritted teeth, I say, "You don't even know what he looks like." And he looks just like Daniel. I can't go a day without him crossing my mind because I have a daily reminder.
Daniel nods and twirls his ring. "Fine. You're right. I deserve that. All of it."
He's clueless. The reaming I'm giving him is tame compared to what he deserves. He's getting off the hook pretty damn easy.
"I miss you, Chelsea."
His eyes soften, accelerating my heart the same way they did every time he told me he loved me. And each time he said those words was a blatant lie. I try everything I can, but I can't help myself. I scoff at him, and eventually I'm laughing. "That's amazing, Daniel. You miss me? The same way you loved me and wanted to be with me and planned on leaving Lauren?"
"I left Lauren."
"You what? But your two babies!" I'm concerned about his other children for some reason in this moment, not wanting him to abandon more kids. James adjusted to life without a father because he's never known one. Daniel's other kids are well aware of him. Yes, I resent them, and I hate these feelings are inside me, but it's not fair. Still, I don't wish this upon them.
"Things between us aren't working out. I still spend time with the kids. We've been separated about a month now. I'm not sure if we're going to stay together. She knows about ..." He struggles to find the name.
"James, Daniel. His name is James." My God, he can't even remember his name. I'm positive I texted him that.
"James, right. Can I see a picture of him?"
He doesn't deserve anything from me, but if after two years he wants a picture, I can give him that, right? I pull out my phone and search through the photos, this fatherless child staring back at me in every shot. Each smile is sincere. James has no idea who Daniel is. Am I hurting him, not allowing Daniel to see him? I find a picture my mom took of James and me, both of us smiling widely. I want him to see not only what an adorable son he missed out on, but that I'm happy, too. I hand him the phone. "Here."
I watch as he looks at my phone, his lip slightly trembling. "He looks like me."
"Don't remind me."
He hands me back my phone. "Hey, I'm well aware I screwed up. Big time. I ran when I found out about your pregnancy."
My pregnancy, as though he had zero involvement. Sure, he took off, but it was his pregnancy, too. "You started running since our first night together. I realize that now. If you weren't, you would've broken things off with Lauren immediately."
He turns to avoid looking me in the eyes. "I know. The first night I intended as a one-night stand. I never expected to fall in love with you."
"You never loved me." He snaps his head back. "If you did, this conversation wouldn't be necessary." He can't deny the truth. "You never loved her either."
"Don't tell me who I do and don't love. You have no idea how I feel. You haven't lived my life."
"And you haven't stepped a foot into mine as a single parent." Game, set, match.
I may be mistaken, but his eyes redden and I think he may begin to cry. He's right. I don't live his life. I also realized after we broke up, I didn't know a thing about him. First and last name. Works in construction. Lives at 316 Fifth Avenue. Thirty years old. End informational report. I knew nothing of his family at the time. Through Facebook stalking I found out his grandfather raised him and recently passed away. Not once did he ever talk about his parents. His sister is estranged. He's basically a stranger.
Daniel scratches his beard. "I'm thinking about us a lot lately."
"What us? We don't exist."
He crosses his leg, changes his mind, and puts it back down and leans forward into me. His invasion of my personal space forces me to lean back. "What if we gave our relationship another chance? A r
eal, honest chance."
This guy is seriously looking me straight in the eyes like he means what he says. And he's still wearing his wedding ring. I doubt he even knows the meaning of the word honest. As much as I want to, I hold in the laugh desperately trying to escape my body. "You're kidding, right?"
He holds my eyes hostage, seeking approval and claiming desperation. Those eyes once brought a smile to my face. Those hands once touched me gently, making me feel loved, even though every moment turned out to be a lie. Those arms once embraced me, holding me close and bringing me comfort. "No."
The day I thought about for years is here. It arrives on an April evening, the snow melting and exchanging flakes for rain, at a time I finally found peace with myself and think I'm able to move on. "Daniel, are you even hearing yourself? You're still married to Lauren."
"I'll divorce her. We're headed there anyway."
"What about your two babies?"
"I'll still see them. I have a son with you, too."
"The thing is, Daniel, you don't. Not really." There. I said it. "The day you denied James, you lost any claim to be his father. You aren't his father, never have been his father, and, I'm sorry, but you never will be."
He stands and begins to circle the couch. "Chelsea, I want to be a part of his life now."
"You don't get to choose that now. You don't get to change your mind. When I got pregnant, you made your choice. No turning back."
"Says who?"
"Me. I'm his mom. I'm with him every single day and I have been there every single day. You can't even remember his name! And bringing you into his life now will just confuse him." Not to mention me as well.
"He's two years old. He doesn't understand I'm not around."
"How can you be sure of that? Right now, my dad is the closest he has to a dad."
"I'm James' father. I have every right to be part of his life."
He does. I can't deny that. But he hurt me. Badly. And I don't want Daniel to be around for a few months, and then turn around and leave again. "The thing is, Daniel, I don't think you do." I can't tell him I want him to meet James. No. I won't do that to my little boy. "You and I will never happen again. Not the way you used me. And James, well, forget he ever was your son, because he's not. He's mine, and mine alone."
"I'll fight for him. I'll take you to court."
The words my parents fear. I can't let him bully me, though. He won't do it. If he does sue for custody, he'll have documentation of fathering this child, and then it will be something he's forced to deal with the rest of his life. The court will require child support. He'll need to visit James on a regular basis. He'll be committed. I know more than anyone he can't handle that.
I stand up and meet him at the side of the couch. "No, you won't," I say confidently, turn, and this time I walk out of his life.
chapter eleven
I toss my keys on the table as I sigh a breath of relief, glad to be over with that conversation, and hoping never to be contacted by Daniel again. It's clear he's still the same type of guy, even willing to feed me the same lies. In the slim chance I did want to get back with him, he offered himself to me while still married to Lauren. They're only separated. A divorce isn't imminent. To be honest, I'm not even positive I believe they're separated. He lied to me our entire time together, and he still wears his wedding ring. Who's to say he isn't lying now?
"Chelsea, are you back?" My dad calls from the other room. He comes downstairs sometimes to keep my mom company if she's watching James at my place.
My body tenses up because I know I should tell my parents I met with Daniel. I don't think they can find out on their own, but I don't want to take the chance. I would hate myself if somehow they came across our texts, or it slipped out and I take them by surprise. They're letting James and I live in the downstairs of their duplex rent free, the least I can do is tell them what happened. "Yeah, Dad." I meet both parents in the living room. "I need talk to you."
"Sure, sweetheart, what's going on?" My dad sits on the chair reading the newspaper. Both my parents joined the cell phone era, and even own smartphones, but the one thing my dad refuses to give up is his newspaper. He folds it back up, each crease perfect, and sets it on the coffee table, then plops his feet on the table as well, crossing his arms.
"I got together with Daniel today." I blurt out before I chicken out and lose my nerve.
The vein by his forehead starts to bulge as he yells, "Rose! Are you hearing this?"
My mom puts her hand over her mouth. "No, you didn't, did you?"
"Dad, quiet down," I shush him. "James is sleeping."
I'm not even to the bad part and my dad is piping mad. This won't go well. "He's James' dad. He asked me to come. I thought I owed him at least a visit."
"You don't owe that jackass a thing," my dad says sternly. "What on earth made you think you do? What possessed you to do something so stupid?"
I stomp over to the coffee table and stand in front of my dad with purpose, courageous blood coursing through my veins. "I'm an adult. I make my own decisions. I was curious what he wanted, so sue me. He helped create a child as beautiful as James. I needed to go."
"What did he want?" My mom steps in, trying to take a different route to understand my actions.
I find my footing and take a seat on the recliner. "First, he apologized."
My dad shakes his head.
"I didn't accept it. No way." As soon as I tell them the entire story, they'll be proud of me. I don't stand up for myself too often, but since I became a mom, if James is in the mix, I speak up.
"That's my girl," he says. "He didn't want anything else, I hope."
I take a deep breath. "Not quite." Here's what my parents feared. I don't think it will actually happen, but I hate having to tell them. "He wants to be involved."
"I knew it!" My dad hops up and slams his fist on the table so hard it makes my hand hurt. "I told you not to give him the time of day, Chelsea. I can't believe you didn't use your head."
I listen to my dad yell at me for seeing the father of my child, and I hate he thinks I did something dumb. I only wanted to listen and decide if I want him in James' life, if it came down to that. "Dad, please."
"Please, what? You made a really asinine move. You're moving along in life just fine without him."
"And I will continue to do so."
"Will you?" My dad starts to pace the room. "What does that even mean?"
"What does that mean, Dad? It means I'll go on with my life. I'll go to work, I'll take care of James. Nothing changes."
My dad stands. "Nothing changes? How can you possibly think that? Everything changes! Daniel is going to fight for custody. Your happy life living here with us and James' life is about to be flipped upside down. You aren't going to know what hit you. Pretty soon James will be gone on weekends because he'll be spending time with Daniel. Court-appointed time. Now James is going to be dragged through the system because of what? Because you were curious?"
"Honey, stop." My mom puts her hand in the air. My lip quivers and a tear falls from each eye. I didn't think about how it all will affect James other than him having a father. I only tried to focus on the positive side. "I don't think yelling at Chelsea is the answer. Getting upset and calling her names won't resolve anything."
Thank God my mom is a voice of reason. I understand my father is mad, but at this point there is nothing I can do to make things better. I can't turn back time and ignore Daniel's message. Part of me is glad I went because, yes, I was curious. "Dad, don't you think if I had ignored him he would've tried to pursue custody anyway? If this is something he truly wants, ignoring him won't change a thing. But, quite honestly, I don't think he is going to do anything."
My dad begins nodding, which makes me happy because then I figure he somewhat agrees with me and I make a little bit of sense. "Okay, yes, you're right. At least now that you heard him out, we can prepare ourselves for what is going to happen."
"Like I said,
I don't think there's anything to worry about. I think Daniel's proven time and time again what a coward he is. He claims he's going to divorce Lauren, which also means he'll be dealing with her and their twins. Considering he's been around for them their entire lives, I think he'll try and battle things out with her before even attempting to with me."
My dad walks over to the entryway and leans against the wall. "I don't think we can be too careful. I think I should call our lawyer just in case."
"Do you think that's necessary?" My mother hates confrontation and lawyering up means nothing more to her than confirmation shit's about to go down. "It seems a bit extreme."
"I agree with Mom. I think we're jumping the gun a little if we hire somebody."
"Look," my dad says, "I'm not saying we're going to beat him to the punch and sue him or anything. I only think it's best we contact our lawyer for advice and keep him in our back pocket in case things start to escalate and you're served with papers."
This is all happening so fast. I only planned to talk with Daniel. How dumb of me not to realize this is what he wanted! Then he thought he could swoop in and make things better after he used me. He didn't need to get nasty with me for refusing. I may be walking into a trap, but he'll catch up with me anyway if having time with James is what he's after.
"Maybe what we need to do then is let him and James meet."
My dad's eyes almost pop out of his head when I mention it. "Excuse me? You didn't really suggest that."
"Yes, I did, and I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. I may be able to come to some sort of a compromise with him that doesn't involve a lawyer. Wouldn't you much rather do that?"
My dad wipes at his eyes, exhausted from the conversation. "I can't discuss this anymore. I need to get to bed. That is, if I can even sleep. We'll talk about this another time. I hope before Daniel contacts his own lawyer."
I don't want to spend the next week or month or however long it takes with my dad on my case about this. "I'm tired, too. Contact the lawyer and fill him in on the situation. If his professional opinion is we should hire him, fine. Right now, let's all go on with our lives."
Jay Walking (Pastime Pursuits #2) Page 6