"I'm going to find Daniel," I say as I push myself off the chair. This is happening. Now. We need space. I need space, like the distance between the Earth and Neptune, at a minimum. It's time I stop fooling myself into believing a relationship between us exists.
When I stand and survey the room, I can't find him anywhere. I disappeared for no more than twenty minutes, and he doesn't know anyone at the party. My stomach sinks at the thought of him leaving me alone. I'll need to ask Amber for a ride and take her away from her time with Ryan. Perhaps we should drive back to my place and have our conversation there.
I maneuver through Ryan's house. I'll need to stop on the way out to say hello and goodbye, as well as thank him for the invite. I finish off searching the room, with no Daniel in sight. I go to the kitchen and notice a patio door and outside lights hung by strings and a few groups of people occupying the area. Including Daniel.
I approach the door but don't go out. Instead, I stand in the kitchen, everything around me disappearing as I focus on Daniel, talking with a girl I've never seen before, touching her arm like Gina touched Ryan's, brushing her hair off her shoulder, whispering in her ear, exploding her into giggles. My mouth falls open, and all the "I told you so's" are going off in my head. He's not faithful. This isn't a surprise. But right in front of me? While he's out with me? I'm frozen as he turns his head and meets my eyes. He hands his drink to the other woman and races into the kitchen, where I remain, standing still.
"Chelsea, it's not what you think." He grabs my shoulders and shakes me.
"I'm pretty sure it is, Daniel," I say as I shove his arms off of me. "We're over." Forget a break. I'm done. DONE.
"Just like that?"
"Like what? I'm sure you've been cheating on me this whole time, but I didn't want to believe it. Lauren warned me about this, and I thought if I refused to see it, then it wouldn't be true. I don't want to hear it, Daniel. It's not working anyway."
"How can you say that? I think it's been great."
"For you, maybe. Nothing's changed. I'm still a single mom. I just happen to get laid every once in awhile, and that's nothing to get excited about, either. We're not right for each other. We never were. It's time I stop pretending we can be this perfect little family. I'm not happy." Damn, it feels amazing saying that out loud. "This isn't what I want. I don't want to be with you." Even if the man I want broke up with me, I don't deserve to settle for a man who can't be faithful and treats me like dirt. I'm better than this.
I turn to walk away and he takes a hold of arm. "This isn't over."
I try to pull away, but his grip is tight. "Let go of me!"
"If you end this, Chelsea, I'll come after you. The lawsuit is back on, and I'll get full custody of James." He's still grasping my arm, pulling me closer to his body.
"Hey! Hands off her!" Ryan's voice booms behind me.
Daniel lifts his hands in the air in surrender. "My lawyer will be in touch."
"Good luck with that!" I yell as I back away. "There's no way you'll ever see James."
I hold my breath, waiting for Daniel to charge at Ryan, and possibly me, but it never happens. Daniel scans the room and grins at the audience he's drawn in, proud of his show. He turns and walks away, something I should have done long ago.
Ryan sets his hand on my shoulder as Daniel leaves the party. "Are you okay?"
In twenty-four hours I'll be fighting for my son. The hell I put my parents through will return with fiercer flames and more aggression. I'm a good mom, and I won't lose James. And I also know I'm worth so much more than that prick. I won't let him destroy me. "Actually, yes, I'm spectacular. Thanks, Ryan. Now, I need a drink."
chapter thirty-one
The next morning I wake with a slight headache and, thankfully, nothing more than that. I'm glad today is a day off. I managed to stop myself from drinking too much the night before since I needed to drive home. My headache is more from the tears I cried before I fell asleep. Wasted tears. I didn't love Daniel anyway. Who am I kidding? My heart belongs to Jay, which he crushed into pieces when he walked away from me. I'm accepting the truth. My life is being a mom. A single mom. I won't go on a date ever again. Ever. Me and James. James and me. Just us. It's been that way for so long. I can do that for the rest of my life.
I suck in the tears as I toss the covers off. I need to splash cold water on my face and brush my teeth. My arms raise above my head as I let out a stretch. I should walk today. Maybe break into a run. This anger coursing through my veins for Daniel, I can't keep it inside. And I have to tell my parents, and I'm already dreading the conversation, and scared out of my mind. A good run outside will help ease my nerves.
The bathroom door is closed. Someone is in there. Then I remember Amber stayed with me last night. She and Ryan got pretty wasted and I didn't want her spending the night with him and doing something she would later regret. I gnaw on my nails as I wait for her to exit.
"Chelsea! You're awake!" She squeals with a tad too much perkiness after a night out of drinking.
"Yeah, I totally forgot you stayed over. Sorry. I'm a little out of it."
"Don't worry. I got up an hour ago." She passes by me and jumps onto the bed, pulling the sheets back over her. "I've been texting with Ryan since about eight. We're going out for breakfast."
"That's great. I'm glad things worked out last night!"
She hugs her phone to her chest. "So well, too. We kissed - a lot - and he wanted me to stay, but you talked me out of it."
I'm not shocked my advice didn't go over well. When we left the party she was a little upset. I figured I would hear about it today.
"No, I'm happy you did! I want to take things a little slow."
I try to hide the smile on my face. "Slow? You two have had like a year of foreplay."
I duck as she throws a pillow at me. "Stop it! You made me leave!"
"I didn't make you do anything. I'm pretty sure you came willingly."
She knows I'm right, and I'm relieved she's taking her time, though she can speed things up a little bit. Why shouldn't she be happy? If Ryan does that for her, she shouldn't sit on the sidelines.
"Sorry about Daniel."
She cocks her head at me like Jay did when we ran into each other at the grocery store. Is this what my life is coming to? The "I'm-sorry-and-pity-you" nod? "Me and James are better off without him." I contemplate my words for a moment. "I think I always knew. I just wanted to be a family so badly."
"I know, Chelsea, but that's not a reason to stay together. James will pick up on it if you two aren't happy."
"I realize that now." I shrug. "Well, we'll see how things end up."
"It'll be fine." Amber grabs her purse and takes out some lip gloss. "I'm going to get out of here." She spreads the gloss on and licks her lips. "I called Ryan to come get me. Are you going to be okay?"
Will I be okay? The truth is, I don't have a clue. I hope so, but I can't read the future. The way the next few weeks or months go with Daniel will give me an indication. I'm hopeful things will work out, and James will stay in my life full-time. I'll focus on that and the upcoming 5K. I'll even try to talk to Jay when I'm ready. One day at a time. I can do it. "Yeah. I'll be fine. I think I'll go for a run."
"A run? Really?"
"Is that so hard to believe?" I've been running for awhile now. This shouldn't be a surprise.
"Kind of." She laughs. "I'm still not used to athletic Chelsea, that's all. It'll take some time."
I suppose I went from a homebody who would rather sit and watch television to someone who prefers physical activity. A total one-eighty. I like this new me, though. A lot.
"Enjoy your run, Chels. I'm going to hang out with Ryan!"
I'm excited for my friend and hope she doesn't make the same mistakes I have.
•••
God, it's humid. I start with a brisk walk and by the time I complete the first block, I'm struggling to breathe. I want to do this, though. I need to do this. I spent the past
couple of months speed walking like a seventy-year-old woman in the mall, and I finally graduated from a jog to a run. I'm getting better! The 5K is a month away, and I plan on crushing it.
I turn the corner and stretch my legs out as I begin my stride. Realizing it's a little too large, I pull back a bit, making sure I'm only jogging and not forcing myself into a sprint. I choke on the air as I slow, sending my brain notes of encouragement, trying to ignore the people I'm sure are looking at me and laughing as I barely move along the pavement. I attempt to swallow as I move, but the air is too much to take. I have to pick an end point, a goal. If I can go three blocks, I can walk for three. Then jog for three. This should be easy. I've done it before, but this humidity is weighing me down, not to mention my previous night out with a few beers.
I finish the first block and cross over the street, cursing city blocks for being so long. Why is running so difficult? I suck in air and try to catch my breath, and with every step hitting the sidewalk, I tinkle a little bit. That's the bad thing about childbirth, after it's done. I can't even do jumping jacks without changing my pants. But, I'm managing. I'll add kegel exercises to my workout routine.
As I approach the end of block two, I'm doubting my capability to complete the next one. My calves are starting to cramp up, and I don't know where my breath escaped to because I'm certain I'm not breathing. I scurry through the crosswalk, staying between the lines (I don't want to get a ticket for jaywalking!). Once I hit the other side, I rest my palms on my knees and lower my head. One more block. The three block walk I can take slow, turn around, and walk those three blocks again before I jog again. A six-block break. Seems good.
I close my eyes as I lift my head back up. I begin to jog the same time I open my eyes and slam right into someone. I grab my shoulder as the pain shoots through it. "Son of a bitch!" I yell, letting my potty mouth go as I face the person I hit. "Jay!"
"Are you all right, Chelsea?" he asks as he reaches out to touch me.
For some reason, I flinch back, even though I want nothing more than his hands on my body. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"You really should pay more attention when you're walking."
"Thanks. I'll remember that. And for your information, I was running."
He crosses his arms and raises his eyebrow. "Oh? Running? I didn't realize you were out in the field now, off the treadmill. You're quite the pro."
His response is too familiar, too much in the relationship zone. Did he forget we broke up? Has he misplaced the fact he ran off on me, and he couldn't handle a "ready-made" family? Why is he acting like nothing even happened between us? Still, his comments are annoyingly cute. "I need to get ready for the run next month. I wouldn't mind shedding a few extra pounds, too." I think back to Daniel's hurtful remarks about my body, and a wave of self-consciousness pours over me.
He leans back and eyes me up and down. "I think you look great. But I always thought that."
I'm lucky my cheeks are already flushed from the heat because I'm sure they're bright red now. "I only ran into you a couple weeks ago, but are you thinking about your practice again? Any prospective partners?" Or girlfriends?
He keeps his arms crossed. "Nope. I can't yet. I'm basically starting from scratch."
"I'm sorry to hear that. So you're at the hospital for a while then, huh?"
"Seems that way. I'm fine with it. I like it there. Anything new with you?"
What's my obligation here? Do I tell him Daniel and I got back together for a short time, and now we broke up? Do I tell him I miss him terribly and every time I was with Daniel, I thought about him? Should I tell him how my heart aches every moment of every day without him? "Nothing really. Just the running, I guess."
"I should get going. I was out for a quick run, but I need to work today."
"Okay." I nod my head and keep nodding. I rub my shoulder, already sore from banging into Jay's muscular body. His very muscular body.
"Get some heat on that. You'll feel better in no time."
The only kind of heat I want on my body is from his. I'm committed to James, though. A relationship between Jay and I isn't in the cards. "Great."
He reaches out and touches my arm, and this time I don't pull away. "We should do something sometime, if that's all right with you."
Of course it's okay, but I don't want to seem too eager. The mention of us getting together doesn't mean he wants a full fledged relationship again. He probably wants to catch up, be friends. I'm all too familiar with the drill. It doesn't matter, though. We're not getting back together. "Sure. Call me sometime."
In an effort to not be too fazed by our meeting I give a quick wave and while I barely have the energy to do it, I manage to jog that last block in the slim chance he's watching me. I want him to witness me running and prove to him I can do it.
When I return home I need to speak with my parents about breaking up with Daniel and tell them to consult the lawyer again. If shit didn't hit the fan once before, it sure is going to now.
•••
"Where Dada?" James greets me when I return from my run, ripping out my heart. How do I explain to a two-year-old that the dad he just met is now gone again? Is it Daniel's fault for being a jerk or mine for not wanting to be cheated on constantly? He won't understand I don't love his father. He's too young.
"Chelsea?" My mom waits for an answer as she hands James to me.
"This may be a better discussion for when he's napping," I warn her.
"No, it's fine. He needs to eat. Get him in his high chair and that will keep him busy."
I pull out the tray and sit James down, putting the tray back in its place. My mom plops a handful of cheerios in front of him along with cut up strawberries.
"Talk."
Great. She doesn't want me to beat around the bush, and if I try, she'll call me out. She demands, and deserves, the truth from me. I sit down at the table next to James. My legs ache, I'm still trying to catch my breath, and sitting down is the only way I can blurt this out.
"Last night at the party, I caught Daniel flirting with some girl, so I ended it."
"Good." She gives James a sippy cup, no doubt filled with apple juice.
"Good?" I broke up with Daniel and all she can do is be happy about the situation? This is far from the reaction I expected.
"Yes. I'm glad to hear it. He wasn't right for you."
"But James -"
"James is fine, and he'll continue to be fine."
"He's going to fight for custody, you know." How can she be so calm about this? My mom could have told me I told you so, but she didn't. I'm relieved she chose not to throw the words in my face.
"I figure he will. And he'll share custody."
"What? No, he won't." What is she thinking? I don't want Daniel in my life.
"Yes, he will." She pulls a chair out and sits down. "Chelsea, we're fooling ourselves. Daniel wants to be involved, and now you've introduced him to James. Their relationship needs to continue."
"When we were together, he barely was a father."
"Believe me, I'm well aware of that. I hope he'll get better at being a dad, but he may not. There will be times he is supposed to pick up James and cancels, and your son will be disappointed, but he'll be okay. He has you, and me and your dad. People who love him and who will always be there for him."
"I don't want to see him."
"That really doesn't matter, does it? The minute you ... " She wiggles in her seat. "The minute you decided to be with Daniel, you accepted all consequences. You two created a wonderful son together and he shouldn't be punished because his parents aren't together. He can decide if he thinks the relationship is worth keeping."
I stare at my son, shoving Cheerios in his mouth and blowing bubbles at me. Who wouldn't love this boy and want to be a part of his life? Daniel missed out on more than two years with him. Was being in his life for a mere couple of months enough to gain his attention and forever love? I don't want James to grow up and resent me for not lett
ing his father in his life. On the same token, he may resent me if Daniel isn't a great father. Who am I to say, though, that Daniel doesn't want him? I'm merely making an assumption.
"Okay, Mom, you're right."
"Of course I am." She smiles at me.
"I'll get in touch with Mr. Ellis and find out what sort of an arrangement I can present to Daniel." If we can do this without getting into a big court thing, I would much prefer it that way.
"I think that's a great idea."
I'm not so sure.
chapter thirty-two
Race day arrives and I'm nervous but ready to go. Amber went with me yesterday to pick up my race packet. The whole thing is surreal. I'm in lightweight shorts, a short sleeve shirt, and the number 5261 is pinned to my chest and back. Groups of professional and amateur runners surround me, all anxious, some stretching and others chatting with their friends. I'm on my own, and I've been that way for so long, I'm used to it.
James slept at my parent's house the night prior allowing me a good night sleep before the event, though that didn't even come close to happening. I tossed and turned the entire night playing the race in my mind. I imagined starting off at full sprint and needing to walk most of the way, and at other times running at a steady pace and ripping through the finish line first. Balloons drop and fireworks go off, spectators who don't even know me holding signs with my name. At the other extreme, I crawl on my hands and knees to make it to the end, and when I do, Jay stands there. Then I do the worst possible thing I can. I throw up.
Overall, I probably managed around four hours of solid sleep. Let's be honest here, though, as a mom, that actually is pretty good and close to normal. On a good day, I end up with about six and a half hours of intermittent sleep. I didn't anticipate the adrenaline, though my body is pumped and I can't wait for this to start. The morning began with a bagel and peanut butter and my usual cup of coffee. After this is over, a victory lunch will be waiting for me on the other side.
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