by Linda Ford
“But why did you pick him in the first place? Anyone could see you were only a convenient person for him to spend time with. His ambitions far outweighed any consideration he had for you. That’s the very reason you accepted his courting, though it could hardly be called that.”
Lilly stared at her sister. “Why would I do that?” Sometimes Rose pretended to understand a great deal more than was possible.
“To reinforce your belief that no one will ever stay with you. I guess you think it proves you aren’t worth it.”
“Huh. That’s stupid.” But the words edged into her heart and scraped away a protective scab. Her birth father had left her—not only her, of course—but the others didn’t seem to feel the pain of that abandonment as deeply as she did. Or if they did, they didn’t let anyone know.
“It is, isn’t it?” Rose sat up and picked up her own Bible. “Maybe you should stop expecting to be left.”
Ma had given them each a Bible and had written a verse for each on the flyleaf. Lilly turned there and read the verse even though she knew it by heart. Hebrews 13:5. “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Then Ma had written her own words. Lilly, I can’t promise that Pa or I will always be with you, but I can assure you that God will never fail to keep His promise to be with you. My prayer is for you to surround yourself with others who will stand by you when we are gone.
The words had stung Lilly when she’d first read them a few years ago. It had felt as if Ma was saying goodbye, as if she couldn’t wait for that final farewell. Now she saw it only as Ma dealing with the inevitable, though the idea still pained Lilly.
She answered her sister. “I have you and Cora.”
“Yes, you do, and we will always be here for each other so long as God grants us life. But don’t you long for love like that which Cora has found with Wyatt?”
Lilly cocked her head toward the door—all that separated her from Caleb. Only there was so much more than a door between them. There was his warning that he wasn’t offering more than the here and now. There was her fear of being left. No doubt Rose’s statements contained much truth.
Lilly mused aloud. “I don’t remember our birth parents, but I do remember standing beside Cora in the middle of the prairie and seeing nothing but grass and sky.”
“I remember, too. Cora tried her best to comfort us.”
“Do you remember when Ma found us?”
“Vaguely. I remember getting fed and feeling safe.”
“For years I was so scared of being left that it must have driven Ma and Pa half mad.”
Rose laughed softly. “Remember the little rag doll you clung to for so long? I wonder what happened to it.”
Lilly snorted. “As if you don’t know it’s in my drawer. All tattered and torn.”
“It was well loved.”
“I guess I thought as long as I was holding it I was also holding on to Ma, because she’d made it. It doesn’t make much sense now, but it did then.”
“Do you think Caleb would stay if Teddy’s leg worked?”
Lilly had been avoiding that question ever since she’d mentioned to Caleb that Teddy’s leg was getting better and he’d ended the evening in response. He obviously did not welcome a reason to stay.
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, I’m sorry even though he is a Caldwell cowboy. I don’t like to see you hurt.”
“Who says I will be? Don’t you think I’ve learned to be cautious?” She clapped her hand over her mouth as she realized her words had confirmed Rose’s theory.
Rose chuckled. “Oh, indeed. But I think Caleb has managed to break through your defenses.”
Lilly turned the pages of her Bible to signal the conversation was over. She was loath to admit it, but Rose was right. Despite Lilly’s good intentions not to let herself be hurt again, something about Caleb had disarmed her and left her vulnerable.
It might be too late to prevent any damage, but she would take steps immediately to contain it to one memorable kiss, one day of wishing and dreaming.
If only she knew how to accomplish such a task.
The next morning she had her resolve firmly in place as she hurried out of her room. She called a quick “Good morning” to everyone in general. Using every ounce of self-control she could muster, she kept her gaze slightly to Caleb’s right to avoid direct eye contact.
Normally she waited until after breakfast and after Caleb had ridden away to do the milking, but today, without a backward look, she hurried out to the barn, grateful for the chance to be alone.
Breakfast was ready when she returned with the milk. Caleb followed her to the storeroom to help strain the milk. It was a task she could have managed on her own, but she couldn’t refuse his help without being rude.
“You left in a hurry this morning.” He sounded both curious and cautious and his smile barely lifted his lips.
She turned to watch the milk run through the cloth. “I wanted to get an early start on the chores. There’s a lot yet to do to get ready for winter.”
“I see.” He waited as if he was hoping she’d say more.
She didn’t. How could she explain when caution warred with sweet thoughts of last evening’s kiss?
“Have I offended you?” He kept his voice low so those in the other room wouldn’t hear.
She jerked her eyes to his. “Offended me? How?”
His lips twisted into a crooked grin. “By kissing you. By saying I couldn’t promise you anything.” He jammed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “Or maybe in other ways I haven’t considered.”
She chuckled. “None of the above.” She grew serious. “But it seems to me neither of us is ready to think beyond today.” At least in their relationship with each other.
He quirked an eyebrow in acknowledgment. “I don’t blame you for wanting more.”
In the way he left the sentence hanging, she understood he was wondering if she would say that was enough. But was it? Could she take temporary and not be hurt by it?
She was fully aware of the inescapable fact that she would pay a pretty penny in sorrow when he and Teddy left.
But why not enjoy what the present offered? Might just as well mourn a lot as a little.
“I don’t know what I want.” She headed for the door, ending the conversation.
If only she could as easily walk away from her thoughts.
* * *
Caleb reasoned with himself throughout the day as he did repairs on the oat bin at the Caldwell ranch.
He wasn’t sorry he’d been honest with Lilly, telling her he could offer her nothing but the time he would be there. He could give no promises for the future. He clung to that fact as if it were a metal shield.
No expectations meant no failures.
He jerked back from nailing a board in place and stared out at the rolling hills. Did he avoid thinking of the future to make sure he couldn’t fail?
Nah. He returned to his task. It was a practical decision.
He worked hard throughout the day, barely pausing to down water several times and grab a handful of sandwiches for dinner. He finished early and headed for the Bell farm.
Work hard, enjoy the evening with Teddy and the Bell family. A man could get used to that routine.
He snorted, realizing his thought was seriously at odds with his decision to avoid thinking about a future.
He shifted his attention to his surroundings. Ebner and the Caldwell cowboys had moved some of the cows down from the higher pastures. A dozen head grazed in a hollow to his right, another twenty or so on a grassy knoll to his left. The grass would prove adequate for several weeks unless it snowed a great deal.
The sky was clear and bright. He breathed in air heavy with the scent of fragrant grasses and ripe fall leaves. It was
pretty and productive country. A man could look a long time to find a place that equaled it.
All his life he had imagined himself with a ranch of his own, a cozy home of his own and a family with which to fill it.
He sighed. He’d already tried that route. It was time to move on to something else.
But the feeling refused to be quenched.
The face that completed those dreams was not Amanda’s, but rather it was Lilly’s. Her lovely face smiled at him from inside his make-believe house.
“Hello.”
A call behind him jerked him around in his saddle. What was Ebner doing out here? He’d said he would ride to the higher pastures and check on the cows.
Caleb reined in and waited for the foreman to reach him, though he could think of no one in the world he’d less like to see.
Ebner reached Caleb’s side. “Howdy. Where you off to?”
“I’m done my work for the day.” He wouldn’t let Ebner know his destination.
“So if you’re done, where you going now?”
“I thought you headed up into the hills. Did you run into trouble?” Was it possible to divert the man?
“Nah. But the boss and his wife should be returning this week. I figure if I can persuade the Bells to move on before he gets back he might be grateful enough to give me a nice fat reward.”
The Bells! What did this man have in mind? “What kind of reward do you fancy?” He edged his horse around. He’d go back to the ranch before he’d let Ebner know his destination.
“I got my eye on a nice piece of land north of here. High in the mountains where a man can do what he wants and no one will say otherwise. Now, if I had me a few head of cows I might just say goodbye to this job and go claim that bit of land.”
“Sounds like a fine plan.”
Ebner cut off Caleb’s retreat. “Why don’t you ride along with me for a spell?”
Caleb considered his options. He could refuse and return to the ranch, but that would leave Ebner to go on his way to the Bells, and who knows what he might decide to do there. Besides, if he refused his boss, it might well get him fired.
Or he could ride along with Ebner and talk that man out of any mischief.
“Sure. Got nothing else to do at the moment.” He hung back, letting Ebner lead the way.
They reached the crest of a hill that gave them a good view of the Bell farm. Fortunately, it was not so close as to draw the attention of those living there.
He made out the twins in the garden digging something. He couldn’t see what from that distance, only that they were loading something into the wheelbarrow. Mrs. Bell was taking laundry off the line. Where was Mr. Bell? Caleb swung his gaze wider. There he was, fixing the fence on the chicken yard. He couldn’t see Teddy and prayed he would stay out of sight until Ebner left.
“Those gals are sure pretty things. Too bad they’re as pigheaded as the old man. You’d think they’d be willing to befriend the one person who decides what happens to them.”
Caleb understood the man meant himself, not Mr. Caldwell. He stifled a shudder. To even think of Ebner with Lilly made him feel dirty all over.
Grub loped across the yard, tumbling over himself.
“That’s the dumbest dog I ever seen.” Ebner chuckled. “Not that I’m complainin’.”
“Uh-huh.” Caleb didn’t mean to give the man a reason to think he agreed with him. Nor did he want to arouse suspicion because he said nothing.
“I keep asking myself what it would take to persuade this bunch to leave. It ain’t like they’ve been made welcome.”
Blossom limped after Grub.
Caleb groaned in the depths of his heart. Would Ebner recognize the pup? Worse, would Teddy be chasing after the two dogs?
Ebner leaned forward over his saddle. “Say, ain’t that the half-dead mutt you rescued? So you brought the thing here for the Bells to fix up, did ya?”
Before Caleb could answer, Teddy swung past the house and into plain view. If not for the crutches, Ebner might have thought it was any little boy visiting the Bells.
Ebner sat back. “Well, I’ll be.” He shifted to face Caleb, his face gouged with harsh lines. “Didn’t I tell you to stay away from this bunch?”
Caleb kept his thoughts to himself. What he did on his own time was nobody’s business but his.
Ebner’s lips curled into a mocking grin. “Guess I can’t blame you. I’d like to spend an evening or two with one of those pretty young things, too.” The evil in the man’s eyes made Caleb’s fists into knots. But he faced the man without revealing what he was feeling.
Ebner turned toward the farm again, chuckling softly...a sound that grated across Caleb’s nerves.
“You’ve been leaving your son here during the day and coming here every evening. Now ain’t that nice. I could fire you for consorting with the enemy.”
Caleb said nothing.
Ebner studied the farm long enough for tension to squeeze the back of Caleb’s neck. He hadn’t known Ebner long, but long enough to be aware that when the foreman spent more than a few minutes in thought someone wasn’t going to like the words that came out of his mouth. Caleb knew he wouldn’t like what the man had to say.
“I could fire you,” Ebner repeated. “Or I could use this to my advantage.”
Caleb clenched his teeth. He did not like the sound of that.
“Yup. Having you here every day might be a good thing.” He faced Caleb with narrowed eyes. “You can tell me what they’re up to. Let me know when they’re where I can do them the most damage.” He stared down at the farm again. “I tried drowning those smelly little woolies, but those people came home in time to rescue them. But if they happen to go visiting and we know ahead of time...” He didn’t finish his sentence. Instead he turned his horse and pressed right up to Caleb’s side. “Do we understand each other?”
Caleb met him look for look, not blinking, not giving in to Ebner for even a heartbeat.
Ebner snorted. “I think you get my meaning. Just remember your job is at stake here.” He spurred his horse and galloped away.
Caleb slowly brought his gaze back to the farm.
Rose was standing there, pointing in his direction. Lilly was turned toward him, her hand tented over her eyes.
How much had they seen? There was only one way to find out.
He rode to the farm, and Teddy hurried toward him. Caleb lifted him up to sit behind him on the horse. He hooked the crutches on the saddle horn and continued toward the garden, where he lowered Teddy to the ground.
“Son, go wait in the house.” He dropped to his feet.
Teddy looked at him and then at the twins. Their calm expressions stilled any protest and Teddy hobbled away.
“Howdy,” Caleb said. From the scowl on Rose’s face and the uncertainty on Lilly’s, he knew they’d seen him with Ebner, but he’d let one of them reveal how much they had seen and what they now thought.
“Never had any use for a Caldwell cowboy,” Rose said.
“’Spect you’ve got good reason,” he replied. Ebner had made it clear he’d done everything he could to drive them out.
Lilly looked past him to where he and Ebner had been. “What does Ebner want?”
Rose snorted. “As if we don’t know. He wants us out of here and will stop at nothing to accomplish that.” She drilled Caleb with her look. “But you! After we’ve offered you hospitality and Lilly has helped your son.”
Lilly’s eyes met his, confused, silently asking for an explanation. Her uncertainty tore at his soul. If only he could promise to always protect her from men like Ebner... He’d give the only promise he could. “I work for the Caldwells, but that doesn’t mean they have the right to tell me what I do in my own time. Ebner is the foreman. He doesn’t own me.” He drew himself
tall. “I am not part of this feud, nor do I want to be.”
“Words. Let’s see if actions follow.” Rose stomped away.
Lilly ducked her head.
“Lilly,” he said, “I would never do anything to hurt you or your family.”
He wanted to see her face, gauge what she was thinking. He caught her chin and lifted it. “Lilly, you believe me, don’t you?”
For a moment more she kept her eyes lowered. The breeze caught her hair and blew strands across her face from her loose braid. She caught the wayward lengths and tucked them behind her ear. His fingers curled. What would it be like to see her hair unbraided and tumbling down her back?
He scrubbed his lips together and sighed. When he realized she was watching him, he brought his thoughts and attention back to her.
“I don’t trust Ebner.”
He waited, his hands at his side, as she searched for what she meant to say.
“I’m sure he wants you to be part of the Caldwell campaign against us. But I don’t believe you will do anything to harm us while Teddy is here.”
He rubbed his hands against his legs. “You think it’s only for Teddy’s sake?” He studied her a moment, relieved to see her shift her gaze away from him, revealing she wasn’t being entirely honest with him or herself. “Do you really think I’d want harm to come to you or your family?”
Her eyes jerked back to his, full of what he could only think was longing. It hit him square in the chest and knocked his breath out.
What did she want from him?
He wanted to promise her the sun, the moon and her very own star. He forced his lungs to work and his thoughts to remain in the realm of reality. He couldn’t promise her anything except for what he already had—the present.
She seemed aware of what he was thinking and gave a tight smile. “You couldn’t stop Ebner even if you wanted to. Even if you were here to do it.” She stepped aside and turned to the full wheelbarrow.
Turnips. They’d been digging turnips.
“But seeing as you’ll soon be gone...” Her voice contained a shrug.
He opened his mouth to protest but closed it without saying a word. He wished he could promise he’d stay and help her, take care of her, protect her from men like Ebner. He wished not only that he could promise it, but that he could have faith he would follow through on it.