“Shit.” I breathed out the word, closed my eyes and slumped in the chair, dropping my head against my folded arms.
“Problem?” The one word held a combination of weariness and caution that made me want to cry. He didn’t trust me, and I couldn’t blame him.
“I’m sorry I’m here.” My voice was muffled in my elbow. “I didn’t want to come. But Giff insisted. And then Julia ...anyway. I’ll go. I don’t belong here anyway.”
Liam threw back the whiskey. “Don’t leave on my account. I can go to the front, and you can stay here. Or hang out on the deck. I wouldn’t want to stop you from—what was it you were saying to Giff? You’re here to have a wild time?”
I flushed as I sat up. “I was joking. Giff was pushing me to meet the policeman—Jeff’s neighbor—oh, why the hell am I bothering?” I stood, pushing against the table, and I tossed back the last of my screwdriver. The vodka hit my stomach and zipped through my blood, giving me the courage to finally look at Liam.
It was a mistake. Seeing him, meeting his eyes, was more intoxicating than the liquor. His hair was a little longer than I was used to, falling in tousled waves over his ears and forehead. His bright blue eyes, usually so intense and serious, were tired. I twined my fingers together to keep from reaching toward him to brush over his face.
The fact that he was gazing right back at me didn’t make it any easier. Not with longing or hunger, as he had once, but with a guarded sort of interest. Remembering our last conversation, I couldn’t blame him. I reminded myself that I had had a reason for what I’d done. At the time, it had felt like the only way to get my life back, to have control again. Looking back through the lens of two lonely months, during which I had had an endless supply of empty hours to think about it, I wasn’t so sure.
“Did you really come here tonight to hook up with someone?” Liam poured another drink.
Had I? That didn’t sound like me, but then again, everything was feeling a little less than clear right now.
“I just didn’t want to be alone.” The truth poured out without me intending. “For once, I wanted to be with people and not think.” I picked up the orange juice Giff had left on the table and splashed a little into my empty cup and then surveyed the other bottles, trying to find the vodka. Unscrewing the bottle took a little more coordination than I had at the moment, but I finally got it open and added it to the OJ until the liquid skimmed the top of the cup.
“Whoa. Maybe you should slow down a little on that.” Liam’s hand closed over the bottle, not quite touching mine.
“Maybe you should mind your own damn business and leave me alone.” I raised the drink to my mouth and took a long sip, never dropping my eyes from Liam’s, daring him to say anything else.
“I thought you didn’t want to be alone. Isn’t that why you’re here?”
I shook back my hair out of my face. “I don’t remember.” This drink didn’t taste as good as the one Giff had made me, but when it came to making me feel braver, more daring, it did the trick. I tilted the cup back, using my tongue to hold the ice from hitting me.
“Not remembering is a sign that you’ve probably had enough to drink. Come on, let’s go outside and see if the food’s ready. I bet you don’t have anything in your stomach but vodka.”
“You’d be wrong.” I stabbed a finger at him, which was no easy feat since I swaying on my feet. “There’s orange juice, too.”
“Sorry, my mistake.” Liam came around the table toward me, and my heart sped up. I knew I should duck away, but I didn’t want to do it. I had a sudden vision of him running his finger under the edge of my dress as we lay in my bed, and the memory made my face burn. The rest of me wasn’t far behind.
I thought he might pull me against his body, but he didn’t. Instead, he took hold of my upper arm and steered me toward the door that led to the deck. I didn’t have any choice but to stumble along.
The door slammed shut behind us, and Liam stopped in front of vacant lounge. He nudged at my knees until they bent and I fell back into the chair.
“Stay here.” He wheeled around, heading for the steps, and then turned back glare at me. “And no more to drink.”
“I couldn’t if I wanted to. You left my cup inside.” I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest. Of course, I could just get up and go get my drink if I really wanted it. But the kitchen door looked strangely far away. The idea of standing and walking seemed like too much work. I scooted back along the webbing of the lounge and dropped my head onto the built-in pillow. It felt good to be almost lying down, even if the damn deck was spinning.
“Liam’s pushy, huh?” I opened one eye to see a girl leaning against the deck railing.
I laughed, one short bark. “You have no idea.”
“Maybe I do. I’ve known him since high school. I was a year behind him and Giff.”
Now she had my interest. “Really? Has he always been this much of a dick?”
My new friend laughed, throwing back her head. She was tall, pretty in a careless way. Her dark hair had streaks of red in it and was piled on the top of her head in a messy bun. I was pretty sure she wasn’t wearing any makeup, and her jeans were worn. Still, she had that same look I’d noticed in other girls from Birch: even when they dressed down, there was an air of panache and style that came from having money. Her jeans might have had holes in the knee, but I was pretty sure they cost more than I paid for my entire wardrobe.
She was holding a clear plastic cup with some kind red liquid in it, and she shook the ice, rattling it before she answered me.
“Liam’s okay. I didn’t know he was dating anyone, though. How long have you guys been going out?”
“Me and Liam?” I shook my head. “No. We’re ...I just know him. A little.”
She cocked her head at me. “Didn’t look like that to me. The way he was looking at you—well, I should mind my own business.”
I didn’t want her to stop talking. I wanted to hear more about how Liam was looking at me, even if I didn’t believe it. I needed to stop thinking.
“What’s that you’re drinking?” I pointed at her cup.
“This? Oh, just jungle juice.”
“Is it good?”
She smirked. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. Here, I only had a sip. You can have it.”
I took the cup, careful not to let it spill. Red punch was a bitch to get out of clothes. My first impression was that this drink was much sweeter than the orange juice I’d been having. And then it hit me with a punch as the alcohol burned down my throat.
“Amanda, what the hell?”
I looked up to where Liam was standing behind my benefactor. He held two plates of food. Or maybe just one. It was hard to tell because focusing my eyes was becoming an issue.
Amanda grinned at him. “What? Your girlfriend wanted to try my drink. I was just sharing.”
“Jungle juice? Are you crazy?” He set one plate on the railing and reached for my cup. I held it away.
“Stop. What are you doing?” My voice sounded like I was a two year-old trying to hold onto her favorite toy.
“Trying to save you from a world of pain. Give me that.”
“No.” I took another big swallow, just to spite him.
“Ava, for God’s sake. Stop. You’re being stupid. Look, I brought you food.”
“I’m not hungry.” That wasn’t strictly true. The smell of the burgers made my mouth water.
“I don’t care. You need to eat something. Here, let me hold your cup and you take the plate.”
“You just want to take away my drink.”
“Why don’t I hold it for you while you eat?” Amanda came to my rescue. I knew I could trust her, so I handed my cup over. Liam sighed as he set the plate in my lap. A plastic fork and knife lay across the side, but for the life of me, I couldn’t quite figure out how to use them. I decided to stick to the burger that I could just pick up and bite.
Liam dragged a chair over to sit near me and dug into his own p
late. The silence as we ate while Amanda stood near us felt awkward, so I spoke up.
“Amanda says she went to high school with you and Giff.”
Liam glanced up. “Yeah. She did.”
I narrowed my eyes as I chewed. “So did you two ...” I used my free hand to point at them, one and then the other. “You know. Did you ever get together?”
Amanda’s hoot of laughter startled me, and Liam just shook his head.
“What? What’s so funny?” I looked at them in confusion.
“Nothing.” Liam rolled his eyes. “It’s just that I’ve known Amanda for a long time. We kind of grew up like brother and sister. Her mother is in politics, too.”
“Oh, tell her the truth.” Amanda was drinking my jungle juice, but I decided since it had been hers in the first place, I couldn’t object. “He tried to kiss me once, when we were freshmen in high school. We were in the pool at my house, and I laughed so hard at him, I almost drowned.”
“Did you like her?” I demanded, staring at Liam.
He rolled his eyes. “This might be the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever had.”
Amanda poked him in the ribs. “What’s wrong, Liam? You don’t want to explain our sordid past to your girlfriend?”
“I’m not his girlfriend.” My voice carried more than I expected, and several other people on the deck turned to look at us.
“No. She’s not my girlfriend.” Liam sounded tired again.
“Who isn’t whose girlfriend?” Giff appeared behind Amanda, wrapping one arm around her shoulders.
“This girl—I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name. She isn’t Liam’s girlfriend. Even though he tells her what she can and cannot drink, and brings her plates of food.”
A broad grin split Giff’s face. “I didn’t know that was even a question. Fascinating what you learn about your friends. And sorry, Amanda, Liam’s rude. This is Ava. She goes to Birch with us.”
“Don’t you go to Birch, too?” I had the feeling I’d missed something.
“No, I go to U of Penn. I’m just over here for the weekend to see Giff.”
“Huh.” I nodded. “Nice to meet you. Thanks for sharing your drink.”
“No problem. So if you’re not his girlfriend, what’s going on with the two of you?”
This Amanda chick was blunt. Giff was looking down at me over her shoulder, his eyes bright and curious.
“Yes, do tell. Inquiring minds want to know. What is going on with the two of you, and why the hell didn’t I know anything about it?”
I turned to face Amanda. “Liam dated my roommate for a year. That’s how I got to know him and Giff. That’s it.”
“Almost a year,” Liam corrected. “And ...” His eyes heated as they raked down me. “Yeah. That’s it.”
“It’s not. You’re both hiding something, but whatever. Live and let live, it’s what I always say.” Giff shot me a look that said this wasn’t over. Luckily I was too cocooned in a cloud of vodka and jungle juice to care.
“I’m going to find some food.” Amanda pushed off the railing and bumped her shoulder into Giff’s. “Let’s go get your stud muffin to make me a well-done burger, okay? Come on.”
I watched them go down the steps onto the grass, all of a sudden very aware of Liam sitting next to me. He had finished eating and was folding his paper plate in half.
My tongue darted out to moisten my bottom lip. The sun had set, and the deck was in shadows. Everyone but us had moved down to the yard, giving the illusion of privacy.
“Was your food good?” Liam’s voice was husky. I swore I could feel it everywhere, on the tips of my breasts and down between my legs. Getting drunk made me horny. Or maybe I’d drunk too much because I was horny?
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat, but I couldn’t seem to manage more than a squeak. “Thanks for getting it for me.”
“You’re welcome.” He leaned back in the chair, stretching his legs so that they went under my lounge, running beneath my hips. I remember lying on his lap, snuggled against him, slipping off to sleep. My breath caught and shuddered. I clenched my hands into fists because he was so close to me that I could have reached out to touch his thigh. I could have run my fingers up to his flat stomach and slid them into his jeans ...
“My God.” I closed my eyes and gripped my legs together, trying to quell the ache there in my center.
“What?” Liam sounded curious.
“Nothing.” I couldn’t move or I was fairly certain that I’d climb over and straddle him. Assuming I could do that without falling; the world was still a little spinny. I tried to think of something else to say, anything to get my mind off Liam’s body.
“Why did Giff call you beetle? Back in the kitchen, I mean.”
He chuckled. “You know Giff and his nicknames. When we were in high school, he started calling me that. You know, like the comic strip? Beetle Bailey?”
“Beetle Bailey.” I giggled. It was so much funnier to me that it should have been.
I heard the creak as he shifted in his chair. “You look amazing tonight, by the way.”
“You can’t say that.”
“Really? Why?” He was laughing at me, but I didn’t care.
“Because. What happened with us. What I did. What you did.”
“What I did? Just what am I supposed to have done?”
I turned my head in his direction and opened my eyes, not saying anything.
Liam held up a hand. “Okay, I’ll concede to the shit that went down with Julia. What did I do to you?”
I closed my eyes again. “You made me think ...maybe I could have something I’m not supposed to have.” Even drunk, listening to my own slurring words, I recognized convoluted logic. It made sense in my head, but out loud ...not so much.
When Liam spoke again, his voice was much closer to my ear. “Why are you not supposed to have it?”
I let my eyelids flutter open, and I stared into those heart-stopping blue eyes. “Because bad things happen when I do. I have to be the good girl. I have to focus. Eyes on the prize.”
“Ah.” He didn’t argue, and I was glad. I wasn’t sure I could remember anything else. “So now we know what I did. What did you do that makes it so I can’t tell you how sexy you look?”
Desire made me writhe. “Stop it. Don’t say that.” I forced myself not to look away. “I said hurtful things. I made you think it was all a game. You and me. I wanted to make you go away, so I could get my life back. My lonely, boring life.”
I expected Liam to sit back. He should have been pissed at what I’d just revealed, but he didn’t move. His gaze ran down my face, fastening on my lips, and then back to my eyes. Before I could react, he shifted a fraction of an inch forward to touch his lips to mine.
It was a tentative kiss, just the barest meeting of lips. He kept still for several heartbeats, as though he were waiting for my reaction. When I leaned back, angling my head to capture his mouth, he grunted deep in his throat and moved one hand up to hold my face. All hesitation was gone; he devoured me as his lips moved with purpose and his tongue stroked me, running over the inside of my lips and then plunging hard to engage mine.
I was laid out, open, and completely given in. I don't know what would have happened if a different sort of urgency hadn't gripped me.
“Stop.” I flattened my hands on Liam’s chest, pushing when he would have ignored me. “Move. You need to move.”
“Why?” He rested his forehead against mine.
I rolled out from under him, struggled off the lounge chair and lunged for the far side of the deck, as far away from people as I could get.
And then I leaned over the railing and proceeded to puke, loud and long.
***
DEATH. OH, PLEASE, just a little death right now. Anything to stop the pain.
“Good morning, peaches.”
I moaned and pulled the pillow over my head. “Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up.”
“Sorry, darling. It’s nearly no
on, and your roommate is frantic. She’s been texting me for hours, afraid you were in a hospital in a coma or worse. You need to let Jules know you’re still among the living.”
“I’m not sure I am. And if I am, I don’t want to be.”
“You don’t get that choice. Come on. Up and at ’em.”
I ventured to open one eye. “Where am I?”
“Jeff’s guest room.”
I blew out an unsteady breath. “Oh, my God. He must think I’m such an idiot. I’m so sorry, Giff.”
“Nothing to be worried about, sweetness. We’ve all had nights like that.” I felt the bed dip as he sat down next to me. “But maybe you’d like to talk about the whys and wherefores.”
“Does it matter? It’s over. I just want to forget last night ever happened. And maybe die.”
“Hmm. I don’t think we can make either of those things happen. Pretty sure you’re going to live. And it just so happens that Liam is sitting downstairs in the kitchen, eating breakfast with Jeff and Amanda.”
“Giff.” I pushed to sit up and then clutched at my middle. “Shit. Oh, my God.” Pain seized my stomach, and nausea danced in my throat. I stayed still until I could speak again. “I can’t see Liam. I’ll just go out the back way ...” I trailed off, remembering the layout of the house. “Or the front way. Don’t say anything. Just let me go.”
“Ava, you can’t run forever. I don’t know for sure what happened between you and Liam, but judging from what you said last night while under the influence and a few things I picked up from Liam, I can guess. Both of you screwed up, I get it, but why don’t you talk to him? Maybe work out whatever wacky thing the two of you have going?”
I shoved a pillow behind my back and gingerly leaned against it. “It’s complicated, Giff.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Funny, that’s the same line Liam gave me. Maybe the two of you need to figure out how to simplify it.”
I shook my head and then regretted it as the pain reverberated in my brain.
Giff stood up. “It’s up to you, Ava. Your clothes are on the dresser over there. And don’t worry, your virtue is intact. Amanda’s the one who helped you get changed and lent you that t-shirt. So while you’re deciding whether you’re going to sneak away or face the music, you should remember you owe her a thank you. She also gave you her bed, since she was supposed to have the guest room last night.”
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