I stood on tip-toe to kiss my father’s cheek. “Thank you, Daddy. ‘Night, Ma. See you tomorrow morning.”
***
IT WAS THREE in the afternoon by the time Liam and I left my parents’ house the next day. The car was filled with packaged food, including the leftover cioppino, several loaves of bread and a box of my mother’s cookies.
I had gotten up early that morning to go to Mass with my mother, knowing she expected it even if she didn’t say anything. After we got home, I helped her put together the family breakfast that had been our tradition for as long as I could remember. As soon as we finished eating, Ma and Angela whisked me off to the bridal store for my fitting.
Liam and I hadn’t had much chance to talk. The night before, Frankie had chattered all the way back to my parents’ house. I had hoped she would settle down and fall asleep once we got home, but she insisted that I lay down with her. And of course, I went to sleep before she did.
“Well?” I glanced at him as we pulled away from the house. “Are you sorry you came? You could have had a nice quiet weekend partying with Amanda and Giff at a dance club in the city.”
He didn’t answer for a moment, and my stomach dropped. Maybe he was thinking exactly what I had just said. Maybe he was thinking that he didn’t want to have anything to do with someone who came from a hotbed of insanity. That possibility hurt me more than I could imagine.
“Do you know how lucky you are?” He looked over at me at last. “Do you realize that everyone in that house came up to me at one point in the time I was there and told me how wonderful you are? How I’d be fortunate if you and I were more than friends?” He frowned. “I’m pretty sure your brother Vince also threatened me if I did anything to hurt you. I’m not sure. He’s kind of low-key.”
I swallowed over the lump in my throat. “Yeah. They’re nuts, but they’re mine, I guess.”
“I think your mother hugged me more in the fifteen hours we were there than my mother has in my memory.” There was pain in his voice, and I longed to be able to take it away.
“We tend to be demonstrative. And loud. But you always know where you stand with them. If someone’s mad, they yell and scream, and then it’s over.”
“I never know where I stand with my father. I’m pretty sure my mother’s proud of me. I know she loves me in her way. But it’s so much harder with my dad.” He gripped the steering wheel a little harder. “Thank you for letting me come with you. It was ... wonderful.”
I nodded, not sure of what else to say.
“Oh, and by the way, Carl and Angela invited me to their wedding. Are you by any chance looking for a date?”
I DIDN’T SEE Liam for several days after we got back from my parents’ house. I had a few quizzes to study for, and Liam had an away track meet. He texted me often, sometimes serious, sometimes teasing. I wasn’t sure where we stood. He had kissed my cheek after he left me in my room on Sunday afternoon, but I was sure part of the reason for that was Julia sitting on her bed, starring daggers at both of us.
I was walking back to the dorm after my last class on Wednesday when someone grabbed my arm and pulled me off the brick pathway.
“Hey!” I started indignantly, and then I saw Liam’s teasing face.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. You just looked so serious and intent walking along here ... I felt like the Big Bad Wolf, stalking Little Red Riding Hood.”
I looked up at him, a smile playing around my lips. “So what does the wolf do with poor Red once he captures her?”
A slow grin spread across his face. “Hmmm. So many things. But maybe he starts here.”
He lowered his mouth to mine, possessive and warm as he fitted me to him. I twined my arms up to wrap around his neck and opened my mouth to deepen the kiss.
Liam straightened after a minute, sighing into my hair. “I missed you. Wish I could take you back to my room right now and show you what else the wolf would do, but I’m running late to track practice.”
I made a face. “Yeah, and I’ve got an RA council meeting tonight.”
“Hmmm.” He swung back toward the path, taking my hand as we walked. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
“After class? Nothing that I know of. Why?”
“Come running with me.”
My feelings must have been evident on my face, because Liam laughed. “Come on. I promise, it’ll be fun. I’ll take it slow with you.” He waggled his eyebrows, giving the words extra meaning.
“Liam, I don’t run.”
“How do you know? Have you ever tried?”
“No ... well, not really. In gym class. But ...” I glanced away. I really didn’t want to go into this here and now. “I don’t have the right equipment.”
“That’s the beauty of running. You don’t need anything but sneakers, and I know you have those.”
“Maybe that’s true for men, but not for women. Particularly, um ...” My face turned red. “I need the right foundation garments. And I don’t have them.”
Liam frowned, and then understanding dawned. “Oh.” He glanced down at my chest.
“Sorry.” I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Hey, never apologize. Not for ... that.” He licked his lips. “Don’t they have special clothes for that? Like sports bras?”
“Well, yeah, but that’s what I’m saying. I don’t have any. Yoga pants are the extent of my sports-related clothes.”
“You could get one.”
“I could, but it’s not the kind of thing they sell at the campus bookstore. Why is it such a big deal for me to run with you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve got to keep up with my training, and it seemed like a way we could spend time together.”
The idea that he wanted more time together made me happy in a giddy way. I still wasn’t sold on the running idea, though.
“I was thinking of what you said about knowing me. Running is a big part of who I am. I wanted to share that with you.” He stopped and turned toward me. “I need to go that way for class.”
I reached up to touch his cheek. He must not have shaved that morning, because his beard rasped against my fingers.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “For wanting to share that part of me with you.”
He covered my fingers with his hand. “There’re more parts I want to share with you.”
“That’s what friends do. They share stuff. Things they don’t tell anyone else.”
He grinned. “Some of what I want to share with you might go beyond the scope of friendship. How flexible are you about that?”
I hesitated. We’d been skirting close to and across the boundaries for the last week or so. It was only a matter of time before pretending that’s all we were to each other would be ridiculous. I stood on tip-toe to kiss his cheek.
“I’m willing to explore that possibility.” I winked and left him staring at me wide-eyed as I went back to the path that led to our dorm.
Julia was already in our room when I got back. I dropped my backpack into my closet and smiled at her.
“Hey, you feel like a shopping trip?”
“WHEN YOU SAID shopping, I thought you meant something fun.” Julia sat on the bench in the fitting room, a pout on her face. “Like clothes or makeup or something like that. Not running bras.”
“Sorry.” I unclipped the first one from the hanger. “But thanks for coming. I really might need your help if I get stuck in one of these and can’t get out.”
“I still don’t understand this sudden interest in running.” She stretched her legs out in front of her as I pulled my top over my head and unhooked my bra.
“I don’t know. It just seems like doing something physical wouldn’t hurt me.” I stuck my arms through the bra and gasped as I tried to pull it down. “Oh, my God, Jules, this isn’t going to keep one boob still, let alone both of them.”
“Here.” She stood up and yanked on the back of the bra until it slipped into place. Unfortunately, it was the only thin
g that was in place; my boobs were sticking out both above and below. I stuffed them into the cups and checked out the mirror.
“Ugh. These things aren’t designed for appeal, are they?” I stood sideways, not loving how the elastic squashed everything down. I hadn’t looked this flat-chested since I was twelve years old.
“When you’re running, you’re not supposed to be worried about appeal.” Julia’s eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute. That’s what this is about, isn’t it? Liam. You’re doing this for him.”
I flushed. “No. I mean, I might run with him. Some time. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with running with a friend.”
“Ava. Do you even hear yourself? I don’t understand what you’re doing.”
I crossed my arms and struggled to pull off the bra. “I’m trying to find a decent sports bra because I have enormous boobs.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. You’re changing for a guy. And not even a decent guy. Liam Bailey.”
I finally got the elastic torture device off me. I re-attached it to the hanger and pulled down the next one. “Jules, I’m not changing for a guy. I’m just opening up new doors. Haven’t you been telling me for the past three years that I need to try new things? Stop being so closed off and single-minded? Well, here I am. I thought you’d be happy.”
“For anyone but Liam Bailey.” She mumbled the words, hunched on the bench again.
“Aha.” This one had a hook, which meant it was much easier to put on. “So Liam is the problem. Jules, please. I have this under control. Did you ever stop and think that maybe the Liam Bailey you knew was different than the one I know? Don’t you remember how you guys fought all the time? You told me once if it hadn’t been for Giff, you never would have stayed together as long as you did.”
She nodded.
“It’s not like with us. He ... he does things to make me happy. He’s interested in what I like. We talk, and it’s good. Please, Julia. I don’t want this to come between us. I love you, and I always will.” This was an awkward conversation to be having while trying on bras. “But this thing with Liam ... I don’t know where it’s going. Maybe nowhere. Maybe we’ll just be friends. But I don’t want to have to justify everything to you.”
I turned to the mirror. “Well, more oomph, but not enough support. I’d give myself two black eyes running in this one.” I glanced at Julia, and to my shock, she was crying.
“I’m sorry, Ave.” She fumbled in her purse for a tissue. “I know I’ve been awful. I do want you to be happy. And I’m not jealous. I love Jesse. I’m in love with him. I know we’re meant to be together. I guess I just feel like ... what was wrong with me that Liam didn’t treat me like he does you? I see the look in his eyes when he watches you. He never cared about me. Not like that.”
I hung up bra number two and began the torture of number three. “I don’t know, Jules. Maybe it’s a matter of who we’re meant to be with. Jesse is such a perfect fit for you. I see you two together, and I can’t imagine either of you ever being with anyone else. He worships the ground you walk on, like my mom says. And you get all glowy and bright around him. Whether you know it or not, you made me see that I want that. I want to find the person who makes me glowy. Maybe it’s Liam. Maybe it’s not. But I’m actually thinking about it now. That’s a step, right?”
I got the bra on and tucked in my boobs. This one felt good: it had support, and yet it still let me have a little shape. I spun toward Jules, smiling.
“Ding, ding, I think we have a winner.”
She wiped at her face and launched herself to me for a hug. “I think we do, too.”
Laughing, I pushed at her. “Jules, I’m half-naked here in the dressing room. Seriously. Awkward.”
“Sorry.” She sat back down. “It just feels like everything is changing. I guess part of me thought there were a few things I could always depend on, like you sticking to your life plan and Liam being a dick. Now you’re buying running bras and Liam’s ...” She sighed. “I’m not ready to relinquish the dick part, but I guess as long as he’s treating you well, I can keep my mouth shut.”
“Thanks. Now can you help get me out of this thing? I think I’m stuck.”
JULIA AND I ate dinner in the food court at the mall, and then I dropped her back at the dorm before I rushed off to make the RA council meeting. These were generally a waste of time, mostly consisting of people bitching about the students in their dorms or the leaders showing us long and pointless presentations on methods of coping with young college students. I sat in the back with a notebook that was actually from my Cognition class. I was behind in reviewing my notes there.
“Hey, peaches. Is this fun or what?”
I looked up as Giff slid into the chair next to me. He was wearing chinos and dress shirt, and I raised an eyebrow.
“Aren’t you a little dressed up for a council meeting?” Giff always looked good, but he was also savvy about the right clothes for any occasion. Nice shorts and a shirt would have been typical for this kind of evening.
He made a face. “Yeah, well, I didn’t have time to change after dinner.”
“Jeff take you out some place fancy?”
“I wish. No, I went to dinner with Liam and his parents. Always a fun-fest with those three.”
My stomach fell. “Liam’s parents are here?”
Giff flipped open his tablet. “Yeah. I guess it was a last minute deal. Believe me, it wasn’t a pleasure cruise tonight. I’ve been playing buffer between them for a long time, but the last few months ...” He shook his head. “I needed a drink. Or three.”
I shifted. “Liam didn’t tell me they were coming today.”
“Oh, don’t be mad about that. Trust me, he was protecting you.”
I snorted. “Or he just didn’t think I was important enough to meet them.”
The meeting began, and Giff lowered his voice, leaning toward me.
“Peaches, that’s not it. Don’t go making this into a big deal.”
“But it is a big deal, Giff. He practically strong-armed me into taking him to meet my parents this weekend. And yet his are right here, and he can’t invite me to dinner?”
Giff heaved a sigh. “It’s so much more complicated than that.”
“Yeah, there’s that word again. Complicated. I’m beginning to think it’s Liam’s middle name.”
“This time it’s for real. He told me about being with you over the weekend. He thinks your family is amazing. But his parents aren’t like that. He’s probably afraid they’d eat you alive.”
“I’m a big girl, Giff. I can handle them.”
“Maybe, but try to understand. Liam doesn’t want you to get hurt.”
The girl in front of us turned around and shot us a dirty look. I guessed we were distracting her from the fascinating presentation on helping freshmen transition to sophomore year.
I pulled out my phone and texted Liam.
Hey. How was your night?
I propped the phone on the edge of the desk, watching for Liam’s response. There was nothing for a long time, and then it was just one word.
Hell.
I waited, but there was nothing more, so I typed another question.
Are you okay?
This time, the answer was faster.
No.
I bit the side of my lip, thinking. I wasn’t sure if there was anything I could do to help him, but sitting here while Liam was hurting was a waste of time.
I put my mouth close to Giff’s ear. “Was Liam in your room?”
He shook his head and whispered back to me. “I left from the restaurant since I had this meeting. But they were about to head out, too, I think. Why?”
I shut my notebook and shoved it into my bag. “I’m going to check on him.”
Giff grabbed my arm. “Hey, peaches, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Liam ... after a visit with his parents, he needs some time to decompress. You should give him space tonight. Leave him alone.”
I
hesitated. I wasn’t Liam’s girlfriend, not really. I was his friend, and maybe a little more than that. But would showing up uninvited tonight be pushing? I tried to imagine what he would do if our positions were reversed. It wasn’t even a question; I knew he’d be there for me, whether I asked him or not. Whether I wanted him or not.
“Are you going back to the dorm after the meeting?” I leaned nearer Giff again.
He glanced at me. “No. I’m going right to Jeff’s from here. But I think—”
I stood up, grabbing my bag. “Thanks, Giff.” I kissed him on the cheek. “You’re a good friend. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”
God, I hoped I did.
***
THE WALK TO the dorm where Liam and Giff lived only took me a few minutes. The night was warm, with just a hint of chill in the air, but I didn’t linger to enjoy it. A sense of urgency beat within my chest. Maybe I was fool, but if Liam needed me ...
I clenched my fingers. That was the question. Did he need me? He hadn’t bothered to let me know he was seeing his parents tonight, and he hadn’t thought to invite me to join them. Maybe I was fooling myself. Maybe I was going to get up to his room, and he’d wonder why I’d come. Why I’d forced myself into a situation where I wasn’t wanted. Or needed.
I took a deep breath and turned into the building. Their room was on the first floor, and I only had to turn one corner before I was standing in front of their door.
This was it. I could still turn around and walk away right now, and Liam would never know. I could pretend that I’d gone straight back to my own room, and tomorrow morning, I would act as though Giff hadn’t told me anything.
Or I could knock at the door, knowing this was a turning point. If I went in and Liam did need me, if I could offer him any comfort ... I would be committing to more than friendship. I knew I’d been kidding myself for a while anyway; we both knew the friendship pact was just a cover for what Liam wanted. For what, maybe, both of us wanted.
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