Laura then takes it upon herself to open the giraffe and hand it to Poppy, who gives it a squeeze, points at the water stain again and goes in search of more mischief, abandoning the poor stuffed giraffe to its own devices behind the fish tank.
For the next twenty minutes, Laura and I unwrap everything, while Poppy ignores us. She means to wobble-grab her way around the room at least five times this morning dammit – and there’s not a thing we can do to stop her. It’s like she’s decided on her daily work-out regime and intends to stick to it come hell or high water.
I eventually give up on trying to interest her and start unwrapping presents on the sofa. Poppy is across the other side of the room with Laura, pointing up at the fish tank and calling the clown fish a cunt.
…we’re really going to have to wean her off that at some point.
I’m down to the last present. It’s a small one, from my idiot brother Chris.
It’s amazing we even have a gift from him. He’s missed my birthday six years in a row now. He must have felt really guilty about not visiting us more this year.
It’s a ball of some kind. Even Chris’s hideous attempt at wrapping can’t disguise it.
I open it and give it a once over. It’s purple and squishy, and when you whack it with your hand a light comes on at its centre and it plays a tinkley little tune.
I give the thing a half-hearted wallop and hold it out while it glows and sings to itself.
‘Jamie look,’ I hear Laura say.
I gaze over and see Poppy absolutely transfixed. Gone are thoughts of water stains and Sky boxes. If the clown fish is a cunt, my daughter no longer cares. The purple squishy ball is her entire life now.
From where she stands leaning against the television, Poppy takes a step towards me. Laura’s arms shoot out.
‘Hang on! Let’s see what happens,’ I say.
‘I don’t want her to hurt herself.’
‘Sweetheart, this baby has survived a bout of pneumonia, being abandoned in a department store and near drowning… I’m sure she’ll be fine.’
Laura sits back on her heels.
‘Poppy!’ I call. ‘You want this?’ I hold out the ball. ‘Come and get it Poppy.’
She’s not sure. You can see the cogs in her brain whirring. She wants the ball, but there’s nothing between her and it. It will require walking without a handy couch or TV to lean on.
‘C’mon Poppy!’ I repeat, vaguely aware that I sound like I’m calling a dog.
‘Go on Pops. Go to daddy,’ Laura says, getting into the spirit of it.
‘Munna wobba mummy dadda,’ Poppy tells us in a serious voice.
I waggle the ball again.
Poppy holds out one hand…
And then, ever so carefully, ever so daintily, my gorgeous, glorious, wonderful daughter – the centre of my universe – takes her first step forward.
Laura’s Diary
Sunday, November 30th
It was incredible, Mum.
One second she was clinging to the telly for support, the next she was walking.
It was wobbly, slightly unsure and threatened to send her into the fireplace at any moment, but they were Poppy’s first true steps.
And what a day to happen!
My heart leapt into my mouth and I could see Jamie trembling as Poppy reached out one podgy little hand and tottered towards her father, eyes fixed on the weird little purple ball Jamie’s brother had bought.
As I watched her cross the room, tears filled my eyes.
Mostly tears of happiness of course, but I think there was a part of me that felt a slight sense of loss in those brief moments between television and sofa. Everything would change now. Poppy would no longer be a baby, she was entering into the uncertain – but wholly fascinating – world of the toddler.
This no doubt meant my stress levels were about to rise even higher, but that’s par for the course when you have children, I suppose.
The most beautiful part of Poppy’s first walk is when she reaches Jamie. I was expecting her to simply grab the ball and bounce into the sofa next to him, but instead her pace actually slows as she reaches him. One gentle hand goes onto the ball and she looks up at him, face full of wonder.
‘Daddy,’ she says in the sweetest, clearest tone I’d ever heard her use.
‘Yes honey, it’s daddy.’ Jamie’s voice is thick with emotion. ‘You want the ball?’
Her other hand reaches out and she lifts the ball from his grasp, staring at it intently.
Jamie looks at me over her. It’s the same look he had on his face when he asked me to marry him.
I wish – oh God, I only wish – that I will see that look on his face a thousand more times in my life.
Poppy simply stands studying her new toy. It probably cost all of a fiver, but is providing her with more joy than the plethora of expensive gifts that surround us.
‘Poppy,’ I say in a quiet voice. ‘Why don’t you show mummy the ball?’
Jamie is standing slowly and reaching for the digital camera.
I put my arms out.
Tears are rolling down my face, so I smile broadly. I don’t want my newly ambulant daughter to think I’m upset. ‘Come here Poppy. Come and show mummy.’
‘Mummy!’ Poppy cries and giggles, holding the ball towards me.
Now I’m shaking. It’s all a bit too much for this girl. We expected to be giving Poppy presents today, but she’s given us the best gift imaginable.
Pops starts to make a move back over to me.
It seems that with each and every step she gets stronger, her gait steadier. Not for the first time I am reminded of how fast babies develop - of how quickly they change.
Jamie knows this too, as he snaps away with the camera like a man possessed.
We ended up taking over one hundred pictures of Poppy walking on her birthday. Our Facebook profiles will not know what’s hit them.
Although it takes her but a few seconds to toddle back to my waiting arms, I savour each and every moment, each and every detail – burning them into my brain:
The bright, innocent smile on her face.
The minute wobble in her knees.
Her hair lifting from her forehead as she moves.
The way the purple ball pulses gently, lighting her perfect little fingers as she grasps its rubbery surface.
And above all, the sublime, high, happy laugh that seems to emanate from every part of her.
If a baby’s heartbeat is the sound of the universe, then her laughter is surely the sound of its creator.
I take my giggling daughter in my arms and wrap her tightly in them.
Jamie joins us, crouches down and puts one arm around me. The camera is forgotten for the moment.
As Poppy plays with her new toy, Jamie kisses my forehead. ‘I think we did alright sweetheart,’ he says in a soft voice.
‘Yeah.’ I offer him a lop-sided smile. ‘So far, anyway.’
I believe it too.
We have done alright.
In fact, we’ve done better than alright in my book.
For two people completely ill-equipped to bring a baby into the world, we’ve negotiated ourselves to this happy point, where our daughter is healthy, happy and loved.
Through illness, calamity, embarrassment and exhaustion we’ve stayed together – all three of us - keeping smiles on our faces most of the time.
I don’t know what lies in the future.
There are bound to be hiccups along the way.
Given how ridiculously her parents have behaved in the past, I’m sure Poppy will make her fair share of mistakes.
But that’s okay, because Jamie and I will always be there for her.
That’s what we do now.
And knowing that – more than anything else – makes me love and miss you harder and deeper than ever before, Mum.
If I can do half as good a job of loving Poppy as you did with me, I’ll be the best mother in the world.
To t
he future, to the past, and to this wonderful moment with the sound of my daughter’s laughter ringing in my ears.
Your happy daughter – and an even happier mother – Laura.
xxx
Poppy’s iTalk
December 02 2031
OMG!
I’m spacing, Hayles.
Full on weirded out here…
The units gave me this messed up present for the b-day.
On a flashy I got dad’s blog he used to write way back in the day. Mum scanned her old diary onto it as well.
When they give it to me, they tell me it’s all about me being born. Literal.
I read it coz it sounded kinda cool.
Wish I hadn’t now…
My units are soooo embarrassing. There’s all this stuff about mum getting preggers – which is far, far gross.
Would you believe dad lost me in some ancient real world shop when I was only a few months old?
Then there’s all the stuff about grandma. That freaked me out too. Can’t see how the little old lady we go see every week could have been like that. Mind you, she does look at the pool guy funny whenever he comes over.
You know how I keep saying I don’t feel like I’m normal? Like I’m kinda ‘outside’ everyone else?
Now I know it.
You only have to read this stuff for a few pages to be sure.
You get a mensh, chick. Your mum does too. Seems like she baby sat me when the units went out on a date. Never knew mum was such a booze hound back in the day!
Dad blogged about me having pneumonia. Didn’t know how bad it was. Guess I know why mum always bugs me large about dressing warm when it’s cold out.
It’s not all bad I guess. Some of it’s kinda sweet. Clear they love each other – and me.
Eeerggh…
You have NO idea how much my skin crawls thinking of the units as being sweet. I’m used to them either being bossy, boring or embarrassing.
Reading about when they were young and still had it? Terrifying chick. Dead terrifying.
Next time I crash I’ll bring it with. You can have a read yourself.
I could go on about it here, but better you see with your own spheres. You wouldn’t believe half of it if I just told you.
The blog and diary only go up to my first birthday though…
I was kinda bummed, coz I wanted to read about what happened after. From what they’ve told me in the past, that’s when things really started to get good!
Okes, gonna flip out now chick, gotta do an essay for tomorrow.
Loves ya, misses ya, and can’t wait to kick it with you on Sats.
Your mate,
Poopy.
The End
Titles by Nick Spalding available on Amazon Kindle:
Love… From Both Sides
Sometimes, the hardest part of finding love is keeping a straight face...
For Jamie Newman, being a single guy isn't proving to be much fun, especially when confronted with a sexually belligerent divorcee and a goddess so far out of his league she might as well be a different species.
Mind you, being a girl in search of love isn't a bowl of cherries either. Just ask Laura McIntyre, who's recently contended with a horny estate agent on a quest for light relief and a rabid mountain bike enthusiast with a penchant for displaying his genitals.
When Jamie and Laura bump into one another (quite literally) it looks like their luck may have changed - but sometimes finding the right person is only the start of your problems...
Based on real-life tales of dating disaster and relationship blunders, Love... From Both Sides is a warts-and-all romantic comedy for everyone who knows how tricky (and occasionally ridiculous) the quest for love can be.
Love… And Sleepless Nights
Sometimes, the hardest part of becoming a parent is keeping a straight face…
Just ask Jamie and Laura Newman, who (thanks to a rather relaxed attitude to contraception) find themselves about to have a baby. It’s obviously a terrifying prospect for a newly married couple, but as long as they stick together they’ll be fine, right?
They’d better, because the path between conception and those first few baby steps is littered with many obstacles - such as public sickness, rabid insomnia, violent mood swings, complicated sex, and copious amounts of swearing.
Featuring a cast that includes an overbearing mother-in-law, a terrifying midwife, and at least one chorus of mating humpbacks, Love… And Sleepless Nights is the hilarious sequel all about what happens next.
Falling in love with another person is easy. Making a new one with them is where things get complicated.
Life… With No Breaks
Nick Spalding tried to write a book in 24 hours. Turns out that's impossible... it took 30!
Life... With No Breaks is a unique, hilarious and heartfelt look at the modern world we live in, told by a master story-teller with much to say - and only a weekend to say it in.
You'll laugh out loud reading Nick's odyssey of non-stop writing in a collection of anecdotes, asides and stories - all dredged up from an over-stimulated brain functioning on caffeine, nicotine and the occasional chocolate biscuit.
The book is a conversation with you, and with Nick you'll venture into the thorny topics of love, life, sex, horribly timed bowel movements and a deathly fear of sponges (among many other things).
After you've read Life... With No Breaks, you may never look at the world the same way again!
Life… On A High
Nick Spalding is back... and this time he's airborne!
By popular demand (and because those counselling sessions won't pay for themselves) Nick returns in the sequel to Life... With No Breaks - with a new collection of anecdotes, stories and asides.
This time he's writing at 40,000 feet... and what better way is there to kill forty eight hours on a round trip to Australia than holding another conversation with you?
Sit back - don't worry, we're in Business Class so the seats are comfortable - put your feet up, and laugh out loud as Nick wends his merry way through a plethora of subjects, including age, hobbies, crime, dating the wrong women and pretending to be a banana (among many other things).
After you've read Life... On A High, you may never look at the rest of the world the same way again!
The Cornerstone
A great book will transport you to another world... literally, if you're not careful.
On a gloomy Thursday afternoon, Max Bloom enters his local library in a last ditch attempt to stave off an epic case of teenage boredom. Among the hushed stacks he discovers The Cornerstone, an ancient book tucked away on a dusty, forgotten shelf. Opening the cover, Max is instantly transported to an alternate dimension full of things intent on killing him - thus avoiding boredom with remarkable success.
He meets a beautiful girl called Merelie (brilliant), who tells him he could be a Wordsmith, a sorcerer able to craft magic from the written word itself, one strong enough to save both their worlds from the Dwellers - hideous monsters from beyond the universe (not so brilliant).
This all sounds completely unbelievable. The kind of thing you'd read in a fantasy novel. But The Cornerstone doesn't lie... and the danger is very real.
In a world threatened by monsters, where books are worshipped and powerful magic exists, Max Bloom must make a choice: close The Cornerstone and run home - or trust Merelie, become a Wordsmith, and save two worlds from certain destruction...
Spalding’s Scary Shorts
Feedback: A Vampire Story
Be careful who you write about...
Keating the vampire used to love the horror stories that humans would write about his species. They had endlessly amused him - and allowed him to operate safe in the knowledge nobody believed he existed.
Madeline De Martine had changed all that though.
From terrifying, bloodthirsty creatures of the night... to maudlin, effeminate idiots obsessed with pubescent American girls, De Martine's blockbuster ro
mances had irrevocably ruined the image of the vampire, as far as Keating was concerned.
So tonight he's paying the multi-millionaire writer a visit, to offer some constructive feedback and show her the error of her ways...
I, Zombie
A story of the thinking dead!
"My name is Jim Monroe and I am a zombie.
"My natural life on this planet has ceased and I've been re-animated to stalk the world as a pale, hollow imitation of my former self.
"I'm different from my undead brethren though... I'm a zombie with a brain.
"This is the short, shocking story of how I came to be this way."
Dogs Of War
Giving interactive gameplay a whole new meaning...
Disaster.
Epic. Huge. Unmitigated. Disaster.
Zack Hampton's beloved Gamestation console has just committed electronic suicide - right in the middle of a hectic Dogs Of War Team Deathmatch.
Where the hell is he supposed to find another one the week before Christmas? All the shops have sold out!
Imagine Zack's delight when he stumbles on a quaint Christmas shop, run by the enigmatic Mister Fix... and discovers a unique 'special edition' Gamestation on sale for a bargain price.
Following a very strange conversation with the old shopkeeper, the teenager buys the console and rushes home to rejoin the online mayhem as quickly as possible.
This Gamestation really is very special though - and Zack is about to take part in a game of Dogs Of War he is never going to forget...
Love... And Sleepless Nights MAY 2012 Page 18