by Evie Harper
YOU LOVED ME AT MY WEAKEST
Copyright © 2014 by Evie Harper
Published by Evie Harper, First Edition November 2014
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing. Except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For permission requests, email the author at [email protected]
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places are incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy of each person you share it with. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was no purchased for your use only, then you should return it to the seller and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.
Cover Design: Louisa Maggio at LM Creations
Editing: Becky Johnson, Hot Tree Editing
Formatting: Max Henry at Max Effect
Images: Shutterstock
TABLE OF CONTENTS
DEDICATION
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELEVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINTEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
EPILOGUE
ALSO BY EVIE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
DEDICATION
This is for a woman I know who lost so much. Who fell down but kept getting back up. She fought through her pain for her family that still remained. When I think of strength, I think of her. I dedicate Emily’s story of survival through the impossible to you, Donna.
WARNING
This content contains material that maybe offensive to some readers, including graphic language and adult situations.
Some situations may be a hotspot for some readers.
PROLOGUE
1st Man – Petrified, I’m cowering against a wall in the corner of a tiny room. The room is bare. The only furniture is a bed pushed up against a white wall.
The vile smelling man hovers over me, and spits out, “You think you’re so beautiful, don’t you?” He is red faced, anger vibrating from every pore of his body. “You women are all the same, thinking you're better than me.”
“Please,” I beg, “I just want to go home.” Tears cascade down my face. Fear and torment squeeze at my heart.
SMACK.
My face slams into the wall from his slap and I taste metallic.
The man grabs both my shoulders. My skin slices open from his fingernails digging into my shoulders. He throws me to the bed, I bounce and my hair whips me in the face. The man starts yanking up my dress.
Using my legs and arms I push with all my strength, desperate to get his hands away. “Please don’t do this. I don’t even know you, please. I was kidnapped. I’m not meant to be here!” I end on a hysterical yell. My attempts to stop him are brushed aside, he doesn’t care
He rips off my underwear and I scream at the top of my lungs. I kick out with all my strength, but he pins my legs down and climbs on top. I’m punching him in the chest and the face as he unbuckles his pants and pulls himself through his zipper. Putting a condom on, he then stares down at me. I stop hitting, breathing heavily, waiting for his next move, to start my fight again.
“I’ll teach you for looking at me like I’m ugly, as if I’m not good enough for you.”
My eyes widen. I have no idea what any of his words mean. He’s insane.
He reaches for my wrists and I buck and twist my body. He takes hold of my wrists and pins them tightly together with one hand, squeezing them so hard I feel like he’s breaking my bones with my own. He has me. Pinned down at the legs and wrists. I’m trapped.
He reaches down with his hand not holding my wrists and enters himself inside of me.
I scream the only thing I want in this moment. The only person who has always kept me safe. The man who isn’t here to save me now.
“KANYE!”
***
12th Man - “Fuck, yes! I’m going to fuck you up the ass so fucking hard, you’re going to bleed.”
Standing in the room, sobbing, staring at the excited man standing in front of me, I beg him, “Kill me, please. Just slit my fucking throat!” I end in a scream.
He prowls toward me and says, “Well, well, look what we have here. You’re not quite broken, but you’re close.” He rubs his hands together and hisses, “Get on the bed, face down.”
I shake my head, tasting the salt from my tears as I bite my lip knowing what comes next. He strikes out and I run to the other side of the room before his hit can reach its mark. My face.
“Bitch! Get on the fucking bed!” he roars.
I look around the room wildly, searching for anything to pick up and protect myself with. I’ve done this so many times, now; I don’t know why I keep looking for a weapon I know isn’t in here.
I’m moving side to side as he approaches me. I have no idea what I’m doing or how long I can run for, but I’m not giving up.
He reaches for me again and I run to the other side of the room.
He turns and walks halfway to me. Then I see it; in his arms and legs, he tenses. He sprints toward me and I run around him, but his arm reaches out and catches my elbow. I’m pulled back with so much force; I’m brought to the ground with a hard hit to my head.
Instantly, he’s on top of me and begins ripping my dress off.
RIP.
The shoulder straps are torn away.
RIP.
The dress is yanked down my body. He doesn’t even bother with the zipper. The whole dress is wrenched away. He pulls my underwear off and I know what will happen now.
No matter how hard I fight or how much I beg, it always ends the same way.
My body tenses as I wait for the bugs to start crawling over my skin, and as it begins, I do the same thing I have always done. I call out to the man I’m still waiting to come and save me.
“KANYE!”
***
24th Man – “Sit on the bed,” the man says, not looking at me as he unties his shoes and takes his socks off.
I numbly walk to the bed and sit. This man doesn’t seem like the others. He’s calm and distant. All the others look at me like I’m an animal to be tortured and killed. You can see the excitement in their eyes. This man hasn’t looked at me once. I glance down at him, he appears to be mid-thirties, with brown hair and dark blonde highlights and a strong build. Dare I say, he almost resembles a gentlemen.
I stand and take a step toward him. This never wor
ks, but my heart and soul refuse to give up, as proof to the words I’m about to say.
“I need help. I was kidnapped. I have a family, a boyfriend. They all probably think I’m dead. Can you help me escape? Please, I need help,” I plead; only a sliver of hope enters my words.
The man looks up to me and my body stills; a shiver races down my spine. He smiles at me. A bone chilling, evil smile. He stands and walks toward me. I back up three steps, but freeze when he stops advancing on me.
“Emily, Emily, Emily.”
He repeats my name while waving his finger back and forth in front of me.
“I just found you. You aren’t going anywhere.”
His hand swings out as fast as lightning and grabs me around the throat. I gasp and try to pry his hands away from my neck.
I can’t breathe. I can’t swallow. Panic explodes in my chest.
“I should introduce myself. My name is Donovan. We are going to get to know each other very well, Emily. I’m going to be at every party and I’m going to buy you every time. You’re now my new toy. I’m going to bring you to near death, and then I’m going to fuck you stupid. Marco may own you, but I will be your master in this room, once a month.”
The room spins and my arms go slack. His grip around my throat eases. He lets me go just as quickly as he grabbed me. My knees hit the floor, hard. My hands saving me from face planting the floor. Chest rising and falling rapidly, my throat is dry, each breath in stings. Air has never tasted so good before.
“Undress and lay on the fucking bed or I will really show you how much I hate disobedience.”
I rise to my feet on shaky legs and walk to the bed and undress.
“You will learn, Emily, you are a worthless piece-of-shit whore, who is lucky to be able to take my cock. No one else will buy you because they can see how dirty you are. They can see how used up you are.”
I don’t just hear his words I feel them; they slice through me like newly sharpened swords slicing open your opponent in a battle arena. They stick to my soul and I know they are going to stay there until they seep deep inside and scar me, marring me forever.
I lie on the bed and wait for the inevitable. I don’t fight and I don’t scream. I learned a while ago, screaming his name doesn’t help me. He doesn’t hear my cries and he’s not coming to save me. Even thinking about him has my body shaking with memories of a life I no longer have. A life I will never get back. So I shut him out and all the memories and feelings with him. Darkness and nightmares are my future now.
***
38th Time – I’m escorted into the room and find Donovan sitting on the bed loosening his tie. The door shuts and locks behind me. Exactly the same thing happens every time and has been happening for the last five years. Although in the past few years, these nights have gone from once a month to one every three months. Donovan is always in a foul mood when it’s been longer than one month.
Donovan stands from the bed, frustration coating his features. “Another three fucking months, Emily. What the fuck is Marco doing with you all in that time? If I find out he’s selling you to other men, I will fucking kill the bastard.”
God, he’s so full of shit. I wish he would do it, just kill Marco.
I appease Donovan, knowing a calm Donovan is mildly better than an enraged one.
“No, he’s not. We stay at his private house and don’t leave. People are following him now more than ever and he’s paranoid. The only reason why he had a party tonight was because a new collection piece was added.”
Lily, the new girl. She’s strong. Just like I was.
HIT
Donovan backhands me and my head swings to the right. If I said I was shocked, I would be lying. Hitting and choking are Donovan’s favorite things. Years ago, I would have cowered and cried. Now, I turn my head back toward him and wipe the blood off my lip with my thumb.
“As if you would tell me the truth, you fucking whore. You worthless piece of shit. As if any other man would want you anyway. You’re fucking sloppy hundreds now.”
His words pierce through my numb exterior for only a second before I shut my feelings down and I walk around him and start undressing. I lie on the bed and wait for the inescapable. The same thing that always happens. I sense the sadness and fear vibrate through my body, but have long ago stopped listening to it. This is my life, my never-ending nightmare.
CHAPTER ONE
Found, saved, released... freed.
Should I have a smile on my face? I should be happy, right? I’m going home. I’m going to see my family and I’m going to be safe from now on. No more hands touching me. No more bruises to watch fade away from my skin.
But I’m broken, ruined, and worthless. What can I offer them? I’m tainted. Darkness has touched me more times than I can wrap my mind around.
This suburban family doesn’t know what true evil is. I’ve laid beside the devil countless times and he’s turned me black. Inside and out.
The world around me grows louder and I come out of my thoughts, staring at the ground. I turn my head to look for Kanye, who is standing behind me. We just stepped off the plane that brought me home. He’s watching me, again. Each time I glimpse a look at him, my breath catches. He hasn’t changed at all in the last five years. Still the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. His wild, short blond hair and deep blue eyes that tell me he’s so much more than just a pretty face; his thoughts are always deep and meaningful. His body is still fit and muscular. My head still only comes up to his eye level.
Shouts distract me from my examination. I look around and find my parents sprinting toward me. Across the airstrip not listening to any of the men screaming behind them to stop. My mother drops her handbag, items spilling from it; however, she doesn’t stop to pick it up.
Time slows for just a moment as I watch my parents. My mother’s short brown hair whips in the air. Her eyes wide with tears falling. I can see one of the teardrops hit her red shirt, and there it sits, a lone wet tear, a teardrop for me.
My father’s cheeks are puffing in and out heavily. His arms pumping hard, I watch as each vein pops up as he pulls and pushes his arms backwards and forwards.
I tilt my head to the side. They’re running toward me, to embrace me. To comfort me? How long will it take them to realize their Emily is gone. How long until they realize I’m repulsive. And I will lose them, all over again.
I’m scared of their touch. Light, loving, forgiving.
Oomph! They’ve crashed into me and time sets back to present and harsh reality.
My dad picks me up, circles his arms around my body, and cries into my neck. My mother hugs me from behind. I feel her tears soaking through my shirt.
I’m scared. My chest feels heavy. My heart begins to swell. It expands and the ice around my heart starts cracking, breaking off in tiny pieces.
My mother’s sobs turn into screams at my back and larger pieces of ice break off. I’m left with just a swollen heart, who just let everything in. Pain, suffering, torment, relief, love. I can feel it all and it’s too much. But I can’t turn it off.
My chest starts heaving, but my mouth refuses to open and let out the cries that are now clawing at my lips to let them have a voice. A voice... they’ve never had a voice. Someone who cared what they cried, someone who would fix the hurt they were feeling.
It’s happening. My body melts into my father’s. My eyes sting and blur. Slowly, I open my mouth and there they are. The cries. They’ve gone ignored and unwanted for so long. They are mine. My cries of pain, torment and my relief.
My father jolts at the agonizing sound that’s ripped from my throat. My mother stands back and repeats my name on a whisper.
Hands wrap around me from behind and I know whose they are. The one person who at this moment is going to send me over the edge. Kanye.
I fall into him, his warmth, and strong arms. We collapse to the ground and he holds me to him. My head to his neck and his hand under my knees.
Kanye
repeats on a whisper while rocking us on the ground, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
I continue to let my precious cries go, while the man I love and the man I cried out for so often apologizes for the pain he didn’t inflict. Pain I can see he has inflicted on himself.
I’m letting my pain go and sharing it with the world. Now everyone around me knows just how much agony I’m in. And they’re listening; they will try to help. They can’t. But at least someone cares. That’s all I ever wanted.
Moments later, my breathing becomes erratic. I know next my sight will blur and the world will disappear into darkness. I started getting panic attacks at the beginning, before the parties. But I learned how to stop them.
Inhale through the nose, exhale out the mouth, inhale through the nose, exhale out the mouth.
My crying stops and my chest slows. I look up and meet Kanye’s eyes staring down at me. I’m unsure of what to do. I didn’t plan on showing them my pain. I calculated the best scenario would be to hide my suffering and move on with them all, with my pain, just hiding in front of it.
Now I’m unsure what this will mean. I’ve calculated every step I’ve taken for the last three years. I’ve had to. Each wrong step could have meant death. Meant someone else close to me disappearing.
I need to regroup. I’ve longed to come back to my family, but not to hurt them.
I look over at my parents, hanging on to each other tightly. Both on the edge of despair. That’s what the devils gave me: pain, torment and despair. But I refuse to share it. I refuse to pass it on. It’s mine to bear and I will carry it alone.
My plan is to save my family and Kanye from me. I won’t taint them with my broken mind and my scarred soul. I’ll be okay. I’ll be normal. I’ll hold them at arm’s length and leave them there. It’s safer that way. They won’t find out just how worthless I am and they won’t leave or discard me.
I look back to Kanye and feel his strong as steal grip on my body.
“I’m okay,” I state.
We stand and I move away from him. I step to my parents. “I’m fine.. I lost it for a moment. But it’s okay. I’m going to be alright..”