by Evie Harper
He places me down and kisses my cheek. “How’s my sis?” he asks softly.
“I’m good,” I say back.
Jake pulls back and looks down at me. “Still a way to go, Em, but I believe you will get there.”
My heart stops almost instantly. How can everyone keep seeing through me? I’m trying my hardest to fool them and yet it’s never enough. I just nod slowly and try to change the subject, which is easy when I mention the one person Jake can’t help but lose himself in.
“Where’s Lily?”
Jake’s smile widens to impossible lengths and answers, “I asked her to go to the Mall to pick us up some lunch.”
“Okay, what’s with the huge smile, big brother? You’re starting to freak me out.”
“You’ll see, little sis. Just don’t go anywhere, okay?” he says sternly, still smiling like a fool.
“Okay, jeez, not like I have any other place to be,” I say sarcastically.
I look up and see everyone staring at me. Kanye and my father are grinning. Jake and my mother’s eyes are wide and Nick and Dom both have their mouths hanging wide open in shock. Then I realized too late. I had a small smile on my face. I lost the smile and missed catching it. Everyone comes over and gives me a hug, telling me how well I’m doing.
“Even more reason to celebrate,” I hear my brother say.
The pressure to get better and be fixed weighs heavily on my soul. These are only small changes and I can’t promise I will ever be any better than what I am right now.
Half an hour later, my mother comes running out of Jake’s house like a lunatic, screaming, “She’s here! She’s here!”
“Jesus, Mom, keep it down. She’s going to think something bad is happening hearing you scream like that,” Jake admonishes her.
I quirk an eyebrow at them, feeling left out of the loop.
I peer up to Kanye, who’s standing beside me smiling. So it appears he knows or he’s just finding my mother and brother hilarious, which isn’t hard to do when it’s my mother. She’s unique to put it mildly. She’s excited easily and finds friends everywhere. Shops, restaurants, and movies, anywhere really, my mother will find someone to talk with for hours. Many shopping trips I’ve sat my butt down on a seat while my mom talked the ear off a sales assistant.
I look around and find my dad, Dom and Nick all with big grins as well. I stomp my foot. Yes, stomped my foot.
“Why I am the only one who doesn’t know what’s happening?”
Kanye answers me, “Baby, he didn’t tell any of us, but we’ve guessed. Think about it, Emmy, all the family is here. He’s surprising Lily. What do you think he’s going to do? Dump her?”
My eyes go wide and I look around to Jake as Lily walks out the back door. My brother gets down on one knee and extends his arms up with a ring box in his hands. I grab hold of Kanye’s hand tightly to hold me up. He’s proposing. My brother is asking Lily to marry him.
I release Kanye’s arm and quickly grasp my camera from around my neck and start taking pictures.
Lily and Jake’s smiles light up the backyard.
“Lily Morgan, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. Your strength has built the roads we are travelling on and they are smooth because you never give up.”
“Your brother is closing the hole more and more every day with his love and support.”
“I want to wake up and go to sleep next to you for the rest of my life. I want to keep showing you the best of me.” Tears fall from Lily’s eyes and she covers her mouth with her hand. But you can tell she’s smiling from the creases beside her wet eyes. “Your strong spirit and sassy attitude have me addicted to you, Lil. It would be an honor and a blessing to be able to create a life and a family with you. You breathe life into me, baby. So, Lily Morgan, will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?”
Lily releases her hand from her mouth and screams, “Yes!” Taking the ring, she jumps straight into Jake’s arms and they kiss.
Click, smile, click, laugh, click, kiss, click, smile, click, they are so happy.
I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder and glance up to see it’s Kanye. I look around and find everyone watching me. I must have gone a bit crazy with the pictures. Jake and Lily are still too lost in each other to notice.
My dad walks up to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. He’s warm and comforting. I lay my head on his shoulder and he kisses my hair.
My mom rushes to Lily and Jake to congratulate them. Same with Nick, Dom and Kanye. All with back pats for Jake and hugs for Lily.
Dad kisses my hair, long and hard, then releases me and goes to Lily, giving her a tight hug. Her face crumbles a little and then my mom joins in and I watch as tears fall from Lily’s eyes. Yeah, my parents have the best hugs. I know how much Lily appreciates them; anyone would after losing their own parents.
My mom and dad release her and tell her how happy they are that she will be joining our family. Lily’s eyes sparkle with excitement, yet she has a small smile and she’s rubbing her hands together roughly.
Jake wraps his arms around her, causing Lily to release her clutched hands. Her shoulders relax. The anxiety disappears and a content look washes over her.
Hmm, so love, it's love that gives you that feeling; the sensation that everything is going to be okay. I know this. I look over at Kanye talking to Dom. I know that feeling. I remember it.
For a split second, I think maybe I can’t feel it because I don’t love Kanye anymore, but I know it’s not about Kanye feeling my love; it’s about me accepting his. I haven’t felt love in five years. Have I forgotten how to appreciate it, how to receive it?
I turn away from them all and furrow my forehead as I rack my brain for those moments.
Kanye hugging me my first day of college. I was so nervous. One hug and I knew everything would be okay, because no matter what, I had him.
Before my final exams. A long hard hug from Kanye and I knew I was going to do my best and that’s all I could do.
My first day of teaching. One hug from Kanye and I knew everything would turn out just fine.
Kanye walks into my line of sight. His eyes are narrowed at me, as if he knows what I’m thinking.
“Emmy.”
I scan the yard for an escape, while shaking my head furiously. I’m on the edge of falling apart in front of everyone I care about.
“Emmy, don’t shut it out. Those emotions you're feeling, you need to experience them, to open your wounds and let them bleed so you can move on. You keep closing those emotions off, but you need to acknowledge them so you can move forward.”
“Please,” I beg. “Not here. I don’t want my family seeing how messed up I still am.”
“Oh, baby, when will you realize they can see it written all over you when you’re pretending to be someone you aren’t.”
I look up to Kanye furious. “I’m not pretending to be anyone,” I seethe. “This is me, Kanye. That’s what you don’t get.”
I turn away from him, calm myself, and walk to Lily and Jake, who are still talking to my parents.
“Congratulations you two,” I say and hug them both. “Look after my brother,” I whisper into Lily’s ear.
“Always,” she whispers back to me.
I say my goodbyes to everyone. My parents give me tight hugs and both whisper to me how happy they are that I’m doing so well. The cuts on my thighs choose that moment to throb, mocking me. I hug them back and then walk quickly through the house. I come to the front yard and see Kanye’s truck. I came with him. Footsteps come from behind me. I turn to see Dom.
“Leaving so soon, hey?” he says with a raised eyebrow and a grin on his lips.
“I was until I remembered Kanye drove me here. Care to help a girl out and give me a ride home?”
Dom huffs out a laugh. “And have the wrath of Kanye for taking you home, no way.”
I sigh. Great. I’ll just walk then. It’s not far from to house. I peer down the road and
then a sliver of fear creeps up my spine as I see the isolated street with no people around. I think I might wait for Kanye.
“Emmy, I can’t begin to understand what you went through, but I want you to know, if you need to talk to someone, I’m always here.”
I nod. “Thanks, Dom, appreciate that, but I’m okay. Doing well,” I say with as much strength as I can.
Dom’s face goes soft and he gives me a smile. “You always did suck at lying, Em, but damn, you have actually gotten worse at it. Just do me one favor, hey?”
I narrow my eyes at him when yet again another person in my life can read me like a book; open me up and see all the gory and gruesome details.
I press my lips tightly together and nod.
“When you finally feel that smile before it happens.” He points to the corner of my mouth where I felt the smile earlier. “Grab hold of it and don’t let go. Remember why you smiled, store it, and repeat it again and again until smiling becomes effortless.”
I nod slowly. My eyes sting but I refuse to let any tears fall. Why can’t they be blind to my pain? Why can’t they not care?
Because you are loved. Grab hold of it and don’t let go.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Dom’s phone rings. He looks to the screen and his eyes narrow, his face growing angry. Giving me a hug, he walks quickly to his car and drives off with spinning wheels and a screech. I shake my head. That’s just Dom. He’s wild. I hope he finds a girl one day who can settle him down, if not, she will need to match his wild ways.
I take a seat on the front steps of my brother’s house. It’s not long after Dom leaves that I sense him behind me. Watching me for a long moment, I pretend I don’t realize he’s there and then he speaks. “Let’s go.” Kanye stalks past me. I stand and walk after him. We climb into his truck and are silent the whole drive home.
When we arrive, I jump out and dash up the steps and unlock the front door. I want to jump into the shower and avoid the explosive conversation I can see growing inside Kanye.
I open the door, walk in and when my foot is on the first step, Kanye’s hand grips my elbow and turns me toward him.
His face is soft but it’s fixed with a determination.
“No matter what twisted game your mind is playing on you, always remember I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. You decide to let those negative feelings you have for yourself out, let me know. I’ll be here before and after you’ve told me what you really think of yourself.”
He doesn’t get it. “Kanye, look at us. Yet another argument, another time I’m standing here rejecting you. I’m a lost cause. I’m too far gone. I can’t overcome this. It’s too much, too hard. The more time you spend with me, the more you’re going to see how ugly I have become. You live your life through days, weeks, and years. Moments, moments are all I have. Getting from one to the next is exhausting. I want you to remember me as the strong and proud Emily, but you keep seeing me fall down. There is only so much you will take before you want to leave this nightmare behind. You’ll beg me to let you go.”
“Never,” he fires back straight away. “Whatever you think of yourself, I think the exact opposite. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You are my strong, proud, and beautiful Emily. No matter distance, time or personality changes we go through, you are mine and I am yours. I’m sick of fighting it. I’m sick of waiting to claim what has always been mine, what will always be mine.”
Rattled to the core, I’m once again shocked by his words. That’s what it will be then, left for him to find out on his own. And when he leaves, I will know it’s because he saw what has grown and festered for so long, my ugly, scarred soul.
Kanye takes in my resigned expression and cups my cheek.
“Baby, I love the woman inside here." He touches my chest over my heart. "I love her spirit, her sarcastic nature, her fucking beautiful positivity. And although you haven't shown those things, I know they are in there."
"Walk away, Kanye. Just leave me be and don't look back," I whisper; however, at the same time, I turn my face into his comforting hand. I’m begging him to leave, but my body is unable to let him go.
"I can't,” he says softly. "And I never will. I’m here through thick and thin. I’m here to save that beautiful, bruised soul of yours.”
I finally let my tears go and sobs soon follow. Kanye catches me as I fall to the stairs. He cradles me in his arms as I say over and over again, “You will leave. You will leave. You will leave. And then I won’t have a soul at all.”
Kanye rocks me and matches my repeated words, “I love you. I love you. I love you. I’ll save your soul.”
A small icicle breaks off from my heart. I try to catch it before it falls, but it shatters into a million pieces. That small part of my heart is exposed and the pain is excruciating. Slithers of emotions seep in through the gap. He loves me. He will understand. He will always love me. Until he sees me for who I really am. Doubt creeps in and washes over me repeatedly until my breath is stolen and I’m drowning in it. I can’t risk it. I’ve lost too much of myself already.
I push away from Kanye and quickly climb the stairs. I race into my room, rip my clothes from my body, and climb into the shower. I sink to the floor and cry into the water.
Echoes of my broken heart surround me in the small bathroom. I wonder if God is watching, he knows what he has done to me. What his decided fate has put me through. I beg him to give a reprieve, to give me hope.
***
Kanye
I watch as the love of my life runs from me yet again. But I won’t let her. I follow her up the stairs and watch as she strips her clothes, rushes into the shower and drops her body to the floor, crying into the water.
Her sobs echo around the room. My lungs constrict and I struggle to breathe at hearing my girl in so much pain.
Every day she fights me, I fail. This is my purpose on earth, to be with this woman, protect her, and create a life where she can be happy, but I’ve failed.
I sink to the floor, my back against the wall next to the shower and I place my hand on the glass where Emmy rests her body.
I sit, touching the glass that’s touching the love of my life and pray to God to give her strength and courage to keep fighting her demons. And to give me the strength to keep saving her.
I bow my head, while my palm stays flat to her back. I take in every cry. I take it on. I inhale her pain, hoping it gives her a lighter burden to carry around.
Her cries slow and almost stop. I want to think it’s because she can feel me here, but I don’t dare get my hopes up.
***
Emily
After being in the shower for a long time. I turn the water off and turn around expecting to see Kanye there. I swear I could feel him in the room with me. Maybe my prayers were answered and God zapped me with a last dose of strength to help me get through a moment I felt would never end. But what about the next moment.
I exit the shower and wrap a towel around my body. My mind screams at me to cut. No! I grab hold of the bench and push my palms down painfully hard. Let this be enough. Please, don’t go there again. I push down on the bench harder, a sharp cramp runs through my hands and up my arms. I let go of the bench and rub my palms together. I stare down at the draw I know holds the shavers. My fingers itch to open the draw and pick one up.
My reflection in the mirror catches my eyes. My pathetic, worthless self staring back at me.
“You worthless piece of shit. As if any other man would want you anyway. You’re used goods. Nobody wants dirty second hand trash.
I pull at my hair and hiss to the mirror. “Stop it! You aren’t here. You don’t control me anymore.”
Without one more single thought, I open the draw and pick out a shaver. I snap the plastic away. Cutting my thumb in the process, but I don’t feel the cut, I only see it. I pull the razor free and run my cut thumb over the blade, slicing my cut even deeper. I breathe out with relief. I control this cut. It’s mine and mine al
one to create, to heal or to keep cutting deeper.
I take a step back and sit on the toilet lid. I pull the towel up and lean my foot on the shower glass window. I bend my knee to the side slightly and there they are, out in the open, all my cuts. Three long lines.
I point the blade side on ready to cut down the second line. I slice the end of the sore open, and as soon as I feel the skin part my pulse races and my mind clears, but it doesn’t last long. I watch as blood bubbles to the surface and shame rolls through me like a tidal wave. Usually, this is where I keep cutting to keep the feeling of my heart accelerating and my mind clearing. However, this time the shame is like thunder rumbling through my body. My hands tremble. My throat grows thick and I hear roaring in my ears from my pounding heart. Shame, I’m filled with it.
What am I doing? What have I done to myself? I’m letting the devil win. I’m helping him. At that moment, the bathroom door opens and I’m frozen. The door doesn’t even open fast, it opens painstakingly slowly, to the point I’m screaming in my mind to hide the blade, to hide the scars, but part of me, a stronger part than my mind wants to get caught, wants to be found out.
But I’m not ready for the hurt and fear that crosses his features. That look has my leg lowering and me cowering on the floor in between the toilet and the shower, hiding myself, hiding my secret. Praying he disappears, knowing he won’t, but still stupidly hoping.
Silence stretches on for what feels like forever. It's torture. I wish to hear the door slam shut as Kanye realizes how far gone and broken I truly am.
The slam never comes. Instead, his strong, warm arms pick me up and carry me to the bed where he sits me in his lap as he leans against the headboard and he cries into my neck.
His gruff voice vibrates through my body. “Hold me, Emmy. Hold me so I don’t destroy everything in this fucking room.”
With shaking hands, I drop the razor to the bed and wrap my arms around his body. Kanye’s silent tears fall on my naked shoulders.