by Evie Harper
“Fuck, you're good, you know that? Christ, some days I’m scared shitless that your words are true, that you really do want me to move on. But seeing that,” he points to the room above us, “seeing you jealous, fuck, that feels good,” he says with a frustrated laugh.
I stare at him with a blank expression. I’m exhausted. Lying, pretending, it’s all so tiring.
“I saw you rubbing your necklace when you saw me talking to the woman. For one fucking second just admit it, Emmy. You want me as much as I want you. Stop pretending to be this person you’re not, and for one moment, you might actually remember what it’s like to be yourself, and not this woman who thinks she knows what’s best for everyone else,” he ends on a yell.
“Kanye, me touching my necklace means nothing. It’s just a necklace. You can talk to whomever you want,” I lie.
My necklace is everything to me. It represents who I was when I had a future. It’s a time in my life when everything was perfect and it reminds me that at some point in my existence, Kanye and I had a future.
“Bullshit, Emily. I know you. Your necklace means a lot more to you than you’re willing to reveal. Christ, just admit it!” Kanye shouts, frustration lacing his tone, but it’s the desperation that breaks my heart.
Argh! I hate he knows me so well. I want to prove him wrong, just this once. I rip the necklace from my neck and hold it out to him.
“Take it then. It means nothing to me.” I’m shaking. I’m not actually going to give it to him, I could never part with my rose.
Kanye jerks back as if I’ve just slapped him. Then quick as a flash it’s ripped from my hand; Kanye swings his arm back and my rose is thundering through the air straight at the wall. I don’t even hear the clash that should come with glass smashing against a wall. I feel my knees hit the ground, but I just keep staring at the shattered glass and ripped petals on the floor.
Kanye rushes to the glass and starts picking up the shredded rose petals. “Fuck!” he bellows to the shattered glass. Look what my doubts and fears have done to him. He’s on his knees picking up nine-year-old rose petals.
“Stop,” I whisper. “You’re right.”
Kanye’s eyes dart to me and I watch as anguish crosses his features. He’s ready for the rejection and that makes my heart splinter in two, once again seeing the pain I have put him through.
“You want the truth? Here it is. Yes, Kanye, I want you. I want you more than the dirt desires the rain. I need you. You give me reason to breathe, to live, to grow into the person I hope I can still be. I hope every day you can find the Emmy I used to be. I’m tired of running and turning away from you. I don't want to say goodbye to the only man I will ever love. I don't think I can live without you.”
“You don’t have to, Emmy. You will never have to say goodbye to me. Ever.”
“But I do. All I do is hurt you. Don’t you see, you just left a party where you were laughing and having a good time with a normal woman. And where are you now Kanye? With me in a dark room, hurting. Begging a broken and unworthy woman to give you a chance.”
“Stop!” he roars.
I shut my mouth shaking my head. He asks for the truth, yet he won’t accept it.
Kanye stands up from the broken glass and shredded petals, and comes to me. He kneels in front of me, his expression soft, however his lips are tightly pressed together with his brows creasing from the determination in his eyes.. “Our life will be filled with smiles. We will be happy, Emmy. Even if it fucking kills me, we will be. These are our dark days, baby, but they won’t last forever.” His tone is full of desperation and pleading.
“This darkness lives within me. It’s not going away, Kanye. If I let us happen, I’m committing you to the same horrible fate. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t want to scratch my skin raw to eradicate the feeling of those bastards on me. Do you want to see that for the rest of your life: the woman you love, struggling to breathe every day? Knowing you can’t help her.”
“I want whatever life you can give me, Emmy. You haven’t even let me try to help you. How do you know that’s not exactly what you need? I will save you every time you want to die. I will pick you up every time I see a frown on your beautiful face. I will tell you how amazing you are, every day for the rest of my life, until my dying day. There is no beginning and no end without you. I believe the dark will pass.”
I say the words I know will stop him from living in a fantasy world. “I won’t have children, Kanye.”
“I will sacrifice that for you,” Kanye speaks without missing a beat. His words are strained and his eyes go glassy.
A loud cry bursts from my mouth and it echoes all around the empty room. It bounces off the intense waves surrounding us as we fight for each other—me to let Kanye go, and Kanye to hold on to me.
“Can you see it now? That I will do whatever it takes to be with you.”
I nod. “I’m scared I’m dooming you to my nightmare,” I say through my sobs.
“I’m with you or I’m wasting my life away waiting for you. Just try, for me, Emmy, please.”
Sobs rip from my chest as my walls crumble and my well-constructed defense waves its white flag and I finally let Kanye in.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Kanye picks me up off the floor, carries me to his car and drives us home. Home. I can say that now. Our home. Weight lifts off my shoulders as I decide to move forward in my life with Kanye by my side. No more fighting to save him. He’s determined to go down with me. Maybe Lily’s right. Maybe if we fight, together we can make it. We can come to a place in our life that’s bearable. I don’t think I’ll ever be whole, but if I can just find the halfway mark, it might be enough to give Kanye the life he deserves.
On the ride home, he calls my dad to tell him we had to leave. We arrive home and Kanye comes around to my side. He takes my hand and walks me inside. We go straight to the bedroom and shower together. Nothing sexual, just the need to wipe away the day’s heartache and comfort each other.
We dry ourselves and lay in bed, naked together in each other’s arms. The difference between gentle touches and the harsh ones I have come to know reminds me of my past. Dark memories flitter around my mind, but I push them away. They don’t belong here. I’m safe, loved and wanted.
My fingers have itched to touch Kanye ever since I came back. Now, he’s in my arms, free to touch wherever I want. I slide my fingers into his hair and Kanye looks down at me at the same time. The yearning swirling in his gorgeous blue eyes gives me the permission I’m looking for.
Kanye glides his arms around my waist and pulls me up toward him. I kiss him. Immediately, he opens for me and my tongue slides into his mouth. I moan at tasting the delicious combination of Kanye and beer.
Kanye’s hand moves down my body and rests just above my clit. My heart speeds up. I’m desperate for him to touch it, to touch me.
Kanye’s head drops to my neck and in a rough voice he says, “Emmy, I want to touch every part of your body tonight. I want to caress your gorgeous ass. I want to cup and squeeze your beautiful tits and most of all I want to touch and taste your pussy, my pussy. If you don’t want that, tell me and we can go slowly. Wait until you’re ready. What do you want, baby?”
“Oh, my God,” I breathe against Kanye’s ear. “I need you so badly, Kanye. I want you to do all of those things to me, right now.” I rub my sensitive clit against his thigh. My body is in hyper drive and it needs a release now.
“Jesus, Emmy, thank God. I need you so fucking badly right now.” Kanye’s voice is even rougher this time when he speaks and is thick with relief.
His hand lowers and he cups my pussy, the whole thing with his large, warm calloused hand. He tightens his hand on my heat and growls into my neck. “Mine.”
I inhale sharply and my eyes go glassy.
Kanye leaves his hand cupping my pussy as he strokes my clit with his thumb. My body ignites at the first swirl of his finger. My nerve endings going off like fireworks.
&
nbsp; Kanye pulls back from my neck and stares down into my eyes while I breathe out in ecstasy from his powerful but gentle strokes on my clit. It’s not long before my hips buck and my orgasm builds fast.
“You like that, Emmy?” Kanye asks against my mouth as he kisses the corners of my lips and around my jaw.
I realize my fingers are still in his hair and grasp on tightly to his strands to show Kanye how much I’m liking what he’s doing. He sucks my neck at the same time he speeds up his circles and strokes on my clit.
“Fuck, Emmy, you’re so beautiful. I would never forget how stunning you look when I had my hands on you and when you’re about to come, but my memory didn’t do you justice.”
I take in Kanye’s raspy, sexy words, but I can’t respond. I can’t do anything except feel the delicious sensation running up my legs and straight to my clit.
Kanye pulls his hand away and my head shoots up to find out why, but before the protest sitting on my lips escapes, Kanye’s mouth is on me and he is sucking and licking my clit. My hips buck once again from the amazing sensation. I grasp the bed sheets as the orgasm rebuilds.
“Kanye,” I pant, my hips pushing my pussy as far into his mouth as they can. I whimper as the explosion is about to hit. My pussy contracts and pleasure slams into me as I scream out Kanye’s name.
I come out of my blissful fog and find Kanye grinning down at me. He sits back on his haunches and strokes his cock. I whimper at the sight. We used to touch ourselves in front of each other and get off on watching the other. Our sex life never lacked anything. Kanye and I were perfect for each other in so many ways.
“You ready for me to take you, Emmy?”
“Yes,” I breathe out, unable to take my eyes from his hand stroking his hard cock.
“Do you want me to use a condom, baby?”
That question instantly pulls me from my sex-induced coma. Does he want to use a condom? We never did before. I was always on the pill. I’ve been on the pill for the past five years. It was the one thing I thanked God for. During the parties, the women had to be on the pill and the men had to wear condoms. Does Kanye think I’m dirty?
“Emmy,” Kanye says my name ever so gently that my eyes swing to his instantly.
“I’m clean,” I blurt out. “I went to the doctor remember, when I came back.” I start moving from the bed; I’m retreating. My confidence has plummeted.
I don’t move far before Kanye has his arm wrapped around my waist and he hauls me back to the bed on my back, hovering over me.
“Baby, I know. Jesus, I love you, Emmy, I wouldn’t care if you went to a doctor, and I trust you. Going bareback with you is fucking heaven. I’m talking about what you said earlier. You don’t want kids, which means we should probably be extra careful. What do you think?”
“Oh,” is all that comes out. He’s respecting my wishing about not wanting to have children. I’ve ruined the moment, the whole night. My stupid insecurities and doubts. “I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined the night.” I turn my head to the side, unable to look at Kanye anymore. And then I hear him chuckle and my head swings back to see what he finds so funny. He’s smiling at me and I narrow my eyes at him.
“Emmy, I’ve waited five fucking years to be inside your pussy again. You did not ruin anything over one sentence that can easily be forgotten because it’s not important. Not as important as we are.”
I nod slowly while my heart pounds against my chest. It’s a good pound; it’s my heart telling me he’s amazing and I’m the luckiest woman in the world.
“I’ll wear the condom tonight and we can talk about it more another time, okay?”
I nod again, unable to speak. I’m too focused on staring at this amazing man of mine. Mine.
Kanye positions himself between my legs. I wrap them around his waist. He grasps the base of his cock and positions it at my entrance. My breathing accelerates as I impatiently wait for him to push inside me.
He does, slowly and gently. I moan in pleasure as the glorious length of him fills me. He stops when he’s all the way in and looks down at me. His eyes are asking me if I’m okay, but I’m frustrated. I want him to push me like he used to, not treat me like something that may break at any minute.
“Kanye, I need you to move. Don’t treat me like glass. I’m not going to break. I want what we use to have; raw, beautiful fucking which always fell into lovemaking. I want that right now.”
At my words, Kanye kisses me hard. My mouth opens and we devour each other. He thrusts in and out in blissful strokes. I moan into his mouth and Kanye pulls back, breathing heavily as he keeps pumping into me vigorously. Whimpers fall from my lips as another orgasm builds.
My eyes close as my legs begin to tremble, pleasure and heat attacks every inch of my body. “Yes,” I breathe out. “Harder.”
Kanye does as I ask and slams into me harder and faster. His growls spur my orgasm to breaking point.
“This is beautiful,” I whisper.
“No, I’m looking at real beauty right now, baby.”
I open my eyes to Kanye starting down at me. My fingers tighten their grip on his shoulders as the wave of pleasure rolls through me. My back arches and I scream out in ecstasy.
As the waves slowly roll away, Kanye buries his face into my neck and growls against my sweat glistened skin as he thrusts in a few more times, then slows and stops. He bites my shoulder and then sucks the bite and kisses it.
“Mine,” he states loudly. “My beautiful girl is home,” he whispers the last part into my neck.
My heart swells and tears fall from my eyes. I am home.
I softly say what’s been on the tip of my tongue since I’ve been home. I say the words I can never take back. There will be no turning around, no hiding away and no trying to save him from my dark and corrupted world. Now, we are in this together.
“I love you, Kanye.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
It’s been a three weeks since I gave into Kanye. The first week was full of passionate sex and heated arguments. At times, I shut him out. I didn’t mean to. It’s just wired into me to deal with my own problems and process the nightmares on my own, and Kanye can easily see when some moments are a struggle for me.
Three days into our new relationship, the urge to cut was great. I found myself in the bathroom begging myself not to pick up the razor. I noticed Kanye come into my vision on the left and I tried to relax my body, looking around the bathroom pretending to search for something.
“Emmy, what’s going on?” It’s easy to hear his anxiety.
I cross my arms, rub my biceps and say, “Nothing, I’m just going to have a shower.”
I extend my arm out and swing the bathroom door closed but I hear a thump and then the door opens back up. Kanye stands there in the doorway, narrowing his eyes at me.
“Bullshit, Emmy, tell me what the fuck is going on? You looked like you were about to rip the fucking basin from its stand.” His voice goes from anxiety to concern quickly.
“I just need a minute,” I say softly.
“Fuck that. You promised you would try, Emmy. Tell me what’s going on up in that beautiful head of yours.”
I move back two steps and sit on the toilet lid.
“I’m just having a bad day, that’s all,” I say.
“I can see that, Emmy,” Kanye states gently. “But you have to tell me when you have these moments, baby. I need to be here to help you. If not for you, then do it for me, Emily. It kills me to think of you going through this on your own.” Kanye’s voice is thick with emotion and the sound tears at my heart.
I nod slowly. Anxious at speaking the words that have been locked up in my mind for so long. Every night in the dark, Kanye has asked me to tell him something about the last five years. I’ve kept it to mostly how I felt during those times and not what was actually done to me. But the nightmare from last night and the memories swirling in my mind right now are far from what I want Kanye to know about me. Something I never want him ever to have
to visualize.
“Tell me, baby. Tell me so you can get it out.”
I look up to Kanye. My vision blurs from my glassy eyes, but I hold strong and don’t let any fall.
“I love you,” I say with trembling lips.
Kanye cups my cheeks with his warms hands and says, “I know you do, Emmy, and I love you more than anything in this world.”
I take a big breath in and my lip quivers. “Then you need to understand I can’t share it all with you. I don’t want you knowing it all, Kanye. I don’t want these memories or thoughts in your head.” I tap his temple. “I want to share with you how I felt, how I dealt with it. But I need you to trust me when I say telling you what was done to me, won’t help me move on. It will only hurt us both.” I look into his eyes and observe as he processes my words.
“I understand, Emmy. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I just want to help you, and if that is the best way to help you, then consider it done. I’ll listen to you and not push for more.”
I let out a huge breath.
“Thank you,” I softly say before kissing him. We end the kiss and I see the question in his eyes; am I okay? Has the moment passed?
“I had a nightmare last night. They aren’t nightmares which have me waking up in a fright. I just wake up in the morning and those memories associated with the bad dream are the first thing I think of and they stick with me throughout the day.”
Unwelcome tears fall down my cheeks as I explain to Kanye the feelings these memories evoke in me.
“The thought of being left to the dark all on my own... the belief of being deserted... the knowledge that no one is listening... desperation to give up... it’s all so familiar and I know how easy it is to go numb. It’s much more bearable than feeling the pain.”
I dash my tears away roughly. “I lie to myself too easily. Telling myself I was coming to our room to stop myself from cutting. Yet I ended up in the one place I knew where the razors were. I’m desperate to clear my mind of these memories and cutting does that for me. But remembering the hurt on your face when you saw how far I had gone, that stops me every time. Still, I want to learn to stop for myself, not for someone else.”