So, what to do?
Well, you have to start saying F**k It to those voices and that programming. Because it is a form of programming. You can see that with what was happening in D Block. If you’re told perpetually that you’re not doing well enough, then of course you start to believe that you’re not doing well enough. In fact, what happens for most of us is that we internalize the external voices over time. So there’s a good chance that the things you tell yourself all day long are actually other people’s voices you’ve internalized. It’s true, isn’t it? If you listen hard enough to the nonsense that goes on in your brain every day, you can actually recognize the source of some of those voices. Oh, yes, that’s my dad’s voice all right, or that’s my ma, or that’s Aunt Mabel, or that’s Mr. Pipkins.
Start to say F**k It to those negative voices and influences. Then the key to healing is in the very phrase ‘self-doubt.’ What’s the opposite of doubt? Trust? So replace self-doubt with self-trust. Start to trust what you feel more. Start to trust that what you do IS good enough. Learn to tune into what’s actually going on for you. Learn to tune in to what you actually want to do. Learn to tune in to what you actually think is the right thing to do in a situation.
And to do this tuning in, we need to say F**k It to those voices and messages from outside – and all the bits that have seeped into our brains.
For example:
You love music. And, 20 years ago, at school, you used to play the piano. And you’ve realized that you’d like to start playing again… because you used to love it.
Thing is, they didn’t think you were up to much. The piano teacher seemed to prefer other pupils and always put you down. So you gave it up and never thought any more about it. Until now…
And, as you realize that you’d like to start playing again, you think, Don’t be silly, you were never any good at that, why would you want to do it now?
So, here’s the trick: recognize it’s the voice of your piano teacher, internalized. Say F**k It to that voice. And listen to (TRUST) that other voice within you that says ‘I’d love to play the piano again, I used to really love it.’ With consciousness, you can differentiate between these voices. With trust, you can start to break through the thick old walls of self-doubt. And with a frequent F**k It to those voices, you can move rapidly from self-doubt into perpetual self-trust instead.
BREAKING THROUGH THE WALL OF LACK OF CONSCIOUSNESS
The unconscious prisoners in E Block never try to escape because they’re not even aware they’re in prison, just as they’re not aware that many of the prisoners are mere projections. They don’t examine anything. They are as uncurious about what’s around them as they are about what’s going on inside their heads. They blindly follow. They go through the motions. They’re slaves to what they’re told, just as they are slaves to what they feel. The odd E-Block prisoner occasionally goes bonkers because he or she has no idea what’s going on inside. So the unconsciously suppressed rage occasionally bursts out. The unconscious E-Block prisoner is a human machine, susceptible to programming, but prone to malfunction because of its unsophisticated circuitry.
But it’s no surprise that E-Blockers are as they are, and that many of us are like them. It takes a lot to be conscious, to be fully conscious. It’s easier to follow instructions from parents, schools, society, and the media. It’s easier to toe the line, follow the herd, keep your head down, and not think too much. It’s easier to ignore any difficult feelings and switch on the TV instead. It’s easier to keep your mouth shut than to tell the (often uncomfortable) truth. It’s easier to subtly dissemble than to be straight and clear. It’s easier to skirt around the issue than to tackle it head on. It’s easier to stay in a job or a relationship you can’t bear than face the harsh reality of an unfulfilling life, and the grim, cold possibility of finding an alternative. Better the devil you know. It’s easier to stay in your warm comfort zone. It’s easier to keep quiet than stand up and speak out. It’s easier to put up and shut up. It’s easier to follow than to lead.
After all, who do you think you are, thinking you know better, that you’ve got a right to tell me the ‘truth’? Who are you to step out of line, to make a scene, to upset the apple cart? Things are fine as they are. Your kind isn’t needed around here. We’re happy, as we are, thank you very much.
It takes a lot to be conscious. Being conscious involves looking at yourself, who you are, what you are, what you do in the cold light of day – and facing the facts of what you see. Being conscious involves looking around at what’s going on, at what people are doing – and facing the facts of what you see. Being conscious involves telling it how it is, when you think you know how it is. It means speaking your mind, no matter what the consequences. Being conscious involves a constant examination of what’s going on – and being clear about it. It means facing the facts no matter how unpalatable those facts might seem.
And they often are unpalatable. Because the reason most of us go unconscious in the first place is because the facts of who we are, what we feel, and what’s going on around us are too unpalatable to face head on.
So being conscious means facing things head on.
And that takes courage.
And it can feel a bit cold and tough, because it is sometimes cold and tough out there in the conscious world.
And here’s how it softens, and becomes warmer…
When you do finally face the facts, however difficult that might seem, and you feel the pain of facing those facts, things do – eventually – become easier. You come to terms with things. You find your peace with things. You find your peace with yourself, however you are, whatever you do. You find your peace with the world around you, however it is, whatever it’s doing. The facts, when initially confronted, are very difficult to look straight in the eyes. When you do look at them, it’s uncomfortable; it can be painful. But after a while, you see the eyes softening and you soften, and you might even see love deep in those eyes that you were so afraid to look into. Because in everything we think we might find difficult, deep down, there is love. That’s hard to imagine now. And it’s hard to see at first.
But before you see love, when you start to become more conscious and face those facts, you start to feel freer. Yes, you think you’ve been feeling okay when you’ve shut your eyes to the facts, gone unconscious, and done whatever it’s taken to block it out (suppressed, ignored, watched TV, eaten huge amounts of food, been polite, not mentioned anything, gotten drunk, taken drugs, stayed in line, kept your head down, etc., etc.,). The chocolate cake and the warm bath were lovely, weren’t they? But the problem didn’t go away, did it? In fact, it’s not just that the un-faced problems and issues don’t go away, they multiply, because they want your attention. And when you give them attention, that’s when they soften, and you see the love.
Staying conscious takes guts. You have to say F**k It again and again. Because your instinct will be to ignore and go unconscious. Say ‘F**k It, I will face the facts. Say ‘F**k It, I will face the facts of myself and my life, and of life out there.’ It takes a tough, clench-your-fists type of F**k It to do this. But it’s worth it.
And F**k It has its two sides, of course. F**k It is always about drawing on the courage within you and really going for it, AND it’s about giving up when it’s too much. So, in your pursuit of greater consciousness, do fall back at times into the warmth of unconsciousness. There’s nothing like chilling out, tuning out, blocking it out, sleeping it out when you’ve had your fill of facing the facts.
Just don’t make a life out of it.
Say F**k It and make yours a conscious life.
BREAKING THROUGH THE WALL OF PERFECTIONISM
You have in your hands the product of perfectionists (assuming at this moment that you’re holding this book, of course. If you’re reading this on an iThing, then you’ll also have the product of one of the world’s most famous perfectionists in your hands, of course. RIP. Though I can’t imagine Mr. Jobs is resting, or i
n peace, up there. He’s probably gotten to work on a whole host of stuff in Heaven. It’s only a matter of time before someone in Brazil experiences a sign from God that is cooler, simpler, and more powerful than any previous sign from God. Everyone will flock to Brazil to experience one of God’s new signs. But God isn’t flooding the market with Signs. He likes to keep His flock wanting more Signs. And even those who’ve experienced this year’s Signs, when He appears again with new and better Signs, they’ll be happy to trade in their previous experience of His Signs on eBay in an attempt to experience one of the new Signs. But will anyone recognize the hand of Jobs in the Signs of the hand of God? Not at first. But after a few years, an article appears in a small provincial newspaper in a rural backwater in France – well, surely it must be a practical joke – but the carved wooden statue of Madonna in the local church changed subtly overnight… in her outstretched, upturned palm (clearly in supplication to the Lord) was a carved, wooden… apple.
We F-Blockers are perfectionists. We spent months just planning this book. We spent one month just getting the cover right. We worked 16-hour days writing it, drawing it, checking it, and adjusting it. We threw out many ideas. We threw out many chapters. We had many late nights and early mornings (it’s currently 5:30 am). We wouldn’t let anything in the book or about the book go out without us checking it, adjusting it, and approving it. And hopefully you’re enjoying the fruits of that perfectionism. We hope it’s better because of our unending pursuit to make this expression of F**k It Therapy the very best we could make it.
So, assuming that you’re enjoying the book, and it’s genuinely helpful and inspiring for you, why would you (if you, too, are a perfectionist), want to ‘break through the walls of perfectionism?’ Why would we want to break free of our perfectionism, when it seems to create such good results?
Well, working 16-hour days has its effects. I (and this is John, deliberately excluding Gaia, because it applies more to me than her) haven’t seen my boys for a week. When I’m fully stretched writing at home, I can be grouchy, moody, distracted, and stroppy. I am not that pleasant to be around when I’m up against a deadline or want my way about something. And I usually do want my way. I think I know best how things should look, or sound, or be expressed, or presented. I think I know best about a lot of things. And that makes me a pain in the backside sometimes.
Of course, that’s not all I am, and I’m not like that all of the time. But I can be like that, and I’m just exposing the worst of me so you really get the picture. That side of me justifies such behaviors by alluding to the people on this planet who do really great things and achieve great success in what they want to do. They’re often not very pleasant people to be around, to work with, or for. I’m probably much nicer than they are actually (mainly because I’ve largely figured out the ‘conscious’ thing). But still, I can be darned unpleasant at times.
So all that is a reason to look at perfectionism and whether it’s really a prison you could do with breaking out of.
One option, of course, is to say F**k It and give up your obsessive drive for excellence. Decide it’s not worth the hassle, the pain, the arguments, the tiredness, the frustration, the people you upset. No matter how successful you are or how brilliant your designs, creations, and projects, it’s just not worth it. Become friends with the enemy, ‘good’ and abandon the ‘best.’ Get away more. Spend more time with the kids. Delegate more. Drop your principles. Get out of the office. Join the mediocre club: it’s full, but its members are much more relaxed.
This takes a big F**k It, but it’s possible. You have to say F**k It to a lot of things that have become very natural to you. But the new stuff that suddenly fills your life has to be more important to you than the drive you’re leaving behind.
I have tried this route. And it worked, to a degree. But it’s not for me.
Next option: become very good at saying ‘no.’ Only commit to a very few things. That way, you get to do everything yourself, you get to work hard in bursts. You get to stay in control, have your way. You manage to create exactly what you want, to the level you want. This means saying F**k It to many opportunities. Because you’re a perfectionist, you’re probably very good at what you do, so you get lots of offers to do more.
The whole F**k It thing has done very well, and is getting bigger all the time. And this success means we’ve had lots of offers to do great things. We’ve had invitations to do workshops and retreats all over the world; we’ve had offers to write articles and books, etc., etc. We’ve learned to say ‘no’ – no matter how tempting the offer – if we know it’ll be too much for us. We’ve learned that this tiny word, ‘no,’ is a very powerful tool for making one’s perfectionism manageable. Three great words, then: ‘F**k It. No.’ Okay, with four, you’re really cruising: ‘F**k It. No, thanks.’
And it’s not just the offers we get from other people. We have so many ideas about new things we could do. So we have to say ‘no’ a lot to ourselves and to each other, too. We only say ‘yes’ to ideas that really excite us. The ones we think would also really excite everyone else – which is why we made ‘F**k It Chocolate’ happen. I love chocolate. And I have to say F**k It when I eat chocolate. So, to create a bar of delicious organic chocolate with ‘F**k It, Eat Chocolate’ on the label thrills me.2
That’s one option – and the one we usually go for. It still requires bursts of hard work, and the occasional stint of relentless effort (such as writing this book), but that’s the balance… it’s worth it because of the satisfaction we get from the product and its effect on other people… the hundreds of emails we receive saying ‘thanks’ remind us that, yes, it’s worth it.
Next option: find very (very) good people to help you. Find the very best in their field. Be willing to pay more for people who will give you more. Learn how to delegate, nurture, mentor, and teach other people to do what you do. Invest time in finding the best people to help you, and invest time in helping them develop in their role. You’re probably after perfectionists.
Find people who are better than you at some of the things you do. That, itself, takes some guts. Perfectionists want to be the best. So it is, in a peculiar way, more comfortable to be surrounded by people who aren’t so great at their jobs: it confirms your view that you’re the best, and ‘if you want a thing done well, do it yourself.’ Your ego is boosted, but so are your stress levels. Better to find people who are better than you.
We’re lucky to work with amazing people, and people who are better than we are at certain things. To name just a few amazing people: Hay House, our publishers; Rachel and Saul at F**k It HQ, who support us in everything we do; Marc Wisbey, who looks after all things web for us. Kate at Kdot Online for getting us talked about; Sue Okell for getting the F**k It Therapy online course out there1; Andrea for his design genius. Simone for his musical genius; and everyone else who helps us in one way or another.
We now go for the last two options mentioned above, and it feels like a good balance. And if things ever get out of balance, we just F**k It to get the balance back. That’s the point of F**k It actually – whichever side you end up on, when things feel out of balance, F**k It gets the balance back.
1 Find a link to the F**k It Therapy online course at www.thefuckitlife.com/extras.
2 And F**k It Chocolate can thrill you too. It’s available in the F**k It Shop at www.thefuckitlife.com
BREAKING THROUGH THE WALL OF LACK OF IMAGINATION
Now, I intentionally, and rather joyfully, went off on one1 when I was writing about Simeon and his plastic fork when I was writing about G Block. Because if I let my imagination run away with me, it really does. It runs away with me to magical kingdoms where fairies work in nail bars and bankers have to clean one public toilet for every one percent of bonus they earn. Upon hearing news of this banker ‘tax,’ shares in high-quality cleaning fluid company ‘FLUSHED’ went through the roof.
I generally don’t go off on one. When I’m writing, I like to
stick to the point. Sure, I’ll make the point in as entertaining a way as possible. But still, I prefer to stick to the point.
In life, too, I like to live my life as entertainingly as possible, but I still tend to stick to the point (the point being usually something like: get up; get the boys washed, fed, and off to school; deal with emails; deal with business; eat something; exercise a bit; do some more emails and a bit of Facebook; eat something else; hang out with family; watch something diverting; and go to bed. Overall point? To support my family, to enjoy it, and to get liberating messages out there occasionally through words and music.)
But sometimes I have to go off on one.
I especially have to go off on one if I somehow feel trapped again (by any of our prison qualities, such as ‘believing it’s real,’ for example), or have wandered off my point (by, for example, doing stuff that I don’t really want to do).
And if you’re in prison somehow, however you’re trapped, ‘going off on one’ could be just the thing you need to do because being trapped is almost always accompanied by the lack of imagination to get out, as we saw in G Block.
If I had a piece of milk chocolate with little toffee pieces for every time someone has said to me: ‘I’m really unhappy in my job, but I’ve got no idea what else to do,’ I’d be a very happy man.
No, let me correct that, sorry:
If I had a piece of milk chocolate with little toffee pieces, and could eat them all without putting on any weight or getting an uncomfortable sugar high or a headache or anything, for every time someone has said to me: ‘I’m really unhappy in my job, but I’ve got no idea what else to do,’ I’d be a very happy man.
Please people, say F**k It, and USE YOUR IMAGINATION. Have a glass of wine or a beer if you need to. Have a candlelit bath, if that’s your thing. Men, wear women’s underwear if that’s what relaxes you. Women, watch a movie about war if that’s what relaxes you. But find some time and some space to use your imagination.
F**k It Therapy Page 9