You’re sitting on your sofa, eating Häagen-Dazs all day, getting fat. You don’t know what to do with your life. And you can’t be arsed1. You like to sleep. You like to smoke weed. You watch the TV for 12 hours non-stop. You go to sleep with the TV on. You have no idea what job you’d like to do. So you drift from dead-end job to dead-end job.
That’s not you, is it? No. Well, not most of you, anyway. I know, because we get lots of e-mails. And they’re usually from stress monkeys who’ve become chilled chimps with the help of F**k It. We don’t get many e-mails saying:
Yo J&G,
Just dropping you this missive(ile?) to say THANKS, dudes. I was like really down, totally out of it, high on smack most of the time, down on Dazs the rest of the time. But your F**k It message really pulled me up, man. I wouldn’t be where I am now without you.
Where am I? McKinsey’s no less. Suited, booted, and loaded2. Top dog in ‘change management’ and there’s no change in my six-digit pay packet, just notes, and big ones.
Cheers,
Alex Jermin-Smithe
Maybe this is you.
You’ve somehow drifted into a life that isn’t yours. You had plenty of dreams, so how did you end up in this job, with that man/woman, living in this town? It doesn’t make any sense. Where did it all go wrong? Is it because you were scared of failing, that you didn’t go for it? Is it because it felt like the best option at the time – everyone else took that route, so you did, too? But now, you don’t know what to do, where to go. You’ve no idea what you should be doing; you just know this is not it. You hope to God this is not it, anyway.
This direction of F**k It is for those of us who’ve gotten stuck in a rut, lost our way, forgotten our dreams, settled for the safe route, listened too much to what others wanted for us, rather than what we ourselves really wanted.
This direction doesn’t allow us to slow down, let go, relax, and give up.
This direction kicks us in the arse and says ‘Go on, life is short, get moving, follow your dreams, this is not a rehearsal, get the f**k on with it.’
It takes courage. It takes grit. It takes a good deal of energy, and sometimes a burst of adrenalin. But sometimes there’s nothing else to do but to take the plunge, to say:
‘F**k It, I will go for it.’
It sometimes looks like this: jumping from the nine-to-five ship and setting up your own business; selling your own business and becoming a cobbler in a tiny village on the coast; signing on to an online dating agency and finding the man/woman/sheep of your dreams (note to self: investigate sheep dating agency possibility, GSOH – Good Sense of Humor – becomes GSOW – Good Sense of Wooliness); dumping your boring partner; telling your bullying boss to go F**k himself; finally writing that novel; finally making that trip; finally taking those (language, piano, tantra) lessons, etc., etc.
Passion
If you love something, please go and do it.
If you hate something in your life, please go and change it.
If you love yoga and want to become a yoga teacher, and do yoga all day long, do it. Train, teach, and find other people who love it.
If you hate your job and you truly can’t stand another day of it, go change it.
If you want a relationship, be honest with yourself, and go find one.
If you are not happy with your lot, throw your life upside-down and do everything differently.
If you want to meditate all day long, do it.
If you love sex, have as much as you can get.
If you want to set up a business and become super-successful and super-rich, then go do it.
If you do it because you need to demonstrate to yourself that you are good enough and that your life has meaning, still do it. I will certainly not be able to stop you; those are the most motivating forces in life.
But please remember that, whatever you go for, if you are lucky enough you may eventually realize that it means f**k all if you are good enough or not, and that life doesn’t need meaning to happen.
In that realization, a partner, a career, yoga, meditation, or sex make no difference at all.
So you may as well follow your passion and do what you fancy, rather than trying to do the right thing.
If you become a porn star, please let me know.
1 Severely lacking in motivation to get off your backside and do – well – whatever it is you need to do.
2 Smartly dressed and affluent.
F**K IT. THE TWO-IN-ONE HANDY LIFE TOOL
And so this one beautiful phrase has two opposing applications:
To help you let go and slow down.
To help you go for it and get moving.
So F**k It helps you to find balance in your life, whichever direction you’re coming from.
Going too fast? Say F**k It to all that, and slow down, man.
Going too slow? Say F**k It and grab life by the balls, missus.
In Alice in Wonderland, Alice realizes she’s too big to get through the door, so she finds a handy bottle of something that says, ‘Drink Me.’ She shrinks but becomes too small, so she eats a bit of cake that says ‘Eat Me’ and grows again.
F**k It is the drink and the cake all in one. It helps you shrink when you need to shrink. And it helps you grow when you need to grow. The trick is find the right size or, for you, ‘balance.’ So, no worries, because you have your handy two-in-one F**k It life tool.
And that’s what F**k It does – it balances your life. It allows you a quick and powerful way to either slow down or speed up.
So, how come F**k It has this magic ability of being able to help you let go AND go for it? How can it be the drink AND the cake? The answer lies in the magical mystery world of the F**k It State: a balanced, neutral, blissful state to which every mention of the magic words ‘F**k It’ allude.
So, it’s time to enter the magical kingdom and explore that state.
USING MAGIC TO WALK THROUGH WALLS
There is a state we reach when we’re very relaxed that’s literally different from our normal state: the brain is even at a different frequency.
This state is very F**k It: i.e., the qualities of the state are akin to those you’d identify in someone who was acting in a F**k It way. So in this state, as well as being relaxed, you typically wouldn’t care so much about things, you’d feel more playful, less inhibited, more creative, more open, etc. This is why we call it the ‘F**k It State.’
It seems to be that by identifying the qualities of this F**k It State, and introducing them into your daily life, you can tap into this state more easily and more frequently. And when you do, some very interesting things start to happen in your life. For the purposes of this section, we’ll call these interesting things ‘magic.’ Magic happens.
And this magic means that sometimes you don’t have to laboriously break through the walls of the prison, but can simply walk through them. So accessing the F**k It State using these qualities creates magic, which means you effortlessly break free of the prison you’re in. And that’s a nice way to do it.
It’s also a glimpse of why the expression ‘F**k It’ works so well: just by saying it, we’re reminded of that more playful, care-free state (a childlike state, if you will), and we all want to be back there.
By playing with these qualities and techniques, you’ll find that you can return at will, with a click of your fingers, and the utterance of the two words ‘F**k It.’
FIRST, A QUIZ
Everyone likes a quiz. This quiz tests how often you’re in the F**k It State. There’s no prize. Just the understanding of how much walking-through-walls practice you have to do.
And just to relax you, pre-quiz, I’ll tell you about a quiz I took part in recently.
I was watching an educational show on daytime TV yesterday, which included a quiz section. Now the quiz challenged me, made me dig deep, got me stretching in my mind gym, and hopefully delayed the onset of Alzheimer’s by a couple of days.
The prize was tempting:
£30,000. They even preceded the quiz by several vox pops of people on the streets of London being asked what they’d do with £30K. Their answers were shocking: ‘I’d invite hot celebrity X out for a drink.’ (Uh? You think because you’re willing to blow mega-money on a ‘drink’ that she’d say yes? Loser! She’d run away faster than if you asked her to share a banana milkshake at the local McDonald’s.) Next up, vacant female pensioner: ‘I’d buy a bungalow.’ (Uh? I’ve just done a little research on exactly where you could buy a bungalow for that money in the UK, and it looks like she’s moving either to a cliff-edge property that’s likely to fall into the sea within five years, or into the most dangerous part of inner-city Glasgow, where she’ll soon be wanting to jump off a cliff.)
And those were the clips they chose… what did they throw out? ‘I’d build a nuclear warhead and threaten Vladimir Putin with it so he’d have to give me, like, more money… and a Russian wife.’
I knew then that I had a good chance if I was going to be pitting my wits against these cretins.
And so, the questions commenced. Roll the drum. Fingers on buzzers. John, rev the motor of the turbo-charged engine of your encyclopedic brain…
‘Which musical instrument…’ (aha, a question about the heritage of Stradivarius, a tricky question about the tuning pitch of a French horn)…
‘Which musical instrument in the following list has strings?’ (Uh? I sense a trick):
A The trumpet
B The flute
C The violin
I panicked. It HAS to be a trick. They’re trying to catch me out. But no, even my cunning mind couldn’t see any possibility for a trick within those three possibilities. Perhaps I had overestimated the intelligence of even my cretin-like competition.
What now? Just call this number with your answer, calls cost £10 a minute from landlines, but could be much more on a cell phone, or much less on a plastic cup attached to piece of string.
And like a kid being told about Santa, I grew up. It wasn’t a ‘quiz.’ It was a simple, random lotto and all they wanted was my money. They might as well have said:
‘Is there anyone out there who can say the word “win”? If you can say the word “win,” you could win the jackpot.’
Oooh, ooh, yes, I can say the word ‘win.’ Look, ‘win,’ ‘win.’ That’s put me right ahead of all those on the estate1 who can only say the word ‘wanker2.’
So, on to your own F**k It Quiz…
The F**k It State Quiz
Considering how I am in this moment (check one answer for each statement),
1. I lead a life of purpose.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
2. I don’t feel attached to any particular outcome.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
3. I focus only on my positive side and emotions, and don’t dwell on anything else.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
4. I know that life can be a serious thing and treat it accordingly.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
5. I feel totally present to what’s going on now.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
6. I don’t care about what’s right or wrong.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
7. I am fully in touch with how I feel, physically and emotionally.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
8. I love life, and feel full of energy.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
9. I feel stressed.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
10. I worry a lot about how things will turn out.
A. Not at all B. A bit C. Yes and no D. Mostly E. Completely
It’s worth doing the quiz at different times to see how your score changes. Now, turn to Appendix III to work out your F**k It score.
We’ve also created an online version of this quiz, which calculates your score automatically, at www.thefuckitlife.com/extras.
1 A densely populated area of housing.
2 Worthless idiot (and doesn’t necessarily refer to a person’s habits of masturbation).
OPEN TO IT
OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITY OF MAGIC HAPPENING.
Just opening is magic in itself, and can allow much magic to happen.
But let’s take a step back. As we’ve seen, for many reasons, most of which are understandable and natural, we close ourselves off from much of what’s available in each moment. We develop opinions and stories and ideas and filters that narrow our range of perception and experience to a small slit of what it could be.
So open a little. Or a lot. But open. Open to the possibility that the world might not work the way you thought it worked. Open to the possibility that you’re not entirely who you think you are. Open to ideas that you might disregard at first. Open to the possibility that you could be very different, that your life could be very different. Open to change. Open to movement. Open to newness.
Open.
To.
Magic.
Not witchy magic, but those things that might happen in ways that you really don’t understand: Positive, fantastic things; great life-changing things; healing and happiness things; things that leave you standing still in awe saying, ‘Wow, that’s magic.’
RELAX IT
Whenever we talk about relaxation and ease in groups, there are always people who articulate a thought that probably bothers us all: ‘Sure, of course, it’s lovely to be relaxed and at ease, but if we were like that all the time, how on earth would we ever get anything done?’
So, before we investigate the magic and power of relaxation, let’s nip this one in the bud. To do this I ask everyone in the group to name various leaders in their fields. You have a go now: Who’s a leader in the field of business? Who’s one of the greatest football (soccer) players of all time? Who’s the most successful actor on the planet at the moment? Who’s the dominant politician of our times?
Try it in your life. Who’s the richest person you know? Who’s the most popular person you know? Who’s the sexiest person you know? Are you coming to any conclusions yet?
I can’t guess your answers to those latter questions. But I can tell you the most common answers to the first questions. The suggestion for a leader in the field of business was… Richard Branson, owner of Virgin. What’s he like? Well, let’s just say he doesn’t come across as a stress-monkey to me.
The most common suggestion for… Oh crap, this is beginning to feel like that quiz show, what was it… Family Fortunes1?
‘We asked 100 people for the most popular dog names. You suggest “Fido.” Let’s see.’ Ping. ‘Yes, “Fido” was the second most popular answer. Jimmy, you suggested “Mr. Dog”… let’s see if “Mr. Dog” was one of the most popular responses from the 100 people we asked.’ Ee-urgggghh. ‘No, I’m sorry, Jimmy; “Mr. Dog” wasn’t one of the most popular answers. Do you have a dog, Jimmy?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s it called, Jimmy?’
‘Mr. Dog.’
‘Okay, Jimmy.
The most common suggestion for the greatest footballer of all time was Pelé. What’s he like? Have a look on YouTube at some classic Pelé clips. It’s astonishing. The man is so AT EASE. It’s like a walk in the park for him. It’s like he’s dancing. It just looks so easy. And so beautiful. You thought of George Best, though, didn’t you? YouTube him, too. It’s the same. Ah, Maradonna? YouTube him, too. The same. Just don’t watch any of those goals he scored against England, please. Though the one where he dribbles around every single English player, then stops to do a moony2 to the English crowd before tickling the ball past the goalkeeper is something to behold. Don’t watch that. And don’t watch the goal where the shorty uses his hand to knock the ball in then later clai
med it was the ‘hand of God.’ Let’s not go there.
The most common suggestion for an actor was the gorgeous George Clooney. What’s he like? Well, you just know that in real life, he’s going to be like many of the characters he plays in his movies: cool, relaxed, and imperturbable. If there’s someone you want around in a crisis, it’s George. He’ll keep his head. He’ll work it out.
Politician? Obama. When he was running for President, I was astonished to see how relaxed, calm, and unhurried he was in every situation, every interview. Just imagine the pressure he was under, the hours he was doing. And yet he stayed composed. Have you seen the film clip of him being interviewed on TV, and being bugged by a fly? Now, if you’re cool – a professional – you could probably manage to continue without being distracted. But Obama took the decision, on live TV, to go for the fly. We’ve all done that in the privacy of our own homes: rolled up the newspaper and gone-a-fly-hunting. So you know how it would go for me and you if we made such a rash decision: we’d miss it the first time, then the second time, then start flailing wildly in the air as we got more frustrated, until we were running and dancing around the TV studio, wailing at the pesky, unkillable bug.
Not Obama. Obama is still. Obama moves. Obama catches fly between fingers. Obama is ninja president. On that evidence alone, McCain should have done the decent ninja thing and fallen on his sword. Everyone in the country should have stopped what they were doing, and begun simply chanting ‘OBAMA, OBAMA’ until the ruling elite had no choice but to make him, not just president, but King of the USA, too. All hail President King Ninja Obama.
Now, what were you saying about ‘no one got anywhere in life by being relaxed and at ease’?
Okay, okay, so you want to be relaxed, too. How?
Relax, that’s how. Really, just by having the desire to be more relaxed, then trying to relax will do the job in many ways.
F**k It Therapy Page 11