by Linz VonC
"Hey, Gretchen isn’t it? Is Luke with you?" She peered behind me, looking confused.
"Ah hey Mrs Fallon, no, it’s just me. Cal and I are psychology partners...."
I shuffled uneasily on my feet, aware that my face was beet red.
She nodded and stepped back for me to go in.
"Oh! Well come in, his room is on the top floor. Do you want a drink?"
I declined and made my way up the stairs, looking for the other set of stairs to reach the top floor. My legs were shaking as I made my way up the ladder like stairs to a dark wood door and knocked quietly. It opened and there he was. He wore grey pants and a black vest that hung low over his chest. He studied me for a moment before he allowed the door to open wide enough for me to squeeze in past him. Ok, I was in his room. HIS ROOM!
"Oh you are early. That is cute. Come in."
I had to stop swooning every time he spoke. He must be so used to this, I was just another girl to him. I decided then and there to stop being such a typical girl, and behave like I actually had a boyfriend, and a brain for that matter.
His bed was a mess, the curtains were closed and there were clothes all over the floor. He sat on the bed and patted the space next to him.
"Why do you look so scared whenever you are near me? We have to work together-you need to relax. I’m not going to try it on with you, I can assure you."
He laughed and I felt a flash of annoyance as I remembered him with Krystal that morning.
Why? What did I just say to myself?! Here I was, jealous that he had kissed the school slut.
"Yes I know, I saw you with your girl this morning." I snapped, before I could consider my words.
His eyes widened as he turned to look at me, bemused.
"My girl you say? When did I see you anyway?"
I shrugged. "Krystal. This morning I passed you on the way to school."
He gazed at me and smiled.
"You should’ve said hey."
He didn’t deny her being his girl, and this annoyed me more than anything else .
"I didn’t think you had any spare oxygen for conversation Cal." I retorted. He laughed, that gorgeous sound again.
"Anyway," I said, reaching for my bag
He stopped me, his hand on mine as I froze, electricity running between us as we touched.
"Are you jealous? Could it be that little Miss Girlfriend is jealous?"
He was so close to me I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to punch him for being so right. Instead I made a face at him and moved his hand away from me, reaching back into my bag.
"What? Don’t flatter yourself." I snapped.
I pulled out two notebooks.
"Here you go." I handed him one and he looked at me.
"So you spill all your darkest fantasies for me and I write them down and tell your horny as fuck boyfriend so that he can finally please you the way you want? Wonderful, happy to help." He laughed bitterly as he lit a cigarette.
"What?! Why are you so crude? Can you PLEASE open a window, I don’t smoke. Gross."
My heart hammered against my chest as I thought about my darkest fantasies. God he was such a bastard. He opened a window and sat in front of me against the door on the floor, leaving me on the bed.
"Ok, so talking therapy is when you speak to someone about any negative feelings... so we have to explore that..."
He gazed at me as he inhaled, making my thoughts tumble around in my brain. My words were stuck in my throat as I tried to regain my composure.
"So there are a few different forms of talking therapy, my personal favourite is interpersonal therapy. What about you?"
He leaned forward slightly. "Do I look like I do therapy? I have no idea. Let’s do that personal one you like."
I went down to his level on the floor and crossed my legs, and stared at him uncomfortably as I sighed.
"I think we need to get to know one another."
He shifted forward a little, his eyes on me. "Me too. How we going to do that? I prefer your hair down by the way."
I felt my cheeks blushing deeply and was grateful it wasn’t overly bright in that room.
"Excellent to hear Cal. So, tell me about your life?"
He laughed properly then. "What a shit question. Here’s an idea. I’ll ask you a question, you have to be entirely honest with me, don’t forget, this is strictly confidential. Neither of us can tell anyone anything. Also, I thought interpersonal therapy was used to treat moderate to severe depression, but I will let you lead. So, ready? Or do you want to go first?"
I looked down at my hands. He was right, it was totally confidential. How did he know what interpersonal therapy was about when he just said he didn’t know what it was? He was so confusing. I looked him in the eyes as I decided to just be honest.
"Why are you so rude to people?"
He shook his head as he stared at me in disbelief. "That’s your question? Why am I rude to people?"
I stared at him indignantly. "It’s a simple question."
He whistled then.
"Ok precious. I don’t have much tolerance for people. I don’t like anyone, it’s better that way. But I am curious as to who you think I have been rude to?"
"But you like Krystal?"
I shot back, ignoring his question.
"No Gretchen, you don’t get to ask two questions. It’s my turn." He tutted as I folded my arms and started to realise how absolutely horrific this situation was becoming.
"Fine, ask away". I mumbled.
"Are you happy with Luke?"
Just like that, so direct. I opened my mouth to answer.
"What has that got to do with anything?!"
"It’s a perfect valid question. It’s your relationship. Are. You. Happy?" His voice was softer now, his eyes seeming to be searching my face.
I nodded confidently. "Yes. Well, I was....."
What? Was? Where did that come from? Why did I say that? I closed my eyes, hoping he hadn’t noticed that last part.
"Are you going to elaborate? This is confidential."
No such luck. Argh. I felt myself wanting to talk to him, against all my brain screaming signals in every different direction not to.
"It’s personal though Cal. I don’t even know you." I found myself saying, fiddling with my nails.
"You wouldn’t know a therapist. This is what this is for isn’t it? Why don’t you ask me a question, then we can go back to that."
He responded quietly. I felt relieved he had given me a get out of jail free card and I thought carefully about my question.
"Have you ever been arrested?"
I was not thinking straight. Why would a therapist ask that? Its not truth or fucking dare Gretchen!!
"Yup. My turn."
My heart leapt into my mouth, he had been arrested?? He didn’t offer any elaboration and I didn’t dare ask. His hair fell in front of his eyes and he moved it away, placing both hands on his knees. I was intrigued, but I had to wait my turn, that was the deal.
"Elaborate."
That was all he said. He leaned back. Oh fuck. He wasn’t letting this go. I played with my fingernails whilst I considered what to say; I wanted to be honest with him, but that would be revealing way too much. This was his cousin, how could I trust him to be confidential?
"He is very sweet. We have been together for a little over a year. He treats me so well..."
He continued to stare at me with that intense gaze. He gave nothing else away as he waited patiently.
"I’m just not sure I want to be with him forever, does that make sense? If you don’t want to be with someone forever what’s the point in bothering?"
"Is that your question to me?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah it is."
I was eager for the attention to move away from me and my relationship, that, up until now I had thought was actually swell.
"I think that we have relationships with different people to learn things. Learn how to beha
ve, how to fuck, how to break up, how to be."
When he said fuck I felt a feeling deep inside me that was totally unfamiliar, yet delightful. I bit my lip and looked at him as he continued.
"You said he makes you happy, and that he is sweet. Is that what you want? Like, what really turns you on? Do you even know?"
He didn’t change his expression at all. I swallowed, feeling ashamed I couldn’t even answer him. What did I want? Him? Could I just say that?
"I don’t know what I want, you are right."
He raised his eyebrows again quizzically.
"As for what turns me on?"
Fuck it.
"I want to kiss someone in the rain. I want someone to push me against a wall, kiss me hard and pull my hair to the point of pain. I want to want someone so much they are all I think about."
I couldn’t meet his eyes. My breathing was heavy, my chest rising and falling rapidly. He didn’t speak, he just continued to stare at me. This time I couldn’t read his expression at all.
"My turn. Do you like being single?" I asked.
Where had this bravery come from?
He cleared his throat.
"It’s not about being single or being in a relationship. It would just be. I imagine I would have to feel things I had never felt before. That would show me that it was different, not just a fuck, or a crush. I have never felt like that before. Are you really making notes? It’s confidential!"
I looked up guiltily.
"No I was making key notes. Like, needing a new emotion to experience something new."
His next question stopped me in my tracks.
"Are you in love with him Gretchen?"
His voice seemed different when he asked that, and I swallowed, replying quickly.
"Of course I love him Cal. He is my boyfriend."
"That’s not what I asked," he argued. "I asked if you were IN love with him. Totally different."
He looked at me triumphantly as our eyes went to war.
His won.
"I think I may not be." I said quietly.
I blinked and realised I had tears in my eyes, what the fuck was going on?
"I have to go. It’s getting late."
I stood up and he stood with me, his hands tilting my face up to his as he looked at me with an expression of concern.
"Are you ok? Come here."
He wrapped his arms around me and I allowed myself to breathe him in, feeling dizzy from the rapid heartbeat, crazy emotions and that divine smell of his. I felt totally safe and secure, and so far away from the world. I pulled myself away from him and he grinned at me.
"I think I may be a shit therapist. They aren’t meant to hug their clients are they? Come on Raven. Let’s walk you home."
I didn’t have the strength to argue, plus I wanted as much time with him as possible. We walked silently, as I stole the odd glance at him. He seemed to be deep in thought, catching my eye every now and then as I averted my eyes. When we reached my drive I turned to him, grasping at any false confidence I had left.
"Thanks. We will need to meet up again soon and try and pick some points out about whether it works-"
He put his finger on my lips.
"Sssh. Stop thinking. Go and get some rest, I will see you at school."
He turned and walked away, lighting yet another cigarette. I headed to my bedroom and logged into Facebook on my laptop. There were photos of Sienna & Ethan at the Rink, looking totally loved up. I clicked onto my profile to see the photo of me and Luke after one of his games looking incredibly loved up too. What the fuck happened? I climbed into bed and heard the ping that alerted me to a text. It was from Cal.
Confidential, I won’t tell anyone. Night beautiful.
Chapter 4
I woke with a start. My phone was ringing and it must’ve been four am, judging by the darkness in my room. I finally located it and swiped at the screen until it stopped making the noise.
"What?" I said groggily.
"Gretchen. Tell me you are NOT in bed. I’m outside your house."
It was Sienna! I ended the call and looked at the time. Seven forty five am? I sat up and padded downstairs to answer the door. Sienna swept in, a flurry of perfume and glitter following her. I reached into the fridge and pulled out the OJ.
"Sienna, where is the fire?" My dad laughed as he walked into the kitchen ruffling my hair.
"Morning Mr Red. I came to remind Gretchen we have the dance tonight. I am not even sure she has an outfit." She pouted at me and I groaned.
"The dance? Arghhhhh."
"See?" She sighed. "If you are quick we can hit the mall before school."
I slid some toast into the toaster and sighed.
"You haven’t time for toast Gretch!"
My mom sailed in at that point and smiled at Sienna. "There is ALWAYS time for toast."
She poured herself coffee as I added, "Especially with Nutella." Our eyes met as we shared a secret smile.
"What are you wearing?" I demanded.
"I have the most beautiful dress. Wait till you see it!" Sienna smiled smugly.
Twenty minutes later we were in the mall, trying to find me a dress.
"What about this, my god Gretch, its stunning."
I yawned and turned to see the dress. It was strapless, in a deep emerald green.
"Wow, I do like that!"
Decision made. I really didn’t care what I wore, I just needed something.
I paid at the till and we made our way back to Sienna’s car.
"What would you have done if I hadn’t had mentioned the dance this morning? Hmm? Where would you be without me?" She grinned as I stuck my tongue out at her.
"I totally forgot about it. Its just not that exciting is it?" I teased.
Sienna turned and gaped at me. "Are you for REAL? The annual dance is not that exciting? Come on, what has happened to you?! Sorry, what would you class as exciting my lady?"
"Oh I dunno, Brad Pitt in Fight Club?"
She laughed, "Hell yeah in that red jacket? Gotta love a bad boy, hey Gretch?"
I didn’t answer that, and instead asked who Rosie was going with to the dance.
"She mentioned something about a guy from her history class."
I mulled it over, wondering again about my conversation with Cal last night.
"Si, do you think you and Ethan will be together forever?"
She parked at school and turned to look at me. "
"You are acting really fucking strange Gretch. What’s going on? Are you and Luke ok?"
Her eyes were full of concern as yet again my eyes filled with unexpected tears.
"I don’t know Si. I just don’t know how I feel about him anymore."
Admitting it to Sienna felt so different to admitting it to Cal last night. Sienna hugged me tightly.
"Babes, this is ok, it will be ok. Maybe you are just going through a rocky patch. Luke is amazing and he is so into you. I really would LOVE to be with Ethan for the rest of my life, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, honestly."
I sighed and dried my eyes.
"I know, probably just hormones hey?"
We got out of her car and walked up to the school, both stopping when I heard my name being called.
"Gretchen, wait."
It was Krystal. She tottered over to me on her heels and I tried not to groan out loud.