OUTSIDE, THE CROWD of girls had thinned in anticipation of the first bell ringing. Natalya walked to the corner of the block, the phone still pressed to her ear. The sound of boys’ voices in the background from Colin’s end made her conscious of the fact that she never heard guys during school hours anymore.
“Hey,” she said when she’d turned the corner and was finally alone. “Hi.” Her voice was shaky after what she’d just seen, and she hoped Colin would blame it on a bad connection.
“Hang on a sec.” She heard someone calling, Seriously! and then it was quiet. “I wanted to talk to you. Before school,” he said. He sounded surprisingly calm.
There was a long pause, and then Natalya blurted out, “You said things were complicated.” She didn’t know why she was telling Colin that. He’d left her that message. He knew what he’d said.
“I wanted to tell you as soon as possible that I didn’t break up with Alison,” said Colin. His words sounded rote, as if he’d rehearsed them.
But she was just crying in the bathroom. The sentence formed in Natalya’s brain, and once it was there, she couldn’t think of anything else. But she was just crying in the bathroom. She was just crying in the bathroom. For a second, Natalya had the insane idea that Colin must have broken up with Alison without realizing what he’d done.
She realized how crazy she was being. You don’t break up with someone and not know it.
“But…I don’t understand.”
In the same robotic tone, he said simply, “It’s not something I’m at liberty to talk about at the moment.”
“It’s not…what?” What was he even talking about? He sounded like a lawyer or something.
“I’m sorry, Natalya. I like you a lot, but I behaved badly and I regret it.”
He regretted it? He regretted it? He’d spent an afternoon fooling around with her behind his girlfriend’s back, behind Natalya’s friend’s back, and now he regretted it?
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” Natalya didn’t even care that it was obvious from her voice that she’d started to cry.
For the first time that morning, Colin’s voice sounded shaky. “I’m sorry, Natalya.”
“Yeah, well…you know something, Colin? I’m sorry too.” She barely managed to choke out the words before a sob broke through. Sick with guilt and disappointment, Natalya snapped her phone shut as sharply as she could. Then she stood alone in the cold morning sunlight for a long time, knowing she had to go inside and face the school day.
SIMON WAS SICK.
He wasn’t in school Monday. Or Tuesday. His throat was sore, and he couldn’t really talk on the phone. The one time Jane reached him, he was feverish and out of it.
Wednesday morning when she got his text saying he’d be in school and would see her at rehearsal, enough time had passed that Jane was convinced she had completely misunderstood what she’d seen when she was watching Simon and Todd Saturday night. So Simon had been standing extremely close to a guy he was talking to. So the other guys on the sidewalk hadn’t been standing extremely close to the guys they were talking to. What did that mean? Nothing. Jane remembered rehearsals for Midsummer, how the cast was always giving one another back rubs, playing with one another’s hair, sitting practically on one another’s laps.
You didn’t have to be gay to be a guy who was comfortable touching another guy. You just had to be an actor.
By the time she walked into the dimly lit black box on Wednesday afternoon, Jane was feeling good. She was going to see Simon. They were going to rehearse their scene. And maybe this time it would go all right. Then they’d talk about the fabulous art opening they were going to Saturday night. Years ago, Jane’s mom had taught her about a therapeutic concept: the pleasure of anxiety. That was when people who had nothing wrong with their lives came up with things to worry about.
It was totally what Jane was doing.
“Hello?” she called, but she didn’t have to wait to not get an answer to know there was no one in the theater.
She crossed to the light switches and flipped a couple more on. It was weird that Mark wasn’t there already. He always arrived before she did. She checked her phone. No message. Should she text him?
As if in answer to her question, the door to the theater opened and shut. Without looking up, she said, “Hey, Mark.”
“It’s me,” Simon corrected her.
She spun around. The light was dimmer by the door where Simon was standing, but Jane could see that he looked tired, as if his first day back at school had exhausted him.
She wanted to go over to him and put her arms around him. They hadn’t seen each other in almost a week.
But for some reason, she couldn’t make herself take even a single step in his direction.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she said.
“So, did you get Mark’s text?” Simon took a few steps into the room but didn’t cross over to where Jane was standing. It was as if there were an invisible force field separating them.
“What? No.” Automatically, Jane reached into her bag and took out her phone, but there was nothing there.
“He’s picking up the costumes. He’ll be a little late.”
“Oh. That’s too bad.” That’s too bad?
“So, I guess we just wait,” Simon said. He toyed with the strap of his backpack.
Jane fiddled with her phone, sliding it open and shut nervously. It buzzed suddenly, startling her. She checked the screen. “Um, it’s Mark’s text.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Simon.
“I finally got it,” she explained.
“Good,” said Simon.
She read Mark’s message. “He says he’s getting costumes.” She raised her eyes to look at Simon. “But I guess you already know that.”
He smiled at her. “Yeah, I guess I do.”
This was so weird. Why were things between them so weird? Was it her? Maybe she was the one being weird, and Simon was being totally normal. After all, he’d been sick for almost a week, and she hadn’t even hugged him hello. Maybe he thought she was mad at him or something. She took a step toward him. “Simon,
I’m so glad you’re—”
“Jane, can I—”
It took a second for each of them to process what the other had said, and then Simon laughed. “Sorry. What did you want to say?”
“No, I interrupted you,” said Jane. She was starting to get a funny feeling in her stomach, almost like she was coming down with the flu, too.
“Ladies first,” he insisted.
“No, really.” She shook her head. This was so dumb. It wasn’t as if she had some grand announcement to make. “I just…I mean. It’s nothing. I was just going to say I’m glad you’re better.”
“Oh,” said Simon. “Well, thanks. I mean, I’m glad, too.”
There was a long pause. Jane’s stomach was feeling worse with every passing second. She kept waiting for Simon to say whatever it was he’d been about to say, but he remained silent.
“That was a fun movie Saturday night,” Jane said abruptly. “I’m sorry you had to leave.”
Okay, why was she bringing up Saturday night?
“Yeah,” Simon agreed. He started chewing on his nail, then seemed to realize he was doing it and dropped his hand to his side.
“Yeah,” she echoed.
“Jane!” Simon’s voice was bizarrely loud in the silent space.
“Yes?” She didn’t meet his eyes.
“I want…” Now Simon’s voice was extremely quiet. “I mean, I need…” He shook his head and muttered, “Wow, this is harder than I thought.” He cleared his throat, looked up, and said clearly, “Do you remember when I told you that the person I’d been seriously in like with was a guy?”
Jane’s mouth was dry. She tried to say something but settled on a nod.
“Well, Todd…that guy, I mean the guy I once liked—he was a friend of Roman’s, and he was there Saturday night.”
I know. I
saw you. But she couldn’t bring herself to reveal the fact that she’d been watching him. Instead, she just said, “Oh.” It wasn’t a word so much as an exhalation of breath, as if Simon’s statement had been a punch.
Simon took a step toward her. “I think…I think you know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”
Jane took a ragged breath and gave Simon a pinched smile. “I hope not.”
He gave her a smile back. “Jane, I think…I mean, I’m pretty sure.” He took a deep breath, then said simply, “I’m gay.”
“Oh,” Jane choked out. She pressed her lips together, terrified that she was going to burst into tears.
“Jane, I’m so sorry I hurt you,” said Simon, taking several more steps toward her. “If there were any girl I’d want to be with, it would be you. You’re so amazing and talented and funny.” Now that he’d gotten his announcement over with, Simon couldn’t seem to stop talking. He complimented her all the way across the room, and once he was standing beside her, he continued to list all the things that he liked about her.
But Jane had stopped listening. She was looking at Simon, but she was seeing a double image. Simon Humphrey Bogart.
God, how big a loser was she? She’d spent the movie thinking about her and Simon. And he’d spent the movie thinking about Todd.
Simon must have run out of things that were great about Jane because he finally stopped talking. He started to put a hand on Jane’s shoulder, but she stepped away.
“Don’t.” Suddenly, Jane felt as if she were made of smoke, like if Simon did touch her she would simply…dissolve.
“I’m really sorry,” he said again.
Jane had no idea what she was supposed to say. She opened her mouth, but for what felt like the first time in her life, she literally could not utter a word.
The door to the black box flew open, and Mark stood framed in it, holding two garment bags, one in each hand.
“Who is about to be the best-dressed cast in the entire universe?!” he cried joyfully.
Neither Jane nor Simon responded, and Mark slung the bags over his shoulders. “Well, don’t all thank me at once.”
“Thanks, man,” said Simon abruptly, crossing to take one of the garment bags from him. “I’m psyched to see these.”
Jane took a deep breath and walked over to where Mark was standing. She grabbed the other bag. “Yeah, thanks a lot. I know they’re going to be great.”
Mark eyed them both suspiciously but didn’t say anything. Jane forced herself to smile at him, a grin so wide it hurt her face. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Simon.
“I guess you guys should change,” Mark said finally.
“Yeah, great!” said Jane, still feigning enthusiasm.
“Awesome!” agreed Simon, heading to the supply closet that had been rigged into a dressing room.
“Hey!” Mark shouted, so loudly Simon literally froze in his tracks. Slowly, he turned to face Mark. Mark looked from Jane to Simon for a long time, but all he said was, “You guys need to change bags. You’ve got the wrong ones.”
“Oh,” said Simon, and he laughed a little too hard as he made his way over to where Jane was standing, managing to take his bag from her and give her his without their hands ever touching. Then he turned again and went into the dressing room.
Mark looked at Jane. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” she answered automatically. “I’m fine.”
Either she was a better actress than she thought she was, or Mark was a sucker, because after a long pause he just said, “Okay. We’ll take it from the top in five.”
Dizzy with sadness, Jane took her costume and went to change.
She had been positive she wouldn’t even be able to speak, much less act, but as the scene played out, Jane found herself getting into character more deeply than ever before. As she spoke her lines and thought about what Simon had done, she found new meaning in the words. He’d lied to her. Saturday night. He’d lied to her. He’d said he wasn’t feeling well, and then he’d gone and hooked up with Todd. Had he even been sick? Or had he just been avoiding her?
She crossed to center stage. “‘What arrogance, when you’ve got a safe retreat and I’m alone and going into exile.’”
Simon shrugged and placed his hand on his hip. “‘You chose this course yourself; blame no one else.’”
“‘I chose it! How? Did I take a wife and leave you?’” She pointed an accusatory finger at him.
“‘You cursed the king, and cursed his royal home,’” he answered simply.
It was all too much. He’d been…experimenting with her. Like she was a pair of jeans or a jacket he wasn’t sure he liked. Hmmm, yeah, I thought I wanted these, but it turns out I don’t. Is it too late to return them?
“‘Yes, and I’ll be a curse to your house too.’” Her voice was angry but not shrill.
Simon was undeterred, a confident, even slightly arrogant Jason. “‘I’ll not go on with this. There is no point.’”
Had everyone known? She remembered the look his friends had exchanged when they’d met her Saturday night. Oh, is this that girl you’re pretending you’re straight with? What had Simon been thinking every time they kissed? Had he been thinking about Todd? Had he been feeling sorry for Jane, thinking how he couldn’t break up with her because she liked him so much?
She answered scathingly, “‘I’ll make no use of any of your friends, nor will I take your bounty. Give me nothing.’”
Still sure of himself, Simon responded, “‘Well then, I ask the gods to be my witness. I only wish to serve you and the children.…’”
But he must have liked her at least a little, right? She stood, separated from him by only a few inches, finally looking into his eyes. What she saw there only confused her, because behind the arrogance was something like concern. He had cared. He did care. For a second, she wanted to beg him to reconsider, to remind him of how much fun they’d had as a couple, to insist that no one who really liked boys could have made her feel as good as Simon had made Jane feel.
And against the urge to speak those words, Jane gathered herself up, pushed at the center of Simon’s chest, and turned away from him. “‘Go, go: I see you’ve been so long away from her. You’re itching with desire for your new-broken girl. Get on with being married while you still can. Because I prophesy: Your marriage will be one of horror and regret.’”
For a long, long minute after Simon walked offstage, there was silence. And then, from just beyond the stage lights, Mark began to clap.
NATALYA HAD MANAGED to avoid all but the most superficial interactions with Alison and Jordan for three days; but on Thursday, when Jordan asked if she was busy for lunch again, she couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough, and she found herself walking down the hall between them.
Alison seemed quieter than usual, but Jordan kept up a steady stream of chatter, mostly focused on how fabulous Alison’s birthday party was going to be. “First of all, the birthday girl is going to look amazing!” Jordan gestured to Alison like the hostess of a game show presenting the prize. “A shimmering, custom-made dress by none other than Vera Wang. An elegant dinner at the oh-so-chic La Bouche, followed by dancing to the beautiful sounds of a live orchestra at the Park Avenue Armory.” Alison’s smile was small enough that Natalya was reminded how normal all of this must be to her. How many hundreds of gala events had she been to? How many thousands of limousines had she ridden in? The numbers were staggering to contemplate.
“I cannot believe you’re busy,” Jordan complained to Natalya as the girls entered the cafeteria and made their way to their usual table.
“Yeah,” said Natalya.
Jordan paid no attention to Natalya’s monosyllabic reply. She continued to rattle off details about Saturday night’s party, how much fun it was going to be, how excited she was to be going. When Perry and Catherine joined them, they also talked excitedly about Saturday night, describing the dresses they were considering wearing, wondering if it would be wo
rth bringing pretty wraps in case the recently frigid weather lifted and they wanted to go out onto the patio.
Nobody noticed Natalya’s silence, or if they did, they probably chalked it up to her disappointment about not being able to come to the party.
Imagine if she didn’t have the opening. If she’d said yes! The idea of being at Alison’s party and watching Alison lean against Colin as the guests sang “Happy Birthday,” or seeing the two of them dance together while she stood with the crowd applauding the happy couple, made her so nauseated she pushed her cheese sandwich violently away. She knew she was getting confused, that in her imagination she’d turned Alison’s birthday party into some kind of wedding, but she couldn’t stop herself. It was all so unfair. Alison had everything. Everything. Why did she get Colin too?
For a second she remembered Alison’s crying in the bathroom. What had that been about? Had her daddy told her she couldn’t have a pair of diamond earrings she’d been coveting? Had her mother said, “I’m sorry, dear, but five thousand dollars is just too much to spend on a pair of shoes. I said you could have the pair that costs two thousand, and that’s my final offer.”
Thinking of the things Alison had to cry about, Natalya had the sudden urge to hurt her, really hurt her, to make Alison feel as bad as she had been feeling ever since Colin called her.
As if on cue, Jordan said, “And we all know how cute Colin Prewitt looks in a tuxedo.”
For the first time during lunch, Alison broke into a real smile, one that reached her sparkling blue eyes as well as her lips. The sight only intensified Natalya’s urge to draw blood. What would happen to Alison’s perfect smile if she knew how her boyfriend had spent his afternoon Saturday? If she found out how he felt about Natalya, how he really felt about Alison? What would happen to Alison’s perfect party and perfect birthday and perfect life if she knew the truth?
“Did you say Colin Prewitt?” Natalya blurted out.
Though the lunchroom was noisy and everyone at the table had seemed to be talking at once, a sudden silence fell on the table as every eye turned to Natalya.
The Darlings in Love Page 19