THE PHONE RINGING BESIDE ME PULLED ME OUT OF THAT all too familiar dream world. Not yet fully conscious, I stared at the ceiling as the handset continued to ring.
I knew it was probably Jason or Howie, but I didn’t feel like talking. The dream had taken its toll on me. Why did I keep having it? Something told me that it was some kind of message. I knew that I had to figure out a way to save her, but what was I supposed to save her from? Was there actual life threatening danger waiting for her around the corner, or was I supposed to save her from myself?
That flaming hatred that I saw within her eyes had to have come from her finding out that I could have saved her father. If I let her know that— if I let her know what I could truly do, I was certain that she would hate me forever. Maybe that’s what my dream was about. For a moment, I decided that forcing myself to let go of her was the only way that I could save her until I remembered that letting go in the dream always led to her death.
The phone rang again as I continued to stare at the ceiling. Forget it, I thought, before realizing that it could have been Monica that was calling. I threw myself on the floor and frantically scrambled to grab the receiver as it continued to ring.
“Hello?” I said as I answered the phone call.
“Finally!” Monica jokingly replied on the other end of the line.
“I’m sorry. I was asleep.”
“Well, I’m tired of standing outside, so get your butt up and let me in!”
I was rushing to the entrance before she even finished her sentence. She must have seen the plethora of missed calls and drove over while I was asleep. I was nervous about seeing her for the first time since the death of her father, but a part of me was still excited to see her.
She was waiting at the entrance when I opened the door. My palms were sweating profusely from the anxiety that I felt about blowing her phone up. I was relieved that she didn’t appear to be angry as she entered and instantly fell into my arms.
“How’ve you been, stranger?” I asked as I stroked her soft hair.
“Better. Just taking it one day at a time,” she said with her head still buried in my chest. After a moment, she suddenly looked into my eyes. I could tell by the expression on her face that she was worried about something. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone when you called. I was still-”
“You do not have to apologize to me, Monica. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
She was silent as she digested my words. She pressed her head against my chest again and exhaled a sigh of relief.
“Thank you,” she said softly.
“Why are you thanking me?” I asked.
“For not being mad. I know I haven’t been there for you to help you deal with the loss of your brother. I thought you were angry at me when you called so many times. I tried to call you back but when you didn’t answer I thought that you had moved on.”
“Monica, listen to me,” I said as I placed my hands on her head and gazed into her eyes. “There is no moving on. You are all that I’ve ever wanted, and I will wait for you until the end of time if I have to.”
Her eyes became teary as she processed my words.
“Monica, what’s wrong. Did I say something wrong?” I asked.
“No,” she said wiping a tear away, “You didn’t say anything wrong.”
I was surprised when she abruptly pulled away from my embrace and turned her back to me.
“I just feel like I don’t deserve to have you in my life,” she said struggling to choke back her tears.
“What do you mean?” I asked, truly baffled by her statement.
“You’re always so open and honest about your feelings for me and I haven’t exactly extended you the same courtesy,” she replied with her back still turned.
“Monica, I don’t understand.”
She sobbed as she finally turned and faced me. Slow desolate tears ran from her reddened eyes and streamed down her already wet cheeks.
“All you’ve ever done is care about me more than any other person has ever shown. And the only thing that I’ve given you in return is doubt. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair to you, Adam.”
“Monica, you have never done wrong by me. I don’t understand where this is coming from.”
“Adam, ever since we’ve been together I’ve second guessed our relationship because I always had this feeling that you were holding something back from me. That’s why I don’t deserve you. You’re so open and honest with me and all I do is second guess you.”
“Monica, you’re wrong.”
But she wasn’t wrong. I was holding back. I was holding back more than she could have possibly imagined.
I placed my hands on her quivering shoulders and looked into her glimmering eyes. “Monica, I have been holding back. There is something that I’ve kept from you all this time.”
I wasn’t sure if the expression on her face was sadness or fear. Perhaps a bit of both.
“What do you mean?” Her voice cracked as she spoke.
We gazed at each other in silence as I contemplated my words.
“Monica, the truth is…I’ve been holding back the fact that I am completely and unequivocally in love with you.”
Her eyes widened in disbelief as her expression softened.
“I have been in love with you since before I even met you. Since the first day that I saw you in Mr. Miller’s class at the beginning of the school year.”
“You- you love me?” she asked in a hushed whisper.
“Of course, I love you! You have no idea of the extent to which you fascinate me. The only reason that I’ve held that back from you is because I was afraid that you didn’t feel the same way.”
It worked. As she fell into my arms, completely uninhibited, I could tell that my confession was enough to convince her that the only thing I was hiding was the true nature of my feelings for her.
Our second kiss was far better than the first. There was no anxiety or life threatening danger to contend with this time. There was only passion. When the two of us came together in that moment, nothing else mattered. I still didn’t know the danger that lay before us, but I decided that whatever that peril may be, I would make certain that I was there to save her from it. In my dream, I had made the mistake of letting her go, but I would not repeat that mistake in real life. A cool gust of wind from outside reminded me that the door was still open.
Monica buried her head in my chest as I stared into the silvery darkness beyond our safe haven. I had only told her half of the truth. It was true that I had fallen for her the moment I laid eyes on her, but that was not the only thing that I was hiding.
“I love you, too,” she finally whispered as we continued our embrace. Hearing those words from the girl of my dreams should have filled me with the utmost joy, but the only thing that I felt was a piercing guilt that grinded away at my soul.
32. BEHIND THE CURTAIN
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