‘No thanks necessary, but I will accept your offer.’
‘Do you always talk like there’s some sort of business transaction going on?’
‘Of course.’ He took another sip, and for just a second looked nervous, himself. But he quickly recovered, and his browline became serious again. ‘Life is one long business transaction, Lily.’
I raised an eyebrow at him. ‘You really believe that?’
‘No.’ His face was thoughtful as he took another sip. ‘You know, Lily, one of my homes is in Maine. Lovely. You would like it.’
Why would he tell me I would like it? What game is he playing?
‘Oh, we’re still talking about Maine, I see. Whereabouts?’ I had never been there, and yes, I am well aware it’s only three hours away.
‘Seal Harbor. On the Island.’
‘Oh.’ I tried to think of something to say or ask, but decided that pretending to know where or what the Island is would be the better choice. ‘Nice. Gotta love the Island.’
‘Indeed. Though I’ve got a convicted felon for a neighbour.’
‘No shit!’ I felt my eyes widen. ‘What did he do?’
‘She did some insider trading, saved herself a lot of money, until she got caught. Yet she remains the face of gracious living. Americans are strange and inconsistent.’
‘You’re not American?’
‘I am. I include myself with the strange and inconsistent.’ He gazed off into the distance, all dramatic and put-upon.
The Eclipse Regulator clicked.
‘So … we didn’t get a chance to go over my notes.’ I wiggled my toes. ‘Do you want to now, seeing as you’re here?’
‘Not particularly, even though Martha does make for a nice segue into mergers, Swiss bank accounts and saving about four billion a year in taxes. As I said, some of your musings are right in line with the direction Apollyon is headed. Unless I shut the damn place down altogether.’ He snorts and takes a swallow of wine. ‘Remember, Ms Dewitt, this is all confidential.’
‘Martha Stewart? She’s your neighbour?’
He sighed. ‘Did anyone ever tell you that you have dreadful listening skills?’
‘Tons of people, and it’s not true. I’ve just got a busy mind.’
‘I’m only in Seal Harbor two weeks a year, but the woman “loathes” me – at least, that’s how she put it to the Rockefellers – ever since I turned my Land Rover around in her driveway. End of story.’
‘Land Rovers are Satan on wheels.’
‘As is yours truly. What I would like to ask you about … something on your résumé caught my interest.’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘Intrigued me.’
‘Ask away. I’m an open book.’
‘That’s not my impression.’ He gave me that slight smile which was becoming too welcome and too familiar, but I returned it this time. Because he was flirting with me, no doubt about it. ‘When I looked over your CV, I saw you have an interest in dance. Are you still a dancer?’
‘No. Well, yes and no. I mean, I go out dancing sometimes, and –’
‘But not professionally, ever? Even some local troupe?’ Dorian seemed surprised. ‘I couldn’t help but notice that, despite those horrible shoes you wore today, you’re a truly graceful woman. Or could be, if you dared. Not to mention you have most shapely calves.’
‘Oh.’ What do you say to that? ‘Thank you.’
‘So?’
‘I went to ballet lessons until I was maybe nine. A little tap and jazz as well.’
‘And then?’
‘We ran out of money.’ I glanced away, and took a gulp of wine. ‘Not that you would understand that.’
‘I understand more than you might think, Lily. Don’t make assumptions about me. Likely as not, I’ll come up short.’ He yawned, then added, ‘You should go back.’
‘Look, Mr – Dorian, I’m not exactly loaded. As you so eloquently pointed out, I haven’t been earning my keep.’ I shook my head. ‘No, I mean, I have been earning my keep, but not keeping my earn. Or something like that.’
‘Something like that.’ He was making fun of me, but since there was a tenderness in his voice, I didn’t hate being teased. ‘Since it would benefit the company, Apollyon would cover the cost of dance class for you. Get you back up on your toes.’
Wow.
We listened to the time passing.
‘That’s pretty generous of you. Of Apollyon, I mean.’ It wasn’t the clock ticking, it was my pulse.
‘Not at all. It would be a company expense, nothing more. Part of your training.’ He gripped my foot with his hand. His giant palm was warm, his grip was firm, and I became still at once. ‘Are you always so jumpy?’
‘Sorry.’ He let go of my foot, while I took a bigger gulp, because I’ve never wanted a glass of wine to be over so badly. ‘But it’s been a rough day at the office.’
‘I’m sorry. About the meeting. I can be a bit intense.’
Ya think?
‘Don’t be.’ I shook my head, flustered. ‘Gah. That so came out wrong. “Don’t be sorry,” I meant. I didn’t mean “Don’t be intense.” You weren’t intense.’
‘You’re not a liar, Lily. Don’t start on my account. I was intense this afternoon. Always am, in point of fact. A “strong flavour”, as they say.’ He frowned, finished his glass and rose to his feet. ‘I’ll leave you in peace, Lily.’
‘I don’t mean to rush you.’ I did mean to rush him. ‘Your driver is probably waiting.’
‘My driver?’
‘Town Car, limo, whatever it is you Holders ride around in.’ I paused. ‘It’s too late for the subway.’
Why was he on the T, anyway?
‘No. I drove myself.’ He was miffed.
‘You shouldn’t have.’ For whatever reason, I was so psyched he drove himself.
‘Benton had the evening off.’
‘Well.’ Of course he had a chauffeur named Benton. ‘Again, I appreciate it. That phone is my lifeline.’
‘It’s the least I could do.’
Was this his way of saying sorry once again for being such a tool? We seemed to apologise to each other an awful lot for two virtual strangers. ‘Let me walk you out, Dorian.’
‘Oh, I can find my way.’
I followed him to the door. ‘Thank you.’
‘By the way, you left your phone on the kitchen counter this time,’ he said. ‘Don’t lose it again. Been ringing off the hook all evening.’
What? Oh, my phone. Right.
‘Yeah.’ I squinted at him. ‘Uhm, you weren’t screening my calls, were you?’
‘Should I have been?’
I wagged my head. ‘Good night, Dorian.’
‘Good night, Lily.’
He opened the door to leave, then spun back around. ‘Lily?’
His voice was softer this time. Oh, my God. I know this look. Do I? Was it that look?
It so was.
He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. ‘Once more, I apologise for hurting you. Sometimes I come across as rather brash.’
Not the look, after all. Oh, well. It was for the best, I supposed.
‘Yeah, well. Let’s not say we’re sorry again.’ For some reason, I was tearing up. Goddammit! After I’d done so well keeping it together in his office. So I took off my glasses, and pretended to rub my eyes tiredly. Why now?
Before I could put my specs back on, he swooped one hand behind my neck, the other behind my waist, and kissed me – hard, insistent – on the mouth this time. As he moved his pelvis against me – he had to dip me back to accommodate his bulge – I found more than his kiss was hard, and also found myself lifting up and pressing against his groin, as though yanked by some unseen force. I circled my arms around Dorian Holder, feeling a sense of safety that did not remotely match what was happening. There was a light sound as my fingers lost all muscle power and dropped my glasses on the floor. He sighed, and there was a crack as his heel crushed them into the maple – Oh, for fuck’s sake, those
were four hundred dollars – and he slid his tongue between my lips, probing, seeking, claiming, making my body complete. I received him. Let go, Lily. Let this go, warned a voice in my head. An angel at my shoulder?
But how could I let go? I kissed Dorian back, as he is a greater angel than any voice from a recovering Catholic conscience could be. Perhaps a dark angel, a fallen angel, but an angel nevertheless. I kissed Dorian Holder as though my life depended upon it, because this wasn’t going to happen again; it couldn’t. There was only now, and I sucked his tongue the way I would suck him if only I could. I wanted to kneel down and take him in my mouth, so deep, and swallow every drop of his sweetness.
But this kiss, this was all I had, and I devoured it with every inch of my being. He ground his hips against me, dropped lower and pressed his erection just so it massaged my clit. It had been so long since I’d had anything resembling passion, and no man in my life had ever touched me this way, making me feel as though I could simply dissolve into him, melt into a puddle, crumble, shatter. How could we ever stop this, put the brakes on it, before spinning completely out of control?
Please, please, please, God, don’t let me come.
It really wouldn’t have taken much at that point; my nipples were poking against my bra as though he were toying with them, my breath quickening, my skin burning even hotter. I was getting too wet, too fast, and Dorian was sliding a powerful hand to the small of my back, drawing me still tighter against him. Dear God, he was strong. With the other free hand he grasped my braid and gave a firm pull, gaining deeper access to my mouth, probing further with his tongue.
Sweet Jesus.
And then he let me go.
We stood, panting, staring at each other. Dorian Holder, CEO looked downright tortured. I could only imagine what he saw reflected in my eyes.
‘Good night, Lily.’ His voice was hoarse.
‘Good night, Mr – Dorian.’
Coughing, he ducked his head in something that looked almost like an awkward bow, and slipped out the door so quick, so smooth, that it was almost as though he had never been there.
I listened to the sound of what must be size thirteen shoes plat-platting down the stairs.
* * *
First I ran to put on my contacts, which meant fumbling around in a fuzzy-looking world without glasses, since Birthday Night was the last time I wore them and there were several things I lost that night besides my dignity. At last my fingers closed around the plastic case, which for some reason had ended up on the metal table between the toilet and the ancient sink, next to a stack of fashion magazines and a bunch of girly stuff like nail-polish remover and Nair. I absolutely had to see what I looked like to Dorian, and wanted to know what I’d look like to myself. After all, that was officially the best kiss in my entire fucking life, and there’s no way I could look the same. No way. That was an earthshaker.
Then again, I thought the same thing after I lost my V-chip when I was eighteen. Not that it was an earthshaker – it so wasn’t – but because it seemed as though there should be some radical change in my appearance. The girls who ‘did it’ at my school had a blue streak of brash boldness, sexy clothes and trash-talking transformation … but there was something else that shifted in them. For the record, I looked identical post-hymenbust, if a little confused and more than a little ashamed.
But this time I was not disappointed, for I had transformed. Though my mascara was smeared from those couple tears that had snuck out, my eyes glowed, their usual grey transformed into a sparkling jet blue. Blue as I would soon be after coming down off the high of that whole ‘what happened there?’ exchange with Mr Dorian Holder, CEO. Yeah, but I was determined to enjoy this moment, and celebrate my metamorphosis.
I felt sensual. Sexy. The way hot chicks must feel all the time. Celebrating myself. Celebrating my quirkiness, awkwardness, apparent creativity, my responsive body, joy in movement and my insatiable yearning – that was never my way. Trying to make heads or tails of the persistent thirst that could never be slaked, the fire no one bothered to kindle, the disappointment when sparks flickered so bright only to fade … then blow away like ash? That’s a better description of my thought process when I’m trying to search within myself. But a metamorphosis had taken place with that fateful smooch. There was something different in me, Lily Dewitt. Perhaps I wasn’t a butterfly … but I could see that I might have it in me.
Dorian Hartley Holder, CEO had everything to do with my transformation, and I was addicted. Already I wanted more, though, I reminded myself, that could never happen again. But knowing myself capable of looking this way, of feeling this way … at least I knew it was in the realm of possibility. Even if it wouldn’t be with Dorian, at least I could lose myself only to find myself in the realm of desire. He had me under some kind of spell, no doubt about it. I refused to get lost in the Fear Factor of that, because loving myself … loving myself was new. It was my time to revel, and mirrors don’t lie.
My normally pale Irish cheeks were flushed. My lipgloss was gone, but my pout was deep pink like Fuji apples, and shone with a Dorian kiss. Without looking away from New Lily, I unbraided my hair and brushed it with long, luxurious strokes. Ow. OK, not so luxurious; it was snarly. I set down my hairbrush, closed my eyes and whispered a quick Hail Mary.
The Virgin Mother understood what I was going through, sure. Her baby daddy was kind of a Big Deal, and I’m guessing she had some insecurities as well. Oh, Jesus.
What now?
Google time. Starting with Louboutin, which I stupidly thought was spelled Loobitawn.
I flipped open my laptop and with a little Googling (after that scolding ‘did you mean Louboutin?’) I found some footwear site I had no business clicking on. Basically richie shoe porn. Not going there, didn’t want to know how much the Intern Flats Dorian bought me cost. Next!
What was it he said about Iowa, earlier? Searchwords Iowa and fired. Search engine gave me a helpful nudge by finishing my phrase with ‘dental assistant’, and I clicked on the link to the National Post, which smugly announced BOSSES CAN LEGALLY FIRE EMPLOYEES THEY SEE AS AN IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION: IOWA COURT. Whilst stripping off my frumpywear, I read the sad tale of a dental assistant whose boss gave her the heave-ho. And she hadn’t even done anything with him. Beyond a few flirty texts.
Dang.
What a jerk.
But I was smiling, because it seemed Dorian Holder might have a sense of humour, even if it was a little wry and dry. Oh, and also? He pretty much told me I was irresistible, in his own left-handed way.
Naked happy dance.
So I was in the living room, spinning like a dervish to Arctic Monkeys, all barebottomed and needing a darn good spanking, when the phone rang.
‘Hello?’
‘Lily?’
‘This is she.’ I twiddled one of my nipples, because his voice just commanded their attention.
‘Dorian Holder.’
‘I’m aware.’ Exhilaration brought out my smartassy.
‘Do you have company?’ He sounded a bit too nosy for my liking. ‘Is this a bad time?’
‘No and no. Hold on a sec.’ I took a deep breath while turning down the Bose. ‘Everything all right?’
Didn’t my voice just sound so casual? I hoped so, though I had just had a sudden urge to throw up because of my jangled nerves. It sounds unpleasant but it wasn’t. More like the kind of excited nausea you get when stumbling off a rollercoaster.
‘Mmn. Not entirely.’
Oh, boy. ‘What’s up, Dorian?’
‘It isn’t often that I ask forgiveness of an employee so many times in a day. In fact, this is unprecedented. But I seem to find myself seeking, and have no one to blame but my – Hey, watch it!’ There was a punishing horn honk in the background. ‘Yeah, fuck you too, buddy!’
‘Dorian? Are you all right?’
‘Please explain what is wrong with your Commonwealth. That guy just cuts me off, starts honking and giving me the finger, as though it
were my crime.’ He sounded almost angry with me. ‘Why do New Jersey drivers always get targeted? Your people are quite mad.’
‘Look, I didn’t invent Massholes. We really aren’t all like that.’ I felt myself smiling.
‘How’s your driving, Lily?’
‘Godawful. I haven’t owned a car in years.’
‘Hmph.’ He took a breath. ‘As I said, Lily, I’ve rung to ask your forgiveness. I have no idea what came over me back at your flat. I was way out of line, completely inappropriate, and put you in an uncomfortable position.’
I would hardly describe it as uncomfortable, though that is neither here nor there.
‘So you’re apologising to me again? Didn’t I suggest we stop with the guilting?’ Though trying to keep my voice light, I already hated the direction in which this conversation was heading. ‘After all, I’m the recovering Catholic around here.’
‘Funny, that’s what I guessed about you. Indeed. Lily Dewitt, you are – well, let’s not get into what you are. Allow me to just say that I don’t go around kissing glorified interns, and that was not supposed to happen.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Are you willing to pretend it didn’t?’
‘No.’ Guys are so dumb sometimes. Obviously it was supposed to happen or it wouldn’t have. Besides, it didn’t ‘happen’. We let it. ‘Why should I make believe anything? You are the world’s best kisser, did anyone ever tell you that?’
‘Do you really want me to answer that?’
‘Never mind. Dorian, it was awesome. Let it be.’
‘Yes, it certainly was. I can still …’ He sighed. ‘Pardon me again, Lily, but I’m going to have to erase the memory. Let’s not make a big thing about it. In case you haven’t noticed, I can be brusque, and –’
‘And you’re going to be a dink to me at the office so no one will think you – oh, no! – kissed me once. I get it. Just wish you could have let me be happy for an hour or so before doing recon. You really don’t get women, do you?’
‘It’s complicated, Lily.’
‘Why are you making such a big deal?’ I asked, glad he couldn’t see me naked, pacing and anxious.
‘Did you just call me a dink a second ago?’ He chuckled. ‘People say that?’
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