by Wesley Banks
Ben could barely hear the words over the incessant pounding of his heart, but they meant absolutely nothing to him as he looked up at the clouds. He tried to speak when he felt hands around his shoulders, but couldn’t.
The image of his daughter faded once again, and in her place he saw Casey’s short blonde hair. He felt her soft touch as a breath of wind whispered past him. And then a second later he collapsed.
58
Heaven
2 years earlier
June 9, 2013
“Do you think everyone goes to heaven?”
These questions had been getting harder over the last few weeks. People all too often underestimate the intelligence and forethought of five-year-olds.
Ben looked down at the little girl. Her small hand wrapped inside his. It makes my heart hurt when she asks me questions like this. “I like to think so,” he said.
“Do you think I’ll go to heaven?”
It took everything he had to fight back the single tear that began to form behind his eyes. “Sweetheart. You’re going to be fine. You don’t need to think about things like that right now.”
“I know. But, just in case. Do you think I will?”
“Of course.”
“What about Baby Bear?”
Snuggled against her right side was a hand-stitched brown bear. He looked down at the bear. Along the right side of his neck was two inches of black string, where he had added some stuffing recently. Ben thought if he could show her Baby Bear could make it through surgery that she would too.
“I think he’ll be there too.”
“And you’ll take care of him if I can’t?”
“We’ll take care of him together. How does that sound?”
Before she could answer, the door swung open and Dr. Sanchez walked into the room. “And how is my favorite patient doing today?”
Grace smiled. “I’m doing good, but can you have a look at Baby Bear?”
She held out the stuffed animal as Dr. Sanchez walked around to the other side of the bed. He took his stethoscope out and placed it on Baby Bear’s chest in several places. “Mr. Bear seems to be in excellent health.”
“Good, because he’s recovering from surgery,” Grace said pointing at the row of stitches on his neck.
Dr. Sanchez leaned in closer. “I see that. And someone did a very fine job with the sutures.”
“That was my dad.”
“Well, your dad did a very fine job. And speaking of your dad, do you mind if I borrow him for just a minute?”
“Sure. I think we’re going to take a nap. Baby Bear is tired.” Dr. Sanchez wrapped his stethoscope back around his neck and smiled.
“You and Baby Bear get comfy, and I’ll be back in just a minute to tuck you in for a nap,” Ben said.
Grace moved to her left enough so Baby Bear could lie on the pillow next to her as Ben followed Dr. Sanchez into the hall.
When the door clicked shut behind them Ben quickly asked, “Is everything alright?”
Dr. Sanchez leaned against the wall and very matter-of-factly said, “We found a heart.”
59
Gone
June 12, 2015
“I’m sorry, miss, we can’t release patient information to non-family members,” the woman from Sacred Heart General Hospital said.
“Can you at least tell me if he’s alright?” Casey asked.
“I’m sorry, miss.”
Casey already knew the answer to her next question, but she asked anyways. “What about a message? Can I leave a message for him?”
“I’m sorry, miss.”
“Okay, Casey said,” knowing the woman was just following the rules. “Thank you.”
She hung up and tried Ben’s phone again, but this time it didn’t even ring.
* * *
When Ben next opened his eyes there was a blurry darkness all around him, except for one small light in the distance that was getting closer and closer.
Then he heard a noise that sounded like a muffled voice. And then another. His faculties were still adjusting.
The white light was gone, and suddenly his ears were working and he could hear the voices clearly.
“Parker, if you shine that damn light in the kid’s face again, I’m going to take that phone and—”
“Coach?” Ben asked, trying to blink away the blurriness. Ben closed his eyes again, and when he opened them, Coach Melvick and Parker were standing over him.
“You’re going to be okay, kid,” Coach said.
Ben looked down to see himself in a striped robe. He went to move his arm, but the IV cord tugged lightly. “Am I in the hospital?”
“Man, you were out cold,” Parker said.
“What happened?”
“Well, you came from behind to break the world record, and then in the immortal words of Martin Lawrence, you passed the fuck out.”
Coach Melvick slapped Parker on the back of the head with a rolled-up newspaper.
“Coach, what the—” Parker said, grabbing the back of his head.
“Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?”
Parker started to say something.
“Do not answer that,” Coach said. “Just go get the nurse, and let her know Ben is awake.”
“Alright, geez.” Parker said. Then he looked at Ben. “I’ll be back in a minute, don’t go anywhere.”
Ben laughed as Parker walked out of earshot.
“You have any idea how stupid that was?” Coach said.
“It was your idea to sprint the last two laps!” Ben said.
“Not that. That was a stroke of genius that won you the damn race. I’m talking about the fact that your little boyfriend told me that you also happened to pass out last week on a run.”
“I didn’t think it was anything,” Ben lied.
“You didn’t think is right. You got lucky it was nothing.”
Parker returned with the doctor and nurse following.
“We’ll be in the lobby,” Coach said to Ben. “Let’s go, Parker.”
The nurse walked over to where Coach Melvick had been standing and read off the vitals on the screen above Ben. The doctor checked his eyes with a small light as he listened. “Sounds good,” he said, and then the nurse walked back out.
“I’m good to go?” Ben asked.
“You were technically good to go about six hours ago,” the doctor said. “But I imagine you needed a little nap after that performance today.”
“And you’re sure I’m okay? Like my heart and everything.”
“You are good to go Mr. Wilder. Did a full work up while you were resting and it didn’t reveal any major cardiac problems.”
When the news fully processed, Ben, relieved, slumped down into the bed further. He was fine.
“So, then why did I pass out?”
“It’s hard to say exactly. It’s not uncommon in extreme athletes like yourself. They’re called benign faints. Your blood sugar was a little low and you were a bit dehydrated, but nothing out of the ordinary. The nurse will be in in a bit, and you can get out of here.”
60
Dead
June 12, 2015
Getting out of the hospital wasn’t exactly as easy as the doctor made it out to be. About an hour later the nurse finally came back, and then it took another thirty minutes to finish up paperwork. By the time Ben got to the lobby it was close to two in the morning, and Coach Melvick and Parker were both passed out, sitting upright.
Ben walked over and kicked Parker’s chair. “You guys planning on spending the night here or what?”
Parker wiped the sleep from his eyes and looked up at Ben. “Apparently the fastest man in the world needed nap time?”
Ben ignored the question. “You know you have drool on your shoulder, right?”
Parker stood up and tossed Ben his duffle bag. “Let’s go, the girls of Florida await our return.”
Coach Melvick was standing by the door. “If you ladies are done chatting, I’d
like to get the hell out of here.”
Ben followed Parker and Coach out to a cab that was waiting. He sat in the back next to Parker and unzipped his bag. He pulled out his phone, but the screen was black. He tried the power button several times, but it was no use. His phone was dead.
* * *
When they got to the airport the plane was sitting alone on the tarmac. A man in a navy vest and matching hat escorted them down the runway towards the plane.
“Good morning,” the stewardess said as Ben made his way up the airstairs.
It was just past midnight and still dark out, so technically it was still morning. “Morning,” Ben said. A few steps later and his teammates all started chanting. “World Record, World Record, World Record.”
Ben looked around. The plane was empty except for the men’s and women’s University of Florida track team. They kept chanting until Coach told them all to shut the hell up so they could go home.
61
In Her Eyes
June 13, 2015
Ben woke to a flight attendant lightly tapping on his shoulder. “Seats up and seat belts on, please,” she said.
Ben hit Parker on the shoulder until he woke up. “We’re landing,” he said.
Parker yawned and stretched his arms.
“Hey, what time is it?” Ben asked.
Parker looked down at his watch. “Eleven forty-five a.m.”
It felt like they had been traveling for days and it still wasn’t even noon yet.
It took another thirty minutes to get their bags and grab a cab. When the yellow minivan pulled up, Parker walked his bags to the back and hopped in through the sliding door. “You coming?” he said, looking back at Ben.
“I’m going to grab the next one. I got something I need to do, man. I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Alright, man. Good luck,” Parker said, knowing exactly where Ben was headed.
* * *
Thirty minutes later Ben paid the taxi driver and got out of the car in front of Casey’s house. He slipped his backpack over his left shoulder, picked up his duffel bag and walked up the driveway towards her front door.
The garage was shut, and he didn’t know if she was off today, worked today, or was possibly asleep preparing to work tonight. He also didn’t know exactly what he was going to say to her. And based on their last conversation there was a pretty good chance she may not even talk to him.
His heart was beating slow but heavy as he sat his bags by the door. He knocked distinctly three times, and the sounds careened off the plastered garage wall and disappeared in the wind.
Ben looked over to his left where the curtains were drawn, but saw no movement. He turned around and looked back down the driveway. Even though it was looking to be at least six hours until she got back home, he was about to sit down and wait for her to get home. Then the door opened.
Ben turned around and saw Casey. She was wearing navy blue sweat pants with the words “CAL BEARS” written down one leg in gold, along with one of his gray workout shirts that fell around her frame three sizes too big. Her hair was pulled back with several strands on each side hanging loose, and her nose and eyes were red with tears.
Before Ben could say anything, she leapt towards him, throwing her arms around his torso and burying her head in his chest. This was not the reaction he was expecting.
“I thought you were dead,” she said, her voice muffled by his shirt.
Ben ran his hand over the top of her head, brushing back several strands of hair.
“What?” Ben said. “Why would you think that?”
Casey leaned away from him a bit and looked up, still keeping her hands on his waist. “I saw you collapse after your race. And the broadcasters didn’t know what was happening. I tried calling your cell, but it kept going straight to voicemail. Then I tried calling the hospital and they wouldn’t tell me anything about you because I wasn’t family.”
Ben ran his hand across her forehead, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know. I didn’t even think you were going to watch the race. I didn’t even know if you would talk to me when I got here.”
“Of course I would talk to you. Why wouldn’t I talk to you?”
“I thought…the way we left things…I don’t know.”
“That was just a fight,” she said. “Assuming you’re not going to do anything stupid like that again.”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Ben said. “The USA Outdoor Championships are in two weeks.”
“You can’t be serious,” Casey said stepping away from him.
Ben held his hands up in front of him. “Casey, just let me explain. The moment before I collapsed, I honestly thought that was it. I thought I had traded everything just to hang onto to the memory of Grace a little longer. I thought I would never see you again.
“And then I woke up in the hospital. The doctor told me they had run a bunch of tests and that I was just severely dehydrated and probably a little overstressed.”
“What about your heart?” Casey asked.
“I talked to the doctor. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my heart.”
Ben could see the concern still etched across Casey’s face. “On the plane ride home all anyone wanted to talk about was the possibility of making the 2016 Olympics. I never imagined I would make it this far, and now I’m potentially one race away from qualifying. But…” Ben paused. He stepped closer to Casey and took her hands in his. “I won’t do this without you. I can’t.”
“Two conditions,” Casey said.
“Anything,” Ben said.
“Tomorrow you come down to the hospital and get a second opinion from Dr. Hasara.”
“Done.”
“No more ignoring my phone calls. I don’t care if you’re passed out in the hospital or not,” she joked.
Ben smiled. “I would never ignore phone calls from Casey Anise Taylor.” He raised his hands to her face and leaned in to kiss her.
Her hands clung to his, holding him there for several seconds. “Now come inside and cuddle with me until I fall asleep. I have to work tonight.”
“Yes ma’am,” Ben said. He grabbed his bags and followed Casey towards her bedroom. He sat his bags down and slid off his sandals.
Casey was already in bed curled up under the sheets. Ben lay down behind her and wrapped his arm around her waist, intertwining his fingers with hers.
“Can I ask you something?” she said.
“You can always ask me anything,” Ben said.
“If you don’t want to talk about it I understand,” she said “But, do you not want to talk about Grace?”
“What about her?” Ben said.
“I mean about the voicemail and everything.”
“What do you mean?”
Casey lifted Ben’s hand off her and turned around to face him. “The voicemail I left you yesterday.”
“My phone was dead when I woke up in the hospital. I still haven’t even a chance to charge it yet.”
Casey shot up. “You haven’t checked your phone since before the race?”
At Casey’s worried expression, Ben grew confused. And what did this have to do with Grace? “No, why? Did something happen?”
Rolling out of bed, she walked over to her dresser. She picked up the handwritten letter and walked back to the bed, handing it to Ben.
He took the folded sheet. “What’s this?”
“This came yesterday in the mail. I think you should read it.”
“Okay,” Ben said. “You’re kind of freaking me out, though.” Ben unfolded the letter, and immediately recognized the block-faced letters written in all caps. He read through the same words he had written over a year ago. The words he had written just weeks after losing Grace.
A single tear streamed down his face and landed on the paper. Suddenly he felt like he was back in another race. Everything around him stood still and was silent. He saw Casey’s lips move, b
ut didn’t hear a word she said.
“Ben,” Casey said. “Talk to me.”
He closed his eyes and retreated back to his most precious memories of Grace. The first time she called him “Dad.” Pushing her on the swing set in their backyard. Telling her endless stories at bed time.
His thoughts were finally interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.
“Stay here. I’ll be right back, okay?” Casey said.
He nodded, but walked toward her bedroom door. From there he could see Casey saying goodbye to the mom of one of Emma’s friends.
Ben couldn’t take his eyes off Emma as she walked in and sat her pink and yellow owl backpack on the dining room table. She turned towards the couch, but tripped over her left shoe lace that was completely untied. Her head missed the coffee table by just a few inches as she fell to her hands and knees.
Casey and Ben both moved towards Emma. “You okay?” they said in unison.
Emma nodded. “This stupid shoe lace won’t stay tied.”
“Did your mom ever teach you about the magical double knot?” Ben asked.
Emma looked up at Casey and then shook her head.
“Would you like me to show you?” Ben said.
“Okay,” Emma said.
“Okay, go ahead and tie your shoe like you normally do.”
Emma recited the rhyme as she tied her white laces. “Over, under, around and through, meet Mr. Bunny Rabbit, pull and through.”
Sitting there on the floor next to Casey, Ben thought back to all the times he had felt a familiar presence in Emma. All those times he had seen Emma.
She looked up at him as he began to pull her laces into a second knot, and it wasn’t until that very moment that he truly saw the secret in her eyes.
Ready for Another?