by A. Anders
“Absolutely.”
“Hi I’m Rose,” she said, sticking out her hand.
“I’m Ford.”
We shook hands and chuckled.
“I like your suit.”
“Thank you. I like your dress,” I replied, feeling a flow develop between us. “I wonder what you would look like out of it.”
I heard it after it came out of my mouth.
Rose stared at me with her mouth hanging open. I began to wonder if I had ever spoken to a woman before. As I started to make space in my one-date Rolodex, she released a loud “Ha” and snorted.
“I’m really sorry,” I said emphatically. “That did not come out right.”
“It didn’t? That’s too bad. I suddenly really liked you.”
To my surprise, her eyes were twinkling. I had intrigued her.
“Oh. Then if you liked that, wait until I’m not watching what I’m saying,” I joked.
“I can’t wait,” she said flirtatiously. “Hey, you wanna play a game?”
“Sure,” I said, regaining my bearing.
“I’ll tell you a secret about myself, and then you can tell me one about you.”
I hesitated. “Okay.”
“My secret is that my hands were shaking so much when I was getting ready to come down here that I over-plucked my eyebrows.”
“Did you?” I asked peeking up at her forehead.
She hid her eyebrows with her hand. “Oh, don’t look.”
“Why not?” I asked, delighted by her vulnerability.
“I drew them back on, and they look weird.”
I reached up and held her wrist. She let me lower her hand.
“What are you talking about?” I asked after getting a good look.
“Are you kidding me? They’re so thick I’m afraid I’ll be recruited by wandering mimes.”
I laughed. “Why were you so nervous before you came out here?”
“You know, meeting guys like you,” she said, showing more hints of her alluring vulnerability.
I looked at her curiously. “You do know that the guys here will be trying to impress you, right? You aren’t the one who should be nervous.”
“Even you?” she asked flirtatiously.
I didn’t know it until that exact second, but I said, “Yeah, of course.”
Her eyes twinkled in response. “So, what’s your secret?”
My chest tightened at the question. Her smile slowly disappeared with mine. Gathering my strength, I gently took her hand and looked into her eyes.
“Rose, I’m actually a mime. I’m here to talk to you about joining my wandering troupe.”
She burst out laughing.
It felt good knowing I was the one who made her laugh. Was it just me, or had I just stuck the landing? Sure, this whole situation was absurd, but damn if we hadn’t made a real connection.
“No. Come on. Tell me,” she insisted.
The burning in my chest returned as her grip on my hand tightened. I looked into her eyes. Despite her disarming smile, she was serious.
This time, the silence was interrupted by my beeping robot escort. That was it; my two minutes were up. It had to have been the shortest two minutes of my life.
I offered Rose a twisted smile as an apology and then stepped past her. I touched my fingertips to the image displayed on my escort’s scanner. Feeling a gentle pulse that adhered me to the bot, I followed it as it took me away from Rose. Once I was a few feet past my bachelorette, I took a quick look back. She hadn’t peeked back at me.
Watching her turn away, I did the same. Yep, we had definitely made a connection. No one could’ve been more surprised by it than I was.
However, the further I got from the scent of coconut and vanilla, the easier it was to remember that I was on a game show. I thought about my interaction with Rose and searched the scene for the cameras. I didn’t see any.
I then thought about Rose. As real as the moment felt, was she just a really good actress?
As I thought about it, I became aware of my breathing. My heavy breaths were accompanied by a quickened heartbeat, a strange reaction.
Feeling a light electrical tug on my fingertips, I realized I had slowed down. Speeding up, I turned my attention to my escort. I hadn’t before seen a levitating bot up close before. I think this model was called a “pawn.”
That was my guess, anyway. It did resemble the chess piece, except for its flat top. If I was right, it spoke volumes about the budget of the show. Butler bots like pawns were expensive. And so far, there was this one, the one that waited behind Rose, and probably a few others floating around.
The limited functionality of pawns made them a luxury item. Only the top one percent of corporations had pawns as escorts. Everyone else had the non-levitating models. In my opinion, even those were a waste. You could buy a 50,000-dollar bot to offer your guest a bottle of water, or you could pay someone minimum wage to do it. Pawns were mostly prestige symbols.
I was more familiar with the pawn’s 1,000-pound robot cousins. Their weight ruled out levitation. Plus, they had the firepower to cut a tree in half.
But enough about the good ole days. They were memories of a life long gone, and on my good days, they were memories forgotten.
I was here now. I was on an island in Southeast Asia, and I had just met a very interesting woman, who, if I wasn’t mistaken, wouldn’t beat me in a footrace with a tiger. In other words, she was exactly my type.
My escort led me into the trees. The soft blue light that the pawn levitated upon illuminated the small pebbles covering the pathway. Further ahead, a series of small, white lights outlined a path. We followed its twists and turns through the woods for two minutes. At the end, we poured out onto the manicured lawn of a quaint island resort.
Made entirely of bamboo, the building had a third-world charm. I followed my pawn inside, finding myself in the main office. Although the room was empty, the check-in counter was to the left, and a few steps past the counter, a door opened onto the facilities.
Exiting the main office, we were again outside. A pool was immediately in front of us, and it was surrounded by manmade ponds and miniature waterfalls. Beyond that, it looked like there was a dining area. Further still, on the left and right, were cabins. It was a charming resort.
Scattered throughout the decorative pools were twenty-five elegantly dressed men. To my surprise, they weren’t just good-looking. They were all extremely good-looking. It was like walking onto a model shoot.
Staring at the modelesque men, I had to fight against my competitive juices. I reminded myself of my own successes. I had been with my fair share of women through the years. In fact, though I wasn’t one to brag, Laura hadn’t been the only woman to try to kill me.
“Please, introduce yourself, and mingle,” my pawn instructed before parking itself along the wall with twenty other pawns.
I scanned the space looking for a bar. Not surprisingly, when I found it, it was surrounded by guys. So, throwing my shoulders back, I meandered over with swagger.
“What’s on tap?” I asked the annoyingly handsome bartender.
“I’m not the bartender, but I can make you what’s good,” he replied, showing the contrast between his white teeth, tanned skin, and sun-bleached hair.
“What’s good?” I asked.
“Whatever I make,” he replied.
“Fire it up,” I said, unsure if I liked him.
“No, it’s good,” the guy next to me added.
I found the second guy a little less annoying. He was still way too good-looking, but it was more in an “aw-shucks” sort of way. He looked like a guy who worked for a living instead of skirting by on his looks.
“Ford,” I told him, holding out my hand.
“Kurt,” he replied, gripping mine. “And this is Brad,” he added pointing at the man behind the bar.
“And this here is an Alabama Slama,” Brad announced in a manufactured southern accent.
I took the ro
cks glass and sipped. It was a little sweet, but not too bad. “Alright,” I confirmed just glad to get a drink in me.
“Do you believe any of this?” Kurt leaned in to ask.
“It’s out there. Isn’t it?”
“But did you see our bachelorette?” Brad interjected. “Fine trimmings. Am I right?”
I had to admit, she was more than I had expected.
“And I don’t want to disappoint you, gentlemen,” Brad continued, “but we had a moment. I think this contest is all but over.”
“What did she say?” I asked, remembering my own moment with her.
“It was all about the eyes… and the look-back.”
“Look back?” I asked.
“You know. You turn around after you meet someone and then you look back to see if she is looking back at you.”
“She looked back at you?” I asked, remembering the look back she gave me.
“You know it.”
“And you?” I said turning to Kurt.
“I didn’t check. I guess I should have. But it was still pretty cool. I can’t really reveal what she said, but we ended up playing a little game,” he admitted with a smile.
I did not like where this was going. “What type of game?”
“I mean, it wasn’t anything major,” he blushed. “She just shared a secret about herself, and it was really sweet.”
“What secret was that?” I pushed, my stomach turning over.
“It was nothing. It was just something about her makeup.”
“And her eyebrows?” I prodded hesitantly.
“Yeah. How did you know?” Kurt asked confused. When I didn’t answer Kurt continued.
“Anyway, it wasn’t what she shared exactly, it was more the joke I made afterward. She had said that she was scared about being recruited by mimes. Then I joked that I was a mime. It’s hard to explain. You had to be there.”
My mouth dropped open. I was about to speak when Brad beat me to it.
“Well, goddamn! I made the same joke.” Brad thought for a second, laughed out loud and then went back to bartending.
Kurt leaned toward me with his eyes fixed on Brad. “Do you think he’s messing with me?”
“No. I don’t think he is,” I informed him trying to hide the ache that I felt. I wasn’t sure why I had felt anything at all. I knew that this was a game show and that nothing here was real.
I had to admit, though, the girl had skills. She must have repeated it twenty times before saying it to me. Yet, when I heard it, I would have sworn it had been the first. That bitter pill had told me everything I needed to know about Rose and the show.
“Hey, check this out.” Brad lifted his chin, turning our attention to the beefy man headed to the bar.
“Braaad!” He slurred holding up his empty glass. “My man!”
Brad matched his volume and celebratory mood. “One more?”
The beefy guy got sentimental touching the glass to his heart. “Always, man. That’s what I like about you. You get me.”
The beefy man threw his arm around Kurt and pointed at Brad. “Have you met this guy? Greatest guy ever.”
Already too drunk to stand still, he left Kurt to hug Brad from across the bar. Brad handed him a drink instead. The beefy guy was disappointed by his unrequited hug, but forgot about it when Brad held his own drink in the air.
“Cheers.”
Kurt and I joined Brad and the beefy guy did what came naturally. Leveling the glass, the beefy guy stared at Brad for a second. He licked his lips as if evaluating the drink. Instead of commenting, he turned and reentered the crowd.
I turned to Brad, wondering if he should have given the drunk man another drink. Brad winked at me in return. “Let the games begin,” he announced with a grin.
Brad was right. This whole set up was all just a game. We chased after Rose in order to be the last man standing. Meanwhile, millions of people around the world watched us and laughed.
Yeah, I was so done. The four hours spent signing paperwork, the long flights with blacked out windows where you wake up in strange rooms, the two-hour ferry trip to the island… TV, you gotta love the glamour.
Kurt and I stepped away from the bar when Rose made her grand entrance. Looking at her again, I confirmed my original impression. She was indeed gorgeous. As she addressed the guys, I watched her closely for signs of deceit. Amazingly, I didn’t find any. She was either being sincere or she was the greatest actor ever.
“…I’m looking forward to getting to know every one of you. But, you know, this time with my clothes on.”
Everyone around me laughed. I didn’t get it.
“And when this all ends, I truly believe that I will have found the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. So cheers! Oh, wait. I need a drink.”
On cue, Brad stepped forward with a glass. “Cheers!” she said again, and everyone echoed her.
It didn’t take long after that before she was swarmed by guys. They talked as a group for about a minute and then Brad escorted her off.
“So what’s happening?” I asked Kurt who seemed familiar with the show’s format.
“They go off and talk. Everyone’s supposed to try and get time with her to convince her to give them a rose.”
“A rose?” I asked clueless.
“If you get a rose, you stay on the show. If you don’t, you go home. At least, that’s what the producer told me.”
“The producer didn’t tell me anything,” I added confused.
“Well, I had asked if it was like another show, and he said yes. This is a new show, so this could be a little different.”
“You’re telling me that we’re on a show where nobody knows the rules?”
“Pretty much,” Kurt said with a smile.
Staring at Kurt, it hit me who he looked like: Clark Kent, the secret identity of Superman. “So, what do you do Kurt?”
“I’m a kindergarten teacher.”
“Really? I would have guessed construction worker.” That wasn’t true. I had guessed superhero.
Kurt smiled. “Yeah. I have 20 kids in my class.”
“Do you love it?”
“I do. They’re so pure, you know. They’re all just love and energy.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“Summer break. I’m single. Most of the teachers I work with are women and they kept telling me that I should try out for a show like this. And, I don’t know. I’m starting at a new school in a new state in the fall. So it was time for me to try something a little different.”
“I don’t know any teachers,” I admitted.
“What do you do?”
I explained to him the wonder that was corporate recruiting, and to my surprise, he found it interesting.
“It must be amazing to give a kid the opportunity of a lifetime.”
“Oh yeah. A real miracle.”
“No?” he asked surprised.
I debated whether I should share my jaded view of the kids and their parents. The parents were the worst of all because they were selling their kids into a lifetime of servitude. Sure, it was exceptionally well paid, but it’s still slavery if you could never change your mind.
I decided to stay positive. Kurt was as genuine of a person as I could imagine. I hadn’t met very many people like him. He was the type of guy that you cheered for. In the middle of a war, this guy was the type that you saved first.
“It is a miracle,” I said backtracking. “I just got a little burnt out on it.”
“I can see that happening.”
As the night went on, I found out how great of a guy Kurt really was. Not only did he have a sense of humor, but he was also sensitive and chivalrous. His co-workers were right. He was the perfect person for a show like this.
I could’ve seen him winning it all and marrying Rose out of obligation if nothing else. Hell, if I had a sister, I would want him to meet her. In my mind, Kurt was the guy who was going to win the show.
“Hey, there!” Rose bellowed, drawing my attention.
I turned and saw the beefy guy from the bar. He was buck naked and asking for some alone time with the bachelorette. I looked around for Brad and found him staring back at me with a big grin on his face.
The guy who was already talking to Rose stepped in between the two to protect her.
“You think I haven’t seen a naked man before? Then you really haven’t been watching.”
Again, everyone laughed but me. I didn’t get it. It had to be some sort of inside joke.
“Okay, let’s see what you got,” she said, putting the beefy guy on the spot. He seemed to be caught off guard.
“Does it do anything? Does it dance? Does it do a little show? No? Because if you’re gonna whip it out in front of me and all of these guys, the least you can do is put on a little act. No? Unimpressed,” she proclaimed. “Next!”
Rose walked away leaving the beefy guy stunned.
I looked over at Brad. He could barely contain himself he was laughing so hard. Was the beefy dude just drunk, or was he high, too? Either way, Brad was obviously behind it.
Looking at her again, I had a new level of respect for Rose. She wasn’t a wilting flower. She had spunk. Admirable, I thought. She was a cool chick. I was considering asking for alone time with her when my pawn found me and led me to the other side of the big pool.
It was impressive watching the pawns wrangle us. They even got the naked drunk guy to where they wanted him. After we were standing in two straight lines in front of Rose, her pawn entered, balancing a tray of red roses on its flat top.
I did a quick count. There were fifteen roses and twenty-five guys. Ten guys would be gone. I was sure that Kurt would get a rose and the naked guy would not. But what would happen with me?
The ceremony dragged on forever. Each time Rose called a name, seconds would go by before she would then say, “Would you consider spending the rest of your life with me?” The guy then waited until their pawn blinked signaling them to step forward and collect the rose.
The first guy to get a rose was Brad. That didn’t surprise me. He struck me as someone who belonged on a game show like this one.
What did surprise me was that the naked guy got a rose. Billy, or Buck-Naked Billy, as I decided to call him, had remained naked throughout the entire ceremony. Though he appeared to sober as the ceremony stretched on, he collected his rose without a stitch of self-consciousness.