“Yeah sure, or you could come with me and visit my friends with me.”
I must’ve plastered my shock on my face, because she added, “Only if you’re free, otherwise we can hang out some other time.”
Hell no. “I’ll go with you,” I said.
“Okay,” she smiled, handing me a satchel full of what I assumed to be books.
Charlie
I felt like I’d overstepped the boundary. I mean, he didn’t have to say it, I saw it in the little things when we were together. Whenever I mentioned my family, his face would get clouded, and he’d say nothing about his. He watched me closely when I talked about Cat and Lea, as if the very idea of friendship fascinated him. Then if I asked, he’d say it wasn’t his thing anymore. Truth is, I had yet to know Xander.
We walked in silence, right until we reached the East Wing, where wards for children with cancer were. He didn’t ask where I was taking him, and I was pretty content to surprise him with my new group of little friends. I’d taken myself by surprise when I’d asked him to accompany me here, since I’d never even taken Melissa to meet the kids I read to back home (and, my ex boyfriend said that he found kids annoying, sick or not...not that Xander was my boyfriend now).
I didn’t ask again why he was here, because I assumed that his little brother was alive and in this hospital. I did wonder though, what state he was in to still be hospitalised after almost a year. I’d find out, someday.
“Are you a regular here?” he asked, after two nurses waved at me from the dispensary.
“Kind of.” I smiled at him, scolding my subconscious for swooning. Xander was gorgeous, and I was in over my head.
He tucked his thumbs into the pockets of his jeans and smiled back at me, setting my insides on fire. Happy fire (yes, I’m a lost cause).
He looked like he had something to say, and I raised both eyebrows, encouraging him. “You’re not taking me to get my kidney stolen are you, Charlie?”
I laughed at the mock sincerity on his face, “No, I doubt anyone would want your kidney, Xander. They haven’t confirmed whether organ donations result in personality transplants too.” I nodded my head seriously at him. “We can’t risk anyone else being like you.”
He laughed softly, then, “You just want there to be one of me, so that you feel like you’ve got me custom made.”
When he teased me like this, I almost felt like it would be easy to be with him. “Hmm, because everyone loves their own personalized hand bag.” I laughed at the mock horror on his face.
“I feel so objectified and cheap,” he frowned, making me laugh even harder.
I was still giggling at his attempts to look offended when he reached out to put both hands on my shoulders and steady me. The contact sent waves tingling down my spine, but I remained still. Frozen, staring into his breathtaking liquid charcoal gaze. Wondering if this was what falling felt like, this airy, beguiled feeling. Was there someone meant for each one of us? If so, was it meant to feel this scary and euphoric to be in their orbit? If not, what was Xander doing to me?
“Charlie!” the trance was broken by excited voices in the ward. Xander raised a questioning eyebrow.
“C’mon, meet the crew.” I took his hand in mine, ignoring the electrifying feeling the action sent straight through my nerves.
He looked uncomfortable, but quickly schooled his features into a blank, curious expression. I began to wonder if maybe I’d made a mistake, if maybe he wasn’t ready for this. He must’ve sensed my sudden reluctance, because he tightened his hold on me and smiled reassuringly.
“Hi, guys!” I said, walking into the room with him. I was reminded of why I kept coming back. Their eyes lit up, their smiles bright enough to rival the sun. It always humbled me to be around these kids, sometimes it felt like they forgot that their lives were hanging in the balance. That for some of them, being alive to see the next year was a dream possibly out of reach. But they mostly seemed content, and that always made me cry when I got home.
“Hey, crew,” I said, turning to the pairs of excited eyes now surrounding us. “I brought a friend.”
They all smiled at me and responded to Xander’s nervous wave, before dragging him into the debate about aliens and unicorns that they’d been involved in before our arrival.
One little boy named Tyler eyed him curiously from the corner of the room before walking over to where the rest of the group stood in front of us.
“I’m Tyler,” he said, cocking his head. Xander smiled.
“Alexander.”
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Alexander.” Tyler looked up seriously at Xander.
Xander turned to me, wiggling his eyebrows mischievously, “Umm, Alex is just fine.”
Tyler fiddled with the buttons on his Avengers pyjama shirt, “Are you Charlie’s boyfriend?”
I broke into nervous laughter and Xander looked at me innocently, as if requiring me to answer that question, but I wasn’t giving him that advantage.
“Well-” he smiled, in that way that screamed ‘trouble’. Funny how I was starting to know what his facial expressions meant now. Scary.
“She’s never mentioned you before,” Tyler interrupted, his tiny face still perfect, even with the narrowed eyes.
Xander nodded, as if understanding something for the first time. “She has mentioned you, though.”
Tyler grinned at us both, then closed the distance between himself and Xander. “Yeah, she likes me and I like her.”
I walked over to hug his small frame, suddenly overcome with sadness over how he’d become so pale in recent weeks.
The next hour was all laughs, stories and a game of tag. Xander would sometimes drift off into space, and I could feel that whatever problem had brought us together that day during the summer, it continued to haunt him, even in broad daylight.
Later, as we walked out of the ward to give time to the children’s parents (I volunteered for two hours while they shared a meal or went home to freshen up) I felt inclined to ask him if he didn’t want to check in on whomever he had come here for before we left, but decided against it. I didn’t want him shutting me out because I was too nosy to be sensitive.
He didn’t seem like he wanted to go back either, and I realized that he didn’t trust me enough to let me in on his secret. Honestly, I couldn’t fault him for his personal feelings, that would be unfair. Still, the knowledge didn’t stifle the root of disappointment growing inside me.
“Ready to go?” he asked, breaking my stream of consciousness.
“Umm, yeah sure,” I muttered and walked beside him in silence.
Xander
I knew Charlie wanted me to open up to her, but I didn’t, for a few reasons. One, I didn’t know her that well, even though I knew I liked her. I was growing to like her so much, and so fast. That was also the second reason. I liked her too much to risk her running scared if I opened the can of worms that was my life. In the weeks following our coincidental visit to the hospital, I changed the times I went to visit Cole, and the guilt of acting like he didn’t exist while I was with her tore me apart. But then, I didn’t know her that well, and because I liked her, my opinion of her was likely to be biased.
I sat at the table which stood at the corner of the cafeteria, away from the centre table, where all the jocks hung out. About a year ago, I used to sit at that table too. Now, I sat alone, warning anyone who wished to make small talk that I wasn’t in the mood. I was barely into my lunch when Charlie walked in with two of her friends, and her sweet laughter rang in the air between where she was and my table. I stopped eating and I smirked, watching her brows furrow as she tried to figure out where to sit. I had grown to like that look on her face since the day she asked me whether I knew that driving off a cliff would kill me…
My thoughts were cut short when Ron stepped in front of her, blocking my view of her. My senses were suddenly on high alert, especially because I was unable to see her face from where I sat. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted several g
uys on the basketball team glance at me, and I knew something about us had been discussed. I wondered whether they knew about the circumstances of our meeting, but in the back of my mind, I knew Charlie wouldn’t tell anyone about that day. Whatever the case, I had to get Charlie away from him. That decided, I stood and walked over to where Ron and Charlie were, all the while feeling everyone’s eyes on me.
I caught Ron’s side of the conversation first. “Well, I wouldn’t have to disrupt your lunch if you’d just tell me how you know him.”
“I don’t.” Charlie responded, her tone chillingly calm. For a second, I was caught between being relieved that she wasn’t telling him anything and being upset that she might actually mean it when she said that she didn’t know me.
“See, there’s our problem. You’re lying to me.” He replied in that dangerously patient voice he’d used to bully kids when we were in middle school.
I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I walked past him and stopped in between the two of them, facing a defiant Charlie and her baffled friends.
“I had to start eating without you,” I said, nudging her to my side gently until we both faced Ron.
She looked straight into my eyes, and I couldn’t decide whether she was going to cooperate or not.
“Your friend over here was just asking a few questions about you,” she said. “He’s very concerned.”
The sarcasm was not lost on me, and neither was it missed by Ron, who leaned back against one of the round tables casually. His eyes rested on my hand on her arm. “She’s right, you know. I’ve been friends with you for the longest time, and I was wondering how the two of you know each other.”
“Well, if you’re done wondering, we’re going to go and eat,” I said, walking back to my table. That is, until he put his palm on my shoulder and now his face wasn’t as relaxed.
“Let go,” I warned, my eyes fixed on the left side of the room, away from him, the other students and the table where the basketball team now stood in silence. Away from Charlie.
“Why? You bailed on the team the whole summer to hang out with some girl? He scoffed, his amber eyes glinting with resentment. There was so much of it between us now.
“I am not some girl.” Charlie bit back before I could respond, taking the words right out of my mouth.
“I don’t care who you are-”
“Well, you should. Because the next time you talk to her like that, I won’t let it slide.” I cut in.
He removed his hand from my shoulder and laughed coldly, “It’s kind of funny, that’s all.”
I balled my hand into a fist, ready for him to continue with that statement. In the back of my mind, I knew that if he picked his words loosely, I was going to end him. And it made me afraid. Of myself. For him. For Charlie, and for Cole.
“Don’t,” was all I said.
“Don’t what?” he challenged.
We looked each other dead in the eye, and something in me snapped in that moment. In that moment I realized that maybe there was nothing worth saving between us.
“Xander, let’s go.” Charlie hand on my cheek tore my hard gaze away from Ron.
I turned to look into her confused eyes, my own fear of her knowing the truth about me hidden somewhere in the deep chasm of my chest.
Ron interrupted my inner conflict and our eye contact, “Yes, Xander. The girl might have a point.”
I stood aside for her friends to pass, having forgotten they were still there while I was watching the wariness in her eyes. They had almost gotten to their table when Charlie and I began to walk past Ron.
I was almost at my table when I heard his voice rang out in the quiet, tense cafeteria.
“It’s kind of funny, that you’re too busy to captain your own team, too scared to man up to your issues and yet you find time to get distracted by an average girl.”
The silence turned eerie. And all I saw before charging at him was red, a red haze of rage blinding me.
Charlie
Twelve stiches in total, a bust lip and split knuckles. That’s what Xander got from fighting with Ron, but Ron looked much worse. Whatever had happened between them in the past, Xander clearly hadn’t let it go, and I was desperate to find out the whole story.
It had taken a whole group of guys to break up their fight, and the three of us were summoned to the dean’s office. But Xander and I hadn’t made it there. He took my hand in his and asked if we could run, and just escape the day. Against my better judgment, I’d taken off with him, and now we were right back to where we started: in a red Chevy parked on a deserted plain near the edge of a cliff.
“Was it a girl?” I asked him, turning my head to face him.
He didn’t respond, instead, he sighed.
“I know that what happened today was not just about me.” I said, wishing he would just tell me what the hell was going on.
“Okay,” was all he said.
We sat in silence again. The atmosphere of the car was so heavy with unsaid words and unknown thoughts.
“Please take me home,” I finally said.
“Charlie-”
“No!” I cut in before he could say more. “Just…just take me home.”
“Fine.” He said, before starting the car.
The ride home was just as our time in the car had been, but it was much worse because it felt like deja vu. I was glad the radio was on, and some 90s music was playing. That was a small distraction from the tension that the car couldn’t seem to be able to contain. After what felt like hours later, we reached the end of my driveway and he turned off the ignition.
“I’m sorry,” he said, tilting his head to the side to look at me.
“I’m going to need more than that.”
“I can’t give you more than that…for now.”
“When will you tell me what’s going on here?” I asked.
“You should stay away from Ron,” he said instead.
I laughed dryly, “He came up to me, because of you, and for reasons which you refuse to tell me.
“Well, don’t let him come up to you then,” he shot back.
“What?” I glared at him, quickly losing my temper.
“Next time you see him, run in the opposite direction. If he’s too fast, call me.” He swiped my phone out of my hand and entered his number.
I scowled at him, “You don’t just add your number into my contact list. That’s rude.”
I grabbed the phone out of his hand, but he didn’t let go of it, leaving his hand wrapped around my fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he said, trying to look innocent and contrite, but only looking smug. His hand was still around mine and I gently tugged in vain.
“Okay, now try saying that without that smirk on your face.”
He sighed, letting me go. The humour was gone from his eyes, “I hope I didn’t get you into too much trouble.”
I placed my phone in my bag, the skin on my hand still tingling from his touch. We said our goodbyes moments later, and I got out his car, ready to face the storm inside my house.
He smiled at me one last time, but it didn’t reach his eyes. They remained sad pools of black, and it tugged at something in me. He was still parked near the driveway when I reached the door, then he drove off.
The yelling started the moment I entered the door, and continued throughout a cold dinner. The worst thing about your parents being a great team was when their team effort was directed towards you. I had gotten into trouble before, several times. However, it had never happened during the first week of academics, and at a new school for that matter. Most importantly, it had never been because of a boy.
So, my already messy situation was worsened by the fact that I stood before my parents and defended a boy whom I barely knew, and who intended to keep me in the dark about his secrets.
An hour and a half after Xander had dropped me off, Mel and I lay on my bed, our eyes on the pastel ceiling.
“Do you like him?” she asked.
“W
ho?” I said, knowing exactly whom she meant.
“Xander.”
“I-no.” I struggled, “I don’t know, I don’t know him that well.” Or at all.
“I like him,” she said, smiling shyly.
I turned to lie on my side, and we faced each other, “Should I take that as encouragement that he’s likeable, or should I back off since you like him?” I teased.
She giggled, and it occurred to me that I’d missed the sound of her laughter. It made me feel a little guilty, I’d been so consumed by my own mixed feelings about moving here that I hadn’t considered how she had been adjusting.
She got up from my bed, “I think the real issue isn’t you not knowing whether you like him or not.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah,” she yawned. “You don’t know why you like him, because your crushes need to pass your weird little tests.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that, because she was right. Xander hadn’t given me much to go on besides that face, which, although gorgeous, wasn’t enough to justify my growing fixation with him.
I went into the bathroom for a few minutes to perform my night time skin routine. I returned to close the curtains when I nearly collapsed from shock. Someone was pacing outside the French door.
I gasped, ready to scream, before the stranger turned and I saw his face. Xander.
He waved tentatively, as if he was gauging my reaction to his unexpected visit. Catching my breath, I opened the door quietly, but I stood there, blocking the entrance.
“Hey,” he said, raising his eyebrows.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, wrapping my nightgown around me. It was surprising chilly at night around here.
“I thought we could talk,” he scratched the back of his head, only managing to ruffle the nearly shoulder length dark hair.
“Okay…”
“I came to apologize,” he sighed, taking a few steps away from me.
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