by Dave Barsby
Appendix – Festival
Population: 5,384 permanent residents, 64,892 employees, 365,148 band members, 751,462,798,826 yearly visitors
Government: One permanently-baked, guitar-twanging dude known as Sensei Namaste
Topography: Grassy fields, mudbaths when wet
Climate: Occasionally sunny, usually drizzly
Resources: The melody of life
Economy: Heavily overpriced food, drinks and toilet facilities
Dominant Species: Musician
History: Founded in 2750 by a band of travelling musicians called Zoledronic Acid Infusion, who thought it would be a nice place to camp down and jam by an open fire for a while. Thanks to the planet being name-checked in uber-band Cosmic Love Debris’ mega-hit single Children Of The Psychic Peace Pony (Radio Edit), Festival quickly established itself as a major music venue. By 2800 it had become so popular that the planet was split into ‘continents’ of musical genre and ‘countries’ of sub-genre. Festival suffered a major set-back in 2843 when home-made munitions were used by gig audiences to express their displeasure at headlining bands, but it slowly recovered. It has over the years suffered further set-backs between warring musical genres, most notably the devastating Techno-Folk genocide of 2938. Wars have been few and far between since then, and the planet is currently celebrating 78 years since its last major conflict.
Appendix – Camera-7
Population: 42,815 (1,253,867 including seasonal workers)
Government: Corporate conglomerate
Topography: Terraformed. Clear temperate oceans pockmarked with beach paradise islands
Climate: Just right for a nice warm beach holiday without getting too hot or sticky
Resources: None
Economy: Tourism
Dominant Species: Tourist
History: One of the most famous planets in the galaxy, Camera-7 was originally named Doontala when it was discovered in 2467. Shortly thereafter the founders auctioned off the planet piece by piece, resulting in Camera-7 – a conglomerate-owned world that was terraformed into the ultimate paradise destination. An ocean of warm, crystal clear water is dotted with artificially-built islands akin to the Polynesian atolls of old Earth. One of the most sought-after holiday destinations, Camera-7’s prices match it opulence but still receives billions of tourists a year. The only known disaster to befall Camera-7 came when a meteor fell on the island of Warmsunnybeach. The impact drove the entire island into the rubberized concrete mantle layer and bounced Warmsunnybeach back out into space. The exact location of the asteroid Z-4571-Warmsunnybeach/4.2 is not currently known, nor whether it continues to operate as a paradise holiday destination.
Appendix – Bob
Population: Classified
Government: Classified
Topography: Classified
Climate: Classified
Resources: Classified
Economy: Classified
Dominant Species: Classified. And evil
History: Classified
Appendix – SARP
A.K.A.: Sunny Autumn Retirement Planet
Population: 3,594,176,241 3,594,176,240 3,594,176,239 3,594,176,238 3,594,176,237 every time I click my fingers a SARP resident dies
Government: Each of the five cities are run by a council of eleven, with the roster of members changing monthly due to bereavement
Topography: 10% manicured lawn, 15% cordoned-off areas of danger, 20% leafy suburb, 55% cemetery
Climate: “Such a nice, lovely day for a walk.”
Resources: Still millions of square miles of fertile grassland left for cemeteries
Economy: Exports – knitted products, spare change, televised Motor Buggy Derby events. Imports – damaged goods, boiled sweets, sullen teenage cashiers, marble
Dominant Species: The Grim Reaper’s friends
History: Founded relatively recently, in 2834, SARP’s pleasant climate and large tracts of lawn made it ideal as a retirement home for the travel-weary in their dotage. Dominated by ever-expanding graveyards, the planet boasts five huge, single-storey cities and a calm, pleasant demeanor. While a battle between corporate giants Meals On Wheels and Stannah rages, most companies bypass SARP completely, with life insurance agents in particular having all knowledge of SARP wiped from their memories as part of their job induction. By far the galaxy’s single largest purchaser of marble (for headstones), the planet’s economy is largely bolstered by the exporting of knitted products, publication of history books and gradual depletion of savings accounts. The planet was nearly plunged into significant debt in 2972 when a now-closed loophole in the constitution allowed personal injury lawyers to open up SARP offices and the planet saw a 245,000,000% rise in claims from young visitors having their cheeks pinched by grandparents.
Appendix – Narkis
Population: 511,614,364
Government: Interim presidential government appointed by creditors
Topography: The northern hemisphere largely comprises lush, forested vegetation, while the southern hemisphere is arid desert and jagged canyons
Climate: Cool, wet, warm, humid, hot, dry, thundery, windswept, damp, freezing, temperate, sunny and/or cloudy, occasionally wracked by hurricanes, typhoons, monsoons, brush fires and sharknados
Resources: Few
Economy: Usually a failure
Dominant Species: Tumbleweed, Human, Scabrous Wingless Nightmare Demagogue
History: For three billion years Narkis was home to two rival species of semi-sentient creature – the spherical collection of twigs and dried grass known as Tumbleweed and the small, irresistibly cute balls of fluff that, thanks to a disastrously managed competition, a bitter, spiteful teenage boy was allowed to name Scabrous Wingless Nightmare Demagogues (Fluffy McFluffFace came in second). Humans arrived in 2515 and established a handful of colonies. The planet has never really expanded beyond these few cities. Most of these are situated in the temperate north (home to the Scabrous Wingless Nightmare Demagogue) with just two cities occupying the arid, desert southern hemisphere (home to Tumbleweed). Narkis is most renowned for being a bit naïve when it comes to business strategy – the Chat-Biro is their most famous export and greatest failure, while a recent economic strategy based on recruitment consultants facilitated a civil war and the collapse of the government, driving the entire planet into administrative bankruptcy. Narkis is now technically owned by a conglomerate of creditors who are still deciding if they should pour capital into its infrastructure or literally break the planet up and sell it off piece by piece.
Keep an eye out for the next exciting edition in the
Travels In Space
book series, as I further tour the galaxy!
If my heart can take it